by Rinelle Grey
Amelie stared at the results again, checking over every bit of data, just in case she’d missed something.
But she hadn’t found anything else by the time Nerris arrived, his hair tousled from sleep. “What can I do for you, lass?”
“I have some strange radiation showing up in everyone’s blood samples, and I don’t recognise it. Is this familiar to you?”
Nerris stared at the data, then rubbed his eyes, then stared again. “I’m not sure. Let me have a closer look.”
Amelie pulled her chair to the side. “Be my guest.”
Nerris pulled the data into a separate program, and ran some of his own calculations on it. Amelie watched silently. Initially he compared it to the same radiation samples she’d done, coming to exactly the same conclusion, it didn’t match. But after that, he compared it to a whole heap of other data, stuff that she didn’t recognise.
A match came up almost immediately. Nerris frowned.
“What is it?” Amelie demanded.
“Looks like radiation given off by the exotic particles the AWP uses to hold the wormhole open while we travel through it,” Nerris said.
Amelie wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or worried that he’d confirmed her hypothesis. “Did you know about this radiation earlier? Why didn’t you mention it?”
Nerris shrugged. “People have worked with them in lab conditions before, with no effect on human tissue. I didn’t think it was a concern.”
That was why the match hadn’t shown up in her own samples. “Could it be some sort of interaction with the wormhole itself, causing the exotic matter to become unstable?”
Nerris nodded. “It could be. I’ll go check over the data we collected during the journey, and see if I can find anything more. I’ll be back soon.”
After he left, Amelie stared at the data again. At least now she had a starting place, something to work with. If she could find a way to remove the radiation from their bodies, then perhaps that would stop the ageing. While it was still present in everyone’s bloodstream, it would continue to cause damage. Once it was gone, she could see what long term effects there were.
Only trouble was, since radiation from exotic particles hadn’t affected humans before, there was no existing treatment. She was starting from scratch.
What she needed was to find something that would bind to the radiation, so it could be excreted from the body. But what? Chemistry wasn’t really her field, so even when she had more information, figuring out what might bind to the particles would be like searching for a needle in a haystack.
A very large haystack.
Filled with chemical formulas.
Another chemical formula filled her mind, a memory of their time on Semala. A memory of Kugah changing Imyne’s formula for the terraforming of Semala.
They did have a chemist on board. Imyne. Perhaps she could come up with something.
For the first time since she’d realised what was happening, Amelie felt a flicker of hope. They just might make it out of this.
If only they could do it before anyone died.
Chapter 19
Kugah stared around the room, at all the people who were in such dire circumstances. Many of them were facing death head on. But they didn’t seem to be ready to give up.
The people who created him had thought that the way to make a perfect soldier, one who had no fear, was to remove the emotions that caused fear. That had been their aim, though they hadn’t quite achieved it. Replacing fear with anger wasn’t quite the same thing, though he supposed it had met their aim closely enough.
They couldn’t even have imagined a scene like this one. To have a whole room full of people, who had every reason to be afraid, but were supporting each other and working together despite the fear.
They couldn’t have seen it even if it had been right in front of them.
Kugah’s eyes focused on something closer, a machine who’s beeping could only just be heard over the low level din of conversation in the room. He tapped Amelie on the shoulder, and pointed.
It took a moment for her eyes to focus on the machine and then they widened in panic. She jumped up, knocking the chair over in her haste, and rushed to the woman lying attached to the machine.
Junie.
She’d been moved down to the cargo bay when Amelie had transferred here.
“I need help,” Amelie called out, “she’s flatlining.”
The noise in the room ceased immediately. Everyone stared at her, but no one moved.
No one had any idea what to do.
Kugah stepped forwards, his hands held out. “Kugah gelp.”
Amelie bent over Junie, and started pressing on her chest. Every few compressions, she bent and breathed into Junie’s mouth.
Kugah didn’t know what he could do to help. He didn’t even know where to start, so he just stared at Amelie helplessly as she continued in her futile task. The red line on the monitor, so different to the zig-zag it had had earlier, indicated her efforts were ineffective. The beeping, loud now in the silence, continued relentlessly.
“Come on,” Amelie said, continuing to pump on the woman’s chest. “Get the paddles, Kugah.”
He had no idea what she was talking about, and was relieved when Aleck stepped in and brought over a piece of equipment on a cart. Amelie stopped her compressions to rub some cream on them, then placed them on the woman’s chest. “Clear.”
A low zapping sound filled the room, and the woman’s chest bucked under the paddles.
The line gave one zip up and down, then continued in a low line.
Amelie tried again, with the same result.
Her shoulders sagged. “I don’t even know what happened to her,” she whispered. “She had no symptoms that should have caused this. And she couldn’t even complain, since she’s been sedated since her baby was born. It’s my fault. I should have been paying more attention.”
“You can’t be everywhere at once, Amelie.” Tyris stepped forwards and put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re trying to save all these people, but it’s just not possible for one woman to be everywhere and do everything.”
