by L. B. Dunbar
Eventually Nana said she was tired and I helped her up the stairs. She seemed to have grown frailer despite my visit and the shaky hands and wobbly knees did not go unnoticed. I waited while Nana completed her nightly ritual of hair pins and nightgown before I helped her into bed and kissed her head gently.
“Love you, Nana.”
“Love you too, Emily.”
I WAS IN the dining room again. My laptop was on and surrounded by books and sheets of paper spread everywhere. I had my iPod on as well with the ear-buds in so as not to wake Nana. I let the music drown me as I searched the Internet for retirement and assisted living homes in the Chicago area. It was time to get back on the path I had fallen off of and plan ahead. I thought I heard a noise and paused in mid-typing, waiting a minute for a repeat of the noise, but I heard nothing else. But then I heard another thump and pushed my chair back to stand up. The iPod slid off the table because it was still attached to my ear-buds and I bent to pick it up. When I was down under the table, I had a view of Nana’s feet through the rails of the staircase banister as she was walking down the stairs. I stood up to call Nana’s name, but a scream came out instead as I saw my grandmother slip on the sixth stair and tumble to the base of the stairwell.
“Nana?” I yelled. “Nana, can you hear me?”
She was silent and I was afraid to touch her. There was banging on the door as I stood to get my cell phone.
“Emily, let me in, it’s Jess,” I vaguely heard through the door.
Ignoring him, I continued to run for the phone, deciding on the landline instead. It wasn’t a cordless, but a wall phone with a long cord. I couldn’t reach the front door with the phone in my hand. I dialed 911 as Jess continued to bang on the door. When the dispatcher answered I was breathing so hard I could hardly speak the address clearly, nor could I explain the emergency. I kept glancing at my grandmother’s frail body sprawled on the floor. It was an image I was sure I would never get out of my mind.
Jess was still banging on the door, yelling my name as the 911 operator was asking me more questions about Nana’s vitals. I couldn’t take the phone with me to check my grandmother and the operator told me to hold the line. An ambulance was on the way, and I could put the phone down to check Nana, but I was shaking so hard I wasn’t sure if I found a pulse or not. It suddenly occurred to me that Nana could be dead.
Oh, God. Please, no. Please no.
Someone was talking on the phone behind me, but I was frozen as I knelt next to Nana. Joe Carpenter came through the kitchen doorway into the living room and found me sitting at the bottom of the stairs, leaning over Nana.
“I don’t know what happened. I heard a noise, and then another noise. Then I saw Nana almost to the end of the stairs and she fell. I don’t know if I screamed and it made her fall or if she fell and then I screamed.” I was shaking enough that it was visible.
“The ambulance is on the way. It will be Pam in the ambulance. Don’t move her.”
Jess? I thought. Was that Jess’ voice? I was stiff with shock, but I couldn’t control the shaking.
“All right, tell me what you were doing here again.” It was Joe Carpenter talking to Jess.
“I think…I think this is my fault.” Jess looked at Joe guiltily.
“Why would you say that? Be very careful how you answer me, Jess.” It was that authoritative Chief of Police voice that Joe was using.
“I came here to talk to Emily. I saw a light on upstairs and thought it was her room. I threw a couple pebbles at the window to try and get her attention.”
“I was in the dining room,” I stammered. “There couldn’t have been a light. Nana was sleeping.”
“I swear, Joe. Go look. The light was on before I threw the pebbles. Oh God, I’m so sorry.” Jess looked at me with pleading eyes. He sank down next to me on the floor and reached for me, but I pulled away slightly.
“Careful, Jess. Emily, honey, you okay? You’re shaking pretty bad. I hear the siren.” Joe spoke soothingly as he moved to open the front door.
“How did you get in here?” I asked Jess. It was a silly question to ask at this time.
Joe answered. “Jess broke the screen in the back by the kitchen. I’ll make sure he fixes it free of charge.” He glared in Jess’ direction. Jess had backed away from me and stood, then leaned back to rest against the couch arm when the EMTs arrived.
