by P. J. Belden
“Kayla, baby, it’s okay. He can’t hurt you. You’re with me in the hospital.”
“He was… it was…” she stammered as she began to rub her arm.
I grabbed her hand and held it in mine. I rubbed her arm, and that’s when I felt the raise on her skin. I looked down and saw the scar that stretched from just above her wrist and angled back to almost touch her elbow.
“He did this to you?” I whispered.
Looking up at her, I saw her nod her head. Everything in me wanted to get out of that hospital gown and hunt the fucker down, then kill him for ever laying a hand on my Kayla. Instead, I pulled her into me and held her while she cried softly into my chest.
“It’s never going to be over, is it?” she whispered.
“It’ll be over and in the past, if it’s the last thing I do,” I promised.
Kayla being the strong woman I fell in love with pulled herself together and sat back for me to get into the bed. The nurses hadn’t left the room and were still standing at the end of the bed staring at Kayla. When I smiled up at Kayla for helping me into bed, I could tell she was embarrassed.
“She has nightmares and-”
“I’ve been attacked for the past sixteen years by a man, and I relive the attacks when I sleep,” she shrugged. “Sorry for scaring you all. It won’t happen again.” She turned to me. “I’m going to go get you some breakfast.”
She leaned down and kissed me, then left.
My smiled stayed on my face even after she left. The older nurse who looked like she might have worked all night checked my vitals. The male nurse in the room stared at me. It was starting to get on my nerves.
“Do you have a problem?” I snapped.
“W-who me?” he asked shocked.
“Yeah. You keep staring at me and frankly, you’re beginning to piss me off.”
“I just… you’re dating her?”
“Not that it’s your place to even ask, but yes, I am. It’s been about four months now.”
“She has obvious baggage, and you’re willingly dating her.”
He sounded genuinely confused.
“Look you asshole. That woman is the strongest, smartest, and most beautiful woman I have ever met. Everyone has a fucking past. By judging them for it, we could be seriously missing out. Past or not, I love that girl. Closed minded idiots are often the ones to never see the true treasures this world holds. Keep that in mind as you go through your life alone. Get the fuck out of my room!”
“Sorry man,” he muttered as he left.
The nurses left shortly after. My blood was boiling. What was wrong with this world that a person would be condemned for an event or actions they had no control over? It floored me the amount of pressure there is out there to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion, a myth. I found the imperfections to be the most beautiful things about people and things. My philosophy was: if we were all meant to be the same, we wouldn’t have the ability to think on our own.
Kayla definitely didn’t choose her life, but she made the best of what she had, and that made her so damn sexy. She didn’t let Alex stop her completely. Yes, he controlled major portions of her life - but he didn’t control everything, and those moments when she was outside of her pain and turmoil… God, she shined brighter than the sun. I was actually grateful there were closed-minded people out there because Kayla may not have been with me if there weren’t. I shifted back and closed my eyes.
“Hey,” a soft, beautiful voice said.
I opened my eyes to find the beautiful woman to match that voice.
“Hey yourself. Where have you been? I’m lonely in this bed on my own.”
She laughed softly.
“I told you I went to get some breakfast. Not this hospital crap either, and I needed to change my clothes and shower.”
“There’s a shower in my private room. You could’ve taken one here,” I wiggled my eyebrows.
“Are you hungry?” she asked after a pause.
I nodded my head and watched her get food out for me. I noticed it was all things that I could eat with one hand. It was hard not to laugh, but a smile played on my lips.
“I didn’t want you to move your other arm at all, so I took precautions,” she shrugged.
Looking at Kayla, I realized she didn’t get herself anything. One thing I knew about Kayla was when something was bothering her, she couldn’t eat. I didn’t like her not eating.
“Kay? What’s wrong?”
“I can’t stay here again, and I’m worried to stay alone.”
Putting my food down, I pushed the tray away and patted the bed next to me. She walked over and sat next to me, but didn’t look at me.
“Why can’t you stay here? Were you not comfortable last night?”
It wasn’t about how comfortable she was, and I knew that. She didn’t want to stay because of her nightmare. There was no way I was letting her take the easy road on this one. She was going to face them head on and I was going to help them.
She turned and looked at me then with tears glistening in her eyes.
“I can’t stay after having that nightmare. They probably won’t let me either. I can’t stop them. I can’t get away from them. The only time I don’t have them is…”
“Is when, sunshine?”
With perfect timing, the asshole nurse came back in the room. Just as I was getting ready to lay into him for a second time today, he turned to Kayla.
“Ma’am, I was wondering if I could talk to you a minute. If… if that’s okay?”
Protective mode kicked in.
“She isn’t going anywhere alone with you. If she wants to talk you do it right here in front of me,” I informed him as I pulled Kayla back in my arms.
He nodded.
“I was curious, how y’all are doing it?”
We both look at each other confused and responded together.
“Do what?”
“I saw you having that nightmare. Anyone hearing that knows what kind of past you have. How do you move forward with him? How do you stay with her when her past comes out like that?”
“Honestly…” Kayla paused.
“Oh, my name is Corey, Ma’am.”
