When he got up and stretched, the first thing to greet him was a black and white photo of Lena perched on his bedside table. In the snapshot she was sitting on the beach gazing up at the sun, her hands outstretched in celebration of a glorious Cape Cod beach day. He let out a ragged sigh. A tight feeling expanded across his chest. Some days the grief still continued to wash over him in small waves. He still missed her, although he had to admit things had gotten a lot better. In the first year after his wife's passing, the pain gnawed at him until he thought he'd go a little crazy with it. He'd been out of his mind with grief, so much so that he'd turned his back on everything and anything in his world. His family, his job, his faith. That period hadn't lasted too long, since his brothers had set him straight about cleaving to family and friends in times of crisis.
He chuckled at the memory of his six brothers storming his house and cornering him about the situation. Not that he'd needed the reminder, but it had served as indelible proof of the bond they shared. All seven of the Donahue boys had been adopted by their parents, Alec and Maggie Donahue. They'd all been wards of the foster care system before finding a permanent home with the Donahues. Wyatt. Remy. Blue. Brandon. Mac. And Nick. He couldn't love his brothers any more fiercely had they shared they same blood or come from the same womb. And his parents. It was safe to say he truly believed they hung the moon. It was because of the two of them that he'd enjoyed a healthy, loving marriage with Lena. They'd shown him love and devotion, as well as modeling a wonderful marriage and partnership. Above all, they'd taught him to honor his faith and to lean on the Lord in times of trouble.
They'd almost lost Dad a few weeks ago from a stroke. In the midst of celebrating their parents' fortieth wedding anniversary, Alec Donahue had collapsed after suffering a stroke. After being taken to the hospital and being listed in critical condition, Dad was now on the mend. He was working with a physical therapist, as well as a speech pathologist, on making his way back to full health. Although the situation had been dire, it had served to bring Sarah and Blue back together as a couple, as well as being the impetus for four of his brothers to move back to Breeze Point. Having the family all together as one big family unit filled one of the huge, gaping holes in Ryder's heart. Some holes, he knew, were incapable of being filled up. Some things just had to be endured.
The sound of his doorbell pealing had him scrambling to the window to catch a glimpse of his early morning visitor. The sight of a bright yellow Jeep parked in his driveway quickly solved the mystery. There was only one person in all of Breeze Point who rolled like that. Grabbing a sweatshirt, he pulled it on over his head and made his way downstairs to the front door. When he opened it up his EMT partner, Tess Dailey, was standing there with a huge grin on her face. With her long auburn hair and big green eyes, Tess was a striking beauty.
“Tess! What are you doing here at this brutal hour?”
She shoved a cup of coffee at him. “Coffee. Piping hot, delicious coffee. I thought you might need it after last night.” Ryder stepped aside and ushered her inside the house. Since Tess was such a frequent visitor, she didn't really need an invitation. Normally, she just made herself right at home.
Last night they'd worked a shift together, which ended up being non-stop, pulsing action. It had been a crazy night filled with car accidents, a prescription overdose, a near pool drowning and a teenager cutting incident. Tess had more than held her own in the frenetic, high stakes pace. She'd come a long way, he realized, from the timid new employee who'd been lacking confidence as well as skill. She'd earned any and all kudos sent her way.
Tess headed towards his kitchen and sat down in one of the stools at his counter, heaving a great sigh as she did so. She had a tendency towards the dramatic, which always gave him a laugh or two.
“What's with you?” he asked, his eyes raking over the beautiful landscape of her face.
“Nothing,” Tess answered with wide eyes. She blinked a few times. “Well, there's a little something. I got a call from my Mom this morning. Seems my brother Seth has cut out again. She's called the police, but they're getting a little sick of all these runaway calls.”
Ryder raised an eyebrow. He hadn't been keeping count, but Seth had run away at least half a dozen times in the last year. The Brimley, New Hampshire police department couldn't continue to use their resources for an almost seventeen year old who didn't want to stay put.
