Please Forgive Me

by Melissa Hill

  Following her shock at finding Billy in Andrea’s house, Leonie drove back to Dublin in a zombie-like trance, almost unable to contemplate what she’d discovered.

  And it was a discovery, not just a suspicion, because almost as soon as she’d walked into that room and seen Billy there …

  There was only one conclusion to come to.

  The guy hadn’t even noticed her lack of response, had barely acknowledged her presence actually. He was so immersed in the football there could have been an earthquake going off beneath him and he wouldn’t have realised.

  ‘Come on, mate, you don’t know what you’re doing!’ he’d remonstrated; arm out to the TV, the cigarette still dangling from his lips.

  Leonie had slowly left the room then, there didn’t seem any point in staying. Instead she went back outside and waited in the car for Suzanne. Clearly he wasn’t too concerned about anything other than the football, and looked to be right at home in Andrea’s front room. What was it that Suzanne had said?

  ‘He’s Mum’s boyfriend, but …they’re always fighting.’

  She gave a sideways glance at Suzanne, who was listening to her Ipod, not a care in the world. Did she know about this? Highly unlikely, as she would surely have said something before…

  Leonie felt nauseous as she drove along the N11, the beautiful blue sky and warm evening sunshine almost making a mockery of her feelings.

  But was she absolutely sure? She wondered now, trying to be rational for a second. Had her imagination really run away with her this time? After all, it would be crazy to just launch straight in with accusations if she wasn’t one hundred percent sure.

  So for argument’s sake, and especially before she confronted Adam, she needed to put the pieces together.

  She tried to figure it out, tried to think back on everything Adam had told her about his and Andrea’s previous relationship. OK, so according to him, they were together in the very early days of Suzanne’s life but split up completely when she was still a young baby. They’d had a fractious on-off relationship for a short time after that, but everything ended completely when Adam moved to the UK. That was the version she’d been given anyway, and as far as she was concerned there was no more to it.

  So what about Billy, she wondered, her thoughts going right back to the root of all this. Where and when did he come into it?

  ‘So where does Billy live, then?’ she asked Suzanne, when they’d returned to the apartment.

  The teenager was on the sofa watching TV and drinking Coke. She’d been quiet and rather subdued since their discussion earlier, and Leonie sensed that she was staying in to keep in her future step-mum’s good books, and especially in the hope that she wouldn’t tell tales to her dad. But Leonie wasn’t concerned about that now. She had much bigger fish to fry.

  Suzanne shrugged. ‘Some place in Wicklow town. I don’t know; I’ve never been there.’

  ‘But he stays at your house a lot too.’ He certainly seemed at home there anyway, despite the fact that the place was unoccupied.

  ‘Sometimes. But he goes away with his band a lot.’

  His band? Leonie raised an eyebrow. That certainly accounted for the scruffy, juvenile dress sense and dodgy hair!

  ‘He’s in a band? How exciting.’ She hated coaxing information out of the teenager like this; it seemed underhand somehow, but she needed to get a greater idea of what was going on in order to try and get her head around it.

  ‘I don’t think they’re very good though,’ Suzanne said, finishing her Coke. ‘They’ve been around forever and you never, like, see them on MTV or anything.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘And Billy’s always broke.’

  Leonie stood still, almost afraid to move. ‘Really?’ she said, wanted to draw out this particular line of conversation further.

  ‘Yeah.’ Suzanne picked up a cushion and plumped it up, before setting it down again. ‘It drives Mum crazy.’

  ‘I guess that’s not very helpful when she has to buy stuff for Hugo – and you of course.’

  ‘I know, especially when he’s always borrowing money off her too. He, like, never has money for anything. That’s how I know the band is rubbish,’ she finished, confident in this pronouncement.

  Again, Leonie’s heart began to race. ‘Your poor Mum; she must get tired of that sometimes,’ she said, trying to choose her words carefully.

  ‘She hates it, and they’re like, always fighting about it. I don’t know why she puts up with him really. I wouldn’t let a guy treat me like that.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like never bringing her out to dinner or giving her nice things, or anything. And sometimes he goes on tour for with the band for ages without telling her, and doesn’t, like, phone when he’s away.’ She rolled her eyes again. ‘But I guess she loves him, although I honestly don’t know why.’

