by K. L Randis
“Who the fu—”
Phil held up a finger and motioned for Jared to sit down. “Humor me a second. Really consider this. If you could go back to that night would you have used?”
“This is bullshit,” Jared said heading for the door.
“You wouldn’t have changed a thing?” Phil challenged, his voice undisturbed by Jared’s attempt to flee. “You wouldn’t have put the syringe down and walked away?”
“Of course I would have!”
“So why not walk away to begin with?”
“Because I…” Jared stammered. He hated this scumbag already and it was only a few days in. “I just…because. Because I just—”
“You couldn’t. You couldn’t make that choice knowing that everything had always been—as you put it—flawless,” Phil answered.
The quivering of Jared’s lower jaw settled only mildly. The choices of that night relentlessly replayed in his head countless times since he was locked up.
There wasn’t one excuse or rationality he could come up with that would get rid of the nightmares that woke him in the middle of the night. Lacey’s porcelain complexion, riddled with jagged purple splotches like some Picasso painting gone terribly wrong, was the only memory he had left. He had to face his mom’s sobbing in the courtroom while his dad, in a temporary lapse of judgment, coasted over the barricade where Jared stood with his lawyer, outstretched hands aiming for his throat. Lacey wasn’t the only one who died that night. He had killed his entire family. There was nothing left.
Jared shuffled back to the seat across from Phil and sat down. There was a deserved silence as Jared studied an inspirational poster taped to the wall. He counted the red and white stripes that decorated the background, the forefront showing a college-age woman smiling next to a quote of how remarkable her recovery was because of Renewals. “So now what?” Jared asked.
Phil’s lips formed into the genuine warm smile Jared would come to welcome. “Now you know,” he said, “now that you know your drug use was not flawless, that it has consequences, you can choose. For yourself and for Lacey, you can choose to give this program all you’ve got and make the choice to remember what was stolen from you when you have the urge to use.”
Jared nodded. “And what if that’s not strong enough to stop me?”
Phil locked his hands together behind his head. There were too many patients like Jared that had passed through his care before. Most of them had a superman complex that was impossible to break. Jared’s file revealed nothing atypical for someone his age and in his situation: Parents sent him to rehab previously, they enabled his behaviors with spending money and a place to live, he was never pushed to find a real job or have any household responsibilities. One thing that caught his attention was the seemingly unbreakable bond Jared had with Lacey. It would be his only hope and motivator. “I think we can both agree that it’s more than strong enough,” Phil said.
* * *
“Thanks for sharing, Ben,” Phil was saying, pushing Jared back into the present. He turned to Jared, locking eyes with him only fleetingly, “And Jared? What would you like to share?”
Jared didn’t feel he owed it to anyone to know the personal aspects of his life; Phil knowing was enough. The itch to use was a bad memory, floating somewhere between his seventh and tenth month at Renewals it had all but disappeared. It would creep into his mind depending on the group discussions or on rare nights when he would have nightmares, but the familiar burning to have a fix was absent.
For the most part.
“Yeah,” Jared said, “I killed my sister because I was high. She was three.”
Phil surveyed the surprised looks around the circle; Jared didn’t normally share that often with the group.
Jared continued, “And if any of you scumbags want a chance in hell to wise up and change yourself you’ll listen to this guy.” He pointed at Phil. “He has a way of explaining things. And he knows what he’s talking about. For real.”
Jared stood up. His 5’11 frame looked healthier to Phil than when he was first admitted. The scar of his past still reflected in his eyes if you knew what to look for but he had higher hopes for him than most of his graduates.
“Can I be excused Phil? Need to get my things.”
Phil nodded.
Jared sauntered toward the exit, pausing briefly in the threshold to look over his shoulder and nod in Chris’ direction. “Oh and uh, don’t do drugs, okay?”
“That’s all I’m sayin’ man,” Chris said, putting his hands up and laughing with the rest of the group.