“Jess?” a female voice addressed him.
“Pam,” Jess responded.
“Let’s take a look. Honey, you have to move now, okay? You come with me.” The woman named Pam helped me up and asked me if I was hurt in any way. She saw that I was shaking and a blanket was wrapped around me. Two men worked with Nana who still had not responded.
“She’s not? She’s not…” I couldn’t finish the question.
Pam answered. “No, no, she’s still breathing, just unconscious. My guess is a broken hip and a broken arm. Maybe a few broken ribs. Be careful there,” she said to her fellow workers.
When Nana was being removed from the house, I asked if I could ride with her.
“How will you get home?” Pam asked, but she was looking in the direction where Jess sat.
“I’ll follow with Joe,” his husky voice replied.
I climbed into the ambulance and sat where Pam directed me. The driver started the engine and turned on the lights as we drove away from Nana’s fairy tale home.
At the hospital, they gave Nana oxygen and told me she would need to rest. She had a broken hip and a broken arm. Due to her age and the damage to her bones, she would have difficulty recovering. For now she was heavily sedated to ease the pain and allow for comfort. The nurse suggested I go home, but seemed to know I would not leave.
“At least go get yourself some coffee or something to eat. She won’t wake for a while,” the nurse assured me.
When I walked out of Nana’s hospital room, I saw Jess and Joe sitting in green plastic chairs down the hall. Joe was leaning back with his head against the wall, but Jess was leaning forward with elbows propped on his knees, his hands on his head. His bandana was around his wrist and his hands were laced through his loose hair. I approached them and my presence made Jess look up.
“Thank you both. They said Nana is resting for now and won’t wake for a while. She did break her hip and her arm. I’m going to stay so you both can go home now.” I was trying to stay very calm.
“Emily, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean…” But I put my hand up to stop Jess from speaking.
“This is not your fault. And I swear I do not blame you. I don’t know what Nana was doing.”
Joe stood. “All right, Jess. Take me home?”
Jess looked at Joe and then back to me.
“I’d like to stay,” he said to me.
“You don’t need to do that. I’m fine. I’m going to go get some coffee and will be back in a few minutes.” I backed away slowly before turning around and walking briskly toward the next hallway. As soon as I rounded the first corner and was out of sight of the men, I leaned against the wall, face forward. I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I burst into tears with both hands covering my mouth, just like the night Nana tried to leave through the window.
I was piecing things together in my mind. If Nana was awake, and she heard the pebbles hit the window, she probably thought it was John. I had told Nana not to go through the window. If she wanted to meet John, I promised I would take her downstairs and through the front door. I was trying to think like Nana and I believed she simply acted out what I had suggested. Go through the front door.
Suddenly, two hands touched my shoulders. The hands slid down my arms to turn me around. I didn’t look up, although I knew it was Jess, and I couldn’t hold back. I jumped at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my wet face into his shoulder and sobbing harder. I didn’t want to make a scene. I didn’t want to make noise, so I actually opened my mouth as if to bite Jess’ shoulder and pressed down to prevent the sobbing sound from escaping. His a
rms wrapped around me as well and he was stroking my hair when it hit me that he was only touching me because he felt guilty. I quickly disentangled myself from his hold and pushed back on his chest, which pressed me into the wall. I was trapped as Jess returned his hands to my shoulders, but after I wiped both sides of my face, I gently pushed his hands away.
“Don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Jess whispered, bending slightly to look me in the eye.
“I swear I don’t blame you. If anything it was my fault. I told Nana if she thought John came for her, she should come down the stairs and out the front door. I couldn’t risk her jumping out the window. Instead, I just encouraged her to fall down the stairs.” My voice squeaked with my rising hysteria.
“Don’t do this. This was not your fault either.”
“Don’t,” I demanded as Jess went to touch my cheeks. “You don’t need to be here. I know how you feel about me, and I don’t need you to feel guilty. I’m fine. I promise I don’t blame you.”
