by L. B. Dunbar
“I know. Be quiet now,” Jess whispered toward my ear, so only I could hear.
“What?” My defenses were still raw and I answered a bit too strongly.
“Be quiet.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Honest. Don’t be mad. Did you see the grip she had on me?
“Yes. Shush.”
“Did you just ‘shush’ me?”
“Do I need to kiss you in front of all these people for you to close your mouth?”
“I…” and Jess leaned forward threateningly. I knew this move. He wasn’t really going to kiss me, but my mouth watered with the need to quench my thirst with those lips. He stopped just inches away and it halted my incessant speaking.
“Just…just let me hold you.”
I wanted to speak the word Okay and further tempt him to follow through on the delicious threat of a kiss, but I didn’t. We continued to dance in a slow circle despite the rising tempo of the song. When Tom and Karyn joined the make-shift dance circle, Tom could barely get his hands all the way around his wife’s back because of her pregnant stomach, so he switched to the same formal dance hold that Jess and I shared.
“Aw, you two are so cute.”
“Shut up, Tom,” Jess growled.
“Wow, Jess, did you see Katie? Quite the dancer. Got her moves from her father, ay?”
“Ay, shut up, I said.”
I looked at Karyn who shook her head with a grin on her face. She was obviously used to the banter of teasing from the older brother and the brooding responses of the younger.
“She was gripping this pretty lady so tightly. Didn’t want to let her go, ay?” Tom overemphasized the Canadian accent. “Another move, but one maybe the father should learn from the daughter?”
Jess took a step toward his brother while he was still holding me, and my hand fell to his hard chest to hold him back.
“Now boys, let’s play nicely, and Tom you pay attention to dancing with this pretty lady,” Karyn addressed her husband while winking at me. I could feel Jess’ heart beating through his t-shirt as well as the solid form of his upper chest. I wanted to run my hands down the front of his abs and rip the shirt from him.
“Jess,” I said gently, as I slid my hand back up to his shoulder, and he returned his attention to me. The light was dimming in the evening sky and I reached up to take the glasses from his eyes. I was hyper-aware that we were still in the dance circle, but not dancing anymore.
“Don’t hide from me.” I repeated his same words back to him this time. His eyes were almost a solid, dark-denim blue. He clenched his jaw and I wanted to reach up and trace the motion to soothe it from happening. He didn’t say anything.
“I promised Katie some ice cream,” I finally said as I realized the song had stopped and the audience was clapping again. Eyes were on Jess and I as he slid his hand down my arm, pulling me through the crowd to Tricia and a patiently waiting for Katie.
“Ice cream?” I said and signed to Katie.
Katie nodded her approval.
The tension returned as our mismatched group stood outside the ice cream shop. George was quiet and almost sulking. Ever the gentleman, he politely shook hands with people who recognized him as they walked past the small gathering. Tricia Carter joined our group as well, trying to chatter through the tension about the coming weekend festivities, but eventually gave up. Sammie kept trying to lean into Jess or touch him gently on the chest in the same place that I held him back from his brother, but Jess would lean away from her or remove her hand.
The night was growing cooler and I shivered in my white shorts and navy blue t-shirt. Jess noticed and mouthed the word cold as he signed it as well. I grinned to think of the bond I had with this man that few others shared because of Katie and sign language. I shook my head no in response. I still hadn’t eaten anything, but I refused Jess’ offer of ice cream in the shop. I swatted his hand away playfully as he tried to pay for Katie’s order, saying it had been my bribe and I intended to pay up.
“Oh, he wants you to more than pay up,” Tricia muttered under her breath to the ice cream display counter, but her comment didn’t go unnoticed and Jess scowled at her. I ignored it, handing Katie her ice cream cone, and the child immediately grabbed my free hand, pulling me outside the shop’s door.
Standing on the sidewalk was where we gathered when Sammie finally saw some other friend, and told Jess she was headed to the bar.