The double doors were weightless as Jared pushed through them. There were a lot of complicated variables to consider about where he would go after his release. As much as Phil warned him not to go back to his hometown, the truth was he had some loose ends to tie up before he left for good.
He reached into the pocket of his blue jeans as Tina’s Cavalier rounded the corner of the building. She had a comical smile spread across her face as she spotted him, offset only by the brilliance of her red lipstick. Pea-sized diamonds dangled from her ears and he watched her purposely lower her V-neck shirt, revealing the edges of a black-laced bra with red trimming. The bangs she had carelessly cut herself framed her smokey eyes, a smidgen of blush feverishly dousing her cheekbones. She pointed a manicured finger at him as she pulled up to the curb, curling it towards her body, beckoning him.
Jared tried to focus. The one and only letter his mom had written a week ago crackled under his grip, its message hounding as he forced a smile at the stopped car in front of him. Here I come, Brodheadsville, ready or not.
CHAPTER FOUR
“You need a pit stop?” Tina asked, pushing the Ray-Bans closer to her face and signaled into the right lane.
“Nah I’m all right, unless you’re hungry?”
They were about an hour from home and the fluttering of eggs with salsa from that morning was enough to keep his hunger at bay. Tina’s apartment would be a mellow reprieve and he anticipated her giving him crap about wanting to borrow her car and running some solo errands so soon after him being home, but he hoped a promise of dinner and a movie would keep her satisfied.
“Hungry for you, duh,” Tina teased. “Do you know how hard this has been for me? Waiting all this time for them to let you out. It sucks they had to keep you there longer because of law changes. What the hell is up with that?”
“Couldn’t tell you,” Jared replied, “I guess they just wanted to keep me longer so they’d get paid longer from the state, who knows.”
The bill for the extra three months was nestled between his running sneakers and fleece throw somewhere in his suitcase. A debt to the tune of $90,000 was not what Jared had prepared himself for but regardless it was what he had needed. The process of finding a job, getting out of town and breaking up with Tina all within the first week of his release was a ticking time bomb. First he had to—
“Jared? Are you listening?” Tina said, her voice cutting through.
“Uh, yeah, sorry. I mean no, what’s up?”
“Didn’t think so,” she said. Tina balanced her coach purse between her legs, balancing the wheel with her left pinky finger and her left kneecap. She muddled through a stack of past due bills and makeup compacts before pulling out a box of Newports. A rhinestone bejeweled lighter ignited the cancer stick and her cheeks deflated as sucked in the first rush of nicotine. Jared was staring.
“Want?” Tina asked, pushing the smoldering treat his way.
“No.”
“No? You just got out. I thought—”
“I said no.”
“Okay cranky pants,” she said, still digging into the depths of her purse, “I was going to wait until we got home but clearly you need this now. Surprise!”
Jared threw the delicately embellished baggie of pills out of the window before Tina could even react. He watched it dissolve into the tall grass in the rearview.
“What the hell Jared! Do you know how much I spent on that?
I didn’t pay my car payment this month just to get those.”
“I just got out of rehab THREE hours ago. Three hours Tina, really?” He adjusted his seat into a more upright position as she took the Snydersville exit toward Brodheadsville. The scenery was more familiar at this point and he wanted to take it all in. It was probably the last time he would pass through the desolate town and he wanted a mental picture of all the places he had brought Lacey. “Let me make myself clear Tina, I want nothing to do with that part of my life. Don’t ever put that shit in my face again.”
“Christ, okay, I’m sorry. It’s too soon I get it, I was just trying to get you to chill a little.”
“I’m fine,” Jared replied.
He had a touch-and-go relationship with Tina. Fueled more by lust than love, they found themselves in a comfortable situation that neither one of them wanted to embellish on or leave. He had overheard Tina describing the relationship to a friend one night, after she had come home high, as ‘more than booty call status, but less than friends with benefits.’ He should have been offended, but at least he knew then that they were on the same page with their intentions. Words like engagement or kids were only thrown around when they were drunk or around friends who always seemed to be moving their lives to the next level. They found their ideal circadian rhythm sometime within the first two years, remaining stagnant in the years following.
