by Duncan Ball
‘Good one, Prune,’ Selby said. ‘Now let’s see what she says.’
‘You’re so thin,’ Chantelle-Anne said, ‘it would take two of you to make a shadow.’
Again the kids laughed as Selby searched through his page.
‘That’s even more pathetic,’ he said. ‘Hang in there, Prunella. Here’s one: Excuse me, Chantelle-Anne, but is that your head or is your neck blowing bubble gum?’
Once again Prunella said the line like a real comedian. This time the kids laughed even harder.
Chantelle-Anne’s smile began to fade as she said: ‘Yeah, well is that a pimple between your ears or is it your face?’
‘Pimple schmimple,’ Selby said. ‘She’s losing it. Hit her with this one — I used to think you were scatter-brained but now I know you don’t have enough brains to scatter.’
‘Oh yeah!’ Chantelle-Anne said angrily.‘And you’re so skinny you have to run around the shower to get wet!’
‘Keep smiling,’ Selby said. ‘You’re winning. Here you go: You know, Chantelle-Anne, if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest girl alive.’
‘What? I don’t get it?’ Chantelle-Anne said.
‘She doesn’t get it, Dr Trifle.’
‘Who are you talking to, skinny minnie?’
‘Don’t talk to me!’ Selby said.‘Here’s one she’ll understand: Looks aren’t everything, Chantelle-Anne. In fact, in your case they aren’t anything!’
With this the kids roared with laughter and Chantelle-Anne was fuming.
‘Do you want to lose five kilos of ugly fat?’ she screamed.‘Then cut off your head!’
‘Hopeless,’ Selby mumbled. ‘Tell her this: You’ll go far, Chantelle-Anne — and the sooner the better.’
Suddenly a light rain began to fall. But no one seemed to notice. And so it was that a tiny raindrop made its way down into Prunella’s ear.
‘What’s that ugly growth on your neck?!’ Chantelle-Anne shouted. ‘Oh, sorry, it’s your head!’
‘Ridiculous,’ Selby said. ‘Hey, I’m enjoying this. Here’s one for her: The only way you’ll ever make up your mind is to put lipstick on your head.’
‘What?’
‘I said, the only way you’ll ever make up your mind is to put lipstick on your head.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ Prunella said again. ‘Something’s gone wrong.’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘The ear-piece has got rain in it. It’s not working! I can hear her but she can’t hear me!’
Selby watched as Chantelle-Anne started to smile again.
‘You’re so stupid you’d stay up all night studying for a blood test,’ Chantelle-Anne said.
Panic spread across Prunella’s face.
‘That’s what you think!’ she snapped.
‘Prunella, no! Just walk away! Don’t say things like that! Oh, no, she still can’t hear me!’
‘You know why things go in one of your ears and out the other, Zipper-mouth?’ Chantelle-Anne said.‘Because there’s nothing to slow them down! Ha ha ha. But you do have a soft heart. Unfortunately you’ve got a soft head to match. Ha ha ha! I’ll bet you sing like a nightingale. You certainly have a bird brain! Ha ha ha!’
‘Walk away, Prunella! She’s killing you!’
Selby watched in horror as Prunella suddenly put her hands on her hips and started swaying in the wind. The kids fell silent and watched. So did Chantelle-Anne.
‘She’s doing The Pose of the Reed!’ Selby thought. ‘She’s trying to calm herself down! Now they’ll really laugh at her! What’s she doing now?’
Selby watched as Prunella did The Pose of the Poppy and then all the other poses from Mrs Trifle’s book. By the time she got to The Pose of the Stick and, finally, The Pose of the Stone, the kids were laughing their heads off.
‘This is terrible!’ Selby cried to himself. ‘Why did Mrs Trifle give her that book?!’
Suddenly Prunella rose to her feet and gave a huge yell: ‘Oooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ she screamed. ‘Shu-Kik-Shin! Shu-Kik-Shin! Kik! Kik! Kik!’
With this her feet shot out like bullets, hitting Chantelle-Anne and sending her rolling in the dirt. The kids gasped as Prunella drew a deep breath and pressed her knuckles to make them crack.
‘No! No! Don’t kick me again!’ Chantelle-Anne pleaded. ‘I’m really sorry, Prunella, honest I am.’ By now there were tears rolling down the big girl’s face. ‘I won’t pick on you any more, honest! Please don’t kick me!’
