by Laura Landon
Cleo said no more when the carriage door opened.
. . .
Thomas couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss he’d shared with Cleo. He was assaulted by stabbings of regret. How could he have done something so foolish? How could he allow himself to kiss her so intimately when he knew there was no possibility that anything could come of it?
He shoved the food around on his plate, thankful that no one had come down to breakfast yet. He needed to think of what he was going to say to her. What excuse he could make as to why he’d let himself do something so improper.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t dreamed of kissing her. He had from the minute he’d seen her. He also had known that their kiss would awaken emotions he hadn’t allowed himself to consider. But their kiss had affected him even more than he’d anticipated.
Thomas reached for his coffee and took a long swallow. He needed to clear his mind. He needed to put what had happened into perspective.
It wasn’t that he was inexperienced. He’d kissed women before. But none of them had caused his emotions to soar like they had when he’d kissed Cleora.
He was aware that there was something special about her from the moment he met her. Perhaps it was her open smile. Perhaps it was the bravery she showed even though she was literally helpless in the face of the unknown. Perhaps it was nothing more than what his mother had always told him: that someday he would meet someone that he’d recognize was more special than any female he’d ever met. And when that lady appeared, he should hold onto her because she was the one who would make him happy for the rest of his life.
Except, he couldn’t take his mother’s advice. He couldn’t hold on to Cleo for fear that one day her sight would return. And when it did, she would know he’d deceived her and would turn away from him. And he would let her.
Thomas lifted his gaze to the open doorway when his brother-in-law entered the room.
“Good morning,” Barnaby greeted.
“Good morning.” Thomas said in return. “I’m afraid it will be just you and me.” Thomas lifted his cup to his mouth and took a drink of his coffee. “Lady Cleora prefers to take her meals in her room, and Polly never rises before mid-morning. Polly’s nursemaid said she had a bad dream again and Millie went to be with her.”
Barnaby filled his plate and sat down beside Thomas. “Yes. Millie sat with her for an hour or more last night, as well. Polly had a difficult time falling asleep.”
When a footman filled Barnaby’s cup, Barnaby dismissed the staff with a nod. Lord Radburn’s butler, Childers, closed the door when he left.
Thomas waited until they were alone. “What is it?” he asked as he sat back in his chair.
Barnaby finished putting marmalade on his toasted bread. “I received a message from Major Bennett. Lord Palmerston’s townhouse was broken into. Nothing was taken, but the intruders went through the earl’s desk and private papers.”
Thomas leaned forward. “They’ve realized Lady Cleora isn’t in London with Lord Palmerston and are looking for clues as to where she might be.” Thomas stated his assumption as a fact. Not as a suggestion.
“That’s what both Major Bennett and Major McCormick think, too. And I agree with them.”
“Did Palmerston have any information that might lead the intruder to Radburn Estate?”
“He says there was nothing, but we can’t take any chances. From now on, guards will go with Lady Cleora whenever she steps outside.”
“She asked to accompany me when I go to Cliffside tomorrow.”
“You’ll have company, then,” Barnaby said. “Sam is sending several men to stand guard.”
Thomas nodded in agreement. “Has the major discovered why Randolph was killed?”
“It seems he was heavily in debt. It’s possible the murderer was someone he owed money.”
“It must have been a great deal,” Thomas said.
“That’s what Sam believes. Once he has a list of who Randolph owed, we’ll have a better idea who might have killed him.”
Thomas thought of the danger Cleo was in. He would have to make sure he was on his guard at all times. Before he could ask any more, a soft knock at the door interrupted them. Childers opened the door.
“Lady Cleora’s maid escorted the lady to the morning room,” Childers announced. “You said you wanted to be informed when she came down, my lord.”
“Yes, Childers. Thank you.” Thomas pushed himself to his feet.
“What are your plans for today?” Barnaby asked.
“I promised the lady a tour of the gardens if the weather was nice. Since it’s a beautiful day, I intend to keep my word.”
“You and Lady Cleora seem to fit quite nicely,” Barnaby said with a smile.
Thomas had no trouble reading what was on his brother-in-law’s face. He also knew Millie was of the same mind. “Lady Cleora is a charming lady and we enjoy each other’s company. But that is where our relationship ends. I’m quite confident that her sight will return some day. When it does, any connection we’ve developed will end.”
Thomas left the room before Barnaby could stop gaping and argue with him. He didn’t want to hear that perhaps Cleora wouldn’t feel that way. That was hardly the point.
Even if she didn’t, the members of Society would. And he had no intention of entering another ballroom to have Society’s elite turn away at the sight of him.
Chapter Four
Cleo sat in the morning room while she waited for Thomas. How she would have managed these last few weeks without him was a thought she’d rather not contemplate. She’d tried not to let herself depend on him too much. Being the needy, helpless female was a role she rejected, and yet every day, in the smallest things, Thomas was there to make things easier. Seeing her need and acting even before she asked. Allowing her the freedom of not having to ask. He was a blessing she could never have anticipated, and one she could never expect to continue beyond her few weeks here at Radburn Manor.
Her need of him set her trembling.