  Leonie was getting a strange depiction of Andrea here, one totally at odds with the one she’d been familiar with up to now.

  ‘But you get on well with him all the same?’

  She shrugged. ‘He’s OK. I hate the way he always smells of smoke though, that’s really gross. And sometimes he gets drunk and acts like, totally brainless, kinda like some of the guys I know, even though he’s got no excuse ‘cos he’s supposed to be an adult.’

  ‘I hate the smell of smoke too,’ Leonie demurred, her heart sinking afresh as this entire situation gradually became clearer. Billy sounded like a complete and utter waster. He had no real job, drank and smoked like a trooper and was continuously cadging money off Andrea. Hardly the ideal father figure.

  ‘He’s a good dad to Hugo I’d imagine though?’ she let the question hang in the air for a while.

  ‘I guess. He doesn’t really take care of him though, not the way my dad takes care of me.’ She turned to look at Leonie, her expression so innocent and devoid of guile it was almost as if she’d morphed into a different person. ‘I know I’m really lucky he’s so nice to me, and I guess I don’t really show it all that it much.’

  Leonie tried to smile. ‘It’s OK, he knows you love him.’

  But once they’d moved on to the subject of Adam, she knew she’d have to put a stop to the conversation and soon. She couldn’t talk or even think about her fiancé just now.

  Not when her suspicions were being confirmed more and more as time went on.

  ***

  As expected Grace too was horrified. ‘Oh my goodness, are you absolutely sure about this?’ she said, white-faced when Leonie told her what she was thinking. ‘Because you need to be absolutely, one hundred percent sure before you say anything. I mean, if you just come right out and –’

  ‘Well, it’s impossible to be absolutely sure, but I’m about as sure as I can be,’ Leonie admitted, jadedly.

  It was mid-morning on Sunday, and they’d met up for brunch in a cafe on South Anne Street in town. After a full night spent tossing and turning and trying to figure out what to do next, Leonie was desperate to talk things through with someone before Adam returned later in the afternoon. Suzanne was again out meeting friends, so she’d phoned Grace for crisis talks.

  As it was a gloriously sunny day, they managed to bag an outside table under the heat lamps, and now Leonie stared unseeingly at passers-by as they strolled along the streets, enjoying a crisp, bright Sunday morning, seemingly without a care in the world.

  ‘And he’s in a band, Suzanne said?’ Grace said referring to Billy.

  ‘Yep, although not a very successful one if he keeps coming back to Andrea for handouts.’ She went on to recount everything else Suzanne had told her about the thus-far enigmatic Billy. ‘Lucky for them that Adam’s so generous, isn’t it?’

  ‘But what was he like?’ Grace asked, taking a bite out of her breakfast bagel. ‘I mean, apart from … Did he have any reaction to you being there or…?’

  ‘Are you mad? He barely even realised we were there, what with the football and the thick haze of smoke around the place. God only knows what he was smoking eit
her,’ she added in an aside.

  ‘But will he say anything to Andrea about you?’ she said, and Leonie realised what her friend was getting at.

  ‘I don’t think so. I doubt he even copped who I was, probably assumed I was just some friend of Suzanne’s. So no, I doubt he’s given her anything to worry about. Although I understand now why she was so keen before to keep him under wraps.’

  ‘Is it that obvious?’ Grace said sadly.

  Leonie sniffed, her eyes glittering. ‘Unfortunately, yes. I knew it as soon as I walked in the door. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m right, Grace.’

  ‘Well you have to be, don’t you?’

  ‘I just feel so stupid that I didn’t suspect anything before,’ she admitted to her friend, trying to bite back tears.

  ‘But how would you? You only knew as much as Adam had told you, and naturally enough you took that as gospel. Anyone would.’

  Leonie gulped back her coffee. ‘I know but with Andrea, I always knew there was something not quite right, something I just couldn’t put my finger on. It didn’t help that I disliked her on sight – well before actually – and especially hated the way she had Adam wrapped around her little finger. And still has obviously,’ she finished with some bitterness.

