by Sara Arden
He dropped the box a fraction. “I tell you what. I’ll give you the doughnut if you promise to eat it right here.”
“In your lap?”
“Exactly as we are.”
“You want to hold your arm above your head like that?” she teased in an effort to avoid answering him. Damara knew where this was going.
“I’ll put my hands wherever you want me to.” The corner of his mouth turned up in the beginning of a grin.
“Okay. My doughnut. Your hands on the couch. Palms flat. No touching.”
“You’re a cruel mistress.”
“Yes, I suppose I am,” she agreed.
“As you wish.” He handed her the box, and he splayed his hands out on the couch.
She pulled out the doughnut and examined it this way and that. His eyes followed her every action; the weight of his study was intense. She found herself very aware of every action, every breath.
Her tongue darted out to lick at the glaze, and his erection jerked against her. She blushed, but she’d come too far to stop now.
“Oh, really?” she asked him, her face warm.
“Oh, yeah.”
She did it again and got the same reaction, but he held the rest of his body perfectly still and waited for her to do as she wished.
Damara found she liked having him under her command. There was something heady about having control over a man so strong. He could crush her, but he waited for her direction.
Damara licked all the frosting off the top of the doughnut. “It’s so good.”
“But is it better than sex?”
“You know, I think this is the part where I’m supposed to make you prove that it isn’t, but I can’t lie. It’s good, but it’s nowhere near as good as what happened between us in Barcelona.”
“I wouldn’t mind if you asked me to prove it.”
“I’m sure you wouldn’t. But we already had this discussion.” She bit her lip and put the doughnut down.
“We did. And I’ve kept my hands to myself.”
“Which is why you’ve earned a taste,” her traitorous mouth said before she could stop herself. Damara lowered her mouth to his slowly, taking her time, enjoying the tension as it grew thick between them and their mingling of breath.
For a moment, it was a symbiosis. They breathed for one another, inhaling and exhaling together.
She brushed her lips against his ever so carefully, almost chastely.
“You said I could have a taste,” he whispered against her mouth, and his tongue swept along her bottom lip. “Mmm. Sweet.”
Now was the time for her to pull back, to take herself upstairs to bed and not think of this again.
She supposed what did that little voice in was the part where it said she wouldn’t think of this again. She’d think of it all the time and she’d regret not taking what he offered.
What she’d said at the press junket wasn’t a total lie. She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. It was a very real possibility that someone would kill her before she could finish what she’d set out to do in Castallegna.
She’d said earlier during the junket that an assassin’s bullet could take her out at any time. If she only had this day left, what would she do with it?
Make love with Byron Hawkins.
It was almost as if he sensed her surrender, because he kissed her more thoroughly, even though his hands were still flat on the couch.
She pushed her palms up under his shirt, over his ripped abs, and down to that line she’d enjoyed looking at so much.
But Damara hadn’t surrendered; she couldn’t. She said she’d make love with him, and she couldn’t do that by herself. He had to be making love to her, too. It had to be about their connection, not only physical fulfillment. She refused to pour herself heart and soul into a man who wouldn’t do the same for her.
That was a kind of prison, and she wouldn’t do that to herself.
“I can’t do this.” She scrambled away from him.
“You were doing just fine a second ago.”
She debated whether or not she should tell him, but her mouth decided for her. “I was thinking about what I said at the junket.”
“Which thing?”
“About being assassinated, not knowing when my next moments may be my last.”
His lips thinned, and he clenched his jaw. “If you don’t think I can protect you—”
“No.” She shook her head. “It’s not that at all. This has actually been a gift. It’s helped me to see things more clearly. I know you’ll protect me. I know you’d die for me. But you’ll never live for me. You’ll never give me all of yourself, and half just isn’t good enough.”
He scowled. “I told you I wasn’t good enough in Barcelona. But you didn’t listen.”
“No, I didn’t listen and neither did you. I didn’t say you weren’t good enough. I said half of you isn’t good enough. When you’re ready to give me everything, then I’ll make love to you. Until then...” She shrugged. “I can’t do that to myself.”
“I told you it wasn’t called making love. It’s fucking.” He might as well have been a beast for the snarl he lobbed at her.
“That’s where you’re wrong. For me, it’s making love. And anyone I choose to give my body to, it will be because we are connected. Not just because it feels good and I’m sad or lonely or even afraid.” She straightened. “I deserve better than that, and so do you.”
“That’s all I’ve got to give you, Princess.”
“That’s all you want to give me.”
He shook his head slowly. “You’re so naive.”
“I guess I am.” She’d rather be naive than so used up by the world that she had nothing left to give, not even to herself.
“Maybe you’ll believe me now.”
And maybe not. “I’m going to bed.”
It was some time later, but she was still staring up at the ceiling in the darkness when he came into the room and made his pallet on the floor. He was close enough to touch but still so incredibly far away.
