by T L Dasha
Brad frowned. “Errr… Anyway, let’s see what we can do here.”
We spent a couple hours going back and forth with Dread Theory, trying to harmonize and get on the same page. Logan and Lance meshed surprisingly well, so much so that I think it pissed both of them off. It was as if their shared disdain for each other brought them together. It was an awkward first session, but we got through it, and we were back at it again the next day.
Jay stood at the side of the room, taking notes as he listened to our back and forth, presumably pin-pointing breaks and harmonies that would mesh with the rhythm of his words.
“Roland Finley.” I froze at the sound of my name in Jay’s voice.
“Y-yes, Mr. McClintock?” I swallowed the lump in my throat. It hadn’t gotten any easier being in the same room as him. Addressing me directly in front of everyone was not remotely helpful. He tapped a finger against the side of his tablet as he held eye contact.
“Tell me, what sort of tragedy have you experienced in your short life?”
Oh thank god his question is on topic.
“Ah, I…” I glanced over at Logan. He shrugged, offering zero help. “I guess my life hasn’t been that tragic. Both my parents are still alive, the family dog is still healthy, I always did alright in school, my relationships are all pretty functional…” I played with my lip rings for a moment. I caught Logan’s eyes on me, and I immediately broke eye contact with Jay.
“He’s never even dated someone long enough to have experienced a break up.” Logan teased. “I’ve had a few of those, but I don’t think I’d call ending any of those relationships particularly tragic.”
“Interesting.” Jay’s expression was completely void of a reaction, save his eyes falling back on me for a brief moment as he spoke. “Lance, Marcus, uhh…”
“Tanner.” Tanner sighed. “I lost my mom when I was eight. My dad remarried within the year, but obviously no one could replace her. My new step brother was abusive, while my new step mom eventually turned to drugs. She died a few years ago and he ended up in jail. It’s back to just me and my dad now.”
We all stared at Tanner, Lance and Marcus included.
“That’s… pretty tragic.” Jay nodded. “I can work with that. Anyone else?”
“I don’t think any of us can top that…” Lance blinked a few times.
By day three, much to my surprise, we started to have a song. The camera crew came to the studio to get some footage of how we were getting along.
It was even more challenging to concentrate around Jay with the camera crew buzzing about. I kept thinking that every passing comment or wayward glance or basic interaction with him would give everything away. And every time Brad gave him a pat on the back or a knowing smile, I stumbled even more.
What was I thinking? No part of this relationship was kosher, and that was never more obvious now that we were stuck working together. If Logan knew I was sleeping with the top writer at ALIVE throughout the entire competition, he’d question the legitimacy of every song I had written in the last couple months. If Lance knew, he’d turn it into such a scandal that my career would be ruined before it even began. I could practically hear the accusations of sleeping my way to the top. Or worse yet, the accusations that Jay had taken advantage of me in some way. This could even ruin his career. I was playing with fire, and I had never gotten closer to the flames as I was right now, sitting in the same room as Jay McClintock.
The camera crew focused on Lance as he began a run through of the chorus with Brad, then they shifted to me as the song transitioned to my keyboard solo. Jay was across the room, watching me with his arms crossed. He smirked, and I missed a note.
The camera stayed on me as I started again. It stayed on me as Jay walked up behind me and placed one hand on my shoulder. It recorded every minute as he leaned over me, and tapped a quick melody on my keys with his free hand. They caught the moment he glanced over at my reddening face with a smile. And his soft voice as is breath fluttered by my ear.
“Try this.”
“Y-yes sir.” I moved my hand to the high keys, mimicking his notes.
“Excellent. See if you can build on that. Give it a little more intensity.”
I tried my best not to panic, but the heat of his hand on my shoulder wasn’t helping. I rattled off a few more keys, dropping from high to low with increasing volume. The cameras remained.
“No, stay up here.” He took my hand and moved it back to the high notes. I looked over at him, trying not to acknowledge how dangerously close our faces were. “Listen.”
I moved my hands from the keys, and Jay took over. He played beautifully. His eyes fell shut behind his lenses, and he gave himself over to his quick fingers, building a powerful crescendo, bursting in high energy hits, then dwindling down to soft taps. I watched, mesmerized by his form. By his power. By the emotion in his fingers.
I wanted to kiss him so badly. I wanted to feel that emotion that was spilling through his fingers all over my skin. But I had to simply watch. I rallied all of my self-control, holding my breath until the cameras moved on to Logan.
“I’ll show you more later.” He growled under his breath, barely audible even as he stood right beside me, then he gave me an exaggerated friendly pat on the shoulder as he walked away. “Good, now take verse three.”
“I love that melody” Brad smiled at Jay as he walked by. He smiled back. It was subtle but soft.
I tried to regain my composure and took verse three. Lance was singing the darker verses, I was covering the brighter ones. A devil and an angel was how Brad described it. Maintaining a consistent image with the public was Jay’s take.
I forgot sometimes the extent of Jay’s experience, and it was odd to get coaching and advice beyond showing me the most pleasurable ways to use my tongue. In all his mockery and sarcasm and instigating, he was still a professional who knew the industry and what it took to sell a person to the masses. I guess that’s what we all were at our core. Salesmen peddling ourselves as a product, hoping someone might care.