He pulled back from me with a huff and it gave me the chance to escape down the main hall and away from him.
NANA WAS IN the hospital for four days. She woke at times and called for John. She mumbled in her drugged sleep that she could not be kept from him. Arrangements were made for a rehabilitation center to assist Nana when she could be moved. The medical center was helpful, but tried to be realistic with me. Most patients of an older age who suffer a trauma, such as a fall and broken bones, do not recover enough to return to their own homes. I knew without a doubt now that my choice to take Nana to Chicago was no longer the visit I promised her. Nana would never be returning to her cottage style home again.
On the fourth day, Nana opened her eyes and she seemed coherent as she looked at me.
“They can’t keep me away from John,” her weak voice strained.
“I know, Nana. I know.” I could sense the overwhelming love my grandmother felt for my grandfather even in her older age.
“Nana, I’m so sorry. Are you in pain? Can I get you anything?”
But Nana had already closed her pale eyes again. A single teardrop slid down her face and then she was gone. They couldn’t keep her away. She rejoined her John.
The privacy of the family needs to be respected when the condolences are done.
“Matters of Manners,” 1974
FILLING OUT THE forms for the death certificate and making arrangements with a funeral home were a blur to me. I was hardly aware of how long I had been at the hospital. I ate and slept there. The nurses let me take a shower in one of the shower rooms after Jess brought me a change of clothes. I didn’t talk to him much, but simply thanked him for the gesture and asked about Katie. He attempted to touch me as he told me how tired I looked, but I pulled away from him. I didn’t need his sympathy filled with regrets.
I called Rosie from the hospital when Nana passed on. We had spoken on the phone each day that Nana was in the hospital. She was my personal cheerleader to keep my chin up and hold my heart down in regards to Jess Carter. The problem was that I wanted his comfort, but not like this; not because of this. I had to keep myself separate. When Joe Carpenter eventually gave me a ride back to Nana’s all I wanted to do was sleep.
Sue Carpenter was an angel in my opinion. She made all the funeral arrangements. She called the church for me and organized a luncheon to be served at the Carpenter’s home. I said I could have something catered at Nana’s, which would be the proper custom, but truthfully I didn’t have a clue where could cater in the area. Sue also convinced me that when I was done receiving the customary condolences, I could leave the mess behind and she would clean it up.
Rosie could not attend the funeral. With the baby due any day now, traveling was out of the question. Her husband, Mark, had offered to fly up with the girls, but I really thought it would be more hassle than it was worth. I didn’t want the company or the entertainment, and although he was family, Mark didn’t know Nana like Rosie and I had known her. So I stood alone in the front of the church in a black dress with a light sweater over it. I didn’t pack my black suit in my haste to return to Elk Rapids weeks ago. A funeral was the last thing on my mind. My spaghetti strap dress in a church would have appalled Nana for funeral attire, so I borrowed one of her old sweaters to cover my shoulders. It was too long and too big, but I didn’t care. I kept my sunglasses on as much as possible, taking them off only for the service in the church. The luncheon followed a trip to the small cemetery on the edge of Elk Lake where Elizabeth Parish was laid to rest beside her husband, John.
Nana was old, and many of her friends had passed, but being from a small town, local people knew her. Townspeople of all ages came to show their respect. Older neighbors appreciated her kindness and grace. The families on the street remembered her gentle smile. Children brought handfuls of floral weeds as homage to playing in the fairy tale cottage playhouse in Nana’s garden. After meeting and shaking hands with people I hardly remembered, or never knew, I finally came across Katie Carter.
“Hello,” I signed and said.
Hello, Katie signed.
“I have missed you,” I signed and said.
I am sorry, mama, Katie signed, spelling m-a-m-a.
I was startled and corrected Katie.
“You mean you are sorry about Nana. N-a-n-a.” I signed the spelling.
I am sorry, mama, Katie repeated.
My eyebrows pinched and I looked at Katie with concern.
