Running on Empty

by L. B. Simmons

  After quickly introducing Trace to the girls before he and Blake walk out the door, I find myself in my bedroom, lying flat on my back across the bed. Holding my hurt hand against my chest, I stare at the armoire where I put Blake’s clothes just hours ago.

  So much has happened over the last twenty-four hours. I guess that’s the sign of a true friend; you can literally go years without speaking, but when you meet again you just pick up right where you left off, never skipping a beat. I smile to myself as I think of Blake joking with the girls in the kitchen, quoting movie lines with me, humming the Barney song, making breakfast…yeah, there’s something very comforting about this friendship. My heart feels peaceful, a feeling I haven’t felt in years.

  I hear Harlow shouting something to the girls about “her” bathroom while she approaches my bedroom. Opening the door, she looks at me and smiles.

  “There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Sorry, I had to run and catch Trace before he left. When I came back in, you were nowhere to be found.” She grabs a pillow and lies down next to me on the bed. “I know this sounds overly dramatic, which I am completely not, but it’s going to be weird not seeing him for a while.” She lets out a frustrated breath and covers her face with her hands. “What is wrong with me?”

  Turning my head to face her, I laugh.

  “Well, the list is so long that I have to break it up into categories and then subcategories…where would you like me to start?”

  “Alex! I’m serious. I’ve never felt this way about a man. I usually just sleep with them and then conveniently lose their phone numbers.” She lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s weird. I feel like I can’t get enough of Trace. He’s different. I don’t know…it’s hard to explain.”

  “Harlow, there’s nothing to explain. I’ve been there. I know how it feels when you start to fall in love.” I watch her eyes double in size. I can’t tell if the look on her face is from surprise that I actually said it or the idea of her actually being in love with anyone. I begin to laugh so hard at the look on her face that warm tears begin to stream out of my eyes and into my hair. Only Harlow can make falling in love this funny.

  Trying to control my laughter I clear my throat and try to speak. “Harlow, seriously, it’s okay to have feelings for someone. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Actually, it makes you almost human.” Her mouth shoots open and she gasps dramatically. Then, she reaches over and smacks my arm. I, in turn, smack her back with my good hand which leads to a two minute long smackfest.

  “Okay! Okay! Truce!” I shout. She gives me a long look, waiting for me to smack her one more time, something I’ve been known to do in this situation. She relaxes when she realizes she’s no longer in danger.

  I smile widely at her, declaring my victory. “Well, glad we’ve gotten that out of our system.” I clear my throat again to finish what I started to say before our very mature smack battle. “Anyway…Harlow, I think it’s a good thing you to want to be around him. I know it scares you, but it’s scary for most people, not just you. Just look at all the happy couples out there; don’t you want even a little bit of that for yourself? Because, my dear, if anyone deserves that happiness it’s you.”

  “Alex, I’m not even going to say how much you need to heed your own advice.” Harlow shakes her head. “But I will say that yes, it does scare me. I mean, I was there when Derek died too. I lived everyday with you, watching his death almost break you. It was then that I decided I would never allow myself to become that vulnerable with anyone. But I find myself thinking that Trace might be worth it.”

  I can see the sadness in her eyes when she looks into mine. I know it’s hard for her to talk about what happened with Derek. We were all really close; those two were like brother and sister. I’m not even sure she had a chance to grieve because she jumped straight into “help Alex function in day to day life” mode. I give her a slight smile and turn my head in the opposite direction, looking once again at the armoire.

  I understand how she feels. “Yeah, I get that Harlow. Completely.” The comfort of Blake’s friendship, the way it makes me feel, definitely makes me vulnerable. I never thought I would ever let anyone else into my life after Derek passed. But after spending the weekend with Blake, I can’t picture my life without his friendship. And I don’t want to. So, yeah, I completely understand where Harlow’s coming from.

