There’s a family picture of them in the mountains, probably at Blake or Rebecca’s house in Colorado. I see his two nephews in the picture and giggle to myself because they both bear a strong resemblance to their uncle. He is crouched down beside them in the picture, arms around them with huge grins on all of their faces.
Next, I come to a picture of Blake and Rebecca in high school. It’s taken right on the front porch; Blake is dressed in a pair of khaki dress pants and a blue button down shirt with a red tie. His light brown hair is styled the way he used to wear it, with tons of gel to spike it up in the front. Seeing him at that age in the picture, I feel a stab of pain in my heart.
Floods of memories enter my mind. I remember Derek’s hand in mine as he walked me to class, the quick kisses he would give me before school. How we’d talk for hours in the back of his truck, my back leaned against his stomach, his legs on either side of me. We planned our future wedding, discussed our future children, designed our future house. I would have made each moment with him last as long as I possibly could if I’d known that future would be cut so short.
Wiping a tear from the corner of my eye, I move to the next picture. It’s a candid shot of Blake and me when we were about twelve years old, sitting on his front porch, eating popsicles. We’re sitting on the porch rail, feet dangling, looking at each other as we’re caught by the camera mid laugh. I pick up the picture to take a closer look. Inspecting our faces, I’m taken aback at how happy and peaceful I look. God, I used to love to laugh with Blake. Even though I was very young in this picture, it reminds me of the way I feel when I am with Blake now…the comfort…the familiarity…the warmth. I don’t remember ever being around Blake and not feeling that way.
Now that I think about it, my feelings around Derek and Blake were actually very similar. They both had a way of making my heart feel happy and full of life.
I place the picture frame back on the table and think about Derek and Blake. Is it wrong that I feel so comfortable around Blake? Is it wrong that I’ve also begun to feel somewhat uncomfortable around Blake? Would Derek hate me because of it? Would he be disappointed in me if I develop feelings for another man? Or would he want me to move on, like Nancy suggested?
I really wish he was here to explain to me what the hell I’m supposed to do now. I almost feel like I need his permission to move on and that I’m stuck in some kind of limbo until I get it. And seeing as though he’s no longer available for consultation, I don’t anticipate getting any answers anytime soon.
Still lost in thought, I make my way to the kitchen. I open the refrigerator and grab the two bottles of grape sports drink and the two bottles of orange. How did he remember I love grape? There’s no way he could have remembered that. We haven’t had this stuff since we were in junior high. Maybe it was just a lucky guess…or maybe the orange ones were for me?
I grab the sandwiches and close the refrigerator door. Hands full, I turn to place all of our goodies on the counter next to the cooler, but when I see what’s already beside it, I almost drop everything to the floor. There’s no way.
Next to the cooler, is an apple pie with the sugar and cinnamon on the top just like his mother used to make. “Mrs. Morgan?” I say to myself, half expecting her to pop her head around the corner. I notice a piece of paper lying by the pie. In Blake’s handwriting it reads:
Smiling, I cut two pieces of pie for us and place them in the plastic container that he laid out. I grab the thermos of milk, put the sandwiches and drinks in the cooler as well, and zip it closed. Throwing it over my shoulder, I make my way to the front door.
Walking out onto the porch, I close the door behind me and smile. Blake is leaning against my Suburban, waiting for me. He looks amused when I approach him.
“I found the pie,” I say, removing the cooler from my shoulder and handing it to him. Taking it from my grasp, he grins back at me. “How’d you remember I loved that pie? And how’d you remember I love grape drinks? Seriously Blake, it’s been so many years.”
He moves his body closer to mine and looks me directly in the eyes. “Well…the pie was for me. I’m just sharing it with you. And it’s kind of hard not to remember the grape drinks. You would always end up with a purple mustache after you’d drink them. I’d laugh at you behind your back for hours,” he adds with a chuckle.
I involuntarily move my hand to cover my mouth. “What? No way, Blake. No one gets a mustache from drinking a grape sports drink. You’re totally making that up.”
