by M. S. Parker
I wasn't about to try to explain to Edwin, however, that his dad was a child molester and rapist. Somehow, I doubted that would do any good.
I could hear Edwin behind me and, suddenly, my throat began to close up, my chest tighten until I was gasping for breath. The memory of the huntsman came over me and I stumbled. I felt my knees hit the ground with a jolt, my palms scraping across the cement. I was vaguely aware of my head hitting the sidewalk with a thud, but I couldn't see anything but the memory.
I heard Edwin catch up to me, felt him kicking and hitting. Felt a hand grabbing at my breast. I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was frozen, helpless, caught in a memory even worse than the violence being done to me now. I heard voices and Edwin was suddenly gone, but it didn't matter. I was trapped and I always would be. I couldn't run far or fast enough to get away.
I woke suddenly and it took a minute for me to remember where I was. I'd curled up into a ball at some point and my muscles were clenched and stiff. I winced as I stretched back out on the couch, knocking my file to the floor. I didn't pick it up yet, still processing my dream.
I hadn't thought of Edwin in a long time. He hadn't been the first or the last to bully me or call me names because of what had happened. Kids tended to be either overwhelmingly kind or overwhelmingly cruel. Unfortunately, most of my encounters had been with the latter. Edwin had, however, been the only one whose father I'd sent to jail. I'd pestered Lily until she'd revealed to me which one Edwin's dad had been and I didn't feel so bad anymore. He hadn't been the worst, but he'd certainly been bad enough.
I'd been pulled out of that school shortly after the incident because even though Edwin had been suspended for what he'd done, he'd be back and everyone had agreed that it'd be best if I wasn't there when it happened. I'd ended up with a concussion, three cracked ribs and more bruises than I'd been able to count, but I'd been the one who'd had to leave.
That had been the moment I'd truly understood that, even though I'd been the victim, there would always be those who'd blame me for what had happened. And that, no matter what anyone told me, a part of me would always blame myself.
I picked up the folder. I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep tonight. I supposed I might as well do something useful.
Chapter 10
I'd completely forgotten that Friday was Valentine's Day until I decided that I needed to burn off some excess energy on a run. The moment I stepped outside the apartment building, I'd been assaulted by the sight of pink balloons and red roses and those stupid heart-shaped boxes of candy. Couples were everywhere I looked. Strolling across the CSU campus. Holding hands as they waited at the bus stop. Kissing while they stood on the sidewalk.
I took my normal route through the Colorado State campus, grateful for the ever vigilant grounds crew who kept the sidewalks well-salted. Before I was halfway through, however, I realized that a run wasn't going to work. I needed to hit something.
I tried not to look at the flyers posted up all around campus. Valentine's Day dinners, parties, sales. A couple anti-Valentine's parties. Singles parties. It was pretty much pointless unless I spent the entire run staring at my tennis shoes, and that was a surefire way to run straight into someone or something. So I kept my head up and tried not to think about the fact that the man I wanted to be with today was most likely with someone else.
I tried to comfort myself by pretending that he could possibly just be out drinking with Zeke and would go home alone and drunk. I knew better though. Rylan was gorgeous and Zeke would try to encourage him to get over me as quickly as possible, which meant, drunk or not, Rylan's best friend would most likely be pushing him at any woman he could find. And if Rylan was hurt or indifferent, he might go through with it.
As I rounded back on my apartment, I made a decision and ran past my building. Energy wasn't the only thing I needed to burn off. Beneath all the hurt and pain I'd been dealing with was anger. I'd kept it there, bubbling below the surface, and all of this romantic shit going on had brought it to a boil. I needed to hit something before I snapped and took things out on a person.
Not surprisingly, the gym was fairly empty, a clear reminder that most people were out with their significant others tonight, but at least there weren't any decorations or flyers for romantic dates or singles' parties. I headed for the locker room and exchanged my sweats for a pair of shorts. When I came back out, the only person left was the owner, Roger, and he was sitting in his office, half-asleep from the looks of it.