  I turn back to her and shrug my shoulders. “I guess you just have to figure out if he’s worth taking the chance. I have to agree with the old adage…‘It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.’ Luckily I had that love once, and I think you deserve to have it too, hopefully with a happier ending. But you’ll never have your happy ending unless you’re brave enough to open the book and start your story.”

  Harlow sighs heavily.

  “Alex, you can have more than one happy ending. It bothers me when you say things like that. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you. Are you really convinced that you have to spend it alone?” she reluctantly asks.

  “It’s not that I’m convincing myself, I just can’t see it happening. I have too much going on to make time for that stuff and my girls get priority. Maybe when they’re older I can take time for me, but until then, I’m not going to abandon them while I pursue a failed love life. It’s just not going to happen. I’ve already accepted that and I really wish you would. You have someone in your life who makes you happy, let’s just concentrate on that for a while, okay?”

  “Oh alright, Alex,” she huffs at me, “But I’m not dismissing this conversation completely, I’m just postponing it. Understand?”

  I shoot a wide grin at her and exhale a sigh of relief. “Now,” I say with heightened amusement, “Tell me about this dove hunt!”

  I don’t think Harlow understands anything at all about dove hunting, but she evidently enjoyed herself. Though she does admit, in strict confidence of course, that she absolutely hated getting up at five o’clock in the morning. Duh. She must have put on an academy award winning performance with Trace, because the poor man has no idea how much Harlow hates mornings.

  Or maybe she only likes mornings with Trace?

  I really hope this is the case. I would hate for him to have to witness the early morning, long-winded, and ridiculously loud temper tantrums she has when woken up before she’s ready.

  She also admits to having a wonderful time during the hunt; he was very “up-close and personal” when he was trying to teach her how to shoot. Needless to say, they didn’t shoot a thing.

  But, she did make wise use of the pockets in her vest that were supposed to hold the shells, throwing a lip gloss in one and a compact in the other. Trace evidently found this hilarious. This is extremely good to know, because that right there is 100% all Harlow Reed. She also refused to wear the ear protection he got for her, because it would’ve messed up her hair, so he gave her some ear plugs as a compromise. Flexible. Another trait that makes him perfect for Harlow.

  While I’m extremely happy for her, I’m also careful not to push. I can’t stand when she does it to me, and, if I do push her, she’ll just do the opposite; I know this from much experience. I lay next to her as she tells me about the trip with Trace and keep my mouth shut, but inside my head, I’m doing the happy dance.

  We decide after she finishes her story to actually make an effort to check on the children. We walk out of my room and down the hall while still talking about her weekend. Once we reach the living room, I can no longer concentrate on what she’s saying because I’m completely overwhelmed by the smell of bleach and pine scented cleanser.

  “Harlow, seriously?” I ask her rounding the corner heading to the bathroom. “Do they have to clean the bathroom every time you’re here? Please tell me you reminded them about the bleach spray?” I ask, picking up the pace.

  “Yes, I did…I don’t know why you’re freaking out! They asked me! They wanted to do it. They said something about saving money to buy stuff for breakfast�
��whatever that means.”

  Knowing exactly what it means, I smile to myself as I open the door and see my children hard at work.

  Rylie is wiping the outside of the toilet with a sponge…the one we use in the kitchen for the dishes.

  Watching her strain to clean the underside of the toilet, I shake my head. Poor girl, one day she’s going to figure out that cleaning the toilet is not as “glamorous” as her sisters make it out to be. Sisters will be sisters I guess, and Rylie’s very smart, so once she figures it out for herself, I’m sure they’ll get what’s coming to them – with interest.

  I look over and see Nycole bending over, rinsing the tub with water. She takes all of Rylie’s bathtub toys and puts them in the mesh frog hanging from the shower head. Water from the toys drips all over the back of her shirt when she bends down to grab the last one. She looks up in frustration, and it takes every ounce of strength I have to not laugh.

