Please Forgive Me

by Melissa Hill

  Jon was silent for a while, and then he exhaled deeply. ‘I guess I should have seen this coming. OK, so maybe I can appreciate you needing some time. I just don’t know why you’re wasting it on that -’

  ‘Thank you Jon, I really appreciate that, and once the divorce comes through, I promise you all of this will be sorted out once and for all.’

  That had been a few days ago and for everyone’s sake, Alex hoped this was true.

  Now in the hospital, she turned to look at Seth.

  ‘I almost forgot to tell you, we finally found Nathan,’ she said, having spoken briefly to Helena that evening before heading to the hospital. The older woman had phoned to let the girls know that she’d been in contact with the Reed family who’d told her Nathan was now based in San Jose, and she was making arrangements to pay him a visit as soon as it could be arranged.

  Upon reading the letters, Helena had been overjoyed and heartbroken in equal measures. Understandably, she’d also been taken aback by the dept of Nathan’s sincerity.

  ‘I had absolutely no idea he felt this way,’ she confided to Alex. ‘I’d always assumed he just forgot all about me, and got on with the rest of life. It’s terrible to think that it all got to him so much. And with all those terrible things he was going through….’

  Thinking now about the older couple’s impending reunion, Alex found herself oddly envious of Nathan and Helena. Would she ever find someone whose love for her dominated his thoughts for almost half a century? Hardly likely, she thought with a wan smile, when she couldn’t even dominate her own husband’s thoughts for half a year!

  ‘That’s great. I’m sure Leonie’s pleased,’ her ex replied, his voice still dry and raspy.

  ‘Oh she certainly is.’ Upon hearing Helena’s update, Leonie had predictably been over the moon at the prospect of their reunion.

  ‘It’s kind of awe-inspiring though, isn’t it?’ Seth said. ‘To think that after all these years his love letters will finally be answered …’

  ‘Yeah well, who knows how it’ll go – give them a few days in each other’s company and maybe they’ll end up killing each other,’ Alex countered, unable to help herself.

  Seth looked at her. ‘Was what I did so bad that it made you that cynical?’ he asked, his voice tinged with sadness, and Alex could have guessed that the conversation would inevitably come round to this.

  ‘Seth, let’s not do this now, OK?’ she said, wishing he’d go back to making stupid jokes about his situation. But no such luck.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, almost out of the blue. ‘About back then, I mean.’

  ‘I know what you meant,’ she replied in a quiet voice.

  ‘I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t come home that night because you were so angry with me, yet it was the wrong thing to do because no matter I how much I tried to convince you I hadn’t done anything wrong, you just wouldn’t believe me.’

  ‘Seth,’ Alex began tiredly. ‘Why can’t you just admit once and for all that you cheated on me? Why keep insisting otherwise?’

  ‘Because I’d be lying.’

  He stared right at her then and with a start, Alex wondered if he might actually be sincere. They’d talked a lot in this room over the last while, really talked and once Seth gradually dropped the cocky bravado act, she began to remember exactly why she’d fallen in love with him back them. Now, her heart began to hammer against her chest.

  ‘What?’ she whispered.

  ‘I never cheated on you Alex. I swear on my life, my family, the Mustang, everything I hold dear that nothing happened with that girl. Sure, we were fooling around when you walked in to the bar but it was just stupid flirting and nothing was ever going to come of it. Look,’ he continued solemnly. ‘At the time, you and I were only just married and I guess I didn’t properly understand what that meant, I was just being my usual dumb, immature - ’

  ‘Don’t forget selfish and pigheaded.’

  ‘If you say so yeah,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I’ll admit I was selfish and stupid and crazy, all the things I wish I wasn’t. But it was only when you’d kicked me out that I realised how serious it was, but by then you wouldn’t even let me explain.’

  ‘Because to me there was no explanation,’ Alex countered. ‘You lied to me about where you were going that night, so why on earth did you think I’d believe you about anything else. It’s not like life is like some big game, and you can make up your own rules! OK, maybe I believe you when you say you made a mistake but –’

  ‘Alex, my biggest mistake was lying to you about where I’d been. But that was my only mistake, I swear to you.’

  ‘No….’ she protested unable to take this in. ‘That doesn’t make sense. You must have done something. Why else would you have stayed out all night, or moved out when I asked you to? Why would you let me believe –?’

  ‘Alex, my Dad always told me that when you come up against an immoveable object, eventually you’ve got to stop pushing.’

  She was so stunned she couldn’t think of anything to say.

  ‘And boy were you immoveable!’ Seth smiled and shook his head, but Alex could see in his eyes that he too had been wounded by what had happened back then. ‘All that stuff about you never being able to trust me, and how you’d expected it all along. How was I supposed to deal with that? The more I denied it, the angrier you became, so eventually I figured I’d just leave you be for a while, that maybe when we’d spent some time apart and you calmed down I could convince you that you had it all wrong. But then, a few weeks later you hit me with the divorce thing and -’

  ‘You decided to take off.’

  He shrugged. ‘I couldn’t think of anything else to do. You wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even see me…’

  Alex laughed humourlessly. ‘Well, you and Leonie sure have a lot in common,’ she said. ‘When did running away ever solve anything?’

