Walt moved away from the door and sat down on his bed. “What about this singer?” he said. “Was she going to give you lessons, or something?”
“It was just crazy,” I said.
“You’ll be all right, Cissy,” he said. “Living out here has got you down.”
“I know,” I said. “When we get our own place.” We looked briefly, almost timidly, at each other in the mirror, and I knew we were thinking the same thing: the apartment will make the difference; something’s got to.
Your girlhood doesn’t vanish overnight. I know, now, what a lot of wavering goes on, how you step forward and back again. The frontier is invisible; sometimes you’re over without knowing it. I do know that some change began then, at that moment, and I felt an almost unbearable nostalgia for the figure I was leaving behind, the shell of the girl who had got down from the train in September, the pretty girl with all the blue plaid luggage. I could never be that girl again, not entirely. Too much had happened in between.
“We’ll be all right,” I echoed to Walt, and I repeated it to myself, over and over, “I’ll be all right; we’ll be all right.”
But we’re not safe yet, I thought, looking at my husband – this stranger, mute, helpless, fumbling, enclosed. Oh, we’re not safe. Not by a long shot. But we’ll be all right. Take my word for it. We’ll be all right.
THE PICNIC
(1952)
THE THREE MARSHALL CHILDREN were dressed and ready for the picnic before their father was awake. Their mother had been up since dawn, for the coming day of pleasure weighed heavily on her mind. She had laid out the children’s clothes, so that they could dress without asking questions – clean blue denims for John and dresses sprigged with flowers for the girls. Their shoes, chalky with whitening, stood in a row on the bathroom window sill.
John, stubbornly, dressed himself, but the girls helped each other, standing and preening before the long looking glass. Margaret fastened the chain of Ellen’s heart-shaped locket while Ellen held up her hair with both hands. Margaret never wore her own locket. Old Madame Pégurin, in whose house in France the Marshalls were living, had given her something she liked better – a brooch containing a miniature portrait of a poodle called Youckie, who had died of influenza shortly before the war. The brooch was edged with seed pearls, and Margaret had worn it all summer, pinned to her navy blue shorts.
“How very pretty it is!” the children’s mother had said when the brooch was shown to her. “How nice of Madame Pégurin to think of a little girl. It will look much nicer later on, when you’re a little older.” She had been trained in the school of indirect suggestion, and so skillful had she become that her children sometimes had no idea what she was driving at.
“I guess so,” Margaret had replied on this occasion, firmly fastening the brooch to her shorts.
She now attached it to the front of the picnic frock, where, too heavy for the thin material, it hung like a stone. “It looks lovely,” Ellen said with serious admiration. She peered through their bedroom window across the garden, and over the tiled roofs of the small town of Virolun, to the blooming summer fields that rose and fell toward Grenoble and the Alps. Across the town, partly hidden by somebody’s orchard, were the neat rows of gray-painted barracks that housed American troops. Into this tidy settlement their father disappeared each day, driven in a jeep. On a morning as clear as this, the girls could see the first shining peaks of the mountains and the thin blue smoke from the neighboring village, some miles away. They were too young to care about the view, but their mother appreciated it for them, often reminding them that nothing in her own childhood had been half as agreeable. “You youngsters are very lucky,” she would say. “Your father might just as easily as not have been stationed in the middle of Arkansas.” The children would listen without comment, although it depressed them inordinately to be told of their good fortune. If they liked this house better than any other they had lived in, it was because it contained Madame Pégurin, her cat, Olivette, and her cook, Louise.
Olivette now entered the girls’ bedroom soundlessly, pushing the door with one paw. “Look at her. She’s priceless,” Margaret said, trying out the word.
Ellen nodded. “I wish one of us could go to the picnic with her,” she said. Margaret knew that she meant not the cat but Madame Pégurin, who was driving to the picnic grounds with General Wirtworth, commander of the post.
“One of us might,” Margaret said. “Sitting on the General’s lap.”
Ellen’s shriek at the thought woke their father, Major Marshall, who, remembering that this was the day of the picnic, said, “Oh, God!”