She knew she was being foolish. Or, perhaps she merely thought differently of him because of the kiss they’d shared. A kiss that had changed her, left its imprint on her mind, her heart, her soul.
No kiss had ever felt so welcome, so tender. No kiss had held a promise as this kiss had. But was it a promise of love? Or simply loyalty. If only she could have looked into his eyes—
She’d never reacted to a kiss like she’d reacted to Thomas’s kiss. With such longing for another. She’d never experienced what could only be identified as passion. Which was one of the reasons she had to proceed slowly. She couldn’t allow herself to expect more than what she knew Thomas intended.
The day would come when Lord Renfrew would return to London. He was required to take his place in the House as were all the titled nobility. No matter what gallant thing he might say, in his heart of hearts he would want a wife who was not fettered by blindness. He would want a helpmate who made his road easier, not fraught with daily challenges.
Cleo drew the tips of her fingers across the rich brocaded fabric of the chair where she sat. It had been a year since she’d lost her sight. Surely if she was going to be able to see again, her sight would have returned by now. The fact that it hadn’t meant only one thing—that she most likely would never see again.
A gnawing pain began to grow in her chest. She couldn’t believe she would never read a book again. Or embroider. Or paint. Or even go for a walk without someone leading her. Or look into someone’s smiling eyes.
She covered her face with her hands and fought the tears that threatened to fill her eyes. She refused to feel sorry for herself. She refused to give in to the self-pity that had consumed her for the first few months after she’d discovered she was blind. Feeling sorry for herself made nothing better.
She rose from her chair and felt her way to the wall behind her. There was a window, she knew, and she had a sudden need to stand before it and feel the sun on her face.
Getting to
the window took time, but she made it without knocking anything over, and that made her smile. That was Thomas’s doing. He’d rearranged things so each smooth surface had a cleared space at the front where her fingers could feel the way.
She locked her hands at her waist and lifted her face to feel the sun’s warmth. Behind her, the door opened and closed. She didn’t need her sight to know it was Thomas.
“I see you’re getting a head start on enjoying this beautiful day.”
She turned her head toward the sound of his voice. “I could feel the sun shining through the window and wanted to bask in its warmth.”
He walked toward her and placed her right hand on his left arm when he was near enough to her. “Then let’s take full advantage of what the day has to offer.”
He led her from the room, then to the library from where they could step out onto the terrace and down the four steps to the garden. When they reached an open spot along the path, he led her to a bench and they sat.
“I hear water,” she said.
“Yes. We’re facing a small pond. There are at least a dozen ducks swimming in the pond. On our next visit we shall bring some cracked corn to feed them.”
Cleo heard the ducks quacking away and couldn’t help but smile. “They sound happy.”
“Well of course they’re happy. Why wouldn’t they be? They’ve got me trained to bring them tea nearly every day.”
Cleo felt joy light her face as Thomas’s laughter joined with hers.
“And when we return to the house, we’ll stop in the library. Polly mentioned she’d love to read to you but didn’t know what you’d enjoy. I told her I’d let you select a book and she could read to you this afternoon.”
“That sounds marvelous,” Cleo said. “I used to read a great deal. I’m sure we’ll find something Polly and I will both like.”
“Are you ready to walk a little further?”
“Yes.”
Thomas helped her to her feet, then looped her arm through his and they walked along the path.
“I’d like to talk to you about what happened yesterday.”
“That’s not necessary, Thomas. I think we both understand what happened. And what it means.”
Thomas hesitated, but Cleo kept her gait steady as they continued walking.
“What do you think it meant?” His voice held a hesitant tone, as if he feared her answer. As if he expected to have to lower her expectations gradually.
“It meant nothing, Thomas. Because we can’t allow it to mean anything. It just happened.”
“Why do you think that, Cleora? Because you’re blind?”
She stopped. “Yes, Thomas. Because I’m blind. Because I can’t pretend that my blindness doesn’t change everything.”
“Don’t define yourself by your blindness, Cleora. In the first place, you can’t know that your sight will never return. And regardless of whether it does or it does not, your prince charming is waiting out there for you.”
“Only that charming prince is not you, is it?”
He hesitated. Finally he answered her in a voice that held a great deal of sorrow. “No, Cleo. It isn’t me. You need a man who can give you everything you’ve always dreamed of having.”
Cleo tried not to let his words hurt, but they drew trails of agony across her heart. She would meet the man of her dreams, but that man wasn’t him.
There was nothing for either of them to say, so she took a step forward. He followed.
They continued their walk through the garden, stopping for a moment when they reached a spot where the sun shone down upon them. After a few minutes, they wordlessly continued walking at a comfortable pace.
Cleo felt the pain of it in every corner of her being. She struggled to fight the pull that drew her to Thomas, but she couldn’t. The longer she spent in his company, the more she craved being with him.
Even though he’d made it plain that he couldn’t care for her, she was unable to convince herself that she didn’t care for him. As painful as it was, she forced herself to make one of the hardest choices she’d ever made. She had to avoid being with the man she loved.
Then, as swiftly as a cloud racing to cover the sun, Cleo accepted that it was likely she would live the remainder of her life loving someone she could never have.