I didn't bother with a warm-up. The run had been enough for that. I ignored the small bag and went straight for the big one, not bothering with finesse. I pummeled the bag, reveling in the stinging pain going through my knuckles. They'd be bruised tomorrow, most likely, but I didn't care. I wanted to feel something physical rather than this emotional shit I'd been dealing with.
Sweat poured down my face and I wiped it with my arm and kept going. I could feel my hair coming loose from my ponytail and the strands stuck to my forehead and cheeks. My muscles began to burn and I hit harder. I wanted to wear myself out tonight. I'd finished off the sleeping pills I'd bought and I didn't want to go back for more. I didn't want to rely on them anymore than I wanted to rely on a person. I'd beaten back the demons before and I'd do it again. And compared to everything else, what had happened with Rylan was nothing.
I winced as I hit the bag even harder and a shock of pain vibrated up my arm. No thinking about Rylan or anyone else. I had a new job and I was moving on.
By the time I finished and headed to the shower, I'd almost convinced myself. I had to change back into my sweats so showering was pointless, but I didn't want to go back out in the cold as I was, so I took the time to clean off, promising myself a long, hot bath and maybe some quality fantasy time to finish things off. That last one I wasn't too sure about because I definitely didn't want to risk Rylan creeping into my thoughts again, especially not then.
I debated whether or not to get a cab or head to the bus stop, but in the end, I decided to walk. It wasn't far and a cool down would probably be good. If I sat down right away, there was always the possibility of my muscles stiffening.
I walked at a leisurely pace, letting my mind wander, afraid that if I tried to focus on one thing, I'd be locked onto something I'd rather not think about. I made my way around the few people who were out and about, ignoring the fact that they were mostly couples. I was paying so little attention that I almost didn't hear someone call my name.
“Jenna!”
I sighed as I recognized the voice. I turned, a fake smile already in place. “Emmaline.”
“I'm surprised to see you.” She smiled at me, but the look in her turquoise eyes was anything but friendly. “I thought you'd moved.”
I blinked. Was that what Rylan had been telling people? “No, I'm still in Fort Collins. For now.” I added the last bit almost as an afterthought. I hadn't yet decided for sure if I was going to move or not, but I was sure I could count on Emmaline to make sure Rylan heard that I was thinking about it.
“Couldn't handle the pressure?” Her grin widened. “I can understand that. Not everyone's cut out to work at Archer Enterprises.”
“It was good seeing you, Emmaline,” I lied. “If you'll excuse me...” I made as if to step around her.
“Hot date tonight?” she asked. “Not as hot as mine, I'm sure, but not many guys are as hot as Rylan, wouldn't you agree?”
I stopped, my heart turning to ice. I didn't look at her, unsure if I could control my expression enough to keep her from seeing how much her words had cut me. Rylan had taken Emmaline out on Valentine's Day. I didn't want to believe it. Surely he couldn't have gotten over me that quickly. And even if he had, I didn't think he would've gone for Emmaline. He wasn't attracted to her...or was he? Had he been thinking about her when we'd been together...I gave myself a mental shake. I wasn't going to think that. My memories of my time with Rylan were all I had. I wasn't about to spoil them with speculation.
“Is that
the real reason you left?” Emmaline asked, her voice full of venom. “Made a pass at the boss and he rejected you? Probably even dyed your hair because you thought it might make him see you as something other than a freak.”
I started to turn towards her, unsure of what I would say, but certain that she wouldn't like it. Before I could open my mouth, however, I heard a sharp intake of breath from my other side and knew who it was before I even looked that way.
Rylan stood in the doorway of a little restaurant. He held a purse in his hand and, as I watched, Emmaline walked over to him and took the purse. She shot me a smug look as she wrapped her arm around Rylan's. I saw him start to speak and knew I didn't want to hear what he had to say.
