“You’re completely right, Blake, and I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened really. I guess I was just young and didn’t understand that what I was doing, or not doing, was hurting you. I was so focused on Derek; I just kind of moved on and left you behind.” I see his body tense and I know I’ve struck a nerve. Nevertheless, I continue.
“It wasn’t fair to you. You were, and still are, a great person. I was lucky to have you in my life then and extremely selfish when I decided I didn’t need you anymore. I can’t tell you how truly sorry I am. But what I can tell you is that I’m blessed you have entered my life for a second time, and I hope you and I can pick up where we left off, as friends. I don’t want to lose this, Blake. I was reckless enough to throw it away the first time; I hope I get the chance to prove to you that I won’t do it again.” When I’m finished, I continue to hold his eyes with mine so he can see my sincerity.
Still maintaining eye contact, Blake pushes himself off the counter and I hear his boots clank as he crosses my kitchen floor to where I’m standing. I want to look away, but I refuse to let myself. He needs to understand how I truly feel. So I look him in his beautiful face and stand my ground. He walks right up to me and simply puts the palm of his hand on the side of my face. He strokes my cheek with his thumb. He then moves his hand to slide a lock of my hair behind my ear and places his hand on my shoulder.
“I know, Alex. It just really hurt. You meant a lot to me. You were my best friend.” He lets out a deep breath. “But you’re right, that’s the past. So consider it water under the bridge. I was always there for you, whether you wanted me to be or not, and I always will be.”
With that, he turns and walks out of the kitchen. I continue leaning against the counter, mainly to catch my breath. It seems to have left my lungs.
Well, that was…unexpected. I run my fingers through my hair and focus on my breathing. Finally, after regaining my composure, I make my way to leave the kitchen. I guess there’s really nothing left to say about the past. Blake Morgan is here, now, in my life and evidently plans to stay.
Smiling, I walk into the living room where Blake is sitting on the couch flipping through the channels. I casually take a seat on the other end. I pull my legs up to my chest and turn to look at him, placing my cheek on the tops of my knees.
“Nice exit strategy,” I say to him with a huge smile on my face. “Very compelling.”
“You like that?” he asks me, joining in my amusement. “It’s my power move. Did it work? Did you find it more effective or dramatic? ”
“Definitely effective Blake, nice work.” Laughing heartily I add, “I’m sure that works well with the ladies.”
Still smiling, Blake shakes his head. “Nope, no girlfriends. My life’s too busy. I don’t really have the time to devote to someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to them or to me.”
I’m pretty sure my eyes bug out of my head. “What? How is that possible? I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but you’re freakin’ hot! How do you not have a million girls lined up waiting for you?”
He lets out a sexy chuckle. “Alex, I didn’t say there weren’t girls. Just nothing serious. I guess I’m just waiting for someone who I actually want to make a priority, not one that I feel like I have to.”
“Oh,” I say looking down at my feet. How many girls? I swear I feel a jealous tug in my heart. Weird.
“What about you?” he asks.
I glance back up and shake my head back at him. “No, no one since Derek passed. I don’t really feel like I’ve moved on from him. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever will. He was part of my life for so long; I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. Plus, I do have three children and I’m thirty-three years old. It’s not like I have guys lined up around the block waiting to date me and my children. Most men my age are either married or there’s something severely wrong with them.” I point at him and giggle. He grins beautifully back at me.
“Not to mention,” I add, “dating actually takes time, of which I have none. So, no, there’s no one right now.”
He puts his hand up to his face and rubs his jaw with his fingers as he eyes me for a while – like he is mulling over something in his head. When he’s through, he stands up and moves to take a seat so close to me, that when he sits down on the couch, I almost topple over. He leans over right in my face and simply says, “Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?” I ask, raising my eyebrows in question.
“You heard me. That’s complete bullshit. I get your issue with Derek. I knew your relationship personally so I know how much you loved each other and I guess you’ll move on in your own time. But you can’t sit here and tell me that you can’t date because you have three children, because you’re thirty-three, or because you have no time. Those are excuses that you’re using to protect yourself. I know you, Alex. Believe or not, I still know how you work. You have to be in control all the time or you’re out of your comfort zone. I’m sure dating would definitely fall into that category.”
He’s so close I can feel his breath on my face. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Alex. I know it isn’t pleasant to talk about, so I’m going to drop it because you’ve been through a lot today. But I don’t ever want to hear you sell yourself short again. You’re a great mom. You’re still very young and extremely beautiful – something you never realized and obviously still don’t. You have a lot of life left to live, Alex. I don’t want to see you give up when you still have so much to look forward to.” He gives me a shy smile and a shrug of his shoulders as he backs out of personal space. “I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t say something. I hope you aren’t pissed.”
I immediately look down to my feet and start picking off Nycole’s bright blue glitter nail polish. “No, I get it. I understand. Harlow just delivered me pretty much the same lecture. Nancy too. I know you guys are right, but it just doesn’t feel right, you know? I know my girls deserve more,” I say feeling my throat starting to constrict, “and I’m doing the best I can right now. I guess I just feel like I’ll be dishonoring Derek’s memory if I move on.”