Tess bit her lip. “This is the seventh time he's run off. She wants me to come home, but I really don't know what good that will do.”
Ryder bit down on his rising anger. Tess' mother was proving to be a very selfish, unstable woman. She was now married to her fourth husband, a fact he was convinced was part of the reason Seth wanted to live outside the home. Now she wanted Tess to run back home and solve all the problems her erratic lifestyle had created.
“Don't even think about it!” he growled, his overprotective side kicking into high gear.
Tess was like a little sister to him. The thought of her mother taking advantage of her caring nature burned right through him. “You can't solve your mother's problems, Tess.”
Tess sighed again. “I know. It's just that she said maybe if I come home for a little while Seth will come back on his own accord.”
Ryder locked gazes with Tess. “For how long? A day? A week?”
Tess shrugged. “I don't know. Maybe until he's eighteen. Then he can do as he pleases, maybe go to college, get a nice little job to support himself.”
Ryder didn't want to sound negative, but he needed Tess to take her blinders off and realize that Seth wasn't exactly on the college track. He'd been arrested a few times for disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment. It sounded as if he needed a little more help before he turned his life around. As long as he kept running away and not dealing with his problems head on, Ryder worried about Tess getting dragged into all the turmoil.
“Tess,” Ryder said gently, “you can't expect for everything to just fall into place.”
“Why not?” she asked with wide eyes. Her voice crackled a little and tears pooled in her eyes. “You have to have a little faith. Otherwise, the whole thing just seems too overwhelming.” Tears ran down her face and she let out a cry of anguish.
With a groan Ryder jumped up out of his seat and went over to Tess. He swooped down and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her as if she were a small, fragile child. He couldn't stand the thought of Tess being sad. It made his insides feel as if they were being torn apart. Because of his own fractured childhood he knew all too well the lingering effects of a dysfunctional upbringing. Tess' early life had involved a revolving door of men in her mother's life. And she'd moved from state to state, new school to new school, all due to her mother chasing a dream wrapped around a man.
Tess' shoulders heaved as she fought back sobs. He knew Tess all too well to believe this was just a moment of weakness. Tess was one of the strongest people he knew, and she tended to hide her emotions behind a smile and a grin. The situation had to be really weighing on her for a long time to elicit this strong gust of emotion.
As his grip tightened on Tess, he began to feel an overwhelming need to take away every ounce of her sadness. In this moment it was all that mattered. The feeling swelled and soared inside of him. Being close to Tess like this was causing a flood of emotions to roar through him. As he inhaled the soft, sweet scent of her shampoo an uncomfortable feeling began to overwhelm him. His chest tightened with a strange sensation. Not for Lena. But for Tess. What would it be like, he wondered, to turn her face upwards towards him and plant a tender kiss on her lips? Just imagining the sweet taste of her ruby lips caused a deep longing to bubble up inside of him. Just one kiss.
Abruptly, he pulled away from her, shaking his head to rid himself of the traitorous thoughts. Tess was his partner! His friend! She'd been one of the people who'd shouldered him through his massive grief after Lena's death. What was wrong with him today? Perhaps because it was his brother's wedding day he
was feeling a little more lonely than usual. Life was meant to be walked through with another person, another soul entwined with your own.
Walking through life without a soul mate was painful. And it caused a vast loneliness to rattle around inside him.
“Let me get you something cold to drink,” he said, feebly trying to diffuse the uncomfortable moment. The truth was he hadn't been this close to a woman who made him feel this way in a long time. Tess was a gorgeous woman to boot. He would have to be blind not to notice her stunning looks and figure. Up until recently he hadn't given it much thought. They'd always been the best of friends, although lately his mind had begun to wander a bit as far as Tess was concerned. He'd started to have a few daydreams about her. And, he could deny it all he wanted to, but the feelings Tess evoked had nothing to do with friendship.