“Excuse me,” I muttered as I walked past them without a second glance at either of them. I felt sick to my stomach. This was what I'd wanted, I told myself, for him to move on. I'd just never thought he'd move on with her. It wasn't my business though. He was free to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted.
Chapter 11
By late afternoon the next day, I knew I couldn't concentrate on my work. I kept seeing Rylan with Emmaline. The smug smile on her face and the way she'd been practically preening. The shock on Rylan's face when he'd seen me. And then had come my overactive imagination – or maybe not so overactive since I had nothing to tell me that my thoughts were out of line. I'd seen him kissing her, cupping the back of her head, hand tightening on her waist. They'd go back to his place, of course. Sometimes I saw them in the playroom, Rylan tying Emmaline up, a pleased look on his face when he realized he didn't have to be worried about her freaking out. Worse were the images of him taking her into his bedroom, his bed, making love to her slow and sweet.
He'd moved on, that much was obvious. I closed my laptop with a little more force than necessary and leaned back on the couch with a sigh. Why was I sitting here, alone, throwing myself into work, while he was most likely with Emmaline again? Maybe with someone else. He hadn't exactly been monogamous before we'd started our relationship. It didn't matter. He wasn't with me.
So why the hell was I sitting around my apartment on a Saturday, wondering how I was going to make it through the weekend without wanting to pull my hair out? Work most likely would've been the answer, but I didn't want to work. I wanted to show Rylan that I could move on too, even if he never knew it.
I stood and went into my bedroom. Black miniskirt, tight silver halter top that made my light gray eyes look almost silver themselves. Knee high, heeled leather boots. Black silk panties and matching strapless bra. Once I'd dressed, I went to the mirror and began on the make-up. I'd worn very little when I'd been with Rylan, but I applied it now like I had before. Heavy eye shadow and eyeliner. Lipstick and a touch of rouge. After a moment, I reached into my jewelry box and pulled out my eyebrow ring. The hole hadn't closed up yet and it went back into place easily. The bellybutton one was a bit tight, but there wasn't any blood, so I figured I was good there too.
I looked in the mirror for the full effect. Aside from the hair, I looked like the same person I'd been before I'd met Rylan. That was fine with me. Perfect, actually. I wanted to be that person again. Safe behind my piercings and clothes, behind my attitude. I could dye the hair again, and I would as soon as I decided what color I wanted it to be. I'd never have to think of that dark-haired girl again, never have to talk about my experiences. I would be only Jenna, loner, computer tech. No relationships, no attachments.
I swallowed hard and shoved down all of the emotions that wanted to make themselves known. I'd been fine before and I'd be fine again. I didn't need to be happy. Content was more than I'd ever counted on.
Fort Collins wasn't exactly a party school, but there were a couple of clubs and I caught a bus to the one furthest from my apartment. I paid the cover charge and stepped inside, letting the pulsing music and flashing lights wash over me. It had been a while, but I was confident I could slip back into my old skin.
I made my way down to the dance floor. I didn't want a drink, not wanting to risk doing something stupid. Fucking a random stranger wasn't exactly the smartest thing to do, but doing it too drunk to be in control was definitely stupid.
I started to dance alone, hands above my head, body moving to the rhythm of the music. My hips swayed and I let the music carry me. My eyes stayed open, however. The press of bodies around me wasn't too much for me to handle, especially not moving like this, but I had no one around I trusted enough to watch my back if I closed my eyes. I didn't want to remember that there was only one person I trusted that much to begin with.
I caught a glimpse of a figure turned towards me, a flash of white teeth. A distraction, excellent. The young man who made his way over to me looked like he was probably my age or a bit younger. Probably a CSU student. He was taller than me, but not by a lot, maybe a hair under six feet. His body was lean, but he didn't have that gangly look of a kid who hadn't quite grown into himself.
“Chad,” he yelled above the music. Or it might've been Brad or Thad, but I didn't really care enough to ask again.
“Jenna,” I shouted back.