She replayed the memory of the ship in her head. You can touch me. It had been a tacit permission, a key to a forbidden door, because it unlocked her fantasies, her needs. There was no shoving them back into some dark unknown corner now that she’d tasted him. Now that she knew what it was like to be in his arms.
It wasn’t just the place between her thighs that ached for him, but every piece of her. Her lips yearned for his, her tongue for the taste of his skin, her shoulders for his arms around them, her hips for his, pressing her down into the mattress... She craved the sight of him, the taste of him, the scent of him. It was everything about him.
Going without his touch was a little bit like dying. That descriptor sounded overdramatic even to her, but he’d brought a part of her alive, made her bloom. He was the light that nourished it, the sustenance that fed it, and without that, it withered and died. Although the time it had been given breath had been an experience unlike any other. Beautiful and harsh, soft and sharp, all at once.
He was close enough that she could whisper that she wanted him in her bed, and she knew he’d come. He’d touch her; he’d give her everything her body desired.
Except her pesky heart. That thing was making demands Byron had no way of meeting. She knew better than to expect a person to change into something they weren’t. He’d been honest with her from the start.
Barcelona was different. He’d be a memory, something pretty to take out and remember, something to hold on to in the dark when she was alone.
But she wasn’t alone now, even though she felt like it.
The part of her that was dying wanted to cry, but the rest of her that had lived without him for so long already was glad because this was safer. Without these feelings, sh
e had confidence in what she was doing, a passion and surety that she could change the world.
Byron made her doubt herself because if she couldn’t get one man to forgive the hurts of the past, how could she expect to do that for a country?
CHAPTER TEN
SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR was easier than taking the side of the bed she’d initially offered him, not that Byron anticipated he’d actually get to sleep—or if he did, it would be so riddled with nightmares he’d wake up screaming. It was easier to be awake, safer. For him and for her.
He pretended to sleep so he could be in the room with the princess and have a better chance at protecting her.
She was right to deny him her body. He’d been telling her all along that he wasn’t good enough for her, that he’d hurt her. So now why was he hurt that she’d listened to him? It was better this way.
Part of him wished he’d denied her in Barcelona. She’d be happier now, and so would he. He wouldn’t remember what it was like to touch her hair, the silk of her skin. The cadence of her gentle, even breathing as she curled up next to him in perfect trust. The trust was the most bittersweet of all. No one, except his team, had ever trusted him so implicitly.
From the moment they’d met, she’d had no doubts that he was the one, that he would save her. Even when he told her he hadn’t planned on helping her, even when he told her that he didn’t want to. It wasn’t any sort of royal entitlement; it was just a knowledge that she had that he was the one.
He’d tried to tell her that he couldn’t be trusted—this protection gig, it wasn’t him. He was a breaker, not a fixer. She’d just smiled in that way of hers, and his pride wouldn’t let him do anything but answer the call.
He knew he should try to sleep. He’d do a better job keeping her safe if he was rested. They had a whole team outside watching the house, and they were his brothers in arms. While he didn’t deserve their protection, Damara did.
He half expected them to deny the detail. Everyone knew he’d lost his team. As ironic as it was, there were no secrets in the world of covert ops. Not about things like this. He wanted their judgment. More than that, he wanted their punishment. He deserved it.
But he wouldn’t get it. They’d serve. They’d do the job they were ordered to do and complete the mission. Because they were rangers. He wanted to tear his skin off whenever they looked at him, as if that would somehow stop the burning. Byron knew it wouldn’t, though, because it was a different kind of fire. It was hell.
He pulled himself out of the beginning of the spiral, away from the sounds of the screaming that had risen to a roar in his ears. Byron focused on that sound—her breathing. It lulled him and comforted him like nothing else.
Except now he was dreaming. Byron Hawkins knew he was dreaming because he was no longer in the house with Damara.
He was in the sweltering heat of the jungle, the bites of insects like a thousand needles in his neck, sweat beading on his forehead and the buzzing in his ears.
It was always the same. He was in pursuit of the guerrillas in Uganda, and time stopped right before that moment when he murdered his team.
Because that’s what it was—murder. Those men were dead because of him.
Yes, back to that time, that second, that breath before he spoke the words that ended them all.
He couldn’t change it. Every time he dreamed, he tried to keep his mouth closed, tried to stop from speaking.
It never worked.
And the screams started again. Screams ripped from the bodies of men who’d walk into hell if it was their duty. Screams from men who didn’t know how to scream.
This time, Foxworth didn’t go with the rest of them. He held his weapon up against his chest like a baby.
“Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession, I will always endeavor to uphold the prestige, honor and high esprit de corps of the Rangers.” Austin Foxworth began reciting the Ranger Creed.
The one Byron didn’t feel worthy enough to speak. The words were poison on his tongue.