‘Okay,’ Prunella said calmly. ‘But if you do, that was only a little taste of what I’ll do to you. Do you understand?’
‘Please don’t do it again, please. I promise I won’t pick on you ever again.’
With this Prunella turned and walked calmly back into the school. The kids cleared the way. Selby could hear them clapping.
‘I don’t know what to think about that,’ Selby said, shaking his head. ‘All I know is that life is full of surprises. And if it isn’t, my name’s not Selby, the talking dog.’
‘It’s working again, Dr Trifle,’ Prunella said. ‘What was that about a talking dog?’
‘Oooops, nothing, Prune. Just talking to myself.’
Paw note: See the story ‘The Dangling Dog’ in the book Selby Spacedog. S
MADAME MASCARA’S PASSION POTION
‘Hair of dog!’ announced Madame Mascara, the former fortune-teller turned cosmetics millionaire. ‘I need hair of dog.’
‘I beg your pardon,’ said Mrs Trifle.
Selby watched as Madame Mascara dashed past Mrs Trifle and into their house, carrying a large iron pot.
‘I am making a potion,’ Madame Mascara explained.‘And there are a few things I need.’
‘A what?’
‘A potion. A brew, drink, a bit of this and that all mixed together. It’s right here in Ye Olde Booke of Potions and Spelles,’ Madame Mascara said, holding up an old book.‘I’m short a few of the ingredients. I thought you might have some. One of them is hair of dog. I could just clip a clump of fur from little dogums here.’
‘Hey, hang on!’ Selby thought. ‘How would she like someone to clip a clump from her?’
‘Tell me more about this potion,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘It’s a love potion,’ Madame Mascara explained, waving her long purple fingernails in the air.‘Dab a bit on you and everyone who smells it will get all huggy huggy and kissy kissy.’
‘Do you really believe there’s such a thing as a love potion?’
‘Of course I do! One whiff and people go crazy with love. And love is a kind of craziness.’
‘I don’t know,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I love my husband and I love Selby but I don’t go crazy over them.’
‘No, my darling Mrs Trifle. You love them. Being in love is completely different. People who are in love will climb the highest mountain or dive to the bottom of the sea. They will do anything for the person they’re in love with. They just go mad mad mad.’
‘Why do you want to make people go mad mad mad?’
‘I will put love potion in one of my House of Mascara perfumes. I will call it Madame Mascara’s Passion Potion. Everyone will flock to buy it. They will pay anything! And I’ll be filmy rich. Of course I’m already filthy rich but this will make me even filthier rich. I can’t wait! Turn to page XXV in the book and let’s get mixing!’
Mrs Trifle opened the book as Madame Mascara put some water in the pot.
‘I’m only putting in a tiny bit of water because I want it to be a very potent passion potion,’ she said. ‘I’m not going to heat it because heat will make it weaker. Okay, what’s the first ingredient?’
‘It says wing of bat,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m afraid I don’t have any of that.’
‘Then we’ll substitute something else,’ Madame Mascara said. ‘A good cook always substitutes things. How about licorice? That’s black and gummy like a bat’s wing.’
‘I have some sweets in a jar from when the girls’ hockey team was over the oth
er day. I think I have a licorice jelly bean.’
‘Chuck it in,’ Madame Mascara said.
Mrs Trifle threw the jelly bean into the pot and then read the next ingredient on the list — eye of newt. What’s a newt?’
‘Oh, it’s just one of those slimy little lizardy things. How about a piece of sago, that looks like a newt’s eye.’
Mrs Trifle threw a piece of sago into the pot and watched as Madame Mascara stirred it in with a big wooden paddle.
‘This is ridiculous,’ Selby thought. ‘The woman’s an idiot.’
‘This one’s easier,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Slime of snail. But we’ve got rid of our snails.’
‘Slime of slug will have to do,’ Madame Mascara said.‘I’ve got some of that.’
Madame Mascara whipped a jar out of her pocket, scooped out a gob of goo and flicked it into the pot.
‘What’s next?’ she asked.
‘A clutch of cobwebs,’ Mrs Trifle said reading on.
‘Got that, too,’ Madame Mascara said, throwing a handful of sticky spider web into the pot.‘Next?’
