by L. B. Dunbar
“I’ll miss you,” Katie whispered.
“Oh, honey, I will miss you too.” I intertwined our fingers and pulled Katie to me. There was a shuffling sound in the other room again and Tricia walked into the living room. I felt the awkwardness coming off Tricia, who glanced over her own shoulder into the other room.
“Well, I hear you’re leaving,” Tricia started wearily. “I told you I plan to visit Chicago before school starts. I finally talked Trent into it. Maybe we can stop and see you?” Tricia hesitated on the last question.
“I’d love that.” I felt like I was being dismissed and knew how to take the hint.
“I guess I better be going. Will you tell your mom I’m really sorry I missed her? I have plans to have dinner with the Carpenters’ later and I leave first thing Wednesday morning.”
“Sure. Anything else? Want me to say anything to anyone else?” Tricia hesitated. Another noise came from the other room and I looked at Tricia, puzzled.
“Is everything okay in there? Is someone else here?”
“No, no. It’s just…the dishwasher.” I was already moving toward the entryway to the dining room, and I heard Tricia suck in a breath behind me, but when I casually looked into the other room it was empty. Okay, I thought skeptically. I walked to the front door, hugged Katie one more time and signed I love you. I hugged Tricia as well and thanked her for letting me see Katie one last time.
I BUSIED MYSELF with painting the dining room the rest of the day. I was too drained after my encounter with Jess the night before to finish my frenzy of packing, and went to bed, lights left on, wearing dirty clothes and all. I finished packing in the early morning hours when the text came through from Rosie about the baby, and I returned the call to congratulate my sister before the rental meeting this morning. Rosie was leaving me in charge of everything and in some ways it was just easier to do it all alone. There was that word again – alone. When I finished painting, I pulled off the dust covers and threw them in the laundry, took a shower, and lay down for a nap. I awoke at 5:30 and quickly changed for dinner with the Carpenters.
I felt guilty about how I treated George and I was worried that even though the Carpenters asked me to join them for dinner, the evening would be awkward if the conversation centered on him. Sue continued to be the friend she had turned into and welcomed me with open arms. She acted as if nothing happened between George and I, and maybe, I thought, she had no idea that anything did, or rather, didn’t, happen. I breathed a sigh of relief and enjoyed the dinner.
We ate outside in the cool evening air, and Sue finally brought the conversation around to the Carters.
“I heard what happened with that little darling. You were a blessing to that child.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“You know sometimes things happen for a reason. People come into our lives for an unknown purpose. Sometimes those people stay around, and sometimes they go.” Here Sue leveled a look at me. “But whatever the reason is, it’s a kind of destiny, and we can’t deny it.” Sue was still looking intensely at me. I sipped my drink slowly before responding.
“What if we don’t know what that destiny is?”
“We can never know what our destiny will bring us. When you knew you had to come see your nana, did you ever think it was because she was going to die? When you met that little girl, did you ever think you would be the one to think of sign language and then be the one to teach it to her? When you met her father, did you think you would fall in love with him?”
I gasped, “Sue!”
“You can’t deny destiny, Emily. That’s what destiny is. It’s fate. You can’t change it, but what you can change is what you do next. It’s like a road not taken. Which path will you take?”
She paused for her words to sink in.
“Look, I’m no advice columnist or psychiatrist, I just believe that everything happens for a reason. I know you’re leaving, and that has a reason as well, but you need to make sure you are leaving for the right reason.”
“And what is that?” I tried not to sound angry, almost demanding an answer.
“Only you know what the reason is, honey.”
Well, that wasn’t helpful, I thought.
You never know what may happen during the night. Never go to sleep having said words you might regret. Agree to disagree for the moment, or better yet, make up with your significant other.
“Matters of Manners,”1969
I HAD TROUBLE sleeping on Monday night, and I woke grumpy. If ever there was an appropriate seven-dwarf name that I appreciated, that was the one. I had rarely gone into Nana’s room after her death, and I needed to double-check the master bedroom. I had already removed all the clothing from the dresser and the closet. I’d placed the keepsake sweaters and her wedding dress in the closet with the old fairy tale books. I had taken the one picture on the dresser to my own room, which would go with me to my apartment along with the other pictures. Nana’s jewelry was being taken to my home as well until Rosie and I could discuss it better. The room looked bare despite the new bedspread I’d purchased because I couldn’t bear the thought of strangers using Nana’s quilts. I cleaned, folded, and sealed them in special wrap before storing them in the closet with the other sentimental items. I sat on the edge of the bed thinking about my grandparents.
My grandmother loved my grandfather to the point that her most important memory froze her mind in the time when they were dating and eventually married. I recalled the night that my grandmother tried to “escape” through the window to see her beloved. She was willing to do whatever it took to be with John, whether her parents approved or not. It would have been a leap of faith, in more ways than one. Nana left this town with my grandfather for years, only to return often as his wife. This was their home. The one I remembered them in before and after they lived in my house when my mother died. Saying goodbye to a house seemed silly, and I knew I had to let it go. I closed the door as I left Nana’s room.