  Seth gave her a studied look. ‘It might not have solved anything, but it kept us married, didn’t it?’

  She felt a lump in her throat. ‘Seth…’

  ‘Look Alex, you know I don’t want us to get divorced – I never did. That’s mostly the reason I made sure you couldn’t find me.’

  ‘But a whole year…’

  ‘I know. I never planned to stay away that long, believe me. It’s just…well it was good just being home on the ranch for a while and out in the open with the horses. Then when one of the guys told me he was heading on down to Florida for the summer, I figured I’d tag along and maybe stay for a couple of weeks tops, but that too turned into longer than planned. I knew I’d have to make my way back eventually though. And that’s what I was doing when I bumped into you in Monterey.’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have let things go on for so long,’ he went on, and Alex pretended not to have heard the catch in his voice. ‘All I know is that I love you like crazy, and this last year has been hell without you.’

  There was a long silence that neither one of them seemed to want to fill.

  Then Seth met her gaze. ‘You said something before about my not being a saint down in Miami? Well, you were wrong.’

  She gave him a sceptical look.

  ‘Believe what you like but I wasn’t interested. Thinking back, I wasn’t in the least bit interested in her either, but she was coming on strong and it was almost like I was on autopilot – ‘

  ‘OK, I don’t think I need to hear the details,’ Alex interjected quickly. But she was floored by the idea that Seth hadn’t been screwing around in Miami, and while she was still undecided about back then, he seemed so sincere and determined that she almost believed him.

  ‘So I guess what I’m saying is, I never broke that marriage vow,’ he added his voice wavering. ‘Never.’

  But, Alex realised with a start, I did.

  Seth seemed to read her thoughts. ‘Is he worth it?’

  She didn’t reply – not knowing what to say or even think.

  ‘Hell Alex,
I know you, and I also know that you and Mr Stuffed-Shirt aren’t right together. He’s just some guy who takes you out, buys you things and makes you feel good. But he won’t make you happy in the long run.’

  ‘And you can?’

  ‘Damn right I can! And I will, if you’d just give me the chance.’

  Alex gulped. No, he was wrong about Jon. She’d only ever held back on sleeping with him because she kept telling herself she couldn’t do it when she was still married to Seth.

  But had it been less about principles and maybe more about getting even? Nevertheless, if Seth was telling the truth then in the end it was she who had ended up breaking their marriage vows.

  And Alex didn’t know how she felt about that.

  ‘This is all such a mess,’ she said, her voice breaking. Her feelings about Jon notwithstanding, there could simply be no going back with Seth, because if she allowed herself to even contemplate trying again and moving on, the infidelity – her infidelity would always be there in the background like some huge blot on a page.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her eyes filling with tears, as she studied her ex, bruised and broken on the bed. ‘This is just too hard. I don’t know what to say, or what to think now. For what it’s worth … I think I believe you when you say that you didn’t cheat on me, but Seth, it’s too late.’

  ‘We could call the lawyers -’

  ‘That’s not what I meant. So much has happened…everything’s a mess. We can’t go back, not now. And then there’s Jon….’

  ‘I know,’ he said wearily and Alex realised that he understood her dilemma more than she realised.

  The two again remained silent for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts, until eventually he spoke again. ‘I guess you could say we both messed up then, didn’t we?’

  She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

  Seth sighed and looked away. ‘Well, if you really want to end this marriage,’ he finished, sounding well and truly defeated, ‘then this time, I promise I won’t stop you.’

  Chapter 35

  The following day at Flower Power was a busy one. It was almost June, Mother’s Day was, just around the corner and hoards of customers were getting their bouquet orders in early.

  Marcy had put Leonie in charge of taking in the new stock out back while she served up front, which meant that she could only relate to her boss in snippets all that had happened over the last few days.

  While she was thrilled that she’d uncovered the truth behind the letters and a reunion between Helena and Nathan was now on the cards, in all honesty, she now felt oddly bereft that the situation was by all accounts finished with. This…quest (or whatever it was) had kept her so occupied over the last few months that she wasn’t sure what to do with her time now.

  Although she really shouldn’t complain considering that poor Alex had plenty to contend with at the moment, what with trying to juggle her obligations towards Seth throughout his recuperation, and trying to get to grips with her feelings for Jon. Leonie thought it had been very generous and mature of him to give Alex the headspace she needed until the divorce came through and …

  ‘Leonie, can you take a call?’ Marcy called from out front.

  ‘Sure.’ Probably Alex, or maybe even Grace she thought, wiping her hands on a cloth. She’d called her friend from home first thing that morning but hadn’t got a reply.

  But it seemed not. ‘Some guy about an order,’ her boss said handing her the phone. ‘Asked for the redhead he was speaking to before, so I guess that must be you,’ she stated blithely before going on to serve another customer.

  Leonie picked up the phone; faintly disappointed it wasn’t Grace. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, I’m sorry, I can’t quite remember your name, is it Laura or Leah something like that?’ The voice was low, and to Leonie, sounded a bit muffled although it could just be a bad line. ‘I spoke to you the other day.’