The picnic, which had somehow become an Army responsibility, had been suggested by an American magazine of such grandeur that the Major was staggered to learn that Madame Pégurin had never heard of it. Two research workers, vestal maidens in dirndl skirts, had spent weeks combing France to find the most typically French town. They had found no more than half a dozen; and since it was essential to the story that the town be near an American Army post, they had finally, like a pair of exhausted doves, fluttered to rest in Virolun. The picnic, they had explained to General Wirtworth, would be a symbol of unity between two nations – between the troops at the post and the residents of the town. The General had repeated this to Colonel Baring, who had passed it on to Major Marshall who had brought it to rest with his wife. “Oh, really?” Paula Marshall had said, and if there was any reserve – any bitterness – in her voice, the Major had failed to notice. The mammoth job of organizing the picnic had fallen just where he knew it would – on his own shoulders.
The Major was the post’s recreation officer, and he was beset by many difficulties. His status was not clear; sometimes he had to act as public relations officer – there being none, through an extraordinary oversight on the part of the General. The Major’s staff was inadequate. It was composed of but two men: a lieutenant, who had developed measles a week before the picnic, and a glowering young sergeant who, the Major feared, would someday write a novel depicting him in an unfavorable manner. The Major had sent Colonel Baring a long memo on the subject of his status, and the Colonel had replied in person, saying, with a comic, rueful smile, “Just see us through the picnic, old man!”
The Major had said he would try. But it was far from easy. The research workers from the American magazine had been joined by a photographer who wore openwork sandals and had so far not emerged from the Hotel Bristol. Messages in his languid handwriting had been carried to Major Marshall’s office by the research workers, and answers returned by the Major’s sergeant. The messages were grossly interfering and never helpful. Only yesterday, the day before the picnic, the sergeant had placed before the Major a note on Hotel Bristol stationery: “Suggest folk dances as further symbol of unity. French wives teaching American wives, and so on. Object: Color shot.” Annoyed, the Major had sent a message pointing out that baseball had already been agreed on as an easily recognized symbol, and the afternoon brought a reply: “Feel that French should make contribution. Anything colorful or indigenous will do.”
“Baseball is as far as I’ll go,” the Major had said in his reply to this.
On their straggling promenade to breakfast, the children halted outside Madame Pégurin’s door. Sometimes from behind the white-and-gold painted panels came the sound of breakfast – china on china, glass against silver. Then Louise would emerge with the tray, and Madame Pégurin, seeing the children, would tell them to come in. She would be sitting up, propped with a pillow and bolster. Her hair, which changed color after every visit to Paris, would be wrapped in a scarf and Madame herself enveloped in a trailing dressing gown streaked with the ash of her cigarette. When the children came in, she would feed them sugared almonds and pistachio creams and sponge cakes soaked in rum, which she kept in a tin box by her bedside, and as they stood lined up rather comically, she would tell them about little dead Youckie, and about her own children, all of whom had married worthless, ordinary, social-climbing
men and women. “In the end,” she would say, sighing, “there is nothing to replace the love one can bear a cat or a poodle.”
The children’s mother did not approve of these morning visits, and the children were frequently told not to bother poor Madame Pégurin, who needed her rest. This morning, they could hear the rustle of paper as Madame Pégurin turned the pages of Le Figaro, which came to Virolun every day from Paris. Madame Pégurin looked at only one section of it, the Carnet du Jour – the daily account of marriages, births and deaths – even though, as she told the children, one found in it nowadays names that no one had heard of, families who sounded foreign or commonplace. The children admired this single-minded reading, and they thought it “commonplace” of their mother to read books.
“Should we knock?” Margaret said. They debated this until their mother’s low, reproachful “Children!” fetched them out of the upstairs hall and down a shallow staircase, the wall of which was papered with the repeated person of a shepherdess. Where a railing should have been were jars of trailing ivy they had been warned not to touch. The wall was stained at the level of their hands; once a week Louise went over the marks with a piece of white bread. But nothing could efface the fact that there were boarders, American Army tenants, in old Madame Pégurin’s house.
