by L. B. Dunbar
I wanted to say don’t bother, but I bit my tongue. I knew I could give him the silent treatment in the truck and make him suffer, but then again, suffering in silence is what he’d been doing for years.
A young lady can certainly express her interest in a young man in a subtle way through indirect eye contact, but the gentleman should make the first move to be introduced to a young lady through a common acquaintance.
“Matters in Manners,” 1957
THE NEXT FEW days were tense between Jess and me. I continued to come to the shop, but Jess was not always present. The times he was, I ignored him. I talked and signed with Katie. One day she was drawing a birthday cake with flaming candles on a piece of construction paper.
“What’s this? Is it your birthday?”
No, Katie shook her head.
“Is it my birthday?” I laughed.
I don’t know, she shrugged.
“Is it your daddy’s birthday?”
Katie smiled and glanced sideways toward her father. She placed a finger in front of her mouth as a signal for quiet as she returned her gaze to me.
Today? I signed.
Tomorrow, Katie signed in response.
“Oh, a surprise, huh? Lots of candles on that cake?” I laughed and snuck a quick look over at Jess.
“Hey,” I heard in the background making me flinch, but I refused to look behind the counter again. After three days, even Tom noticed the tension between Jess and I. “Stop it, both of you.”
“What?” Jess said angrily.
“You two are like my girls at home.”
“Shut up, Tom,” Jess said under his breath, but it was Katie who stared at her father now.
I HAD TAKEN over Nana’s dining room as my office space. My laptop was permanently plugged in and I had called a cable company to install cable television and Internet service. The Internet was slow, but Nana loved the new channels on the television. One night while I was working I heard Nana walking around upstairs.
“Nana?” I yelled toward the staircase without getting out of my chair. “You okay?”
Nana didn’t answer. I stopped typing and waited. Then I heard another noise.
“What the hell?” I muttered, standing up and walking toward the stairs.
“Nana?” I called out nervously.
I climbed the steps and opened Nana’s bedroom door slowly. I noticed the sheets pulled back and Nana was out of her bed. I hesitantly walked around the bed, my heart racing as I softly called out again.
“Nana?”
Relieved not to find Nana on the floor, I heard a noise coming from outside the room and I returned to the second floor hall. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the door to my mother’s old room slightly ajar, but there was no light coming through the slit opening. I approached the doorway cautiously.
“Nana?”
As I pushed open the door, I saw Nana struggling to move the rocking chair out of the corner.
“I’m going to see John, and you can’t stop me.”
“Nana!” Pure fear filled my voice.
“I love him. I don’t care what you think of him. I’m going to see him.”
“Nana, what are you talking about? It’s me, Emily. John is not out the window.” I didn’t dare mention that my grandfather had been dead for years.
Nana glanced out the window and back at me with contempt.
“You are just saying that because you want him for yourself.”
“Oh my God, Nana. That’s enough.”
“I love him, Sarah. And he loves me. Stay away.”
“Nana, please,” I began to softly cry. “Who’s Sarah? What are you talking about?”
A hard pounding sounded on the front door. I didn’t dare move for fear my grandmother would jump out the window. When I didn’t respond to the knocking, the door began to rattle. Eventually, I heard footsteps in the lower rooms.
“Emily? Emily, are you all right?” Joe Carpenter’s voice filled the front hall and echoed up the staircase.
“Up here, Joe. Help me.”
I could hear Joe race up the stairs two at a time.
“Nana,” I addressed my grandmother again, deciding to try something different. “Maybe we can go downstairs to look for John. Is he outside? We can go out the front door and check the yard. See if he’s waiting?”
Joe opened the door dressed in his police chief uniform, and Nana straightened up.
“What’s going on here?” Nana asked the officer.
“I was about to ask you two the same thing, Elizabeth.” His voice was authoritative.
Nana looked around her. She glanced at her hands on the rocking chair then turned back toward the bed in the opposite corner. She peered at the window, but not out of it.
“I don’t know,” Nana said with quiet confusion.
I continued to stand with tears streaming down my face, and I let out a deep sigh of relief that Nana did not go through the window. I was relieved that Joe Carpenter was here and that Nana had come back to her senses. I wanted to think Nana had been dreaming, sleepwalking maybe, but I knew in my heart that this was not true.
“Nana, how about if I take you back to bed?” I offered, approaching her gently as if she were a caged animal. I placed my shaky arms around her and escorted a frail, defeated looking Nana to her bedroom. I even helped her lie down and tucked her under the blankets.
“Love you, Nana,” I said, kissing her temple like a child.
“Love you, too, Mama,” Nana said, and I had to stifle the sob that came to my throat. I walked into the hallway, leaned against the closed door, and slid to the floor. I covered my mouth with both my hands and sobbed, rocking silently against the door. Still in his role as chief of police, Joe squatted in front of me.
“Emily,” he said with gentle authority, “Come downstairs.”
I just nodded my head as Joe took one arm and helped me stand. I didn’t remove my hands from my mouth until I reached the base of the staircase. I vigorously wiped away the tears on my face. Sue Carpenter was standing in the living room in a robe and slippers.