“Whatever you say, Alex. I’m the one who had to look at it,” he says, giving me a wink. He turns to open the passenger door and motions for me to get in. “Come on, mustache.”
I shove his shoulder as hard as I can in annoyance and climb in the truck. Before he closes the door, he puts his arm up above my head, and leans his whole body forward so that he’s actually inside with me. My whole entire body begins to vibrate and my heart pounds against my chest. The breath in my throat catches when he leans a little further, his face right in front of mine.
“Okay fine – you got me. I did make that up.” He pauses for a brief second.
“I actually made the pie for you.” He shoots me a sexy grin, withdraws his body and closes my door.
After Blake backs the boat into the water, I drive my Suburban up the ramp and park it. I grab the cooler and trudge to the boat dock where he’s waiting for me. I pause for a brief second to take in the lake and its surroundings. I let my body sway with the movement of the water. I can feel it under my feet as it rocks the dock from side to side. I breathe the lake air into my lungs and listen to the sound of the water hitting the rocks on the side. I sigh out loud.
God, I’ve missed this.
I scoot my feet to the edge where Blake is waiting for me and attempt to step into the boat. But as soon as I lift my foot, a huge wave knocks the dock and with the weight of the cooler, I lose my balance. I decide it’s safer to just drop straight to my bottom than to land in the lake, so I do just that. I fall backwards and brace myself by throwing my arms behind me. Once I’ve successfully landed, I look up to see Blake staring at me with his mouth open and his eyes widened with surprise. I lie back on the dock and belt out a laugh. I can’t help it. I lift my head to glance back at Blake. Although he’s managed to cover his mouth, his eyes are still huge, which makes me laugh even harder. I look up into the sky and try to gain my composure.
“If it wasn’t nine-thirty in the morning, I’d be worried that you’re drunk!” Blake shouts from the boat. “What is that? The second time you’ve had balance issues this morning?”
I giggle while I bring myself back to my feet. I dust off my bottom and the back of my tank top. “Maybe it would’ve been better for me to have a few drinks this morning. It couldn’t get any worse, that’s for sure.” I grab the strap to the cooler that luckily landed right side up so there’s no damage to its contents. Hoisting it on my shoulder, I feel another huge wave knock the dock and I tip a little to the side.
“Get me off of here! I’m getting a complex!” I fight to regain my balance once again, and scoot closer towards Blake. He’s moved the boat as close to the dock as he can. Another big wave crashes into the dock. “Ahh! Help me, Blake!” I yell.
Blake leans forward as far as he can and reaches for me. I hand him the cooler. Throwing it to the side, he shouts though his laughter, “Not the cooler, Alex, you!” He grabs my hands and pulls me so hard, he loses his balance and falls backward into the boat, bringing me with him. I land flush with his body, my arms against his chest, his arms curved around my body. Blake squeezes me tightly and I can feel his entire body shaking from laughter. Giggling along with him, I finally raise my head off of his chest. “Well, that was interesting,” I remark as my laughter dies down. Looking at his face, I realize the intimate position our bodies are in right now. I watch the smile on his lips disappear and I’m pretty sure he just noticed it as well. I slowly move my eyes to his. I hold his stare because there’s something in his eye
s calling to me. I want to lose myself in them. To give in, completely lose control, and stay like this forever.
Okay… I need to get my body off of his ASAP.
I put my hands on both sides of him to push my body off of his. When I get to my feet, I offer him my hand to help him up. He takes it and I force all of my weight backwards to offset his pull. Standing up, he looks me right in the eye. “Yeah, that was very interesting.”
We definitely need a subject change.
I clear my throat and I smooth out the wrinkles in my clothes. Looking over to the cooler, I shake my head in disapproval. “Well, I hope my piece of pie is still edible.”