*
Ryder unexpectedly pulling away from her was a curious thing. He'd had this uncomfortable look on his face, one she'd never seen before. Had she done or said something wrong? They were best buddies, partners at work, friends till the end. They'd laughed together, saved lives in unison, mourned and prayed together. He was the single most important person in her world. And after seeing the expression etched on his face, she fervently hoped he hadn't discovered her secret. She prayed he hadn't figured it out.
It had been six years three months and two days since Tess Dailey had fallen in love with Ryder Donahue. She remembered the day with vivid detail, all the way down to the very first words he'd ever said to her on her first day at work as an EMT at Breeze Point Medical Transport.
“I hope you know your stuff, freckles. 'Cause when we're saving lives, there's not much time to give lessons.” At first those words had rankled, but once she'd gotten to know Ryder she'd realized he walked the walk. He was the most selfless, heroic person she'd ever known. Every move he made reeked of professionalism and decency. His standards were top notch. She was proud and honored to work side by side with him. And a little ashamed she couldn't stop herself from loving him, although it would have been as pointless as telling the Earth not to turn on it's axis.
Bringing him coffee this morning had served two purposes. She'd wanted to check on him, knowing that Blue and Sarah's wedding was likely to bring forth a host of memories of his own wedding day to Lena. Beautiful, brave Lena. She'd been a wonderful, vibrant woman who had been the perfect partner for Ryder. It almost made her feel ashamed to think of her, since she'd secretly been in love with her husband. She prayed that Lena had never figured it out since she'd always done her best to mask her feelings. Never in a million years would she ever have acted on it or disrespected Ryder's marriage. Not that Ryder would ever have looked at another woman as long as Lena Truitt Donahue walked the earth. He'd been the most devoted, loving husband she'd ever known. And Lena had given him back the same devotion.
The second reason for bringing him coffee boiled down to pure selfishness. Late last night she'd chopped a few inches off her hair and she was dying to see if he noticed. Curiosity about whether or not Ryder noticed her appearance was gnawing at her. Did he still continue to view her as a little sister, the work friend who was firmly planted in the friend zone? Also, she'd wanted to see Ryder. Not seeing him every day was supreme torture. With his lean athlete's frame, sky blue eyes and dark hair, he was the type of handsome you didn't run into every day. His face was pretty spectacular to look at. His ice blue eyes gave new meaning to the saying that eyes are the mirrors to the soul. If that was true, Ryder's soul was headed straight to glory.
After handing her an ice cold glass of lemonade, Ryder looked at her with a quizzical expression. “Hey, I like your hair. You cut it, right?”
She smiled at him, trying not to break her face on the pure strength of her grin. Her heart was beating a mile a minute at the acknowledgment from Ryder. He'd noticed her hair! “Yeah, I cut off a few inches. Summer's coming soon and I hate having to deal with all this hair every morning.”
“I like it,” Ryder said with an emphatic nod of his head. “It suits your heart shaped face.”
Hmm. He'd also noticed the shape of her face. Stop it! A little voice warned. He doesn't see you in that way. And it's highly doubtful he ever will. And why would you even want him to? Being involved with a man who puts his deceased wife on a pedestal is a dangerous thing. Especially when you know you'd never measure up. Not in a million years.
After Lena died Ryder had pretty much giving up on living himself. His actions spoke to the epic nature of his love for his deceased wife. There was no way in the world Tess, even in her wildest fantasies, could ever compete with a love like that. She wouldn't even want to try since it was a sure way to get your heart smashed into little pieces. Her self-esteem couldn't handle it if Ryder rejected her. As it was, it was getting harder and harder each day to work alongside Ryder without telling him how much she loved him. There was an ache in her soul crying out for her love to be acknowledged. At the same time she cringed at the thought of ruining their existing friendship with a declaration of love. He didn't deserve to have that information dumped on him just so she could feel unburdened.
She jumped up from her seat. It was unthinkable! And she needed to be on her way before she said or did something she might regret. “I better take off. You need to get ready for the wedding.”
Ryder made a face. “I'm happy for my brother, but it's going to be a tough one.”