“Nana, n-a-n-a.” I emphasized the ‘n.’
Katie stared at me with an intensity almost similar to her father’s. I had never had a stand-off with her before, but I truly had no idea why she kept spelling mama instead of nana, but Tom Carter walked up at this point to give me his condolences and I let the issue go.
“Sorry you are leaving us. Hoped you’d stick around a little longer.”
“Oh, thank you, Tom. I have a few things to handle for Nana. About Nana.” I corrected myself. “I’m in no hurry to get home yet.”
Tom Carter looked at me with a puzzled expression. Then his smile grew largely.
“Well, that’s good to know. Good to know. Harbor Days’ coming up. Always a good time then.” I smiled in return to his constant good nature. I knew Tom meant well, but now was not the time to be thinking of a party.
“Now is not the time to talk about partying, Tom,” said a woman with a swat to the back of his head. I recognized her as Mary Carter, Tom and Jess’ mother, when she spoke to me.
“So sorry this happened to you, dear. It must have been a fright. I know from my own John having a heart attack years ago at home in bed with me. It’s a rough road ahead for you and if you need someone to talk to, you call me. I’ve been through all the stages of loss and you will find your way through too.” I again knew that Mrs. Carter meant well.
Jess never approached me. He was present at all the functions, always in my periphery, but never in my space. I had noticed he was dressed in that runway model look with a white shirt rolled to the elbows, a dark tie, and dark jeans. He had had a dark coat on at the funeral, but now it was removed. People were starting to thin out of the Carpenter’s home and I began to clear dishes and carry them into the kitchen.
“This is not for you,” Sue said as she grabbed coffee cups out of my hands. “Go home now. Take a nap. I’ll bring you some dinner later.”
“Sue, you’re an angel,” I said as I hugged her and obeyed her suggestion like a child.
I LAY ON my bed in Nana’s house with my dress and shoes still on. I was curled up with my hands under the pillow and my knees pulled up to my chest. I had taken off Nana’s sweater due to the heat of the luncheon next door, and I stared out the window at a lone Morning dove cooing on the phone line.
I never heard the back door click open or someone walk up the wooden stairs. I had just closed my eyes when I felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed behind me. As I turned in surprise, I saw Jess sitting opposite me. He wasn’t looking at me and I resumed my orig
inal position.
“How are you doing?” he asked me.
“What do you want?” I responded, harsher than I intended.
“I want to know how you’re doing.” I knew without looking at him that he was clenching his jaw in that way he had and was probably pinching the bridge of his nose.
“I’m fine. Thank you,” I said formally.
“Katie misses you.”
“I miss her too.”
There was silence after this comment and I waited a moment before I spoke.
“I don’t need your sympathy, Jess. I told you it wasn’t your fault.”
“I’m not here out of guilt.”
“Then why are you here?”
He didn’t answer.
“I can’t do this right now, Jess. You’ve made yourself clear. Please go away.”
I heard the side of the bed rise as Jess stood up. I listened for him to leave and heard him cross the short space to the bedroom door. Silently, tears slipped down my face and I briskly wiped them away. The room was quiet before I felt the bed creak behind me again. Arms suddenly came up around me and I felt Jess’ body pressed into my back.
“I’m not leaving,” he whispered into my ear.
More tears rolled down my face as his hand moved along my arm and I cradled my hand in his. I closed my eyes again and wiped my face with my other hand. With his free fingers, Jess began stroking my hair. He had removed it from the twist I had it in, and he was tenderly combing it out. When he was done with that, he let go of my hand and began to rub my back. Gentle fingers massaged my neck and shoulders down the center of my back, moving lower to its base. It took a while, but I finally relaxed. I knew under better circumstances I would have been on fire under his intimacy, but now I was so tired and drained that I gave into the comfort, not the temptation, of his touch. I felt him tracing something on my back. Letters possibly, spelling something maybe. It felt like an I…but I was drifting off to sleep.