  I then glance over to Kyndall, who’s biting her bottom lip as she tries to clean the toothpaste spots off of the mirror. She’s almost tall enough to reach over the sink without stretching, but not quite. She stops a couple of times to shake her arm as it’s evidently getting very tired from having to scrub the mirror so hard. Good – maybe that’ll teach them to not spray their toothpaste spit all over the place.

  I watch all of them and their hard work. I guess when they really want something they’ll actually work together without almost killing each other. Good to know.

  “Wow guys, you want to do my bathroom next?” I watch their faces turn to me in horror. “Whoa! I’m totally kidding – Jeez!” These kids really need to get a sense of humor.

  Once I feel that I’m no longer in danger, I place my hands on Kyndall’s shoulders. “Seriously, girls...It looks awesome in here!” Then, I bend down so they can all hear me as I lower my voice. “Listen, be sure to get as much as you can out of Harlow. I plan on having a big breakfast.”

  Nycole lets out a sigh and they all flash me their pearly whites. I think they’re relieved I’m not getting on to them for focusing on the breakfast with Blake already. How can I? I kinda miss him too. The poor man has only been gone for not even an hour and we’re all acting like a bunch of Blake-fiends.

  “Now – I’m gonna go keep Harlow busy so you can finish, although it looks like you’re almost done. Just remember girls, no bleach spray on or around anyone’s body. This includes the head and hair. You got it?”

  “Yes ma’am!” they shout back.

  Once again lowering my voice to a whisper, I add, “Alright. And,” I motion for them to come close, “I’m completely serious, get as much as you can get. Think big, big breakfast.” They nod at me with full understanding. “Okay,” I say while giving them all an embrace and a quick wink before leaving them to their cleaning.

  Walking out into the living room, I glance up to the TV and see Duckie from Pretty in Pink singing “Try a Little Tenderness”. I stop by the couch and giggle as I watch Harlow slide out of the kitchen across the floor of the kitchen into the living room, Risky Business style, broom in hand for microphone, singing the infamous Otis Redding song.

  “I love Duckie! He should’ve ended up with Andie. Blane was such a jerk,” she says, now dancing across the living room. She removes her socks and slides on a pair of my old flip flops. “Hey – I found a huge chunk of glass on the floor in the kitchen under the pantry door. Be careful if you walk in there. I’m going to sweep, but just in case, we might want to wear shoes. What happened?” she asks, turning from the TV to face me.

  “Well, I kind of had an emotional breakdown when I dropped a glass in the kitchen, clearly not one of my better moments. Blake and the girls cleaned up, but they evidently missed some pieces. This is why I like to do things myself.” I hold up gauze covered fingers in her face. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

  Harlow rolls her eyes and pokes me with the broom handle. “You’ll do it as long as you have to. Now, go get some shoes on and come into the kitchen. I want to hear how your weekend went.”

  “Jeez…pushy! Alright, let me go grab my boots. I’ll be in there in a sec.”

  I walk to my bedroom and grab my trusty ol’ imitation UGG boots, slide them over my bare feet, and shuffle into the kitchen. Seeing Harlow’s backside in the air sweeping debris into the dustpan, I just can’t help myself. I snicker as I push it gently with my foot. She stumbles a little before she catches her balance.

  “What was that for, heifer?” she smirks in my direction.

  “For you, heifer!” I say though laughter. “Because I love you.”

  “Whatever, heifer! If I fall forward and ruin my gorgeous face, you will have muy problemos!”

  I could go ‘round and ‘round with her, because trust me, we’ve done it before. But I make the decision to stop it before it turns into hours of “heifer” quotes. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of lovingly calling your best friend a female cow…over and over again.

  “You asked about my weekend?” I say with challenging eyes. I clearly win because after dumping the pan’s contents into the trash, she turns to me with a delighted look on her face.

  “Yes, please, do tell,” she says, unsuccessfully trying to hide her excitement.

  I downplay as much as possible. I don’t want her getting excited and pushing anything with Blake.