She shook his hand off. “I’m a doctor, that’s my job. Who else is going to do it if I don’t? Everyone is trusting me to save them, and I don’t even know how,” she said flatly.
She turned away, stared out at the room full of people, all staring at her, then whirled around and headed for the door. Nerris was walking in just as she reached it. “Dr Benton, I have that information you were after.”
Amelie pushed past him, her head down.
Nerris turned to Tyris, his expression bewildered. “What’s wrong?”
Tyris frowned. “Junie died. But I have no idea why that’s affecting her so hard. She must have realised that we were going to lose some people. Hell, she was the one who warned me.”
Marlee sat up in bed. “Knowing something and experiencing it is a different thing. Poor Amelie. It must be awful for her. Everyone’s relying on her to solve all our problems.”
“That’s exactly why she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself, and keep working,” Tyris said firmly. He took a step towards the door.
Kugah could see the firm expression on Tyris’s face. He had several personal reasons for needing Amelie right now. As if almost his whole family being sick wasn’t enough, he was responsible for everyone on the ship in a fashion.
Kugah didn’t blame him for wanting Amelie to snap out of it, but he knew that tactic wouldn’t work right now. He couldn’t say how he knew, but he just did. She didn’t need to be told to buck up and get on with it. She needed some sympathy, and Tyris wasn’t going to give her that.
He couldn’t.
But Kugah could.
“Kugah, go.” He stepped forwards.
Tyris stared at him, his eyes wide. “You’re going to go after Amelie?” he demanded.
Marlee put her hand on her husband’s arm. “Let him go.”
Tyris looked at her. He must have
seen something in his wife’s eyes, because when he turned back to Kugah, his expression was more understanding. “I’ll give you a ten minute head start. Then I’m coming to talk to her. She might be hurting, but we just don’t have time for that right now. There are going to be a whole lot more deaths if she doesn’t come up with a solution soon.”
Kugah nodded. Ten minutes was more than he had expected.
He stepped out the door, then looked down the corridor in both directions. Where would Amelie have gone?
Kugah had only ever seen her in one room, so even though he wasn’t sure if that was where she would go, he headed for the med bay.
But when he arrived there, it was empty. More than empty, it had been stripped of the beds and most of the equipment in the move.
Amelie wasn’t here. So where was she?
Kugah tried to think where he would go if he was hurting. Probably to his ship, to leave. He’d tried that once, and Amelie had been there to stop him. He wanted to do the same thing for her. But first he had to find her.
He had no idea where her quarters were, he’d never been there. But somehow, he knew she wasn’t there either. That’s where Tyris would look for her. She’d know that.
So where? What else might draw her at a time like this?
What would she look for to help her find calm again? What would he look for?
Then it hit him. Space. That’s what he would need. It was hard to feel angry or desperate when confronted with the vastness of space.
He headed for the observation deck.
When he arrived, he thought the room was empty at first. There were no lights on, and the expanse of space was so huge that it blotted out everything else. Then he saw a shadow blocking the stars at the corner of the view screen. Amelie.
She hadn’t seen him.
He watched her for a few moments, taking in her slumped shoulders, and drooping head.
What could he possibly say to her to make this better? How had he ever thought he had anything to offer her that could make take some of the guilt away?
Maybe what she really needed was to get back to work. He’d spent a lot of nights drowning himself in his work when he hadn’t known what to do. It was a valid solution.
And yet, it had never made anything better. The demons had always been there whenever he’d stopped working.
They still were.
That was why he, more so than Marlee and Tyris, who were so sure of themselves, was the only one who could really help her.
“KaGeeGee?”
Her heard whipped around. “Kugah? What are you doing here?”
He wanted to talk to her, to be able to just let the words flow out, and have a real conversation, without the aid of the tablet. But it just wasn’t possible. His mouth just wouldn’t form their sounds. He exhaled, and reached for the tablet.
“Kugah want to help you.”
Amelie turned back to the stars. “You can’t,” she said flatly. “No one can. No one can bring back Junie and remind me to check on her before she died. No one can give me time to save her.”
“No, they can’t,” Kugah agreed. “Any more than I can go back in time and not accept the metamorphosis. We are both where we are, and the only thing we can do is move forwards.”
It hit him like a spur to the stomach, taking his breath away. He didn’t want to go back. Not anymore.
If he went back and undid all the things that had happened to him, his metamorphosis, the hate and horror, then he wouldn’t be here, standing watching this human woman who had somehow touched his heart.
“Sometimes,” Kugah typed, “Things have to happen for us to end up in a better place. A place we don’t even know will be better until we get there.” He hesitated about talking about his own experiences, he wanted the focus to be on Amelie and what she was going through, but he couldn’t think of a better way to explain what he meant.
“I always thought that if I could go back in time, and choose a different path, then I wouldn’t be a monster like this. But now I realise it is worth being who I am now, because without this I wouldn’t have met you.”
Kugah showed her the tablet, staring at her face as she read it. His heart thumped in his chest, as her eyes widened and flew to his face.