Blake shakes his head at me. “Alex, you couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re not being fair to yourself.”
“It’s not about me or being fair to myself. It’s about Derek.” I feel moisture gathering in the corners of my eyes. “I guess I’m just scared that if I move on with someone else, we...,” I take in a deep breath, “we…won’t remember him.” I lose the battle against the tears and begin to cry.
Blake moves in once again to comfort me, placing his arms protectively around my body and pulling me close to his. And I let him. Because, with each tear that falls down my face, I begin to feel a peace in my soul that I haven’t felt in years. I have never revealed that to anyone. Not even Harlow. It’s something that I’ve kept safely locked up in my heart.
I feel like I’m taking my first real breath in three years and I have Blake to thank for that. So, I let him stay with me as I cry. The tears washing my soul with a peace I had no idea I would ever feel again.
Thank you, once again, Blake Morgan.
An hour later, Blake and I are still sitting on the couch. With my feet in his lap, I’m giving him the “Where Are They Now” version of the Waco High class of ’97.
I’ve been relaying to him how lucky he was not to marry his god-awful prom date, Ashley Thompson. For some reason, there has always been some unspoken hatred between us. I’m not sure what the reason was, if there even was one, for this animosity. But it was something that started when we were in junior high and still hasn’t been resolved.
“Blake, seriously, she’s slept with every man in Waco. It’s gross.” I make a gagging noise and look at him in disgust. “I can’t believe you took her to prom. She was such a hooker.”
Blake looks back at me and grins. “Hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Don’t blame me, blame my hormones.”
I give him my most disapproving look. “Gross, Bl
ake.”
Elbows behind his head, he leans back into the couch and props his boots up on my coffee table. I push them off with my foot. “Don’t get all huffy because I didn’t approve of your date. You could’ve done much better. And her dress,” I wrinkle my nose and shake my head at him, “was rather unfortunate. Teal? Really? And it barely covered her ass. Don’t even get me started on her inebriated state. I was actually embarrassed for her.”
Blake immediately cuts me off. “First of all, the girl I really wanted to take was…unavailable. Second, she didn’t keep the dress on that long anyway. Trust me.” I make a much louder, much more overdramatic gagging sound. I can actually feel the bile in the back of my throat.
Blake rolls his eyes at me and smiles a sexy lop-sided smile. “Third…what do you mean you didn’t approve?”
“Okay…that’s really gross, Blake. I really don’t want to talk about her anymore.” I give him a light shove on the leg with my foot. “And of course I noticed. As your first best friend, I reserved my right to judge your dates. I just never said anything.” And I did. I remember that now. No one ever seemed good enough for him.
He gives me a satisfied smile. “Okay, we can drop all discussion of Ashley Thompson.” He shifts his body to face me. “How old is Rylie again?”
I let out a sigh of relief. Really, that woman gets my blood pressure abnormally high. I sit up and hug my knees to get comfortable before continuing.
“She’s four. She’s a handful, right?”
“No, not really. I think she’s pretty much a normal four year old,” Blake says confidently.
“How do you know so much about kids, anyway? Is there something you aren’t telling me?” I gasp and point my finger at him. “You’re not the father of her illegitimate children are you?”
He lets out a laugh. “Nope, no illegitimate children. But, Rebecca does have two legitimate children of her own. I hang with them all the time. They actually live about thirty miles from me, so I spend a lot of time over there. It gets kind of lonely living by myself sometimes. “
“Oh my God! I completely forgot to ask you how your sister’s doing! I’m such a shitty friend, Blake, I’m sorry.”
“Alex, it isn’t like we’ve had a lot of time to sit down and chat. We’ve been kinda busy with bar fights, finger contusions, glass breaking, Barney and his crazy adventures… don’t worry, it’s fine,” he says with a reassuring smile. “She’s good though. Happily married to her college sweetheart. She’s the stay at home mom of Jonathon, who’s seven years old, and Timothy, who’s five years old. She’s really happy.”
“That’s great. I’m glad for her. She was always so sweet to me. I remember that one time I fell down and ripped my skirt climbing your tree and I was freaking out that mom would find out…remember? She sewed it up like that,” I said with a snap of my fingers. “Mom never knew a thing. I guess she always had that maternal instinct. Me – not so much,” I finish with a laugh.
Blake smiles back at me. “Well, I don’t know about that. But I do know you have great kids. They each have a different piece of your personality. Even for the short time I’ve been around them, that’s pretty easy to see. They love you so much, Alex. You have no idea how lucky you are.”
I nod my head in response. “Yeah, I definitely have great kids. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t always been easy. Especially after Derek passed, it was pretty difficult. But they’re strong and they made it through the hard parts. I think they’re happy. I hope they are at least.”
I can tell Blake is shaking his head, but I opt to keep looking at my feet.
“They’re strong because of you Alex. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You had the strength to make it through the loss of Derek, carrying your children along with you. That couldn’t have been easy. And look at how wonderful and loving they are, even after everything that they’ve had to go through. That’s a powerful testament to you and your strength. You should be proud of that, Alex. Not everyone could have handled that. But YOU did.”