“Honestly, Corey, I haven’t moved forward. My past is still in my present. However, I ran into Jason here at my family’s house when I was leaving. Something about him calmed my constant nerves. I wanted him to stay away, and I think I actually begged you to, didn’t I? It was a kiss that changed my mind, and from then on I just trusted my gut. It hasn’t let me down yet.”
Corey was definitely trying to process all this information. Maybe there was more to his comment earlier that I was too in a hurry to dismiss as judgmental. Something was telling me this was something close to him.
“Her past isn’t who she is, Corey. The way she moves throughout the day or the extra precautions she takes, yes, but she’s more than those things. When I met this woman, she took my breath away even before I knew her name, heard her talk, or anything. It was like clouds were out, but the sun broke through to shine only on her. Then one day she walks into the station to make a report with a big scary circle of men, and I find out why she ran from me and pushed me away. Did it change my view? Absolutely not! In fact, it made me respect her even more. Things that come natural to you and me, are harder for her. But because it’s harder for her, that makes it mean so much more when she lets you in. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes. Yes, thank you both,” he stood to leave.
“Why did you ask us that?” Kayla asked.
He sat back down and told us all about his girlfriend, and what she’s like with him, and to be honest, it sounded a lot like Kayla. The only difference was that he doesn’t even know what her past carried. He only got bits and pieces.
“I am head over heels in love with this girl, but if I touch her she freaks. She says to be patient, but its…”
“Hard? It is hard man, but if she’s worth it and you really
do love her, it doesn’t really matter in the end how hard it is, because you want to do it no matter what,” I said as I looked at Kayla.
“Have you guys… I mean… never mind, it isn’t any of my business.”
“No, we haven’t had sex,” I said bluntly. “Do I want to? Hell yes! Does she want to? Duh, look at me, of course she does,” I said laughingly.
It was a serious topic, but it didn’t mean that there was a reason to be somber about it. It was a situation that would change when it was meant to change, so why fret?
“I do want to,” Kayla whispered, and I froze, staring at her completely shocked as she continued. “But my past creeps in and stops me. I panic and freak out, as you put it. I worry that my constant back and forth is going to send Jason running from me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t control the panic or the fear. If you really love her like you say you do, then talk to her. Listen to her. Make her laugh when all she wants to do is cry. Breathe for her when she feels like she’s suffocating. Let her see that you are there for her for whatever happens, and it doesn’t affect how you feel about her. Only then will she truly know you aren’t just trying to get in her pants, and trust is formed,” she finished, her voice shaking.
I pulled her tighter to me.
“See Corey, the thing is, your girl is probably going through those same problems and worries. For me, whatever piece I can get from Kayla is fine by me as long as I have a piece of her with me. One day I will hold all the pieces and be able to make her whole again, but until then, I will take one day - one piece - at a time, until she is ready.”
“Thank you, you guys were extremely helpful. I really appreciate it,” he said as he was walking out the door, closing it behind him.
Leaning back against the bed, I yawned. When Kayla stayed sitting up, I sat back up and ran my hand down her arm.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Do you get frustrated with my hot and cold?” she asked quietly.
“Baby, our relationship, is not based on sex. It’s based on friendship. Yes, I would love to make love to you, but I know that will come when both of us are ready. I wouldn’t want it before then. I want you to enjoy that time too, not just me.”
She sat there for a moment not saying anything. I worried that I might have said something wrong.
“I have to go. I need to meet up with Eli and my dad. You get some rest. I will be back in a little while, okay?”
She started to get up, but I grabbed her hand. Scooting off the bed, I stood up in front of her. I could tell by the stuffiness in the room something changed in her and I didn’t like it. It was a sense I never got around her, and I really didn’t understand why it was happening right then.
I leaned down and took her lips with mine. At first she didn’t return it and I panicked a little. But soon she opened her mouth and I slid my tongue inside. Moving closer to her, she brought her arms up around my shoulders and I pulled her tighter against me. The warmth spread through me like wildfire in a dry season. I needed her more than I needed anyone before, but that need was not just sexual, it was emotional as well. I broke the kiss a few moments later.
“Promise me you’ll come back, please,” I whispered.
“I will,” she breathed.
“I need you to promise me,” I whispered as I looked into her eyes.
“I will, I promise,” she whispered.
I knew that making her promise was a way to make sure she would actually come back. The way she was before the kiss scared me. I felt like she was closing me off - pushing me away again. There was no way I was losing her. Not now, not ever.
She helped me back in bed and I kissed her one more time before she left. The room was cold, empty, and dark without her there. Pulling the blankets up to my chin, I kept repeating the same thing to myself over and over again.
She’ll be back. She promised.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
~KAYLA~
I didn’t stop walking until I got to the car. Sitting behind the wheel, I stared out the window and let my tears fall. The pain I feel in my chest was real; my heart was breaking. Not because of Jason, but for him instead. Talking with Corey made me see that I’ve made things so hard for him. Jason was wrong - I wasn’t not strong. If I were strong, I wouldn’t have been breaking down like that. How I felt about him was not a lie, but how can I put that before how I am dragging him down?