  ‘So what are you going to do?’ Grace asked the question that Leonie had spent the night asking herself over and over. ‘How are you going to approach this?’

  ‘I don’t know yet,’ she said in a low voice. ‘Obviously I can’t let Andrea – ‘

  ‘This isn’t just about Andrea though, is it?’ Grace pointed out. ‘That’s what you have to consider.’

  ‘I know.’

  Pausing briefly to eat their food, they were both silent for a few moments, while Leonie considered the enormity of everything she’d learned over the last twenty-four hours. And just when she and Adam were supposedly back on track and she’d turned some kind of corner with Suzanne…

  ‘To be honest, I’m still reeling over Suzanne’s admission about her being on the pill,’ she said to Grace then. ‘It just seems so sad to me, and I can’t figure out how any mother could allow – ‘

  ‘Ah Leonie come off it,’ Grace interjected in no-nonsense tone. ‘I don’t think any mother actually allows something like that. Suzanne might seem too young in our eyes but she’s big and bold enough to be responsible for her own actions, and in fairness to Andrea, wagon or not,’ she added sardonically, ‘at least she’s making sure the girl is being responsible about it. I know she’s barely fifteen, and believe me, I’d hate to think that my two would be up to divilment at that age, but if they are, then there’s not a whole lot I can do about it other than encourage them to be responsible too.’

  ‘She’s hardly a great role model herself, is she?’ Leonie said dourly, ‘Considering.’

  ‘Clearly not, but - ’

  ‘Ah, don’t tell me you’re sticking up for her…’

  ‘I’m not sticking up for her at all. To be honest, I think she’s an absolute bitch, but at the end of the day she’s also a mother.’ Grace picked at the remains of her bagel. ‘And like any of us, maybe she was only trying to do her best for her kids.’

  Leonie’s mouth dropped open. ‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this! Now you’re trying to justify her behaviour?’

  This wasn’t what she’d expected at all, especially not from Grace, who knew almost as much about and the Adam and Andrea situation as Leonie herself. How could she even think about defending her in this situation? And even worse, how could she not by completely horrified by the woman’s carry-on?

  ‘Of course I’m not trying to justify it,’ Grace said. ‘Believe me, I’m just as appalled as you are. A woman who could do something like that…’ she shook her head in bewilderment, ‘it’s disgusting, no matter what the circumstances. But I suppose I’m also just trying to play devil’s advocate. This is a dangerous situation Leonie, and you need to be very sure you have your facts right before you go shooting your mouth off to Adam. Have you made up your mind about what to say to him?’

  Leonie’s heart sank at the mention of his name. ‘Not really.’ She gave a watery smile. ‘There’s a small side of me that wonders if I should just carry on and say nothing, but I know I can’t do that.’

  ‘But you do realise that whatever you do say is going to have enormous repercussions on the two of you as a couple, don’t you?’

  She bit her lip. ‘I know.’

  Leonie knew exactly what Grace meant. After this, her and Adam’s relationship (if there was one) would never be the same again. But at the same time, she also knew that she had to do what she believed was the right thing.

  Regardless of the consequences.

  ***

  ‘Adam, I need to talk to you about something.’

  It was late that same afternoon, and Adam was just home from his team-building weekend away. He’d arrived back at the apartment in great form, full of chat about it all and when soon afterwards, Andrea called to pick up Suzanne and the two were one again alone, Leonie decided she couldn’t put this off any longer.

  ‘Sure, what’s up?’ he said easily, his mouth full of chocolate M&Ms. ‘God, I’m starving – will we order in tonight or…hey what’s the matter?’

  Leonie kneaded her hands together, and perched herself alongside him on the armrest of the sofa. ‘Look, before we start, I want you to know that I’ve thought long and hard about this,’ she began, her mouth drying up all of a sudden. ‘You’re my fiancé and I love you but – ‘

  ‘Hey, hey, what’s all this about?’ he asked again, his carefree expression vanishing as he realised she was being serious. ‘What’s going on, Lee? Did something happen while I was away?’

