"You're not angry?" Chapter
THREE
J
ane said, "No, I'm not angry. Before I asked you about the ring, I gave a lot of thought to a wedding. Here is how it's going to go. First, it happens when my parents can be there. They're in Denmark right now. Dad's translating for some Americans who want a contract to do something about drainage in Denmark.
"Second, when my parents come, we'll have the real
wedding in front of a judge with just family. Shelley, as my
matron of honor, my kids, I probably have to invite my
mother-in-law, Thelma, and whoever you want as best man.
"Third, Mel, there are things your mother cannot do.
That Christmas she spent here she asked me what the
green and white leaves I had in a bowl were called. I told
her they were ivy. She said she had some sort of the same
thing on a tree in her yard, but it was bigger, darker, and never got red berries. I had to explain that they didn't get berries. Those were red beads I'd glued on. She wouldn't know a lily from a rose. So that's why I'm going to make the choice of flowers for my bouquet, and the flowers on the dining tables. I'll write all this down so you can tell her about it. And I'll also pay for the flowers and mail her a copy of the rules for her fake wedding. So she can't choose the flowers for the wedding she wants to do. And she can't suggest what I wear."
Mel, looking poleaxed, said, "Could your uncle Jim be my best man? I've always admired him."
"Good. That's who I would have suggested. He thinks the world of both of us.
"So that's settled." She didn't want to get distracted from her main theme. "There is a fourth set of rules. Your mother can foot the bill for the second wedding. She can choose the food. She can choose the wine and invite mobs of her professional friends. She can't add bridesmaids who are the wives, girlfriends, or daughters of her rich clients. Same for groomsmen. She doesn't choose the hotel or church where the wedding will be held."
"She's not going to like this, Janey."
"`Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn,' to quote Rhett Butler. It's our fake wedding. And the bride and her parents make the decisions. I know they would agree with me since your mother has demanded to run the whole thing. You have to stand up to your mother on this or there's only the one wedding at the judge's chambers."
Mel put his hands over his ears, and suddenly started laughing. "Whatever you say. I wish you could be around when I tell her this. But you can't be. Because she's going to be very nasty about it. Will you do me a favor in return?"
"Probably. What is it?"
"Wear that gorgeous emerald-colored suit Shelley made you buy. You look beautiful in that. And I want your uncle Jim to be best man for both weddings."
"That's doable. You really are my heart's desire." She started to tear up and Mel put his arms around her and kissed her forehead.
Jane's father couldn't get out of his translating duties for the Danes until the end of July, but her mother could come. Jane found this unacceptable. She didn't care when the wedding took place and Mel didn't either. So they'd wait till both of her parents could be there.
In the meantime, Jane started making lists. What closets would need to be purged? At least two.
How many more towels would she need when she was married. "Go for it," she said out loud. "Buy all new ones. Blue for him. Pink for me."
Another thing was getting the other half of the garage cleaned out. She'd gone to look it over and there wasn't a thing in the other half that was worth more than a couple of bucks. Old tablecloths that had mildewed, the lawn mower, a leaf blower, a snow blower, even a lot of the kids'
old, dirty, disintegrating toys. If Todd wanted that half a million LEGOs, he'd have to find a different place to store them or give them away to somebody younger.
Meanwhile, she'd go pick out an attractive shed to put at the side of the house to keep all those tools in. She'd go to Sears and make them bring one out and put it together. Then she'd hire some local teenage boys from the neighborhood to move everything into it. In fact, Shelley's son, John, would probably be glad to do it for the right amount of money. She'd ask Shelley about it.
And what about that beat-up desk and disgraceful butt-sprung chair Mel loved to use when he was working at home? Where would that go?
Todd's room? He'd moved his desk and bed into Mike's bedroom. Mike might want it back someday.
What about extending the house at the back behind the dining room? She could afford it. Thanks to her dead ex-husband's will, she had a perpetual third interest in the Jeffry family pharmacy because she'd contributed a substantial sum she'd inherited from a great-grandmother when the single Jeffry Pharmacy was about to file for bankruptcy.
They'd expanded all around Chicago over the years
and she'd been able to pay for the kids' colleges as the
Jeffrys' business spread. Now there were two more nearly
ready to open in a pricey neighborhood in St. Louis and
another in Indianapolis. She could afford to make Mel his
own office. What a good wedding present that would be!
It couldn't be a surprise, however. He'd want to be
involved. And he could figure where the windows would be, where to put his files, the desk and chair, and the old cowboy lamp he'd had as a boy.
Jane went to Shelley's house as soon as Mel left. She explained about the rules she'd made for Addie's wedding after the real wedding with just her own family and Shelley's.
Shelley said, "I'm so proud of you! You'd thought this all out and were ready. But where does Addie get her money? When she stayed here that Christmas, she was talking to someone about hauling around celebrities. That can't be all that profitable."