As I watched him chatting with Brad in the back of the room, exchanging warm expressions and small laughs, I couldn’t help but think- I wonder what it really took for him to make Brad the product that he is today?
I felt emotionally drained as the session ended. I packed up robotically, barely noticing as the studio emptied out. I’m sure Logan had said something encouraging. Brad probably left with a cheerful wave. Lance and his crew didn’t even say goodbye.
And Jay- “We need to talk.”
…Was apparently standing right behind me. I jumped when I heard his voice. “Oh, you’re still here. I thought you would have left with Brad.”
“That’s what you thought, is it?” He raised an eyebrow, then adjusted his glasses as he studied my expression. His eyes bore into me, sending a chill down my spine even from a few feet away.
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous.” He shook his head and let out a sigh. “Idiot. That’s not what I need to talk to you about. That’s work, Roland.”
“Work that you volunteered for.” I scoffed.
“When you deal with Brad, it’s more like being volun-told. As much as I enjoy seeing you squirm, I promise I wouldn’t choose to put either of us in this position.”
“Really? Because you seem to be enjoying it. Is it fun for you to push my boundaries while there’s a camera in my face?”
“Do you want me to answer that honestly?” Jay smirked. I couldn’t say whether the heat in my cheeks was from anger or embarrassment. “It’s not easy for me to be here either, you know. This was the last project I wanted-“
“Right, duh. Sorry. I know, you wouldn’t be here working with me if you didn’t have to.” I interrupted, not wanting to hear the harsh finality of his statement. I tried to sound cool and nonchalant, but my voice was shaking.
“That’s not true and you know it.” Jay scoffed. However harshly he said it, I couldn’t help feeling a little happy to hear it. “The only
reason I’m not completely losing it is because I have you here. But obviously now isn’t the time to publically announce our relationship to the world either. This industry isn’t easy on respecting a person’s privacy…”
“No- I know- it’s just…” I paused, trying to figure out how to make my mouth form the words I needed to say. “Will there ever be a point that it’s okay? I haven’t even told Logan. I feel like I have so many secrets, and I don’t think I can hide any more of them. It was hard enough not talking about you when you were half way across the city. But having you right here every day… It’s starting to feel like too much. Especially when I have to watch you and…”
Jay stared at me, his expression deadpan, remaining silent for long enough for me to find the courage to keep speaking.
“Your relationship with Brad is… It’s obviously special. He’s so well loved, that even if you were… uh.” I swallowed down my doubts. “Even if you were a couple, no one would complain. People would probably love him even more. And you guys get along so well, I could practically feel your love for each other. It was so easy and comfortable. I… I’m not saying Brad’s gay, but you-“
“Are you giving me your blessing to go pursue Brad?” Jay threw me an offended half smile. “I don’t know why you’re so fixated on him.”
“N-no, I just… I’ve never seen you act like that with me. I can’t make you as comfortable as he does. I barely even live in your world, while he can drape an arm over your shoulder in public. Can you honestly tell me you never even thought about it…”
“Of course I have.” He released an exasperated sigh, while my insides tightened. “If you’re really going to keep pressing this, yes, I’ve slept with him. Brad’s not that picky when it comes to gender. But that was a long time ago. And no, we didn’t work.” Jay’s tone was growing irritated. “And even that was kept under wraps. A lot of times, for a relationship to work when you’re in his position, you have to tell a lot of lies. He had to do a lot of things that upset me, I had to do some things that upset him. There was too much on the line to be worth torturing each other like that.”
“But that would only have mattered at the beginning of his career. Like, where I am now.” I looked down, breaking eye contact. “You guys have so much history. Where all I know about you is the Jay of right now. Whatever our ‘relationship’ is, it’s nothing compared to that.”
“You’re right.” Jay nodded, though there wasn’t the slightest hint of agreeableness to it. His eyes narrowed and a frown covered his lips. “Our relationship isn’t anything like that. It isn’t easy like that, and it isn’t safe like that.” He approached me and placed his hand softly on my chest. “You don’t know all my mistakes. You don’t know my past.” He shoved me hard, causing me to save myself with a step. Then another and another until my back hit the wall with a hard thud. “You don’t know any of my demons.”
“J-Jay…“
His hand was still over my heart, pressing hard, feeling every quickening beat. His eyes were dark and cold. “I don’t want a relationship like that.”
He relaxed the pressure of his palm and slid down to my waist.
In one quick movement, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into an embrace. He nuzzled my neck and squeezed me as tightly against him as he could. It was a hug that felt more intimate than every kiss and every night of ecstasy. I held him back, wanting so badly to accept that this was as real as it felt.
His grip relaxed. He let his hands fall to my hips as he pulled back only far enough to kiss me. He pressed his forehead to mine, and his eyes shut. “Maybe you don’t know everything there is to know about me, but you know who I am today. You’ll be there to see who I’m going to be tomorrow. And we have a lifetime to fill in the rest.”
“A lifetime.” I liked the way that sounded.