During the winter, before the arrival of the Marshalls, the damage had been more pronounced; the tenants had been a Sergeant and Mrs. Gould, whose children, little Henry and Joey, had tracked mud up and down the stairs and shot at each other with water pistols all over the drawing room. The Goulds had departed on bad terms with Madame Pégurin, and it often worried Major Marshall that his wife permitted the Gould children to visit the Marshall children and play in the garden. Madame Pégurin never mentioned Henry’s and Joey’s presence; she simply closed her bedroom shutters at the sound of their voices, which, it seemed to the Major, was suggestion enough.
The Gould and Marshall children were to attend the picnic together; it was perhaps for this reason that Madame Pégurin rattled the pages of Le Figaro behind her closed door. She disliked foreigners; she had told the Marshall children so. But they, fortunately, did not consider themselves foreign, and had pictured instead dark men with curling beards. Madame Pégurin had tried, as well as she could, to ignore the presence of the Americans in Virolun, just as, long ago, when she traveled, she had overlooked the natives of whichever country she happened to be in. She had ignored the Italians in Italy and the Swiss in Switzerland, and she had explained this to Margaret and Ellen, who, agreeing it was the only way to live, feared that their mother would never achieve this restraint. For she would speak French, and she carried with her, even to market, a book of useful phrases.
Madame Pégurin had had many troubles with the Americans; she had even had troubles with the General. It had fallen to her, as the highest-ranking resident of Virolun, to entertain the highest-ranking American officer. She had asked General Wirtworth to tea, and he had finished off a bottle of whiskey she had been saving for eleven years. He had then been moved to kiss her hand, but this could not make up for her sense of loss. There had been other difficulties – the tenancy of the Goulds, and a row with Colonel Baring, whose idea it had been to board the Goulds and their hoodlum children with Madame Pégurin. Madame Pégurin had, indeed, talked of legal action, but nothing had come of it. Because of all this, no one believed she would attend the picnic, and it was considered a triumph for Major Marshall that she had consented to go, and to drive with the General, and to be photographed.
“I hope they take her picture eating a hot dog,” Paula Marshall said when she heard of it.
“It was essential,” the Major said reprovingly. “I made her see that. She’s a symbol of something in this town. We couldn’t do the thing properly without her.”
“Maybe she just likes to have her picture taken, like anyone else,” Paula said. This was, for her, an uncommonly catty remark.
The Major said nothing. He had convinced Madame Pégurin that she was a symbol only after a prolonged teatime wordplay that bordered on flirtation. This was second nature to Madame Pégurin, but the Major had bogged down quickly. He kept coming around to the point, and Madame Pégurin found the point uninteresting. She wanted to talk about little Youckie, and the difference between French and American officers, and how well Major Marshall looked in his uniform, and what a good idea it was for Mrs. Marshall not to bother about her appearance, running as she did all day after the children. But the Major talked about the picnic and by the weight of blind obduracy won.
THE LITTLE MARSHALS, thinking of the sugared almonds and pistachio creams in Madame Pégurin’s room, slid into their places at the breakfast table and sulked over their prunes. Before each plate was a motto, in their mother’s up-and-down hand: “I will be good at the picnic,” said John’s. This was read aloud to him, to circumvent the happy excuse that he could not yet read writing. “I will not simper. I will help Mother and be an example. I will not ask the photographer to take my picture,” said Ellen’s. Margaret’s said, “I will mind my own business and not bother Madame Pégurin.”
“What’s simper?” Ellen asked.
“It’s what you do all day,” said her sister. To their mother she remarked, “Madame is reading the Figaro in her bed.” There was, in her voice, a reproach that Paula Marshall did not spend her mornings in so elegant a manner, but Paula, her mind on the picnic, the eggs to be hard-boiled, scarcely took it in.
“You might, just this once, have come straight to breakfast,” she said, “when you know I have this picnic to think of, and it means so much to your father to have it go well.” She looked, as if for sympathy, at the portrait of Madame Pégurin’s dead husband, who each day surveyed with a melancholy face these strangers around his table.