Tina was silent as they merged onto Route 209 and passed the Chestnut Farms Diner on the outskirts of town. The shambled ruins of the pet store that had burned down four years earlier served as a perpetual reminder that some things never change.
Jared had taken Lacey out for spontaneous treats like picking one of the only five fast food places to eat at. Swirley’s Ice Cream had their seasonal ‘We Are Now Open!’ sign propped against the telephone pole near the road. Nearing the parking lot of Pleasant Hill High School, Jared noticed the local kids with parking passes for the school year still established a dedicated band of Ford and Chevy trucks parked along the gate parallel to the main road. Nicknamed Redneck Row, it was an undying tradition passed on from one graduating class to the next. The very center of town had four low lying muscle cars lurking in the armpit of the Gas’N’Go, a hot spot for drug deals and lost virginity. Sweet Brodheadsville.
“You need help bringing in your bags?” Tina asked, pulling into her driveway.
“Sure,” Jared said.
They lugged his two suitcases up the crumbling flight of stairs and lingered in the foyer as Tina tried to find the light switch. “You’d think I’d know which one of these turns the damn lights on at this point,” she complained, “want help unpacking your stuff?”
It was too soon to tell her. “Nah, that’s all right, why don’t we eat first, catch up?”
She smiled. “Sounds good, sandwich okay?”
Jared nodded. He hated the idea of lying to Tina so soon but he needed her car and some time to himself to get things done. A few stops in town to gather some money he didn’t tell her about, drop off whatever remaining product was left in his holding container to a buddy, pick up his car, and-
“I swear you lost your hearing while you were in there,” Tina said, tapping her foot and pushing the plastic dish under his nose. “It’s turkey, since you didn’t answer me on what you wanted.”
“Got a lot on my mind.” It was the truth.
“Yeah well it’s about to get a lot heavier. I need to talk to you about what’s been going on around here.”
Jared watched her sink into the futon across from him, pulling her legs into a cross-legged position and whisking a piece of blonde hair from her face. She chewed on her sandwich, green eyes flashing at him as she tugged on her tank top, purposely leaning slightly forward. The designer bra he’d gotten her whistled at him. It had been so long.
“Hmm, what about?”
“Craig. The Room Store. Everything.” She finished the last of her sandwich and pushed her plate away, grabbing her bottle of Evian.
“Craig?” Jared asked.
“Yeah, all is not well in the world of pills anymore. Not since he showed up.”
“Who is he?”
“Some big wig from upper Scranton. He charged in here like a bull in heat once you got locked up and it was confirmed you were going to be gone a while. He had strong pushers, your crew never saw anything like it. It was almost like they were expecting an opening.”
“Pushing pills?”
“Heroin.”
“Heroin?” Jared asked, confused.
“Yeah I didn’t want to worry you while you were away so I never wanted to bring it up.” Tina led Jared to the sofa, wrapping her arms around his and nestling into his shoulder.
“Is it really that bad? What’s the bottom line at the weeks end?”
“Eight hundred.”
“Eight hundred dollars?” Jared pushed on Tina’s shoulder, scanning her eyes to see if she was lying, “My runners and pushers are pulling in only eight hundred dollars a week total?
“You’re not in Kansas anymore, sweetheart,” Tina said, reaching for her lighter, “It’s a fucking crapshoot. No one wants our product anymore if Craig can offer twice the high at half the price. Not to mention him drafting more than half of your guys to his side. They weren’t making anything hun, it’s rough.”
Jared shook his head in disbelief. He knew the market was gravitating towards heroin just before he was put away, he would never tell Tina that he had the same intentions of switching teams before everything happened, but to have an entire county gridlocked in powder in just under a year was impressive. No one even thought to ask Jared what he had been high on when his sister died; it was assumed it was some cocktail of pills gone wrong.