"She only did that for two years," Jane explained. "Then she studied to be a Realtor. And stole all the richest people from everyone else. But there's a payoff."
"What payoff?"
Jane told her that Mel had already insisted that the two of them needed to attend four classes in Women's Safety.
"Why? We're careful already. We don't go out cruising bars in the evenings."
Jane explained Mel's reasoning, and Shelley admitted he might have a good point. And it might even be interesting.
While Jane was planning all she had to do before the wedding, she and Shelley went to take their first class in Women's Safety. On the way, Jane said, "I e-mailed my
dad that I was going to marry Mel and wanted them here. He e-mailed back, `Please tell me you're not pregnant.' He has a good sense of humor — he thinks."
The class was held on the ground floor of one of the buildings in a group of middle-class apartment buildings with what appeared to be a little-used community center in the middle of them. There were grocery stores, florists, and drugstores on the ground floors of a lot of them.
Most of the class had already assembled. There were only seven of them at the meeting. The leader called them to attention. She was something of a surprise. She looked to be around fifty years of age, but Mel had referred to her as an old lady.
Jane whispered this fact to Shelley. "We're getting closer to being fifty ourselves."
"Never say that again," Shelley snapped. "She must be older than we think. Lots of plastic surgery until you look at the turkey skin on her throat."
The woman called the class to order. "I'm Miss Elinor Brooker Welbourne. And never call me Ms. Let's get your first names sorted out."
Everyone obeyed in turn. Except the youngest, a girl of about twenty who was dressed in a long-sleeved blouse and jeans in spite of it being a hot afternoon. She said she was Sara Tokay.
"All right. Show me your purses before we begin."
An odd request, Jane thought, but they all obediently complied.
"Jane has the best. But you kept it under your chair. Don't ever do that again."
"Why?" Jane asked boldly.
"Because it's dangerous. Anybody beh
ind you could have hooked it with their foot and gone through it."
This remark resulted in some outraged muttering from two of the other women. "As if we'd steal someone's purse!" one said.
Miss Welbourne ignored this. "Purses are important. Jane's has a long strap. But she should wear it crossed over her opposite shoulder and in front of her. Purse snatchers would be glad to take any of the other purses the rest of you brought with you."
She went on, "I have the names of two cobblers in Chicago who could install a flexible steel wire in the strap, so purse snatchers couldn't cut through it with a sharp knife or box cutter. I'll give you their names and addresses at the end of this session."
"That's interesting," Shelley whispered to Jane.
Miss Welbourne went on to explain about pickpockets. She said, "Always buy trousers, skirts, and jackets with pockets, preferably with button closures, and put your cash and one credit card in one front pocket. Leave the other credit cards behind in a safe place at home. Also put your driver's license in your other front pocket. And never put a house key in your handbag or billfold. If you have a driver's license in your purse, it gives them your home address and the key to your front door." She suggested
as well that women who operated on largely a cash basis, only take along with them to the grocery store or a shop what they could afford to lose.
"Leave the rest of your cash at home, well hidden. It would be a good idea to purchase a small, fireproof, waterproof safe and keep it somewhere it's unlikely to be found easily."
Jane was sitting next to Shelley with Sara Tokay on her other side. Sara pushed her sleeve back to look at her wristwatch.
"This is enough for you to absorb in this first meeting. We'll get together and go over some other matters on Thursday morning."
Jane was doing as she'd been told, holding her purse in front of her passing the strap over one shoulder and under and in front of the other arm.
"That was good advice," she said as she hauled herself up into Shelley's minivan. "Did you see that young girl's arm when she looked at her wristwatch?"
"I didn't notice she did that. Why do you ask?" Shelley said, shoving the car into drive and shooting out of the parking lot at a furious rate. Jane, as always, had her foot firmly on the nonexistent brake pedal on the passenger side.
"Because the girl had a terrible bruise on her arm."
"That's a bit alarming. But maybe she was careless and got it herself," Shelley said, taking a sharp right turn that felt as if she'd done it on only the right wheels.
"Maybe. Or maybe not,"Jane said.Chapter
FOUR
T
he next day, Jane called Shelley to borrow Shelley's son, John. "Sure. What for?"
"I need to get all the stuff in the other half of my garage either thrown away or put into a shed at the side of the house. I want John and Todd to go with me to Home Depot and Sears to pick one out."
"May I come along?" Shelley asked. "I fancy I'd be good at picking out a shed that looked nice."
"Sure. The more the merrier. I want whoever will put
it together for free."
When they were ready to go, and told the boys about the project, both of them said, "Putting a shed together is
easy. We can do it for you. Also pick up another trash bin to throw out the junk."
It was, naturally, Shelley who took a measurement of how much width could fit between the fence and the
house. "And you need two big doors that open out," she said as they took off at warp speed in her minivan.
Todd and John didn't seem to mind riding with Shelley at the wheel. Jane thought it was because they were too
young to contemplate imminent death in a fire-engulfed vehicle. Or simply because they had male genes.