  ‘It’s Leonie,’ she said pleasantly. ‘How can I help you?’

  ‘Well, this is a bit embarrassing,’ the man began, his voice hesitant, and she deduced that he was speaking quietly for fear of being overheard. ‘I was looking for some advice on a bouquet for my fiancée.’

  ‘Sure.’ Leonie couldn’t remember speaking specifically to this person, but then again why would she? She spoke to lots of different customers every day. ‘What would you like?’

  ‘Um, well it’s sort of complicated,’ he said, and again the voice was so low it almost sounded like he was speaking through a gag or something.

  ‘Complicated.’

  ‘Yes. You know the way flowers have meanings? Well, I want to pass on a particular message but I’m not sure what flowers to use.’

  ‘Oh, I get it.’ Poor guy, he was obviously trying to arrange something special for this woman. A proposal perhaps? Although he had already mentioned that she was his fiancée so… ‘Yes, some flowers do have symbolic meanings, but I would say the majority of people only know the usual ones, like red roses for love, or lilies for sympathy, that kind of thing. What message were you hoping to get across?’

  ‘Forgiveness, actually,’ he replied and at this, Leonie had to smile. Wow, there must be something in the air! But she probably should have suspected as much given that according to Marcy the two main reasons men sent flowers were to either impress or apologise!

  She thought hard, trying to recall from memory the flower symbolising forgiveness – wasn’t it something purple; violets or lilac, maybe? While she’d learnt a lot about flowers over the last few months, she really couldn’t be certain about this, so she thought she’d better ask Marcy.

  ‘Hold on a moment and I’ll check,’ she said, putting her hand over the mouthpiece. Luckily her boss was free, having since finished with her customer. ‘Marcy, what’s the forgiveness flower – you know, the one that means I’m sorry?’

  ‘Purple hyacinth,’ her boss replied without even having to think about it, which made Leonie suspect she’d come across this particular request more than once!

  Still smiling, she spoke into the receiver. ‘It’s purple hyacinth,’ she told the caller. ‘Would you like us to incorporate it into a bouquet with some other more complimentary flowers, or just a simple hyacinth arrangement with perhaps a few greens?’

  ‘I’m not sure. Whatever is most likely to get the message across, really.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Leonie tried to reassure him. ‘I’m sure your fiancée will accept your apology no matter what way you send them. And if she’s not sure of the symbolism, you can always put the message on the card.’

  ‘No, no, I don’t want to apologise to her,’ the man disputed, and this time Leonie got the faintest hint of an accent, was it Irish? ‘That’s not what I meant.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand. The flowers aren’t intended to make up with someone?’

  ‘They are, but it’s for something she’s done, not me.’ Suddenly the voice was no longer stifled and was now coming through clear as day. And right then Leonie understood why it had been disguised from the very beginning. ‘I was upset for a while, but now I want to let her know that I’m over it now, and everything is OK.’

  Her heart began pounding like a racehorse and the receiver shook in her hand. ‘What?’ she breathed into the mouthpiece, not daring to believe what she was hearing, or more importantly, whom she was talking to.

  ‘I got the letter. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me, and the flowers are to let her know in turn that I forgive her.’

  Leonie closed her eyes, trying to get a hold of herself. Could this really be…?

  Noticing her change of mood, or more likely her shell-shocked expression, Marcy came over. ‘Everything all right?’ she asked.

  Leonie nodded wordlessly.

  Adam’s voice was now clearly audible over the line and she couldn’t understand why she hadn’t recognised it immediately. ‘So, do you understand what I’m trying to say?’

  ‘Yes,’ she breathed, as te
ars pricked at the corner of her eyes.

  By now, Marcy was staring at her, perplexed. ‘What’s going on?’

  And suddenly before Leonie’s watery eyes, Adam himself appeared out front, mobile phone in hand and smiling at her through the glass.

  For a second, she wondered if she might be dreaming, but then just as quickly and almost certainly instinctively, Leonie bolted out the door and practically launched herself at the love of her life.

  They held onto each another for a long time, Leonie hugging him to her as if he might disappear as easily as he’d materialised, before she finally drew back and looked at him. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘What do you think I’m doing?’ he laughed. It had been so long since she’d seen that smile and she wanted to kiss every inch of it. But at the same time, some restraint was in order, at least until she knew the full reasons for his being here. ‘Didn’t you get all that on the phone? Or do I really need to send a bouquet?’

  ‘But when did you…? I mean, how did you…?’ Then she understood, and her lips pursed in automatic disapproval. ‘Grace.’

  ‘Now, before you jump to any conclusions, she said absolutely nothing of her own free will. Not that you’d do anything like that – jump to conclusions I mean,’ he teased and Leonie turned pink. ‘But before we get into this, I think it’s only fair you put your woman there out of her misery,’ he added, looking past her shoulder to where Marcy was watching, open-mouthed.

  Going back inside, Leonie quickly made introductions, and a rather half-hearted attempt at an explanation.

  ‘Hey, I recognise you,’ Marcy said eyeing Adam suspiciously. ‘You were here yesterday weren’t you?’

  Adam shrugged and looked at Leonie. ‘I thought you might be working, but she said it was your day off.’