She reached out and touched his arm. “Are you okay?” Here she was thinking about her own vulnerabilities while Ryder was dealing with an immediate situation that might catapult him back into a state of grief.
“I'm good. Days like today bring back a host of memories, but I can handle it.”
She winked at him, falling into their familiar rhythm. “Of course you can. You're Donahue strong, right?”
Donahue strong. It was an expression used by the Donahue family to describe a combination of toughness and fortitude exhibited by the members of the clan. They all had it, each and every one of them. Sometimes she wanted to apply for membership so she could be an honorary member of the family. That's how spectacular they all were. Perhaps if she'd come from a warm, loving family she wouldn't feel such an overpowering need to belong to someone else's tribe. Maybe if her own parents had given her an ounce of what the Donahues had provided their children, she wouldn't feel so alone.
Ryder reached out and tugged at her sleeve. “Just make sure you're there, okay. I need someone to dance with at the reception so I don't look like a wallflower.” The thought of dancing cheek to cheek with Ryder made her pulse dance with a wild rhythm. Wallflower? She wanted to snort out loud at the idea of it. Clearly, Ryder didn't realize the devastating impact he had on women. More times than she could count his mere presence had driven women into overdrive. From flirtatious banter to suggestive comments to phone numbers written down on little slips of paper...she'd seen it all. Each and every time Ryder remained unimpressed by all the adulation. For him, it was as if all thoughts of love and companionship had died right along with Lena.
“I wouldn't miss it,” she said with a tight smile. Although she loved attending Donahue family events, this one would be trickier than most. Without a doubt, Blue and Sarah were an inspiration to all their friends and family. Four years ago Blue had arrived hours late for his wedding to Sarah, effectively canceling the wedding. Although his reasons had been deep and profound, he hadn't been able to come clean with Sarah about the situation until recently. The fact that they had reunited and reached a state of grace regarding the past, proved to her that their union was meant to be.
Weddings were hard for her, plain and simple. Although no one would ever guess it, she wanted to be a bride and a wife more than anything else in the world. And the man she wanted to love and cherish for the rest of her days viewed her as a friend and co-worker. Nothing more. And her heart ached at the thought of someday sitting in a church and watching Ryder marry someone else. It was bound to happen. A man like Ryder Donahue wouldn't stay sin
gle forever. No, she realized with a sinking heart. He was meant to love and be loved.
“Gotta go make myself beautiful,” she said, trying to make her voice sound light.
Ryder's face held a strange expression as he gazed at her. He snapped his fingers. “Hey. I just remembered. There's someone I want to introduce you to at the wedding. He's been asking about you every time I run into him.”
She felt her jaw drop. Ryder was trying to set her up with someone? On a date? It was absolutely crushing. And it meant he didn't think of her in any way, shape or form as dating material. She felt the sharp sting of tears gathering in her eyes. Stiff upper lip. Never let 'em see you cry. She'd learned that a long time ago, way back in her childhood. To mask her emotions she let out a cough, raising her hand to cover her mouth. “Allergies,” she explained. “So, who is this guy?” Even though she didn't have the slightest interest in dating anyone other than Ryder, she had no other choice but to play along. It would be downright humiliating if he figured out she was pining away for him. She'd never be able to face him again, not to mention work side by side with him.
“His name is Brian Tolleson. He's a volunteer firefighter and a teacher. Just moved here from Akron a few months ago.” Ryder grinned at her, appearing pleased at his matchmaking efforts. Just the sight of him standing there like that made her want to punch him in the stomach. How could he be so clueless?
“Hey, it's worth a shot, right? Who knows?” she said flippantly, her lips straining to lift upwards into the semblance of a smile. “Maybe you'll be going to my wedding next.”
Ryder's eyes widened slightly, and for an instant she wondered if the thought of it bothered him. Of course it did! But not for the reasons she secretly wished for. Not because he had romantic feelings for her. All weddings were delicate matters for Ryder, serving of reminders of everything he'd lost. It was that simple. And that heartbreaking.
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