They found a perfect steel shed that met the requirements and could be delivered and stacked in the driveway the next day. In the meantime, Jane went out to buy a new trash bin and started filling it. It would probably take two weeks to get everything disposable in the garage into it.
Jane then turned her attention to making an office for Mel. She hadn't consulted him yet. But she called her honorary uncle Jim. He'd had a room tacked onto the back of his house three years earlier. He was close to retirement
and wanted to set up a woodworking room with lots of windows for good light.
"Don't mention this to Mel yet. I want to tell him about it and figure out how much room he needs."
Jim said, "You'll need an architect to draw up tentative plans, and get the township's permission. I can help you
with that. I've been through it, and know the ropes and the right people to hire."
"Uncle Jim, you really are a treasure."
"I'm looking forward to the wedding. I haven't seenCecily and Michael for two years." Uncle Jim had been a long-term Chicago cop. Before that he served as a bodyguard for five years when Jane's parents traveled to different countries. They'd always been close to him.
"We scheduled the wedding around their timetable."
Jane had already called her son, Mike, to tell him she was getting married. His response was merely, "It's about time, Mom. You're not getting any younger."
Katie was slightly less enthusiastic, but pretended prettily that she was pleased.
Todd had taken the news easily, "Cool, Mom. Somebody else to take out the trash every week."
Thelma took it very badly. "At your age, you're getting married? What's the point in doing something so foolish?"
"That's my business, Thelma. It's not your concern."
Jane went on to explain that the real wedding was going to be in a judge's chamber with just her family and Mel's. "You're welcome to attend if you wish. Mike and Katie and Todd will all be there, as well as my friend Shelley and Uncle Jim."
"I'll have to think about it. Issue me an invitation and directions," Thelma snapped and hung up.
Jane let out a long sigh. Why had she ever even considered inviting Thelma? She should have known she'd be nasty. Just not quite as nasty as she had been.
She'd send the invitation and just hope the old tartar wouldn't show up and be rude to Jane and everyone else. The next day, four big boxes appeared in her driveway.
She assumed they were the pieces of the shed. If not, she couldn't imagine what else would come in such big boxes. She called Shelley and told her to get the boys ready and asked if she had a box cutter with a fresh blade. She wasn't surprised that Shelley had one handy. The boys were excited. They'd already dug up the grass and leveled the area where it would sit. Todd had found an old painting tarp with pink paint speckles. Whatever was it doing in the garage? Jane wondered. Nothing in the house had ever been painted pink. They'd put it on the ground and set all the bags of screws and handles in the right order.
Jane and Shelley decided to watch the process. They took two patio chairs out on the lawn. The boys moved the table and the umbrella for them, in a bit of a temper because it was slowing them down.
The boys did a good job. They, unlike Jane, read all the directions before starting. Jane never read the instructions until she realized she'd done something wrong.
Late in the afternoon, she called Mel and said, "I'm making chili this evening. I know it's winter food but I have a craving for it. I want to show you my new shed as well."
"A new shed?"
"To clear out the other side of the garage for your car," r she explained. "All the big stuff is already in there and most of the rest is going out in the trash."
She didn't mention the pictures she'd found of Mike and Katie going camping as little kids with their father. They grabbed at her heart. He was a good dad. Just not a faithful husband.
Mel looked a bit wrung out when he arrived for dinner. "Your mother?" she asked.
"Yup. I won't even tell you what she said."
"It was probably as bad as what my mother-in-law said to me yesterday. Forget it. I'm sticking to my guns about the rules. No matter how mad your mother is, does she u
nderstand that I mean it?"
"She does. But I need to reinforce it several times
before the wedding."
After the chili was chowed down, she called for Todd and John to come show off their work. Even Mel was impressed. "Now let's see the garage." He was pleased.
Jane said, "Wait for what will impress you more. Let's sit outside for a while."
When Mel had carried the table, umbrella, and chairs back to the patio, and they'd taken their coffee cups and some store-bought chocolate chip cookies to nibble, Jane sprang her plan on Mel.
"I'm building you an office just behind the dining
room."
"Jane, you can't do that. You don't know how, in the first place, and it would be too expensive. You could just clear out that big closet-sized sewing room."
"It's too small. And where would I put my sewing
machine?"
"When did you last use it?"
"Oh, I think it was around 1923."
That made Mel laugh again. He hadn't even smiled
earlier.
"I've consulted Uncle Jim. He put in a room for his retirement hobbies. He knows who to ask. As for the expense, consider it a long-term wedding gift. You would feel too guilty to ever leave me."
"Jane, quit joking. It would cost the earth."
"Mel, I don't think you realize how much money I have. When I married the first time, my husband was a one-third owner of the family pharmacy. They were about to go under. It was a rental and the owner raised their rent by half again what it had been. I used a fairly large inheritance I'd received to help them get a better location."
The Accidental Florist jj-16 Page 2