“Not to mention our usual drops at The Room Store all but stopped when the landlord of the building decided to install a new security system,” she continued, “I can only loop surveillance so many times a day now without raising suspicion.”
Tina was the manager at a furniture outlet in nearby Tannersville. It was convenient for Jared to set up drops for his runners; he would stash the product in a drawer or under a specific mattress for them to pick up at a later time. Tina acted as liaison, pointing to a specific piece of furniture and using the phrase ‘It suits you, you should think about it’ to indicate where it was. No security cameras, small staff—often only Tina was on the schedule—and low volume of customers had made it the perfect spot. Not anymore.
“There have been a lot of break-in’s, deaths,” Tina said, “people are crazy out there. It’s like they get too high and don’t know how to handle themselves. The economy sucks as it is in this area, throw in the fact that heroin is way more addicting and you have people doing stupid shit just to chase a high. Just the other day Benny walked into a damn Wal-Mart and grabbed the revolving jewelry kiosks they have sitting on the counters and walked out. Just walked out with it. What the hell was he thinking?”
“He wasn’t, obviously.”
“Yeah, obviously, but now he’s got a girlfriend and a son sitting at home cursing him for being locked up for the next three years.”
“You had two of your own overdose too, Jared. Mikey and Trey…they were always so careful.” Her voice softened as she soaked in the hurt radiating from Jared’s face. “I’m sorry hun, it’s a different beast.”
Jared remembered recruiting Mikey and Trey. They were both only two years younger than him and they had a lot of promise to be lead runners at some point.
Everyone started out as a pusher, even Jared. You hit the streets hard and tirelessly to get as much product into the hands of users as possible, building a base of repeat customers. If you hit three months of being the lead pusher, you get promoted to runner. Safer since you’re not meeting with the bottom dwellers, more of a cut in profit but way more risk. Carting a trunk full of pills had its risks. It was all a moot point when you were fanning through a stack of hundred dollar bills by the days end.
He wondered what kind of profit
margin Craig was pulling on a weekly basis. If he had half the customer base Jared had established and as much business sense, Jared guessed it could easily be around fifteen thousand every week.
“So when you said you were done with that life,” Tina started, “did you mean done-done? You want a real job or something?”
“Yeah, something.” Jared finished the last of his ginger ale and slid the can across the coffee table.
“Oh,” Tina said.
“Pills are becoming obsolete so what’s the point? It’ll be pushed out completely in a few months I’m sure and it’s not worth setting up a whole new system. It’s over.”
“What about the money? Most of your money was spent on lawyers, I thought we would at least try, I mean I was banking on this. I waited a long time—”
It’s always about the money, Jared thought. There were the nicer cars, sunglasses and purses. She needed to update her wardrobe at least once a month, pay for the gym membership she never used and be able to get her girlfriend’s drinks when they were out at one of the local bars since none of them had jobs.
Jared laughed catching Tina off guard. “Ohhh you waited a long time huh? Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry my incarceration was an inconvenience to your lavish lifestyle there precious.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“That’s how it sounded. I need your car,” Jared said standing up, changing topics. “I’ll be back in a few hours, have a few loose ends I need to tie up.”
“Right now? You just got home.”
“Never a better time,” he said. He grabbed Tina by the waist as she passed him to get through to the kitchen, feverishly kissing her on the lips. He let his hands wander over her belt buckle and pulled away just as she moaned into his mouth. “We can get some dinner then, okay?”
“Mmm… sure, okay. Take it easy on her,” she said, handing him the keys, “she’s been acting up lately. Should I start some laundry?” She eyed his suitcases.
“Don’t worry about it,” he said, smiling at her, “I’ll take care of it tomorrow.” What he meant was that they’d be sitting in his trunk, untouched from the trip home, as he drove away in search for a new life. Everything from his old life was a burned bridge, threatening to collapse on top of him if he stayed and drowning him in the waters of addiction below.
