by Rinelle Grey
Folly nodded. “That’s a good idea.” She looked more relieved now though, and even joined in with Kerit’s interrogation of Kugah. “So why did your ship crash?” she asked.
Amelie programmed a few more tests into the machine, and left them to run. She didn’t expect any surprises though. Folly was young and healthy, not showing any signs of a serious problem.
But if a few tests relieved her concerns, then Amelie was happy to run them.
Chapter 11
Now that the others were aware that they could communicate with Kugah, he had a steady stream of visitors.
It had been good to actually tell Folly and Kerit a bit about what had happened on Semala, though he was relieved they were more interested in that time than in asking any difficult questions about his home planet.
Tyris though, was another story. He wasn’t particularly interested in Kugah’s people, but he wanted to know all about the Gokak. He asked questions about military tactics and numbers, things Kugah didn’t have the answers to. He’d just been a lowly scientist, then an experiment. The only planets he’d visited outside of his own had been on biology research.
The whole conversation made him very uncomfortable, though he tried to hide that. He was very glad when Tyris gave up and left.
When Nerris arrived shortly after, he mentally braced himself for another round of questions. He tried not to feel attacked by their interrogation. It was natural that they’d want to know more about him and the planet he had come from.
Just like it was natural for him not to want to talk about it.
However, the engineer’s first question indicated that his thoughts were going in an entirely different direction.
“So, what exactly is wrong with that ship of yours? Just crash damage?”
An automatic resistance made Kugah want to pretend he couldn’t understand. So many bad memories were associated with that ship.
He had to force himself to type an unemotional reply. “It was hit by an asteroid when I was looking to see if Semala would be a suitable planet for me to live on. Then it suffered more damage when it crashed.”
“Right.” Nerris nodded. “Do you think it’s fixable?”
Fixable? As in able to fly again? A small flare of hope flickered in Kugah’s heart. The possibility that the ship could be repaired hadn’t even occurred to him until that point. “I have no idea. I know little about the inner workings of a spaceship. That was not my field of expertise.”
That led Nerris into a side thought. “What exactly is your field of expertise?”
This was safer ground. Kugah tried to figure out how to explain. “I’m a scientist. I studied animals, native and alien, in their natural habitats, to determine their usefulness for my people.”
How innocent he had been back then. He’d actually loved his work, and felt he was doing something useful. How wrong he had been. A bitter taste filled his mouth.
Nerris nodded. “Oh, a biologist. You should have a chat with Folly’s parents then. They’re biologists too, they’ve been studying the plants and animals on Semala all this time. I’m sure they’d love to hear some of your experiences.”
Kugah automatically filed that information away in case he needed it. More in the hopes that they might know more about genetic engineering than Amelie did than because he really felt like sharing experiences. He suspected the other biologists would be interested in hearing his studies over the years, but again, he didn’t really want to talk about it.
What he wanted was to find a new home.
The thought seemed strange, even though it had been his focus since running from Sofanette, his home world. Something had changed since then, and the urgency seemed to have faded.
It occurred to him that maybe this engineer could find some way to bypass the code lock on the Metamorphosis Device.
He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that possibility. He’d accepted he couldn’t access the machine, and dealt with that. It hadn’t been easy, but he’d moved on. Now the possibility was like opening up a raw wound again.
“Do you mind if I have a look at your ship, and see if it’s repairable?” the engineer asked. “Maybe we can get you off on your own faster than we thought. Especially since we may be stuck here for a while. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to fix the AWP and fine tune it, and our anysogen engine isn’t going to get us very far.”
If he could have his own ship repaired, he wouldn’t need to be dependent on the humans any longer. He could find his own way again, as he had always planned.
He could leave the humans far behind, and never have to risk losing his temper and hurting any of them. That would be a good thing, no matter how disappointed it made him feel.
If he had his own ship, the humans could go their own way, without feeling compelled to take time out of their own search to help him. That’s what Nerris was really indicating, wasn’t it? They might not be as afraid of him as they had been, but they still didn’t want him around. Not that he blamed them. They had all the information he had about the Gokak, and now they wanted Kugah gone.
Hurt tumbled over itself, tripping up on his own self-loathing. Almost immediately, it was covered by a surge of adrenaline and anger.
He didn’t need any of them. He didn’t need anyone. He could crush them all in an instant.
No.
Kugah caught himself before he shook his head for emphasis. He kept his thoughts internal. He wasn’t angry at this human. He didn’t blame him for wanting to be rid of a potentially dangerous alien. There was no reason to be angry.
He fought those feelings back down where they belonged. They weren’t his.
He was glad the genetic enhancement meant his fingers didn’t even shake as he typed. “Wouldn’t your time be better spent repairing your own ship?”
Nerris nodded. “That is our first priority, and Folly and I are already working on it,” he agreed. “But, as I said to Tyris, if it turns out we can’t fix the AWP, the Artificial Wormhole Projector that Folly’s father created, we may need to look at other options. Our own anysogen engine is still working, but it’s not going to get us to a habitable system before our supplies run out, and the nearby ageing star could go supernova at any moment. Given that you made it here, and we’ve never seen your people, I suspect your engine might be faster than ours. We just might need that.”