He knew then that he’d made a mistake. He’d said too much. Said things he never should have. She wouldn’t understand that he didn’t mean it in a romantic way. That he couldn’t mean it in a romantic way. He valued her friendship, who she was, who he was when he was around her. He couldn’t even begin to put that into words, not on the awkward keyboard.
“No one had to die for you to realise that you hadn’t made a mistake,” Amelie said flatly. “I’m used to patients dying, or as used to it as you ever get. But this one was my fault. I should have been checking on her, I should have realised something was wrong before it reached that point. I let her down.”
She took a deep, shaky breath. “Because I wasn’t watching more closely, Junie is never going to see her baby. And Camali is going to grow up never knowing her mother.” Her voice broke, and silent tears rolled down her cheeks.
Kugah wanted to say something to make everything right, but he didn’t know what.
Amelie didn’t seem to notice his silence. She took another breath, and kept talking. “It’s my job to help these people, to make them better, and I can’t. I don’t know how. It’s impossible. Even with a whole team of doctors, I couldn’t fix this. And they only have me. A doctor who was so distracted, she let a patient she probably could have saved die. What hope do any of them have?”
Her voice was bitter, the guilt she felt sliding into self-hatred. Kugah’s heart ached. He knew that feeling all too well.
He had enough guilt and self-hatred to last a lifetime. And his was far more deserved. For a moment, Kugah let himself remember the hurt on his grandmother’s face as she’d rejected who he’d become. Let himself think of the planets that had been enslaved in the name of the rule he had served.
Let himself remember the faceless Gokak he had killed.
“Kugah kill a man,” he growled. His words failed him. He typed wildly on the tablet not even caring if his words were right. “Amelie try to help, not kill. Accident. Not her fault. Forgive self, because she far better person than Kugah will ever be. Kugah kill deliberately.”
Amelie stared at him. His comment shocked her out of her own problems. “You’ve killed?” Her hands shook, and she swiped her hair out of her eyes. “Of course you have. Why did I never realise? You were designed to be a weapon, to kill, that much is obvious. I just thought… I thought…” she trailed off.
She thought he’d killed during a war, but the Gokak had never even tried to put the peace loving Sofana on a battle front. They’d just pushed them as far as they could, seeing if they could make them snap.
“No, Kugah not kill in battle. Kugah kill a Gokak who was taunting him. Anger got the better of me. I made a mistake. One I have to live with. Much worse that Amelie’s mistake.”
Admitting the truth was the hardest thing Kugah had ever done. He was terrified that it would make Amelie hate him, but he didn’t know how else to help her. Surely this would make her realise her own mistakes were not so severe.
Or make her turn away.
Kugah made himself watch the expression on her face, looking for the revulsion, waiting for her to turn away from him.
But she didn’t. Instead, she reached out and put a hand on his arm. When she spoke her words were sympathetic. “I can’t even imagine what it must have been like, to be changed so dramatically, and then for the Gokak to taunt you. They must have known that wasn’t going to end well. They must have known you weren’t aware of your own strength. People react differently when they’re under that kind of intense stress. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”
Her voice was so gentle, kind and understanding, that it was almost his undoing. How could she make excuses for what he had done, but not forgive herself? Her mistake was far more forgiva
ble. He needed to make her see that.
“Kugah responsible for his own mistake,” he typed. “Not want forgiveness. Want Amelie to forgive herself. She good person. Not like Kugah.”
Amelie shook her head immediately. “No, you’re a good person too, Kugah. I know you are. Just the fact that you’re here, trying to help me, when none of this is your problem. That shows me who you are far more than a one off action in a horrible situation does.”
Kugah didn’t believe her, but there was no point in arguing about it now. That wouldn’t help Amelie. And he was acutely aware he must have used up almost all of the ten minutes Tyris had given him already.
Amelie looked up at him, her eyes searching his face. “And that says something too. You feel guilty, but you haven’t given in. You’re still here, trying. How do you do it? How do you keep going when you feel so bad? How do you cope with it all?”
He had coped with it by avoiding it. By running. Just like he wanted to keep running now.
That wouldn’t help Amelie.
So instead, he reached down inside himself, and pulled out the only answer he had. The one he hadn’t even been aware of until that moment. “Kugah want a chance to fix things. I thought I wanted to fix myself, this body that isn’t mine, but I’m realising that the body I’m in doesn’t matter. It’s what I do with it that matters. And I can do good things, help people. I can’t make up for what I did. I can’t change the past, but I can do better in the future.”
Amelie stared at him. “And you think that’s what I should do? Keep working and trying to help people?”
Kugah nodded. “Amelie, gelp.”
“But I don’t know how!” Frustration welled up in Amelie’s voice. “I’m only one person, and I can’t be everywhere at once. I can’t save everyone.”
She dropped her head into her hands, and sobs wracked her body. “I can’t save them at all. There is no cure. They’re all going to die.”
Kugah stared at her for a moment, then put a hand awkwardly on her shoulder. He wanted to hold her, more than anything. He wanted to offer comfort and warmth. But a hard, armoured body had no comfort and warmth. It was a hollow protection. All it did was keep things out.