“Right.” Jay stepped back, releasing his hold on me and averting his gaze. His chuckle was melancholy. “If you’ll stick with me that long.”
“You could only be so lucky.” I smiled to lighten the mood. Stupid. Why was I so afraid to trust him? Why was it still so hard for me to believe that a guy like him could like me? Why couldn’t I feel as confident in my relationship as I did on the stage? I closed the distance between us again, and touched my lips to his. “But you do seem pretty lucky to me.”
###
Jay McClintock
Brad leaned over my shoulder as I pulled up the Battle of the Bands feed on my laptop. “So do you want to fill me in a little on your relationship with this Roland kid?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” I kept my voice steady.
“Yeah you do.” He grinned. “If I didn’t know what the body language of ‘two people who are deeply in lust but can’t say a thing’ looked like, well… we’d probably still be together.” His laugh gave me more chills than reassurance.
“He’s talented.”
“In what way?”
“The same way vocalists are always talented.” I shook my head.
“Oh, that’s my favorite kind of talent.” Brad gave me an exaggerated wink. He pursed his lips as the wheels in his head turned a little faster. “Wait, so then this isn’t new, is it…”
I ran a hand through my hair, but remained silent.
“That’s who you were texting.” Brad studied my expression, looking for some sort of slip in my poker face. I wasn’t going to give him one. Though perhaps that was a tell in and of itself. “Is it… serious?”
“I told you already that he’s just a play thing.” I couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. “Why does it matter? It’s not like you haven’t fooled around with half the interns.”
“So defensive.” Brad frowned. The amusement in his voice was gone. “You wouldn’t care so much if he was ‘just a play thing.’ You… you actually like him.”
“Is that a question or a statement?”
“A statement.” Brad reached over my shoulder and hit pause on the feed. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I know what’s coming. “Jay Jay… You know better than this. That’s a huge conflict of interest.”
“And you weren’t?”
“We weren’t competing with each other. If anything, the hotter it got, the more electric both of our work was.” Brad’s mischievous grin lasted only a second before a frown retook his face. “Those stories you’ve been putting into Dread Theory’s songs- Were those for him? Are you really going to pull him into this mess?”
I didn’t respond. I hit play and kept my eyes on the screen.
“He has no idea, does he?”
I exhaled a slow and exasperated sigh. Brad pursed his lips, as he turned his attention to the screen. “I think I know what the last song on Heroes of Heartbreak is going to be about…”
###
Roland Finley
Rat-tatta-tat-tat
rat-a-tat-tat
rata-tat-tat
Lance and I stood back to back as Tanner’s drums filled the air. Their powerful vibrations grew, building until the crash of his cymbals shook the stage, merging with the pulsing cheers of the studio audience.
Logan joined in and Marcus joined in, bouncing off each other with dueling rifts. Then it was all up to Lance and I. I took the opening verse.
~I still remember your soft eyes. The way you’d hold me when I cried. Bird songs on the door step, running into the sunset.
I remember that day we took a ride, the fear in your eyes locked deep inside, you always knew how to keep your pride.
But when you said it would be okay
That was a selfish lie…~
Lance took control with much harsher vocals. ~And that’s WHY
I think maybe you wanted to DIE.
You locked all your demons INSIDE, thinking I’d hide, thinking I’d find a way home.
But now here I am, living this life so alone.~
Lance broke the chorus to continue into the second verse, and I found myself oddly entranced by the lyrics. I guess I hadn’t really absorbed
what he had been singing in our practice sessions until right now, as the heat of the stage and the roar of his voice was filling the entire stadium. It was different somehow. Chilling.
~You went over the edge, you let us all fall, you claimed that you loved me, but you weren’t there at all. And now I’m starting over, creating a new life. You’re out of the fire and I’m under the knife.
Hold me.
Leave me.
Forget me.
KILL ME.~
Why do I feel like I know this story? This prose. This rhythm. It’s just like… No, it’s a coincidence. It’s Lance’s interpretation of Jay’s lyrics...
Lance shot me a dirty look, and it dawned on me that I had completely missed my cue. He took the reins for me, starting the chorus and keeping the show going. I apologized with a nod and joined in to top off the song.
This wasn’t the time to let my mind wander. But why couldn’t I shake this feeling? This feeling that I had heard it all before.
I knew Jay wrote these lyrics. But they still felt like Dread Theory.
No, he’s a professional. Of course he can match our styles. We need to be consistent for our images. He must have done that on purpose.
But he didn’t match my style, just Lance’s. I… I’ll have to ask him about it later.
Chapter 14
Roland Finley
After the elimination was over, I waited in the back lot under the light with the valet, listening to the sounds of Los Angeles after sunset.
It had become our routine. Every round I survived was another date. I should have felt excited. I should have been beaming that I had made it to the very end, ready to hug him and tell him how we did it. Together this time. How amazing that should be.
But something was off, and I couldn’t shake it.
Jay arrived earlier than usual. He was wearing a tailored pinstriped suit and a black shirt with a black tie. His blue eyes were the only hint of color to latch onto.
“Let’s go for a drive.” He motioned for me to get in, and I obliged. He peeled out of the parking lot, not saying another word.