I decided to walk to the beach to say goodbye to the water as well. Another silly tradition, but one my grandparents would make Rosie and I do at the end of each summer visit. I remembered as I walked the street through town how much I had hated Michigan as a child. Although coming to the lake was fun, and visiting with my grandparents was bearable, it was the rest of the year that I found disagreeable for some reason. As an adult, I was seeing Michigan in a new light. The beauty of the lake. The quiet calm of a small town. The pride of a community. A single father and his adorable daughter. It was going to be harder to say goodbye than I thought.
I was sitting in the screened-in porch with a single light on next to me, and I sipped a glass of wine, staring into space. It was almost midnight when I heard a light knock on the screen door. I couldn’t make out exactly who the person was in the darkness, but based on the height and the late hour, I had a good guess.
“Jess?”
“Yeah.”
I unlatched the door to let Jess inside. He looked like a runway model for casual clothes as he stood in his cargo shorts and dark t-shirt. His hair was pulled back as always, but without the bandana. I waited. I wasn’t sure I would see him again and I thought after the other night’s sad kiss, all goodbyes were said.
“I know we sort of already said goodbye, and I hope you don’t mind, but I just needed to see you again.”
“Needed?” I tried to smile in hopes to lighten the slight tension.
“Wanted. I wanted to see you again.” He paused, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and holding it there. “Actually, I wanted to see you…badly.” His blue eyes were changing to that bright denim color. I smiled slowly for real this time.
“Why?”
“I know I’ve held you off. It was to protect Katie. To protect myself. And I said things and did things that contradicted each other, only because I didn’t know what else to do. I told you once to get out of my head, and you just never did. And I realize now that if I don’t…if I don’t ask, I’ll never kno
w what it was like, and I think…I think I would miss out on something now that I could hold onto forever.”
I squeezed my eyebrows, creasing my forehead, and I wasn’t sure I understood what he was asking me.
“I know…I know you’re leaving tomorrow. And I can’t really do a goodbye as you drive away. So I was wondering…hoping… maybe for one more…”
I cut him off as I leapt for him. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his neck as he caught me at the waist before surrounding me with his strong arms. We stood like this for several moments before I risked kissing his neck. I moved to his face, planting small kisses across his clenched jaw. Jess turned into me before I reached his mouth, and covered mine with his. There was no hesitation. Our mouths were open, exploring as tongues searched, teeth nibbled, and lips sucked on one another. Jess was carrying me into the kitchen and I was wrapped around his waist with my legs. He placed his hands under my thighs and hiked me up to meet his middle, before he slipped his hands to my bottom, inside my shorts.
“If you want to stop me, now is the time, Emily. You know I am perfectly happy to sleep, only sleep, with you. But tonight…tonight, I want to be with you.” His words were sweet, but his voice was dangerously seductive. There was no way I was stopping him.
I continued to softly kiss his neck and jaw as he carried me up the stairs to my room. He laid me on the bed and reached behind his head to remove his t-shirt with one hand. He pulled me upright and removed my shirt as well. He crawled over me, and our legs tangled together as he lay to the side of me. He traced a finger around my bra, outlining my breasts, before removing one strap at a time. He bit one shoulder and then the other. I knew he was taking his time, memorizing my body, and I slowly smoothed my palms over his abs and up his chest to his shoulders then down his back in memorization as well. He removed my bra with one pinched motion, another thing only guys can do, and kissed each breast. I thought I would scream with anticipation as he took his time to nibble and suck each one.
Jess moved his mouth down my stomach, kissing a line above my short’s low-cut waist. I sighed and ran my hands over his hair.
“Last chance to stop?”
“No chance,” I responded breathily.
He removed my shorts and panties in one smooth move, scooting off the bed to stand as he did so. My legs separated as if they had a will of their own, inviting him to come closer.
“You are so beautiful,” he growled. He caressed my ankles, sliding his hands to the back of my knees to bend my legs upward. He smoothed his palms down my thighs and rested on my hipbones before reversing the sensual massage. He began again, but pushed me gently up the bed to allow him to crawl between my legs. Instead of rounding to my waist this time, he held my upper thigh with one hand and slid one finger against my center. I moaned loudly and turned my head to the side, closing my eyes.
“Don’t hide from me.” He stopped touching me.
Immediately, I turned my head to look back at him, and he resumed sliding his finger up and down. I was slick and a pressure was building. He was watching his own motion between my legs.
“When Katie wasn’t speaking, and looked away, I didn’t know how she felt,” he whispered. “I learned to read people through their expressions. I need to see your eyes to know how you feel. Inside.”
“Can’t you tell?” I rasped softly.
“I mean, feel. In here.” Jess stopped his sensual caress to touch my chest over my heart then trailed his fingers between my breasts and down my waist to slide inside me. I moaned again.
“What I feel for you is…overwhelming,” I whispered.
“Overwhelming?” Jess smirked. He slid his finger in and out several times before adding another. I whimpered with need and Jess stopped.
“Explain overwhelming.” He resumed his motion.