  “Well, it was really nice actually. Harlow, I don’t even know what to say. He was…perfect. I mean, the girls obviously really like him. He watched Barney with them, read to them, and put them to bed when I couldn’t. He helped me with basically everything I would let him do.” I stop and look at Harlow’s disapproving face. “What?”

  “You know that you aren’t the master of the universe, right? Do you understand that you don’t have the ability to control people’s minds? I’m just asking because I’m pretty sure Blake is an adult and you didn’t have any say in what he did to help you. I mean, he helped you with what he wanted to help you with, and judging from the state of your hand, that was just about everything. I don’t know why you have to rationalize it to yourself that you let him do it.”

  Um, okay. Not really where I was heading with this conversation, but it seems she thinks she has a point, so I amend my previous statement.

  “He helped with everything because he’s so wonderful and I should marry him and have twelve more kids. Is that what you where looking for?” I add, managing a smile. I really hope she didn’t pick up on the thick layer of sarcasm I laid out for her.

  She must still be coming down from her Trace-high because she only laughs. I have gotten worse reactions from saying much less.

  “Alex, I get you. I know you don’t want to depend on anyone and I understand that. But people help you because they want to, not because you let them. So if it makes you feel better to think that Blake was here and helped you because you allowed it, then that’s your prerogative. But it’s my job, as your best friend, to point out that we’re going to help you no matter what you allow us to do. Otherwise, what kind of friends would we be?”

  I let out an obvious groan. “You know, I really hate when you pull that philosophical shit. It makes me feel stupid, because you’re always right.”

  Smiling as though she just won a gold medal in the Olympics, she motions for me to continue.

  “Okay, so I had a couple of breakdowns while you were gone,” I continue as fast as I can, hoping that if I speak quickly, she won’t actually hear what I have to say.

  “I, um, broke a glass trying to do things by myself…breakdown number one. But the second one wasn’t my fault. He asked me about the day Derek died, so I think I deserve a ‘get out of jail free card’ with that one.”

  “Acceptable. Go on.” she replies.

  “Well, after the breakdown sessions were over, we actually had a great time. I haven’t laughed like that in forever. I don’t know. There’s a comfort I have with him that I can’t explain. It feels really…good. I don’t feel like I have to pre
tend with him, you know?” Harlow nods her head in response.

  “Yeah, I understand. There’s nothing you need to explain. Just let it be and enjoy the friendship. Let him in, Alex. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to fight everything.”

  I absolutely adore this woman.

  I walk over to her and give her a tight embrace. “I love you, you know,” I say, pulling back and placing my hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m wonderful. I know. I love you too, sweetie. I must, because I don’t get all mushy over just anyone.”

  “Except maybe Trace?” I ask her with a mischievous grin on my face.

  She lets out a laugh. “Definitely Trace.”

  “I’m really happy for you, Harlow. I hope it works out for the two of you. There’s definitely something there. You would have to be blind to not see it.”

  She gives me a love struck smile and I know my friend is in trouble, a good kind of trouble. A, jump in both feet first and lose yourself, kind of trouble. I give her a nudge with my elbow and smile back.

  “I’m gonna go check on the girls. They’ve been pretty quiet for a while, which always makes me nervous.” I turn to leave the kitchen. Rounding the corner to head to the bathroom, I almost run over Rylie.

  “We’re done, Mommy!” she says beaming with excitement. “I’m gonna ask Harlow for our money. Nycole and Kyndall said I was littler so I would get more than they would.” I watch her skip away to collect their money. I can’t help but laugh to myself. Jeez…my kids never fail to surprise me with their ingenuity.

  I check out the bathroom and it is indeed sparkling clean. I continue on to the older girls’ room since I can hear Kyndall’s voice getting louder as I make my way down the hallway. I stop by the door to listen before I open.

  “I had so much fun with Blake! He was so nice and he let me ride on his shoulders! I can’t wait until we get to see him again!” Kyndall say enthusiastically. Okay, I guess this would be an opportune time to discuss Blake with the girls. I know it may be premature, but I want to make sure they understand my relationship with him.