Shaking my head, I pulled myself together and started the car. When Jason had been taken back for surgery, I promised myself to take things one day at a time and give him more of me. He deserved more of me. I planned to keep that promise.
Just as I was about to put my car in gear I noticed a piece of paper under my windshield wiper. Rolling down my window, I reached out and grabbed the paper.
There were a couple of things I picked up rather quickly with being in fear of Alex’s attacks all the time. One would be to never get out of your car to get the note. It was usually when you did that someone snuck into your car. Just in case, I checked the backseat of my car to make sure someone wasn’t already in my car. It was empty. With shaking hands, I opened the letter.
Alex isn’t the only one to watch out for. Consider yourself the ‘get out of debt card.’ I will be collecting on my debt soon. Count on it. ~S~
I put the note in my pocket and headed to my dad’s law firm where my brother partnered with him. I hadn’t been there in years, but I remembered exactly where to go. The lady at reception tried to stop me, but I kept going. I needed to tell my dad and brother so I could get out from under this new person.
I barged into my dad’s office with the receptionist right behind me, screaming at me. My dad was in a meeting, but when he saw me, he was up and out of his chair in a second. The minute his arms were around me, I broke down.
“Gerald, I’m sorry, but I need to cut this meeting short and reschedule. There is a family emergency I need to deal with.”
“Sir, I tried to get her to stay out, but she-”
“Kali, this is my daughter, and she can barge in whenever she wants. My family has always come first.”
Soon I heard the door shut and my dad led me over to one of the couches in his office and handed me tissues. Sitting back, I wiped my eyes and nose, and tried to pull myself together.
“Dad, I need to talk to you, and Eli needs to be in here too.”
Dad got up to call Eli and I took a moment to look around his office. It had changed a lot since I was there last. Of course, the last time I was in there was when I was nine.
One wall was lined with family pictures and his degree. He had two couches and an arm chair around a coffee table. There were two chairs in front of his desk, and bookshelves completely full of books lined one wall. I walked over and looked at them all.
Reaching up, I ran my finger down one book. It was my favorite growing up. I smiled sadly.
“I kept that here hoping one day you’d want to come back to spend a day with me like you used to. That day never came,” he added sadly.
“I loved coming here. Did you know I wanted to be a lawyer just like you? I dreamed of working here side by side with you and Eli,” I said, dropping my eyes to the book again and let out a sad laugh. “I just wanted to make you proud of me. For you to be proud to have me as your daughter,” I whispered.
“Pumpkin, you have made me so damn proud. You could be still living at home with no job, and I would still be so unbelievably proud to have you as my daughter. There is nothing you can do or say to change that.”
I moved passed him and back to the couch. I sat back down, wrapping my arms around me and leaning forward on my legs.
“How can you be proud of me, dad? How can Jason want to be with me? I have let myself go so long without getting help. I have been attacked for sixteen years, and you’re proud of me. I’m not even proud of myself. I didn’t become a lawyer, I became a vet. I didn’t get my own home. I have temporary places until Alex finds me and I have to move again. I have h
id from the world because I’m afraid of it. How? How can anyone be proud of me?”
Dad moved and sat next to me on the couch. He wrapped his arms around and held me tightly.
“Pumpkin, you just don’t see it do you? You could never disappoint me. It just isn’t possible. I’m saddened that you didn’t tell me about this sooner and that I didn’t notice sooner, but you took control and you fought back. You may think that you have done nothing, but you have done everything just by not giving up. My heart breaks when I see you hurt, but there is nothing in me that doubts your ability to make it through and get this sorry son of a bitch. Soon my pumpkin, you will be free, and that wonderful man - who I know loves you - will get you all to himself with no preoccupation elsewhere.”
I stared at my dad, shocked by what he had said. Just as I was about to tell my father just how wrong he was, Eli walked in. I knew it was time to tell my dad. When I looked at him, I knew I was just about to let him down. It was certainly going to push him over the edge, anger would come back to him, and the pity - or whatever he felt for me - would be gone. What I had to say needed to be said then and there, so maybe then I could truly be past all of this and hopefully convince the man I’m in love with that I’m worth loving too.
Pulling out of my father’s embrace, I stood up and they both looked at me. I was going to blindside my brother with my news, but I still couldn’t tell him all of it quite yet. There were two reasons really: I wasn’t completely sure of all the facts, and I was worried someone might overhear our conversation. I took a couple deep breaths, trying to steady myself for what I was sure was going to be a battle of the wills the minute I open my mouth.
“Daddy, there are things going on that you may not be aware of. There are trails and bread crumbs over the years that have led me to this, but in the end, neither of you are going to be happy with me. Eli, I know that I just talked to you yesterday, but I didn’t tell you everything. I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure, but after what I found today, I know, sadly that I am.”
“Will you just tell us?” Eli yelled.
I knew he’d be upset that I wasn’t completely honest with him. He had asked me several times if there was anything else he needed to know, and I’d kept telling him no. In my own defense, I wasn’t the type of person who accuses without the facts. Even though this has subjected me to them as well as made me vulnerable to others, I didn’t want to say without knowing for sure.