“Hope to see you there later,” she said to him. “After you put the little darling to bed, maybe?” She looked at Katie who ignored her. “How about you, Georgie? Want to head to the bar?”
“Oh, I’m going to walk Emily home in a few minutes.”
“Oh, I can walk myself home, George. Thanks for coming with me, but you go have fun.” It was the best dismissal I could give him, and I was worried it might have been a bit too obvious.
“No. We came together, we can leave together,” he responded almost possessively. He was glaring at me as he said these words.
“Well, I…I don’t want to keep you, George. I obviously have my hands tied up at the moment, and I think…I think it might be a little while longer.” I gestured to Katie’s hand still holding mine as Katie continued to lick away at the ice cream.
“I can walk her home,” Jess said, but before he finished, George growled “No.”
“What’s your problem, man?” Jess spoke low, as he looked side to side to see if people noticed the potential altercation.
“Jess,” I warned in the same tone I’d used during our dance. “George, please. I feel really awful, and this is awkward, but I think you should go down to the bar or go back home. I don’t want you to feel you have to wait for me.”
“It’s fine.” He ground his teeth.
“You know what, forget it. Why don’t you both go? I don’t want it to be awkward.” Jess emphasized, pointing at the little hand holding mine. Thank goodness Katie was still watching the street activities, possibly the children playing a giant connect-four game on the opposite side of the walk, but I sensed she was only looking into that direction, not focusing.
“Jess,” I begged again, almost desperate. I didn’t want a scene and especially not in front of Katie. I couldn’t seem to get the hint across to George without saying Go away. I’d also never seen Jess so edgy and ready to fight someone. It was unnerving.
“Listen, how about if I take Katie home to your house, Jess? Then you can go to the bar. And George, I can meet you there. Jess has to go meet Sammie, anyway.” I knew this was a low blow, but I was getting tired of this little game and the tension was wearing me out. Tricia turned away to talk to some other passing friends before all this started, but now she cut into the tense conversation that I had tried to dissolve.
“Look, I’ll take Katie home, and all of you go to the bar,” she said. At this point, the conversation was so silly. Beyond silly, I thought, and I was ready to do what Tricia suggested, when Katie climbed into my lap, hugging me again. She straddled my legs like she had before, but she didn’t wrap her legs around me. She put her arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder, just holding me. It broke my heart that this innocent girl thought we were fighting over her, when it was grown-up stuff that was actually rather childish. I stood and attempted to carry Katie with me, but stepped back and stumbled on the curb that we had been sitting on. Both men went to reach for us, but Jess was the one who caught my back and gently pushed me upright. He continued to hold his hand on my back, a motion that I felt showed possession. Without turning to either man, I announced “I’m taking Katie home. Tricia, can you walk with me a ways?” and I started down the street, leaving George behind.
I could still feel the pressure of Jess’ hand on my back even though it wasn’t physically there anymore. I also felt the weight of his eyes on the back of my head. I shifted Katie who felt like she was growing heavier as we walked to the end of the block and turned right onto Harbor Drive.
“Let me take her,” Jess whispered loudly. Katie jolted like something frightened her and wrapped her arms tighter around my neck again.
“She’s falling asleep,” he whispered again. “She’s getting heavier because she’s relaxing. Don’t drop her.”
“I would never,” I whisper growled.
“I didn’t mean you would.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled.
“Oh, I knew I liked you,” Tricia interjected.
“Shut up.” Jess used the same voice from when he spoke to his brother earlier. Three blocks south and two houses left we reached the Carter family home and I climbed the front stairs with shaky legs and trembling arms. The back of my shirt was sticky from ice cream on Katie’s hands and my shoulder was sticky as well from the smear of ice cream around Katie’s mouth. Jess attempted to take Katie again and as soon as his hands were on her, she grabbed me harder. Up the staircase to the second floor of the Carter’s home, Jess guided me from behind and I stopped to wait for him to pass me, allowing him to lead the way to Katie’s room.