‘A pinch of ragweed,’ Mrs Trifle said.‘I’ve never seen ragweed growing around Bogusville.’
‘Neither have I,’ Madame Mascara said, pulling a few small flowers out of her pocket. ‘So we’ll have to make do with flannel flowers.’
‘But ragweed is a completely different plant to a flannel flower.’
‘Yes but think of it this way: rags are made of cloth and flannel is a kind of cloth, so it’s close enough. What’s next?’
‘Hair of wolf,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We don’t even have a wolf at the zoo.’
‘Easy peazy,’ Madame M said, grabbing a clump of Selby’s fur from the end of his tail and clipping it off so quickly that he didn’t have a chance to blink. ‘This is why I wanted hair of dog. A wolf is just a kind of dog, after all. Now to give it a good stir.’
Selby jumped to his feet and spun around, looking at his tail.
‘I’ll have to wait ages till it grows back!’ he thought. ‘I should have got out of here when that fortune-telling fruitcake came in! What a waste of good fur — this love potion stuff is never going to work anyway. Especially not with all the wrong ingredients.’
‘Now for the most important part of all: the magic words,’ Madame Mascara said, leaning towards the book and chanting:
‘Witchity wotchity finicky funk
Tinkery tankery wobbly wunk
Dab this brew on a homely soul
And everyone shall see a gorgeous hunk’
‘Oh, dear. Gorgeous hunk,’ Madame Mascara said. ‘I think this potion is meant for a man. Dr Trifle! Could you come here?’
‘I’m in the middle of something,’ Dr Trifle sang out from his workroom.‘Would you mind coming here instead?’
Madame Mascara quickly snatched up the pot and stepped forward, not noticing Selby still staring at the bite out of his tail fur. And as she did so, she tripped, spilling the pot.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought as he jumped to his feet. ‘I’ve been dabbed! What am I talking about? — I’ve been drenched! Get this guck off me!’
‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle cried, grabbing a towel and beginning to dry him.‘You poor dear.’
‘Oh, drat,’ Madame Mascara mumbled. ‘All that work and now I’ll have to start all over again.’
‘What’s the commotion about?’ Dr Trifle said as he appeared in the doorway. ‘And what’s that strange smell?’
‘We spilled love potion on Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Love potion? But there isn’t any such thing as a love potion.’
Selby saw a strange look come into Dr Trifle’s eyes. At first Dr Trifle was amazed, then dazed and then his eyes were completely glazed.
‘My goodness,’ he said.‘Selby does look good today. He’s downright handsome — handsomer than I’ve ever seen him before. Selby, what’s happened to you?’
‘Hey, he thinks I’m handsome,’ Selby thought.
Selby turned to see the glazed look come into Mrs Trifle’s and Madame Mascara’s eyes.
‘He looks rather … fetching,’ Madame Mascara said, taking a deep breath.
‘Fetching?’ Selby thought, as he caught sight of himself in the mirror. ‘I’m just me — I just look normal … actually, I think I look rather good today. Hmmm, but there is something weird about mirrors.’
By now, Madame Mascara and Dr and Mrs Trifle were kneeling on the floor, hugging Selby and stroking his fur.
‘Oooooooooh Selby!’ Mrs Trifle moaned, clutching him closer.
‘Selby, you are absolutely beautiful!’ Dr Trifle said, wrapping his arms around Selby’s middle.
‘This is kind of nice,’ Selby thought. ‘I guess that Passion Potion works after all. Lucky me.’
‘You’re the most gorgeous hunk I’ve ever seen!’ Madame Mascara squealed, pressing her face to his. ‘I’m going to sack all of my models and put you in my next House of Mascara perfume catalogue. Just you you you! You are the most scrumptious dog in the … the universe! When people see your picture they’ll buy everything!’
‘Hey, hang on!’ Selby thought as he tried to wriggle free. ‘This is getting a bit much. Their eyes were glazed and now they’re crazed! They’ve all gone gaga! Oh, well, it should wear off in a minute or so.’
Just then Selby’s eyes saw the lines at the bottom of page XXV in Ye Olde Booke of Potions and Spelles.
When the spell is said and the potion applied
And it has well and truly dried
It shall forever with thee reside.
‘Forever with thee reside. What does that mean? Oh, no! Once it dries it’s on me forever! It never wears off! I’ve got to have a shower — quick!’