  ‘No, no, it’s nothing like that. Suzanne was fine.’ She was quick to reassure him. ‘It’s just that…’ Now that she’d started, she wasn’t sure of the best way to approach this. Should she just come right out and say it? No, she couldn’t do that, not with something like this … ‘Can I just ask you a couple of questions first?’ she asked then. ‘Just so I can get a few things straight in my head.’

  Adam looked perplexed. ‘What kind of questions?’ he said, sitting forward. ‘Leonie, you’re kind of freaking me out here, to be honest.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to – it’s just… Well, I just wanted to ask a couple of things about you and Andrea. I mean, I know you told me all about it before but –’

  ‘Is that what this is?’ he interjected, his blue eyes twinkling with amusement. ‘Are you jealous of Andrea? OK so I might have spent a lot of time down in Wicklow recently, and I wouldn’t blame you for feeling a little peeved about that in the circumstances. I know what ye women are like and Andrea did say…’

  ‘Said what?’ Leonie asked shortly, wrong-footed. Now what had the conniving little wagon been saying behind her back? Bloody hell, was there no end to her scheming?

  ‘You really can’t stand her, can you?” he said. ‘OK, I know dealing with her isn’t exactly a bed of roses but -’

  ‘I don’t hate Andrea,’ Leonie assured him, lying through her teeth. ‘And despite what you think I’m not jealous of her either. This is about something else entirely.’

  Adam frowned in confusion, but she could tell she had his full attention. ‘Go on.’

  But by now, Leonie was no longer sure whether she should go on. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said backing off, ‘I just wanted to clear up a couple of things in my head, that’s all.’ She walked away from him towards the kitchen.

  ‘About me and Andrea?’

  ‘Yes, but it doesn’t matter,’ she said with a carefree wave of her arm. ‘We’ll talk about it some other time. Do you fancy a cuppa?’

  ‘No, it does matter, Lee.’ He stood up and followed her into the kitchen. ‘I want to know what’s bothering you about Andrea and what I can do to set it right. Look, I’ll admit I was very much into her way back when. But I was twenty years old Leonie, and it didn’t take me that long to get over her
– especially when I moved to London.’ He shook his head and smiled. ‘But then, when I found out she was pregnant – with my baby – well my first reaction was complete and utter shock.’

  ‘And how did you find out about the pregnancy?’ Leonie asked him. ‘You never told me that.’

  Adam leaned against the countertop. ‘Andrea got in touch. She’d heard through a few friends that I was back home for the weekend, and she phoned me up and arranged a meeting. She was quite a way gone at that stage, so as you can imagine, I was a bit…well floored.’ He looked at her. ‘But look, as I said, that was years ago, a lifetime ago almost. Even though we got back together, there really was nothing between me and Andrea back then, and there isn’t anything now either. It’s all about Suzanne.’

  Of course it is, Leonie reflected.

  ‘I believe you,’ she said in the most neutral tone she could muster. ‘But was there any particular reason why she hadn’t let you know about the pregnancy before then?’

  ‘Well, because she couldn’t, I suppose,’ he said shrugging. ‘I moved to London shortly after we split up, and we hadn’t kept in contact. So she moved on with her life and I with mine until …’

  ‘And hadn’t she started seeing someone else in the meantime?’ Leonie asked, relieved that Adam had now more or less taken the lead in the conversation. ‘When you found out about Suzanne I mean?’

  ‘As far as I remember yes, she’d taken up with Billy again not long after I left.’

  Leonie nodded. She took out a mug and put a teabag in it. ‘So were you surprised when she told you about Suzanne?’

  ‘Well that’s a weird question – of course! Imagine someone telling you out of the blue that you’re going to be a father! I felt pretty damn guilty too, I can tell you. Look, where is all this going?’ he asked again, sounding more than a tad impatient now. ‘Is this about maintenance again? I guess I thought we’d worked all that out…’

  ‘I’m just curious that’s all,’ Leonie said, and she supposed this was partly the truth.

  ‘Yeah, it was a strange time, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ He smiled. ‘Suzanne’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me Lee; the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.’