Their home was obviously bigger than Nana’s just from the layout of the second floor. The staircase was along an outside wall, and when I turned left I saw several doors to the right and left of the narrow corridor. Jess opened a door near the end of the short hall, and we walked through a cluttered room with a double bed partially made, a bedside table with a small lamp turned on, and a dresser. A second doorway in the room opened to a smaller room with a twin size bed covered in a pink patchwork quilt, another small night stand with a princess light on, and a small white child’s dresser. The room had a soft glow of pink and Jess pulled the covers down, stepping back to allow me to lay Katie down. Immediately, she rolled toward the wall and I reached down to remove her tennis shoes. I signed pajamas at Jess who shook his head no. He covered Katie with the patchwork quilt and kissed her sticky cheek. It was sweet and intimate, and I felt like I was intruding. When I stepped back to leave the room, Katie shifted and I couldn’t help but glance one more time at the little blond-haired beauty.
I love you, Katie signed, looking at me. Stunned, Jess turned to look at me, concern clearly on his face.
“I love you, too, Katie girl,” I signed and said softly. Jess kissed Katie one more time on the forehead and followed me into the other room.
“Don’t,” he growled immediately in that low tone.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t love her,” he said as he stepped closer.
“Why not?”
“Because you…you don’t need to.”
“Well, maybe I just want to.” He stepped closer again. I was standing just inside the doorway to his room and took a step back at his frightening approach, but bumped into the open door.
“Why? Why would you want to?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think you can plan these things. They just…just happen.” And just like my words, Jess was on me. He had me pressed into the door so hard I could feel the cuts and grooves of the Colonial design against my back. As if he read my mind, he placed his hand on my behind and pushed me forward to press against the middle of him. I couldn’t help the groan that escaped my mouth as I was firmly pressed against him. He was kissing me again like I was his lifeline and he was a drowning man. If he didn’t get enough of me, he wasn’t going to survive. He sucked my bottom lip and when I thought he was going to pull back, he darted his tongue against my lips, opening them. Once his tongue was in my willing mouth, he moaned into me and our tongues danced together. His one hand still held my bottom, palm flat, but pressing me forward. The other was in my hair, on the side of my head, holding me in place against him.
“Well, don’t let me interrupt,” a coughing sound was made as Mrs. Carter stood in the hallway outside the bedroom door. I placed my hands on Jess’ chest to push him away. He stepped back, but still held me by my hipbone.
“Oh, Mrs. Carter, I meant no disrespect. I was…I was…”
“You were just kissing my boy,” she laughed.
“I was just leaving.” I moved to enter the hall, but Jess grabbed the front pocket of my shorts and held me in place, trapped between him and the door.
“Wait. I’ll walk you home.”
“Oh, you don’t have to.” I couldn’t look up at Mrs. Carter.
“Oh, yes, he does,” she replied. “You take your time. I got Katie tonight.”
I was so embarrassed by what Mrs. Carter implied that I blushed several shades of pink. She walked into another bedroom and I fell against the door, tipping my head back to look at the ceiling. Oh. My. God. I thought.
“Don’t sweat it,” he said as he pulled off his gray t-shirt and threw it on the bed. He opened the top drawer and took out another t-shirt. This one was black with a classic rock band written across it. I glanced at his naked chest briefly before looking away, and I knew I was blushing even more.
We walked toward my house, Nana’s house, in awkward, but compatible silence.
“I’m so embarrassed,” I finally blurted out.
“Don’t be.”
“But, I’m not like that. I’ve never been caught like that.”
“You are so innocent, and always so polite. I didn’t mean any disrespect, Mrs. Carter.” Jess said in a mocking female tone. “Well, I meant disrespect, Miss Post,” he joked.
I couldn’t help it; I laughed. What a strange night.
“You were angry with me.”
“Not angry,” he looked down the dark street lit only by two hanging lights, each a block apart. “Just confused. And frustrated. And…” he let his voice fade.