Selby struggled free and then turned towards the bathroom only to have the three of them dive in front of him.
‘I’ll never make it!’ he said, dashing out the door. ‘My only hope is to get to the showers at the sportsground!’
‘Please come back!’ they screamed after him. ‘Don’t ever leave us!’
In a second, Selby was around the corner, over a fence and running through bushland towards the sportsground.
Suddenly the branches of the bush parted in front of him and there, staring with grinning faces, were the dreadful duo, Willy and Billy. Before Selby could jump sideways, their hands shot out and grabbed him.
‘I’ve got you now, you poo poo … you stink-face … you …’Willy began.
Selby could see the boys’ angry faces turn to surprise. And if that wasn’t bad enough, there was a crash in the bushes behind him. Suddenly the hideous shape of their mother, Aunt Jetty, towered over them.
‘Put that filthy dog down!’ she boomed.
‘He he he’s … pretty, Mummy,’ Willy said, hugging Selby.
‘Can I have him, Mummy?’ Billy said, clutching Selby’s legs.‘I want him!’
‘You can’t have him, stinky!’Willy said, pulling Selby by the collar.‘He’s mine! I love him!’
‘He loves me?!’ Selby thought.‘Did he say he loves me?! This passion potion is potent! Help! They’re choking me!’
In a second the two boys were screaming and crying and pulling Selby in different directions.
‘Boys! Stop that! Let go of him!’ Aunt Jetty screamed. Suddenly she sniffed the air. ‘Goodness! I see what you mean. Who would have believed that such an ugly mutt could turn into a gorgeous hunk. Let me at him, boys.’
Before Selby knew it Aunt Jetty’s lips were burrowing into his fur.
‘Moo-ah! Moo-ah! Moooooooo-ah!’ she said, kissing him all around his head. ‘You gorgeous creature you! Get away, boys! He’s mine!’
Aunt Jetty lifted Selby into the air with Willy and Billy still clinging to him.
‘They’re going to pull me to pieces!’ Selby screamed in his brain.‘I’ve got to get loose even if I have to —’
Selby didn’t finish his thought. Instead he opened his jaws as wide as he could and clamped them down on Au
nt Jetty’s ear.
‘Yowch!’ she screamed, grabbing her ear and letting Selby fall to the ground.‘How could you do this?, you great big beautiful thing you! Or was that a love bite? Bite me again, gorgeous!’
Selby quickly shook Willy and Billy free and was off and running again.
‘There it is! — the sportsground!’ he thought. ‘And the girls hockey team is out on the field so I can nip into the shower block and wash this glurp off me.’
In a second Selby was standing in the shower and had started seriously soaping.
‘This just has to work,’ he thought. ‘It’s my only chance.’
Selby turned off the shower and gave himself a big shake. Just then he heard the unmistakable tiny voice of Prunella Weedy saying,‘Selby?’
Selby looked around to see the whole girls’ hockey team standing and watching him, their noses sniffing the air.
‘I’ve been sprung!’ Selby thought. ‘I may have got rid of the Passion Potion but now they all know that I’m not just an ordinary non-talking, non-showering dog!’
‘Selby?’ the shocked girl said a little louder. ‘You’re … you’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen.’
‘Oh, no! I didn’t get rid of the Passion Potion after all!’ Selby thought as he saw the glazed eyes all around slowly turning to crazed eyes.‘Let me out of here!’
Suddenly a camera flashed.
‘I’m going to rip down all my posters of Todd Delvane and cover my walls with pictures of you, Selby,’ a girl screamed.
Suddenly Selby was snatched and stroked by seventeen supple pairs of hands.
‘You are my true love!’ one of the girls cried.
‘Back off!’ another girl said.‘He’s my true love!’
‘No, he’s not! He’s mine!’ another girl screamed, raising her hockey stick.
In a second there were punches, and screaming, and much pulling of hair as the girls rolled around in a mass on the ground.
‘They’re mad!’ Selby thought as he squiggled through a forest of kicking feet. ‘I’ve got to get out of here!’
‘There he goes! After him!’ the girls screamed.
Selby was running down the street with both hockey teams in hot pursuit along with Willy, Billy, Aunt Jetty, and now the Trifles and Madame Mascara. Everywhere people stopped to stare at them and then joined in.