He grinned and nodded, though I was willing to bet he called me Jen or Jenny at some point tonight, if he remembered my name at all. We began to dance together, learning the rhythm of the other's body. He didn't touch me, but our bodies were close, separated by less than an inch, the heat between us easily felt.
“Want a drink?” he asked, jerking his thumb towards the bar in case I hadn't been able to hear his question.
I shook my head. I always got my own drinks, and I never left my glass unattended. Again, I knew where the stupid line was. After two more songs, I was ready for something and gave Chad / Brad / Thad a smile before heading towards the bar. As I'd hoped, he followed. I got a bottle of water and settled on a chair, waiting while he ordered.
We didn't do much small talk, though I did make sure to clarify that his name was indeed Chad, and then he asked me back to his place. He was a CSU student but had off-campus housing in an apartment building just a couple blocks from the club.
“Perfect,” I said, standing back up again. “Let's go.”
He led the way and it was cold enough that I didn't have to worry about him trying to hold hands or anything romantic while we walked. Both of us kept our hands tucked into our pockets and I wished I'd worn a longer skirt or at least some stockings. The few inches of leg between my boots and the hem of my skirt were freezing by the time we reached Chad's building.
He was on the second floor, so we took the stairs, the climb warming me slightly as we paused in front of his door. With the thaw came the butterflies in my stomach. I frowned. There was no reason for me to be nervous. I'd done things like this dozens of times before.
“Just toss your coat wherever,” he said as we stepped inside.
I hung my coat over the back of a nearby chair as I looked around the apartment. It was smaller than mine, but not by much, and clearly a bachelor pad. Clothes and empty beer cans cluttered the floor and furniture. Everything except the electronics looked second-hand. His television and massive gaming system were clearly brand new.
“You want something to drink?” he asked. “I mean, I don't have much, but I've got beer.”
“No thank you.” I walked over to the couch, but didn't sit down. My nerves were strung tight and I just wanted to get this over with.
I supposed that was a good attitude to have since that's how I'd always felt before. Sex was an itch to scratch, not a connection to be made. I'd let myself forget that over the last few months. It was time I remembered again. I might not have been aroused, but I needed to remind myself of how this should be.
His eyes darkened. They were hazel, I saw. His hair brown. Lighter than I'd originally thought. Not that I'd particularly been paying attention. He had the right build and a place we could be alone. That was good enough.
“Eager to get to it, are you?” He walked over to me and I could smell the sweat and alcohol from the cl
ub. It wasn't exactly unpleasant, but I couldn't help but compare it to the memory of Rylan's scent.
I didn't want to think about Rylan, and I didn't want to hear Chad talk anymore.
I reached up and grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him down until our mouths touched. I felt a moment of surprise and then he kissed me back. His hands went around my waist as he pushed his tongue between my lips. I opened my mouth and slid my tongue alongside his. I could taste the tequila he'd drank earlier.
I felt his hand pull up the back of my shirt, the heat of his fingers against my bare skin. I should have felt something. A tingle, at least a pleasurable sensation. All I felt was fingers on skin. It was almost clinical.
His hand slid higher and I felt him fiddling with my bra clasp. I shifted without thinking about it, and he ran his hand around my side, cupping my breast over my bra. His fingers tightened almost painfully, and not in the good kind of way. He ground his hips against me and I could feel his cock hardening. He didn't feel particularly big or small, but it didn't do anything for me.
In fact, none of this was doing anything. He wasn't a bad kisser, but there was none of the physical thrill that should have come with it. He was a bit rough, but nothing that should have turned me off. I knew what the problem was. I didn't want his hands, his mouth. I wanted someone else's touch and nothing else was going to arouse me. I'd thought I could force myself through it; that I could find physical pleasure without any heart behind it and that would break the hold Rylan had on me.
I should have known better.
With a sigh, I stepped back. Chad frowned at me as I straightened my shirt.
“You want to go back to the bedroom?” he asked. “I’ve got condoms out here too, but the couch is a bit small.”
I shook my head. “No. I'm sorry, Chad, but I think I'm just going to go.”