“It means a lot to Madame, too,” Margaret said. “Riding there with the General! Perhaps one of us might go in the same car?”
There was no reply.
Undisturbed, Margaret said, “She told me what she is wearing. A lovely gray thing, and a big lovely hat, and diamonds.” She looked thoughtfully at her mother, who, in her sensible cotton dress, seemed this morning more than ever composed of starch and soap and Apple Blossom cologne. She wore only the rings that marked her engagement and her wedding. At her throat, holding her collar, was the fraternity pin Major Marshall had given her fifteen years before. “Diamonds,” Margaret repeated, as if their mother might take the hint.
“Ellen, dear,” said Paula Marshall. “There is, really, a way to eat prunes. Do you children see me spitting?” The children loudly applauded this witticism, and Paula went on, “Do be careful of the table. Try to remember it isn’t ours.” But this the Army children had heard so often it scarcely had a meaning. “It isn’t ours,” they were told. “It doesn’t belong to us.” They had lived so much in hotels and sublet apartments and all-alike semi-detached houses that Madame Pégurin’s table, at which minor nobility had once been entertained, meant no more to them than the cross-legged picnic tables at that moment being erected in the Virolun community soccer field.
“You’re so fond of poor Madame,” said Paula, “and all her little diamonds and trinkets. I should think you would have more respect for her furniture. Jewels are only a commodity, like tins of soup. Remember that. They’re bought to be sold.” She wondered why Madame Pégurin did not sell them – why she kept her little trinkets but had to rent three bedrooms and a drawing room to a strange American family.
“BASEBALL IS AS FAR AS I’LL GO,” said the Major to himself as he was dressing, and he noted with satisfaction that it was a fine day. Outside in the garden sat the children’s friends Henry and Joey Gould. The sight of these fair-haired little boys, waiting patiently on a pair of swings, caused a cloud to drift across the Major’s day, obscuring the garden, the picnic, the morning’s fine beginning, for the Gould children, all unwittingly, were the cause of a prolonged disagreement between the Major and his wife.
“It’s not that I’m a snob,”
the Major had explained. “God knows, no one could call me that!” But was it the fault of the Major that the Goulds had parted with Madame Pégurin on bad terms? Could the Major be blamed for the fact that the father of Henry and Joey was a sergeant? The Major personally thought that Sergeant Gould was a fine fellow, but the children of officers and the children of sergeants were not often invited to the same parties, and the children might, painfully, discover this for themselves. To the Major, it was clear and indisputable that the friendship should be stopped, or at least tapered. But Paula, unwisely, encouraged the children to play together. She had even asked Mrs. Gould to lunch on the lawn, which was considered by the other officers’ wives in Virolun an act of great indelicacy.
Having the Gould children underfoot in the garden was particularly trying for Madame Pégurin, whose window overlooked their antics in her lily pond. She had borne with much; from her own lips the Major had heard about the final quarrel of the previous winter. It had been over a head of cauliflower – only slightly bad, said Madame Pégurin – that Mrs. Gould had dropped, unwrapped, into the garbage can. It had been retrieved by Louise, Madame Pégurin’s cook, who had suggested to Mrs. Gould that it be used in soup. “I don’t give my children rotten food,” Mrs. Gould had replied, on which Louise, greatly distressed, had carried the slimy cauliflower in a clean towel up to Madame Pégurin’s bedroom. Madame Pégurin, considering both sides, had then composed a message to be read aloud, in English, by Louise: “Is Mrs. Gould aware that many people in France have not enough to eat? Does she know that wasted food is saved for the poor by the garbage collector? Will she please in future wrap the things she wastes so that they will not spoil?” The message seemed to Madame Pégurin so fair, so unanswerable, that she could not understand why Mrs. Gould, after a moment of horrified silence, burst into tears and quite irrationally called Louise a Communist. This political quarrel had reached the ears of the General, who, insisting he could not have that sort of thing, asked Colonel Baring to straighten the difficulty out, since it was the Colonel’s fault the Goulds had been sent there in the first place.
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