“Amazing. Confusing. Frustrating. Incredible.” I needed to stop talking. The pressure was intense and I was going to fall hard when it happened. I clenched against his fingers, and he moved his thumb around the sensitive spot at my core. The combination was mind-blowing, and I couldn’t look at him anymore. It was too…overwhelming. I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back, and released as Jess shoved his fingers inside me hard. I moaned again at the sensation that shook my whole body, freeing me. He kept up the rhythm until he sensed me coming down from the high.
He leaned back again and removed his own shorts. He had nothing on underneath and I stared at his deliciously naked body. He rolled a condom down his length, and I thought I might explode again just watching him touch himself. He knelt over me and kissed me hard as I felt the tip of him at my sensitive center. One arm propped him up and the other hand was on my hip. I spread my legs wider, tempting myself with the feel of him against me.
“Emily…” he began, but I leaned up and kissed him, biting his bottom lip and holding on as I pulled back.
“Now,” I demanded, and Jess entered me in one swift motion. He caught me by surprise and I let out a combination gasp and groan.
“Are you okay?” he whispered, and stopped with concern.
“I’m fine. Just…it’s been a while.”
Jess withdrew slightly and slowly pushed forward again. This time I moaned with pleasure. My eyes rolled back for a moment and I felt him everywhere.
“Again,” I whispered and Jess repeated the motion. I closed my eyes and turned my head. Jess stilled and I knew to meet his eyes.
“Say it.”
“Again?” He made the torturous slow motion a second time.
“Again. Again. Again,” I begged, and Jess picked up the pace. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he lifted one of my thighs, pushing it higher to open me up.
“Emily…this won’t be long. I’ve been wanting you too much, and holding off too long.” He was panting as his pace quickened.
“I’ve wanted you too. Needed you. Oh, God, don’t stop.” Jess exploded with one fierce push into me and his release pulsed inside me, unleashing a second explosion from me as I clenched around him.
JESS AND I dozed across the bed, wrapped around each other. Legs in between legs, an arm draped over my middle, and my fingers caressed his back as he lay next to me on his stomach. A slow exploration began a second round of discovery.
“If I’m only going to have you for now, I don’t want to waste any time,” Jess proclaimed as he kissed every inch of my skin.
I knew the night would end sooner than I wanted, and the lightening of the sky told me morning was coming. I didn’t think Jess was awake as I looked out the window next to the bed at the brightening morning.
“I have to go, but I don’t want to.”
I rolled my head to look at him as he stared at me. I understood better the reason for his intense glares and it made me love him all the more.
“Moreover, I don’t want you to go, but I know you have to,” he added.
I didn’t know how to respond.
“Jess, I…” but he stopped me with a soft kiss.
“Don’t.”
“You don’t even know what I am going to say,” I scolded as I slightly scowled at him.
“For once, I’m afraid of words, Emily. Go back to sleep for a little longer. You have a long drive later.” He rotated his body and pulled me closer as he lay on his back and positioned my leg over his. He had his arm under me and gently nudged my head to rest on his chest. He placed my hand on his abs, and I recognized the position from the night of Nana’s funeral. A night when I knew I didn’t just want him, I needed him. Now the lines between want and need were blurred. Now. There was his word. I only had him for now, one night, and that now was over.
I woke with a jolt. I had been dreaming of a little girl in a white summer dress and daisies in her hair, running away from me. The girl was giggling with joy, but I could never catch up to her. I stared at the ceiling to regain my bearings and I knew I was alone in the bed. For a moment I thought I dreamt the whole night, but then I saw the daisy on the pillow next to me. There was no
note this time. No official goodbye words spoken. Our bodies had done all the talking.
Always keep your mouth closed when chewing. Chew
slowly and several times in order to digest food properly. Food should be cut into manageable pieces. Never bite off more than you can chew.
“Matters of Manners,” 1954
IT WAS FRIDAY morning and I felt like I was suffering a new disease called culture shock. I attended the conference Thursday morning and made it through the day by having to retell the story of Nana what felt like four million times. People were sympathetic and polite, offering gentle pats on the arm or shoulder, but I was ready to explode if one more person touched me. When I returned to work on Friday, I was surprised at how different wearing my professional work clothes suddenly felt. On Thursday, it was for one day. On Friday, it seemed like a lifetime ago that I had been wearing shorts and flip-flops every day. Back in my high heels, a pencil cut skirt, and crisp white blouse with pearls, I felt like an imposter to myself. This was my normal attire. This was my lifestyle. This was constricting.
I kept telling myself the newness of returning home would change. I would begin to feel like my old self. Just give it time. But after a run along the waterfront, I stopped to look out across Lake Michigan from the Chicago side knowing that on the other side of this lake, he could be standing on the beach looking toward me. Of course, I knew that would be ridiculous. I went to a club on Saturday to “celebrate” my return, but a dance club isn’t an intimate radio shop, a crowded street fair, or a beer tent, and I left early. After a Sunday of shopping and laundry, I did start to feel like I had before – alone. I called my sister.