“What happened?” she asked franticly.
“I don’t know. I don’t know,” I started to silently cry again.
Sue continued. “I happened to be in Georgie’s old room and looked out the window. I saw Elizabeth struggling with that chair. I heard her through the open windows, whispering, ‘John? John?’ and I just knew it didn’t look right.”
I continued to nod my head as I dropped onto a floral couch.
“She said she was going to see John and I couldn’t stop her. She said she loved him and didn’t care what I thought. Then she called me ‘Sarah’ and told me I wanted him for myself, but she loved John and he loved her. She seemed to come around when she saw Joe standing there in his uniform, although she had no idea why she was in the bedroom corner. When I put her in bed and told her I loved her, she said she loved me too and called me Mama.” Tears started streaming down my face anew.
“Oh my, Emily, you need to do something. Get some help. This is serious,” Sue blurted everything out at once.
“Susan,” Joe warned.
“I know,” I replied. “Sue’s right. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I don’t know what to do, either. I’ve talked with my sister. Rosie can’t take her. With three children and another one expected any day, it’s out of the question. I could take her to Chicago, but my apartment is small, and I’m afraid a change like that would confuse her more. I could still take her to Chicago and put her in a home, but it breaks my heart to think of that as well. Take her to Chicago and move myself then hire a nurse? I keep thinking of everything.”
“For now you are staying here though, right?” Sue confirmed.
“Yes. Do I put her in a home here and visit when I can?” I continued with my long list of options. “I don’t want to do that either. Then she’s unfamiliar with her surroundings and I’m out of my element.”
“What do you mean, honey, out of your elem
ent? Why, this is your home, too.” Sue sounded confused.
“Sue, this isn’t my home. It’s Nana’s.”
“Yes, but you practically lived here yourself as a child until you went to school.”
“It’s been years. What would I do here?”
“Well, what did you do at home?”
“I wrote.”
“Write here.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Okay,” Joe interjected. “This is not helping Emily or Elizabeth. I say for now we go home. You go to bed. You may need to consider some kind of safety mechanism on the windows. I can send Jess Carter over tomorrow to install them.”
No way.
“Joe, isn’t this something you or George could do instead?” I was exasperated to hear the suggestion of Jess helping me.
Joe laughed. “Not George. I guess I can do it, but I need to work the early shift. Can you go to the hardware store? I’ll call Bob over there and tell him to put some window locks aside, but just in case, I’ll also write it down. I can come over tomorrow and attach them to the windows in the afternoon.”
I HARDLY SLEPT that night. Every noise made me jump and I checked on Nana constantly. When I finally woke to my alarm, I wasn’t sure where I was for a moment. I had been dreaming of my apartment and air-conditioning, which Nana did not have in this room. I was envisioning taxi rides, lights on Michigan Avenue, and nightlife on Rush Street. I heard water in the background and I thought of North Avenue beach, which would be filled with people sunbathing, playing volleyball, and biking on the trail along Lake Shore Drive. I even had a burger at Wrigley Stadium in my dream. When I woke up, my mouth was dry and my eyes were swollen from crying.
I dressed slowly and thought about canceling my session with Katie. It wasn’t because of any other reason than I couldn’t deal with Jess Carter this morning. When I went down the stairs, though, I glimpsed Jess’ truck pulling into Nana’s driveway through the transom in the front door. Oh God, I thought. Joe promised.
I opened the front door and walked onto the porch. I had already checked on Nana and she was still sleeping.
Good morning, Katie, I signed.
Good morning, Katie signed back.
She was a ray of sunshine, I decided with pride in my heart at her new communication skills.
“I thought maybe Katie would like to come here today instead. You know, a change of scenery.”
I bit my lip.
“If that’s all right with you, of course,” Jess asked sheepishly. He wasn’t wearing a bandana today and he pushed a stray hair behind his ear. He clenched his jaw and for a moment I thought he might be nervous.
Katie held up a bouquet of wild flowers.
“What’s this?” I asked.
For Nana, Katie signed by spelling n-a-n-a.
“Did you want to play in the playhouse?”
Katie nodded emphatically, Yes.
“Nana isn’t awake, lazy lady, but I will take those for her and you can go play. I will be there in a moment, okay?”
Katie didn’t respond, but took off running for the backyard.
I stood still, twirling the flowers to bring them to my nose and bit my lips nervously when Jess spoke.
“Look, it’s a small town. No one means disrespect. There are so many old people here it’s not a new story, but people care about Elizabeth and they want to help.”
I just shook my head in disbelief while I continued to chew my lips.
“Joe didn’t tell me. Bob at the hardware store did. Well, actually I overheard him telling some kid to pull the protectors for Joe. For you.”
I still couldn’t say anything. A tear stole out of my eye and I quickly wiped it away. Jess stepped closer to me.
“I’ll do it. For free,” he said softly, brushing another traitorous tear from my cheek. My skin prickled with the cautious touch.
“No,” my voice creaked. “Joe said he’d do it later. It’s no big deal.”
“I owe you.”