I let out a sigh, finally picking off the last bit of nail polish from my toes.
“I guess. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. Blake, telling those girls their daddy wasn’t coming back – to this day I don’t know how I did it, but they were strong too, and I guess that gave me strength. I think that’s why we’re all so close. Going through something like that together, well – it makes you really grasp how important your life is,” I say to him, shrugging my shoulders.
Blake seems to hesitate for a second. I know what’s going through his head before he even asks it, and I’m prepared for it.
“Do you mind if I ask what happened that day? The day Derek died?”
Seeing as though I’ve already met my emotional breakdown quota over the last couple of days, I actually feel okay sharing this piece of my life with him. I find myself wanting to share it with him, like, he needs to know what happened that day in order to really know me. Because of this, I nod my head yes, grab his hand, and begin to tell him my story.
He sits quietly as I tell him about the phone call to the office. I tell him how Harlow drove me to Round Rock and about both of us trying to hold it together. Next, I tell him about seeing the accident on the way – his eyes widen in surprise when I describe to him the state of Derek’s car as it lay alongside the highway. I go into detail about Derek’s appearance when I first saw him in the hospital and how badly he was hurt. Finally, I tell him exactly what happened when Derek passed.
He continues to hold my hand, squeezing it to help give me the strength to get through the more difficult parts. And I squeeze his hand back, because I have to keep in mind that although Derek was my husband, he was also Blake’s friend. And as difficult as it is for me to relive that day, it’s probably just as difficult for Blake to hear. Coming to the end of my story, I find my hand contract around Blake’s rather tightly. As I lessen the hold, I tilt my head, shrug my shoulders, and smile a sad smile.
“Then I came home and had to tell the girls that he was gone. That he had an accident and he wouldn’t be coming home.”
Blake continues holding my hand. “What did you tell them? I mean, how did you explain something like that to your children?”
I shrug my shoulders again. “Well, I explained to them about death, about Heaven, and about guardian angels…because I believe that Derek watches over us to this day. I made sure to tell them that every single bit of him still lived through them. How incredibly blessed they were to have been able to know and understand what a wonderful daddy he was. I let them know that they were so lucky compared to Rylie. She was so young; she wouldn’t have many memories of him – if any. But they did. I told them that they should hold on tightly to those memories and remember how much he loved them. Remember how he would play horsey on the floor with them, and wrestle, and carry them on his shoulders when taking them to bed. I let them know it was okay to laugh when they remember his silly faces, his tickles, and how he would play Big Bad Wolf or zombie while chasing them around the house.”
I find myself smiling as I relay this part to Blake. Derek was a really good zombie. He kinda creeped me out actually.
Blake smiles back and nods his head, encouraging me to go on. He stays silent, allowing me as much time as I need to speak.
“I told them they should smile when they remember his hugs and his kisses, how he would throw them up in the air as high as could, and how he would often fall asleep with them in their bed reading their favorite bedtime stories. I wanted them to be proud of him and to never be ashamed that they missed him. I encouraged them to cry as much as they needed to cry and to talk when they needed to talk. I wanted them to know that even though they lost him, I would always be there for them, to help them. But I didn’t really set a great example in the beginning.”
I sigh heavily. This part of my life was the most painful to talk about.
“It wasn’t easy by any means, Blake. There were some days I couldn�
�t get out of bed. As much as I love my girls, I was just so sad. So sad I can’t even put it into words. Completely broken. The pain in my chest was unbearable some days, like my insides were completely hollowed out. Some days I couldn’t breathe, some days I would cry all day long, and some days…I couldn’t do anything but sit there in my bed because my body was so physically exhausted from the grief. I would just lay there and think about Derek. Questioning how in the world I was supposed to make it without him. He was my life for so long, I didn’t know how to live it or even function without him. Thank God for Harlow and Nancy. They took turns making sure the girls were okay while I dealt with everything. They cooked for them, bathed them, read to them, got them up in the morning, took them to school. They did everything they could to make sure my girls were completely taken care of while I took the time I needed to grieve. I mean, some days were okay, but some days were – well…they were just really bad.”
I look down at my hand because it’s tingling and I realize that Blake’s squeezing my hand so tightly, he’s completely cut off the circulation in my fingers. When I glance back to his face, I find his eyes wandering all over mine. Surprisingly, for once, it’s not the look of sympathy that I have grown to hate over the last three years. His expression is one of such compassion and tenderness that I catch myself holding my breath.
But I can also tell he’s upset about something. The look on his face isn’t quite matching up with the death grip he has on my hand.
“Blake, I’m okay now,” I say with a smile because, honestly, I’m completely dumbfounded by his reaction. I can’t help but find it humorous. I look back down at my hand. He follows my gaze and when he sees my purple fingers, he immediately lets go. I wiggle my fingers to get the circulation going again.
“I only have one good hand left, Blake, please be careful with it,” I say with a chuckle.
Before I have a chance to say anything else, he’s up off the couch, pacing back and forth through the living room, raking his hand through his hair. He seems extremely aggravated about something. What the hell just happened in the last couple of seconds?
Running on Empty Page 11