Kugah nodded slowly. He couldn’t deny Nerris’s assumption. “Not as spectacular as Folly’s wormhole generator, but from what I have seen of your technology, it is more advanced, yes.”
Despite wishing no harm on the humans, he was hesitant to let the engineer poke around his ship. Kugah was interested in the possibility that it could be repaired. If it could, it could give him an escape route. One he might need. But Nerris was only interested in the engine, not the damaged hull that was Kugah’s problem.
More concerning, if Nerris started exploring the ship, he would discover that it wasn’t just a ship. If he saw the apparatus hidden inside, the one that contained all the genetic modifications that had made Kugah what he was, and contained genetic code for all the Sofana and Gokak on his planet, he would be curious.
Without the access code, it was virtually useless, but Kugah suspected that the humans would be motivated to find a way to bypass it if they knew the information it contained. With only minor changes for their own genetic makeup, the humans could turn their own soldiers into weapons just as dangerous as Kugah.
While he didn’t care about them having a defence against the Gokak if they ever started a war, he didn’t actually want to find out if the humans would be tempted by the technology.
Even if that temptation helped him get what he wanted—to be Sofana again.
He preferred to believe they were a gentle, kind race, like the Sofana were, even though he’d seen contradictory evidence in humans like Talah. He was the exception though, wasn’t he? Overall, the humans seemed to be far better than the Gokak had ever been. Surely they wouldn’t do s
omething like this to any one of them?
Then again, he was dealing with one small faction of the humans. A rebel one at that. He could hardly assume that the rest of the humans were like these ones.
All this flashed through his mind in a few moments. Still, he paused for long enough for Nerris to repeat his question. “Do you have any objections to me taking a look?”
Kugah stared at him for a few moments. If he said no, the humans would probably respect it, from what he’d seen so far. But they would be curious why, and it would breed distrust.
He certainly didn’t need them to have more reasons to distrust him.
And, if the wormhole machine was unrepairable, he would need another way to an inhabited planet as much as they did. Right now, anything that helped the humans helped him as well.
So he typed, “Kugah look with you. Kugah like to know if it can be fixed too.”
Nerris stared at him for just long enough for him to wonder if he’d created distrust anyway, and then the man nodded easily. “Sure. Maybe tomorrow?”
Kugah nodded. “Tomorrow is good,” he typed.
Nerris stood up. “Now that that’s settled, do you want to come down to the mess hall with me for dinner? Tyris suggested I ask you, he said he meant to, but forgot.”
Up until now, Kugah hadn’t been invited to eat with the humans. Someone had brought him a tray in his room, and he’d eaten alone.
The invitation itself was a sign of trust.
And he would get to see Amelie.
A flicker of hope flared in his heart. Was there any hope he could be accepted here with the humans, even for a little while?
Even though he knew he shouldn’t, he let himself be swayed by the friendly invitation. “Kugah like to come,” he typed.
As he followed Nerris through the halls, his sharp hearing picked up what was almost a roar of sound from the mess hall, even before Nerris opened the door.
Inside was a veritable sea of faces. Kugah guessed at least a hundred humans. And almost all paying no attention to him. They talked to each other, their voices raised, filling the room with a loud hum.
It reminded him achingly of the room where he’d eaten lunch while working. For him to be feeling nostalgia about his time working for the Gokak showed how lonely he was.
He almost wished he hadn’t come. How had he let himself forget that he didn’t belong here? This was the human’s space, and right now, they felt comfortable and at home. As soon as they saw him, they wouldn’t.
As if to reinforce his thoughts, Talah stood up and pointed at him. “Who invited that alien in here?”
The flicker of hope he’d felt earlier died under the cold blast of the man’s hostility.
This time, Kugah could understand his words perfectly. He’d been absolutely spot on in what the human had said to him before. Somehow though, removing the margin of error made it much more personal.
This time, it reminded him of the more unpleasant aspects of his time working for the Gokak. After his metamorphosis, he’d no longer been accepted in the Sofana section of the cafeteria. Nor did the Gokak accept him in their section. He’d been an outcast.
Just as he was here.
A tide of anger rose up without warning, threatening to overwhelm him. It swirled through him, whispering hints on how he could make this human pay for his continued harassment.
The babble of sound ceased immediately, and it seemed like every face in the room turned to stare at Kugah.
Kugah held his breath, counting slowly, trying to calm his anger as his mother had taught him. Attacking Talah would only prove the man’s point.
More importantly, Kugah wanted to show them that that wasn’t who he was.
He didn’t want that to be who he was.
The analytical thoughts helped him pull back from the anger. He didn’t want to be angry at these people. He didn’t want to hurt them.
He felt a moment’s victory. He’d beaten the anger. He hadn’t given in to it.
Yet, once he forced the anger away, there was room for far too many other emotions.