Blake gives me a slight apologetic smile. “Sorry about that. I just wanted to get you in the boat. You weren’t doing so hot up there.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m a little out of practice.” I walk over and turn the cooler to its rightful position. “Okay, now that I’m successfully in the boat, let’s go catch some fish.”
I deposit myself into the seat next to the driver’s and prop my feet up onto the side of the boat. “Come on captain. Put this baby in gear!”
Blake takes his seat behind the wheel. “You might want to hold on to your cap. I plan on letting her spread her wings.”
I pull the cap lower on my head making it snug as possible. Blake puts the boat in reverse and soon after we’re coasting out of the “no wake zone”. When we pass the final buoy, he opens her up and we race across the lake. The speed is exhilarating. I lean my head back and allow myself to enjoy it. I feel the breeze all around me. My hair is whipping crazily as the wind blows it whichever way it wants. I breathe in every smell around me; the water, the air, the fish, the trees…it feels good, like home.
We drive around for a bit before slowing. Making our way into a cove, I immediately let out a gasp and cover my mouth in surprise. He responds with a shy smile and a shrug of his shoulders. “I thought you’d like it.”
I can’t believe he remembered this place. This is our cove. We used to haul all of our stuff down the hill and fish off of the bank. It was a trek, hiking through the trails with our tackle boxes and fishing poles, but it was always worth it.
I inhale deeply as my eyes survey the beauty surrounding me. There are willow trees, whose leaves dance just barely on the surface of the water, and a number of wisteria trees with beautiful purple blooms layering the bank all around us. The scent makes my heart swell.
Turning off the engine, we drift until we find our spot. I’d forgotten how serene it was here. The water was always so smooth; there were hardly ever any ripples on the surface. The only sound was the water just barely running into the bank. When I was younger, I would come to this very place anytime I needed to get away. It was the perfect haven. Evidently it still is.
I lean my head back as the boat gently rocks back and forth and inhale one long peaceful breath. “This is perfect, Blake. Thank you. Absolutely perfect.”
And for the first time in years, my head and my heart feel as calm as the waters below.
Sitting in the boat, Blake and I finish off our pieces of pie, which did in fact taste just like his mother’s, with our poles in the water, waiting for the next catch. While I lick my fork clean, I glance over at Blake; he’s watching me with an amused smile.
“What? It was good. I should have packed a couple of more pieces. I’d have never pegged you for a baker.” I put the fork back in the cooler, grab my pole, and resume watching my bobber float on the surface of the water.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Alex,” he says mysteriously.
“Like what?” I look over as he approaches and takes a seat next me. I watch him cast his line in the water.
“What do you want to know? Ask me anything.”
Hmm. Anything?
He turns to face me and I can’t help but notice the reflection of light from the water dancing off of his green eyes, making them look even greener. His light brown hair is flipping up at the ends, but where it is shorter by his eyes, it falls forward a bit. There’s a matching shade of scruff on his face that somehow I missed this morning. He looks amazing.
“Why no girlfriend?” I brazenly ask. Really, I want to know. The guy is gorgeous.
Facing forward, he lets out a long deep breath and scoots down to prop his feet up on the side of the boat. “Impossible standards, I guess.”
I feel a tug on my line and immediately turn away to look at the bobber. I eye it for a couple of seconds before I turn back. “What kind of impossible standards?”
Still facing the water, Blake seems to contemplate what he wants to say. “I don’t know, Alex. It’s hard to describe. I was in love with someone once but that was a very long time ago. Ever since then, no one seems to measure up. Impossible standards.”
A long time ago? When? I don’t remember him ever dating anyone seriously in high school. Eww…it wasn’t Ashley Thompson was it?
“What? When? I don’t remember that.” I feel another tug on my line. I jerk the pole a little.
“You probably weren’t paying attention. But you were there, I remember.” He tilts his head and angles his body towards mine. “You don’t remember?” He searches my face for some answer I obviously don’t have.
Another damn tug on the line.