“Well, I don’t want you to,” I let anger take over my tone as I swiped another tear forcefully off my face. “You don’t owe me anything,”
“Okay. I don’t want to be pushy.” His eyes looked concerned as he gently wiped another tear from my face. I finally looked up at him and saw pure blue eyes focused on me. The tenderness in his touch brought more tears and a slightly embarrassed laugh. He was reminding me of my accusation of his pushiness in the library.
I gave in, letting him install the window latches, and an hour passed while I played and tutored Katie. Returning to the backyard, Jess invited me to a birthday get-together. He was turning twenty-seven years old that day, and he laughed when he said he wasn’t supposed to know about the party, reminding me it was a small town again. The non-family festivities were planned for his brother’s house around 8:00 PM.
“That’s when the real party will begin.” One side of his mouth quirked upward.
“Thanks Jess, but I don’t know,” I motioned toward the house. “I don’t feel right leaving Nana.”
“You could bring Elizabeth, too.” But I knew that was out of the question.
“We’ll see.”
“Okay.” He actually sounded disappointed, and after the pushy comments earlier, he didn’t continue to pursue it.
Katie was walking past the two of us when I reached out for her.
“Wait a minute. No goodbye?” I sternly mocked.
Goodbye, Katie waved.
“Wait. Come back here, missy.” I scolded playfully.
Katie turned around.
“I hear there’s a birthday party. Did you get something for your daddy yet?”
Katie nodded her head.
“I don’t suppose you’ll whisper it in my ear?”
Katie smiled as she shook her head.
“I have a suggestion. Can I whisper it in your ear?”
Katie smiled slowly and nodded.
I leaned in and whispered, “I bet your daddy would love to hear your voice, baby girl. Is there a special way to break that spell?”
Katie surprisingly nodded her head again.
“Please, don’t tell me you have to get a prince to kiss you?” I said out loud.
Katie might have giggled then stopped herself by cupping her hand over her mouth. She shook her head instead.
“Think about it.”
Silence.
NANA DIDN’T RECALL waking up and trying to escape the window. She actually thought the story humorous. She mentioned how she’d had a friend named Sarah when she was a teenager and they both liked John Parrish. He was good looking, Nana stressed. One girl liked him for his good looks and his big plans for the future, the other liked him for his big plans and his good looks. When I asked what the difference was, Nana explained that John was a dreamer. He wanted to make a mark on the world, and he wanted a smart woman with him. Nana was that woman.
Nana lived up here while John lived down-state. He visited Up North for the summers, staying in his parent’s cottage. Sarah was a summer friend from down-state as well and she saw this as an advantage to go “steady” with John. She actually air-quoted with her crooked fingers, and mentioned again that he had been the best looking guy in town. He talked often of big plans to go to college, start a business, and invent the next best thing, whatever that thing might be. Sarah didn’t really care about John’s pursuits, Nana explained, but Nana did. John visited Nana the following summer when he returned Up North again with his family. The three teenagers remained pen pals when people used to have them, Nana laughed.
Continuing with her story, she explained that Sarah and John dated their freshman year in college as they both attended the same school. Nana studied at the University of Chicago like me, and returned home after her first year to find John planned another summer in Elk Rapids. They tried to fight it, but their attraction grew to a point of frustration at times, and finally John broke up with Sarah. In the meantime, Nana knew her parents would not let
her date a boy from down-state, so she had to sneak out to see him. When he finally proposed to Nana years later, her parents approved of Nana’s move south, and she cursed the hypocrisy. Nana assumed the various situations blended together last night in her head blend: sneaking out to him, losing the friendship with Sarah because of John, and fighting with her parents over him.
“What ever happened to Sarah?”
“She married the next guy; he was the mayor of some city for a while.” Nana laughed at the history.
“Nana, would you ever consider moving to Chicago with me, so we could be together?”
“Well, honey, why would I move to Chicago when we are together now?” Nana asked with a quizzical look on her face, and I felt it was one of the few moments she was absolutely lucid in her thoughts.
“You scared me last night, Nana,” I admitted honestly.
“Oh, pish-posh, honey. I was just sleep-talking. I bet I saw old Joe next door in that uniform and it scared me out of my dreaming, but not out of my sleep.” Nana laughed again at herself.
“Nana,” I sighed. “I’m serious.”
Nana’s face grew serious as well.
“I am not leaving my home, Emily. If you need to return to Chicago, so be it, but this is where I plan to spend my final days.”
I was too tired to argue and too scared to continue the conversation. I felt out of my league trying to convince an eighty-something year old woman that she was a danger to herself over a man who was already dead. For some reason I thought of my mother, how this should be her responsibility, how she should be alive, and handling this issue.
“Nana, I don’t have to leave yet. I think I’ll stay for a while longer, if you’ll let me.”
“Of course, dear. Of course. Sweet on someone, are you?”
“No, Nana.”
“That George next door is a looker. And a lawyer. Which reminds me, I have something for you. It’s in the top drawer of the highboy in the dining room. You have worked so hard around here and I heard you’ve been working with that little dumb girl.”
“Nana, she’s not dumb. She just won’t speak.”
“Yes, dear, they call it dumb.”