Once he had no anger to buffer him, all he wanted to do then was to shrink back into his armour, use it to block out the world. No one could see his emotions in here. They didn’t know if he was afraid, or embarrassed, or hurt.
As much as he hated the shield that kept him apart from everyone else, in that second, he realised that he used it too. It protected him. Being able to hide inside it gave him a freedom to do things he never would have been able to do without it.
Things like stare impassively out at a group of people staring back at him angrily. Things like pretend he didn’t care, when in reality he was hurting.
Nerris stepped forwards and said loudly, “I invited Kugah here, Talah. Is there a problem with that?”
“Yes.” Talah folded his arms. “We’re trying to eat our evening meal. There are women and children here. We don’t need to eat in fear. All of us have already dealt with enough of that.”
He looked around the room, and there were definite murmurs of agreement. Not everyone, true, but enough. His heart sank. So much for being welcome. Of course he would never be welcome among normal intelligent beings. He was too intimidating to ever be accepted.
“Kugah go,” Kugah said flatly. His armour could protect him from almost any weapon or environmental danger, but it couldn’t protect him from the pain of being shunned. He turned to leave the room, glad that this form didn’t allow him to cry. He was spared that humiliation at least.
“I’m not afraid of Kugah. He’s shown me nothing but kindness and friendship.” Amelie’s voice rang out over the murmurs.
The flicker of hope Kugah had felt when Nerris had invited him to dine with the humans, the one he thought had died when Talah objected, now rose to almost a flame. Not only had Amelie accepted him, she was prepared to stand up to one of her own people for him.
“He could have killed me back on Semala, and taken Folly’s ship and been long gone,” Kerit said. “But he didn’t.”
When Kerit’s voice joined hers, it threatened to flare into a proper fire.
“And without his help shutting down the AWP, we would all be dead,” Nerris added.
A few other voices, people Kugah didn’t even know, spoke up in agreement.
“He’s only helping us because he wants to take our ship,” Talah said. “I’ve seen the look in his eyes. He’s just waiting for his chance.”
The one angry voice cancelled out all the others. It didn’t matter how much he controlled his anger or helped them, they could only see the weapon he was on the outside.
It wasn’t fair. He had been trying to do something good, to help his grandmother, and it had ruined his whole life. He could never go back and fix his mistake, but he knew, in his heart of hearts, that he wouldn’t even if he could.
If he did, his grandmother would be dead. And he would still be sitting on Sofanette, researching for the Gokak so that they could genetically engineer other Sofana into weapons. His hands clenched involuntarily at the memory.
At least he wasn’t part of that anymore.
“See, I told you.” Talah’s hand shook as he pointed it at Kugah. “He’s going to attack me.”
His fear was so palpable that it completely squashed the last of Kugah’s anger. It made him feel bad for even feeling it in the first place. Talah was angry out of fear, just as he was. He was to be pitied, not hated.
Kugah exhaled slowly, and stepped back, shaking his head.
“Come on, Talah, be honest. You provoked him.” Amelie’s voice was tense. “I almost feel like slapping you for the fuss you’re making. But I’m not going to, and neither is Kugah. Now let’s all just eat dinner and not bother each other.”
“You can stay here if you want and eat with that monster. I’m going back to my room.”
No one attempted to stop Talah as he took his wife’s hand and left the mess hall. But they did stare quietly at Kugah.
He wasn’t
sure what to do. Any pleasure he’d felt about being invited to dine with the humans had been eroded by Talah’s reaction. Now he just felt flat. It would be far easier to return to his room and just go to sleep. He didn’t even feel like eating.
“Come and sit down,” Amelie offered quietly. She held out her hand to him.
Kugah stared down at her. Her expression was concerned and uncertain, and a little hopeful. Her brown eyes stared back at him, and the hand she held out didn’t move.
Kugah exhaled, and extended his hand to meet hers.
Amelie smiled, and for some reason, his heart lifted. As he followed her back to her table, she said quietly, “The opinions of one person is not the opinion of everyone. Don’t let Talah bother you.”
Kugah squeezed in between her and Kerit, across from Tyris, Nerris, and several others, and wished it was that easy. Talah was the only one who spoke out, but there were others who watched and nodded. Did those who didn’t make up for those who did? Were their opinions any less valid than the others?
They were right to look at him that way. He had come so close to attacking a defenceless man because he’d shouted at him and belittled him. That possibility made him sick.
It was good that he’d agreed to let Nerris look at his ship. Best to have a way out if things here became too unbearable.
Amelie glanced up from her soup, and smiled at him, and he drew in his breath.
Even though he knew he shouldn’t, he was going to save that way out until there was no other option, because the thought of leaving these humans, and especially Amelie, was getting harder and harder every day.
Chapter 12
Amelie could see that Kugah found Talah’s accusations in the mess hall distressing, even though she pretended not to notice. She’d already figured out that the alien felt a lot more emotion than his face showed, and after everyone had finished eating, and gone their separate ways, she walked Kugah back to his room.