. . .
The next day they went to Cliffside as planned. Thomas sat in the carriage beside Millie as they traveled the road. Polly sat next to Cleo, and Barnaby rode beside the carriage. He’d insisted that he’d rather ride than take a second carriage. But Thomas knew Barnaby’s motive was to keep watch for anyone who might follow them.
Barnaby had received another message from Major Bennett that morning. Palmerston was sure his townhouse was being watched, but they hadn’t yet been able to catch the culprit.
Thomas kept his focus on the landscape. He intended to do what he could to help protect his sisters and Cleo. Thankfully, Polly and Millie kept the conversation going and he wasn’t forced to say much.
Neither was Cleo. She seemed unusually quiet, but that didn’t surprise him. He expected nothing different after their conversation the day before.
He knew he’d hurt her feelings. And with it he’d broken her trust. But he couldn’t allow their feelings for each other to develop into something that would only cause both of them pain in the future. He couldn’t let her imagine that what he felt for her was anything more than friendship. Even if that wasn’t true.
He never should have kissed her. The emotions that surfaced when his lips touched hers were more powerful than anything he’d imagined. The passion that came alive inside him startled him. Even though he’d told himself over and over that he couldn’t expect any female to look beyond his disfigurement, he’d kissed her as if he thought she wouldn’t be horrified by his scarred face.
It had pained him to say what he had, but he’d had no choice. He couldn’t allow Cleo to think there might be a future for them.
“Isn’t that right, Thomas?” Polly asked.
“What?”
“You haven’t heard a word we’ve said, have you?”
“I’m sorry. I was lost in thought. What was it you asked?”
“I said you thought Cliffside would be ready enough for us to live there in another month. Two at the longest.”
“That’s what I’m hoping. Lord and Lady Radburn will be home by then and I’d like us to be back at Cliffside before they return.”
“I can’t wait,” Polly said with the normal excitement of a twelve-year-old. “Cook said she’ll fix all of our favorites the first night we’re there. That means we’ll have custard pudding with cinnamon on it. And you’ll have your stuffy beef roast. What’s your favorite food, Cleo?”
Thomas could see that Polly’s question caught Cleo off guard. “What? Oh, I don’t know. I… Perhaps sweetened rice with butter and cinnamon on it.”
“I don’t think we’ve ever had that, have we, Millie?”
“No, I don’t think so. But it sounds delicious. We’ll have to ask Cook if she knows how to make it. Then she can make some for you.”
“I doubt I’ll still be here in two months. Mother and Father will have returned to the country, and I’ll join them when they leave London.”
Thinking of the day when Cleo would no longer be with them caused an ache to clutch at his chest. He didn’t want to think of her walking out of his life. He knew once she did, he’d likely never see her again. The ache inside him intensified. He’d miss her more than he cared to admit.
“What is it you’d like us to help you with?” Millie asked as they turned down the lane that took them to Cliffside.
“The colors of the receiving rooms, the breakfast room, and the formal dining room. I don’t want to have to make those decisions. I also need you to select the drapery fabrics for those rooms. The foreman said samples have arrived from London, and I need you and Polly to choose the colors and fabric you like best.”
“How exciting,” Polly said. “I�
�ve never chosen draperies before.”
The carriage slowed, then stopped in front of the manor house where a footman neatly opened the door and lowered the step. Thomas exited first, then helped Millie and Polly to the ground. When they were out, he reached for Cleo’s hand to help her descend.
He knew that when their fingers touched, a shiver of emotion would warm his flesh. Even though they both wore gloves, he knew nothing would stop the waves of emotion from traveling up his arm. But he wasn’t prepared for the magnitude of the heat that rushed through him when Cleo placed her hand in his.
From the stunned expression on her face, neither was she.
Thomas knew if Cleo had her sight, she would have averted her eyes and lightly accepted his aid. But her blindness forced her to cling to his hand like a lifeline.
“Are you ready?” he asked, waiting for her to regain her balance as her toe sought the ground.
“Yes, please. Let’s go inside.”
Thomas looped her arm through his and they entered the house. “Since the formal receiving room is the only room completely done, I’ll take you there while I visit with the foreman concerning the progress to the house. Will you be all right until I return?”
“Of course. Thank you.”
Thomas led her to one of the sofas and helped her sit. “I won’t be long,” he said. “I’ll order tea. It should be here soon.”
He turned to leave her but her voice stopped him.
“Are we alone, my lord?”
He turned. “Yes.”
“I’ve thought a great deal about what you said yesterday and you were correct. The… kiss we shared was a mistake. Our association with each other is also a mistake. I have decided that from now on I will not rely upon you for assistance. I have a maid at my disposal and she shall accompany me wherever I need to go.”
“Cleo, I didn’t—”
“Please, allow me to finish.”
Thomas heard the firmness in her voice as well as the resolve in her words. He allowed her to continue, even though her words sliced through him like a rapier.
“I appreciate the hospitality you’ve shown me, and the friendship you’ve offered. But from now on, I think it best that we avoid each other as much as possible.”