This freakin’ fish could not have worse timing. I yank the pole backwards as hard as I can, not to hook the fish, but out of frustration. The line flies up out of the water, sails over my head, swings back in my direction, and seems to be gaining momentum as the hook heads directly for my face.
“Whoa! Alex, watch out!” is the last thing I hear before Blake slams his body into mine, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me protectively to the floor of the boat. As we’re crouched together, I notice that I can feel the scruff from his cheek tickling mine. I feel his warm breath in my ear and on my neck. I can feel his chest thumping against mine. I feel everything that is Blake.
I can’t help myself. With my arms still wrapped around him, I grab onto the back of his shirt with both hands and pull him closer so I can press my nose into his neck. Leather and soap. With one whiff, I am completely overwhelmed. So many feelings at one time.
I feel safe.
I felt protected.
I feel relief.
I feel scared.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel desire.
I feel…
Everything.
I don’t think I have felt anything in years. My wall has completely crumbled. The numbness of protection is gone.
My entire body is shaking while Blake holds me. And while I know that it’s from the flood of feelings I’ve just encountered, I’m sure that Blake thinks it’s in response to the near assault from the runaway hook. I stay in the comfort of his arms until I’m no longer trembling. When I’ve regained my control, I release his shirt and unwrap my arms. I lean back a little to look at his face and offer him an apologetic smile. “I thought I had one. Sorry.”
The tension in Blake’s face eases. I watch his eyes soften as they continue to hold mine. Slowly, he brings his hand to my face, curls his fingers around the back of my neck and lightly brushes my cheek with his thumb. We remain there in silence, just watching each other. After a couple of seconds, he leans forward, places his prickly cheek against mine and whispers softly in my ear, “Are you sure you don’t remember?” He presses his warm lips tenderly on my cheek.
Memories rush to my mind.
The lake. Blake’s boat. Laughing on the floor. A kiss on the cheek.
Then it all clicks.
Blake Morgan had been in love with me? I knew he loved me as a friend, but, in love? That’s a completely different ball game.
As I finally come to this realization, Blake’s warm lips leave my cheek and his arms move to circle my waist. He leans his head back and scans my face. I raise my eyebrows at him in disbelief. “I’m impossible standards?”
Blake’s lips form a breathtaking crooked smile when he looks d
irectly into my eyes. He chuckles under his breath. “Yep. You’re impossible standards.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “No way. How could I have not known? We were around each other every day until…” The smile fades from Blake’s face. He drops his gaze and looks over my shoulder at the water. “Until Derek,” he says.
Guilt consumes me. I had been so wrapped up in my own world that I completely left Blake behind and never looked back. My best friend – Blake Morgan.
Blake – who helped me every time I skinned my knee doing stupid bike stunts when we were kids.
Blake – who always let me have the last slice of his mom’s pies, even though he acted mad about it.
Blake – who took me fishing and always baited my hooks for me because it was gross.
Blake – who stepped aside as soon as I met Derek.
Blake – who watched helplessly while my life moved on without him.
Blake – who evidently was in love with me the whole time.
I look up at his face and feel the tears forming in my eyes. “I didn’t know.” I look down at my toes and reach up to wipe a tear before it has a chance to run down my face. I now fully understand his anger during our first interactions when he came back home. I feel Blake’s fingers under my chin as he presses me to look back at him. Once my eyes meet his, I just shake my head. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”
He pulls me close to his chest and holds me tight. “There was no way you could have known, Alex. I should’ve told you how I felt, but I didn’t. After you met Derek, I hoped I’d still have my chance. I waited, but the timing was never right. Then you guys got together. And that was it. All I could do was watch it happen and hate myself for never saying anything. I should have fought harder for you. I won’t let that happen again.”
He pulls back and looks me directly in the eyes. “I love you, Alex. I loved you when we were just kids…and I’ve continued to love you every day since.”
I pull him close and bury my head in his chest, letting my tears fall onto his shirt. He had every right to be disappointed in me. I get it. He loved me, and I left him behind, without a second thought.
Running on Empty Page 17