“And what?”
“And…I couldn’t take your silence.” He paused. “I can handle Katie’s. I’ve had years to get used to it. But you…your silence is deafening and maddening. I don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling unless I can see you, and I wasn’t seeing you.”
I remained quiet.
“I couldn’t think of excuses to stop by, and I didn’t want to play the dad card, using Katie for an excuse. Although based on how tonight has gone I didn’t do her any favors by keeping her away, and she doesn’t say anything so I didn’t know how she felt. I didn’t know that she missed you so much. And then you show up with George.”
He growled the last statement as we reached Nana’s house and stood at the base of the front steps. Jess rubbed his hand down his face, and I looked in the direction of the Carpenter’s home. There was only a front light on in the first floor window. I hadn’t even thought of George after I walked away from the curb outside the ice cream shop.
“I’m sorry if I ruined your date,” Jess said quietly.
“Oh, it wasn’t a date. George is a nice man. Awkward at times, but kind.”
Jess didn’t respond and put his hands in his front pockets. The silence was a slow burning ember, and I was going to spontaneously combust from the desire to kiss him like he’d kissed me only a few moments ago in his room.
“And what about you Jess?”
“What about me?”
“You said Katie missed me, but what about you? You slept with me then never came back. You kissed me then left with another woman. You danced with me in public then almost got into a fight.” I didn’t know where the rising temper was coming from because I wasn’t really mad at Jess. Just…frustrated.
“I’ve missed you, too,” his voice low as he looked at me.
“Stay,” I said and I couldn’t believe how breathy the word sounded.
“Um…after that kiss, I don’t know. I don’t know…if…I could stop myself.”
“You could,” I paused. “You have,” I whispered. I waited a heartbeat before I spoke again.
“Sleep with me?” I whispered again, almost begging, but I directed my gaze to the ground. When Jess didn’t answer, I knew I couldn’t look up and take his rejection again. I was already embarrassed enough at being caught by his mother, of all people, giving into his kiss, and now practically begging him to stay when he clearly didn’t want
to. I turned to walk up the steps and he encircled my upper arm with his fingers. I stopped with one foot on the step.
Jess moved his hand to cup my chin and forced my gaze upward.
“Don’t hide from me.”
The night was dark and with no lights on in Nana’s house or on the front porch it was hard to see his eyes or his jawline.
“I want to stay, if you’ll have me. You just have to promise to stop me before I go too far, okay?”
I nodded my head that was still clasped in his hand before I continued up the stairs. I entered the house and locked the door after Jess, then led him up the stairs without saying a word. I went into my room and Jess followed silently. When I turned around to face him, he approached me slowly, like a predator stalking its prey. I was frozen and he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. I noticed again his changed t-shirt.
“Why did you change your shirt?”
“Because, I…well, I…didn’t want you to have to touch me where Sammie tried to touch me.”
“She was pawing at you. I should apologize. Maybe I ruined your date.”
“Don’t do this,” he whispered as he stepped closer. He rubbed his nose behind my ear and let his cheeks graze upon my jaw. “You weren’t touching me back in my room, and I thought the t-shirt was the problem.” I swallowed hard before I answered.
“You kind of took me by surprise. But also, I think I knew if I touched the shirt, I’d probably rip it off of you.”
His mouth was on mine, devouring me again. Kissing. Kissing me hard. Licking my lip, sucking the bottom, and nibbling my mouth. He kissed me lighter and moved to my jaw, then my neck and toward my shoulder.
“You smell like Superman ice cream,” he laughed softly into my neck.
“Katie was a little sticky.”
In one swift move, he had my shirt over my head and thrown on the floor. I physically shivered and he rubbed up my bared arms, around my shoulder blades, and across the top of my back. He wasn’t trying to remove my bra, but he was softly touching every other part of me. I was pressing against him, hoping my body was telling him that he could touch me anywhere.