“Say it with me, brother. Speak the words,” Foxworth encouraged. “Acknowledging the fact that a Ranger is a more elite soldier, who arrives at the cutting edge of battle by land, sea or air—”
Byron found his voice and spoke with him. “I accept the fact that as a Ranger, my country expects me to move further, faster, and fight harder than any other soldier.”
“Never shall I—” Foxworth stopped reciting when Byron stopped. “Speak the words, soldier.”
“I’m sorry.” His apology spewed from him like a rancid geyser, but it did nothing to change the landscape around him. His sorry didn’t bring them back, didn’t soothe any hurts, and certainly didn’t absolve him of any sin.
* * *
EXPLOSIONS RATTLED THE GROUND, sulfur filled the air and all the fires of hell burned around them.
“There’s more to life than this, hoss.” Foxworth nodded and his face had melted away, leaving nothing but the grinning rictus.
“I’m so sorry—I’m so fucking sorry.” This time, the screams were Byron’s. He was on fire, but he couldn’t stop saying he was sorry, over and over, like some kind of benediction, even though he knew it wasn’t.
“Say it. Never shall I fail my comrades,” Foxworth demanded.
“Never shall I...never shall I...” He roared in frustration. “But I did. I did fail you.”
“Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission, though I be the lone survivor.” The sharp finger bones of the skeleton dug into his wrist. “Never shall I fail my comrades.”
And Byron spoke. Even though they sliced his tongue like razorblades, he spoke the words he did not feel, gave voice to his failure and let it live and breathe outside of him. “Never shall I fail my comrades.”
He awoke sweat-soaked, the scent of jasmine in his nose and soft, cool hands on his face.
Damara.
“It’s okay, Byron. You’re here. With me. Just breathe.”
The princess with all her strength, her courage and her sweetness cradled him against the dark.
She’d slipped down to his pallet and held him gently. She didn’t ask him what he’d dreamed about. She just stroked her fingers through his hair and held his cheek to her breast. The steady thud of her heartbeat soothed him, anchored him into the world so he didn’t drift away again back to that land of pain and fire.
He wasn’t afraid of his nightmares; they weren’t even the beginning of a just punishment for what he’d done. Through them all, no matter how many times he had to relive them, he knew they weren’t real, and whatever he endured was nothing like what they’d suffered.
If he could trade places with them, he would’ve.
At least until Damara.
Byron was still convinced he was going to hurt her, that he was going to screw up and she was going to die. But he’d vowed to protect her with his life, and he would. It would be a good death if he died protecting her. So much better than he deserved.
Would it be so bad? Foxworth’s voice asked in his head. Would it be so bad to marry her, to take care of her, to love her?
Even the voices in his head wanted her.
Yes, it would be horrible, he answered them. It would be the worst thing that could happen because even if he exorcised his own demons, they could never be together. She had a country to save, and when it was safe for her to go back to Castallegna, she had to go. Byron’s life still belonged to the Department of Defense. He’d signed a contract. But he found himself wondering who’d be in Castallegna to continue protecting her. Who’d oversee the construction of the base, the operations...
He couldn’t think about it anymore. Instead, he dressed early and went for a run, checking in with
the security detail to make sure she was safe before he left.
He ran past the downtown area, not wanting to look at any of the small-town charm. He’d had enough of it as a kid. The air was cold on his face, chilly as it swirled in his lungs. He ran toward the edges of town. The part of the river that wasn’t by the old grande dame Victorians, but the industry. The secret places of his youth. He saw they weren’t so secret, or at least the kids there were like him. They were the miscreants, the misfits, the castaways.
They stood in a small group, smoking and laughing, huddled over a bonfire.
The ranger who lived in his head said to tell them to go home, to break it up. The kid that he used to be wanted to go join them. But the sad man he was in between just kept running.
He ran farther still to where the old train station sat abandoned, still waiting for city hall and the historical society to raise enough funds to restore it. Calliope music blared loudly and harshly through the space from the carousel museum.
Dawn had crested over the horizon, and he kept running, working his body as hard as he dared. There was a headspace he found in that kind of exhaustion that was the closest to peace he could get outside of Damara’s arms.
Nothing could follow him there. Not guilt, not shame, not sorrow. It was this blessed empty white.
* * *
BYRON RAN UNTIL HE VOMITED, and then he ran some more, but the peace he sought was elusive. Further proof that true peace of any kind was denied him.
He turned his steps back toward the house, back toward his responsibilities and his failures. He hated being so at odds with himself.
He had to shut his brain off. Otherwise, Damara really was going to get hurt and it would be his fault because he couldn’t keep his head in the game.
Sonja had given him a schedule, and there were more interviews and appearances on the docket for the day. He wondered when this was going to end. When they were going to get a chance to breathe.
When he got back to the house some hours later, the kitchen was full of smoke, it smelled like something had died and Damara was wearing nothing but the ranger T-shirt and crying.
