“Yeah.” His voice was rough and he cleared his throat. “Yeah, that’s true. Well, mostly. Don’t get me wrong. I had quite a few lapses in college. In fact, I drank and smoked pot and nearly flunked out. That’s when I started AA. I knew I owed Ty. Except for a few slips, I’ve been more or less clean since six months before my twenty-seventh birthday.” He brought her hands to his lips and kissed them, then met her eyes, releasing her hands at the same time. “Didn’t do Ty much good, though, did it?”
“You don’t know that.” She put a hand on his chest to stop his protest. “Ty loved the Marines, Liam. I’m not sure that wasn’t his true vocation. Sure, he said he was going to retire and let the government pay for his MBA, but I couldn’t seem to get him to do it.” Her mouth quirked. “Even when I threatened to leave him.”
She felt his indrawn breath and appreciated his shock. “You’re not the only one carrying around a world of guilt, Liam. Ty told me he was going overseas again right after I found out I was pregnant with Jason. I couldn’t understand how he could do that to me. Not after—after the last time.”
Her voice broke and he put a hand over hers where it still rested on his chest. Close as they stood to each other, they couldn’t bridge the gap that stretched between them. Alicia took a long breath and continued. “I was angry. I told him I’d leave him if he didn’t retire. He had the choice. Retire and pay for part of his MBA himself or do another tour. I thought I could force him to choose me.” She lowered her eyes. “Obviously I was wrong. When I realized he wasn’t going to change his mind, I dropped it. I just didn’t say anything else about it, but I never took it back. I never told him I wouldn’t leave.” Her voice trailed away.
“Don’t say that, Alicia.”
“What else am I supposed to do? You’re leaving again.”
“I have to. You know I have to go.”
“Sure. You have to go. You had to sign up again. And what if you don’t come back this time?” She paused, lip trembling, hating her own self-pity, but angry enough to indulge in it. “What if the same thing happens to this baby that happened to the last one?”
“Don’t!” Ty reached for her and Alicia turned away.
“I won’t be here.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I swear I do. I can’t take it again, Ty.”
“I love you. I’m doing this for you and Gemma and the baby.”
“You’re doing this for you. You did this for you. And guess what? I’m done. I’ll be gone when you get back.”
Alicia gasped, reeling with the pain, and as the tears welled up in her eyes again she bit her lip, trying to force them back. She brought her other hand up to push away from Liam, suddenly too vulnerable to be so near him, but instead of letting her go, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her against him, his other hand behind her head, exerting gentle pressure on her until she gave in and collapsed in tears against his chest. “I didn’t mean it,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean it, but sometimes I wonder if he died thinking I did.”
“He knew you didn’t mean it.” His grip on her loosened a little, but she no longer wanted to move away from him. “Ty always knew. When we were kids, he could tell when I was really angry with him and when I just needed some space because I was pissed at my parents or something. I’m sure he knew how much you loved him.”
Alicia nodded and let herself relax against him. He stroked her back, and as the tension left her body, his caress went from comforting to stimulating. Almost as soon as she recognized the familiar aching sensation of desire, he drew away looking uncomfortable. “I should go.”
If he leaves now, we may never have another chance. And I want him.
Catching his arm, she waited until he turned back. Still not speaking, she stepped over to him, pulling him closer to her. Without meeting his gaze, she placed his hand on her waist, took his other hand and laced her fingers through his. Only then did she look up from their joined hands. “I don’t want you to leave,” she said, and the words were hardly spoken before he covered her mouth with his. He moved the hand at her hip lower, urging her body closer to his, and when she obliged, pushing her hips forward, he moaned softly, moving his lips to her neck and both his hands to her waist, tugging her T-shirt up to give himself access to her fevered skin.
A tiny click down the hall made them freeze. Alicia peered cautiously over his shoulder and saw Gemma stumbling, half-asleep, into the bathroom. Suddenly cold all over, she pulled away from Liam, who didn’t resist and moved silently into the living room as Alicia walked quickly down the hall to find Gemma washing her hands and yawning into the mirror. “Hi, Mommy.”
“Hi, baby. Are you okay?” She crossed her arms over her breasts and smiled at her daughter.
“I’m okay.” Gemma dried her hands and turned off the light, letting her mother guide her back to her bedroom and tuck her in. Alicia breathed a sigh of relief when she closed the door. She glanced toward the living room and, without thinking of any other alternatives, went back to him.
Liam sat quietly on the sofa, bent over with his elbows propped on his knees and his hands interlocked in front of him. He looked up when she entered, his entire expression one of anxiety.
“It’s okay. She’s asleep. She didn’t see anything.”
He exhaled slowly. “Thank God. I was so worried about that, for a minute it took my mind off how much I want you.”
“I know.” She sat beside him. “I forgot everything when we were…but then she came out…” Her voice trailed off and she was afraid to look at him. What if the desire she’d seen earlier was still in his eyes? How certain would she be then of what she was afraid was the truth?
“Is it too soon?”
His question caught her off guard and she hesitated for a long moment before turning to him with her hands spread to indicate she had no answer for him. “How can I answer that? I loved my husband, Liam. When he died, I honestly thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I can’t explain how I’ve fallen in love with you. Is it too soon? Well, I can honestly say I still love him, but then I always will.”
“I wouldn’t want you to stop loving him.”
She nodded, remembering Gemma’s question about the two princes. “Then I can’t really see that there’s an expiration date. I’m happy when I’m with you and I think I’m ready to be happy again. The question is, how do we convince the rest of the world?”
“You mean it wouldn’t work…us, that is…here.”
She looked up at his words, relieved. “Exactly. I can’t… I mean, I have to consider my children and my family. Everybody already thinks—” Everybody already thinks we’re involved. And maybe they have good reason to. Maybe I’ve been attracted to you all this time and just denying it. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I could just be friends with you. She lowered her eyes, unsure whether or not to be ashamed or exhilarated by the notion that what everybody had said all along might have been what was actually true.
He turned, taking her suddenly nerveless hands. He held them for a moment, watching as he ran his thumbs over her knuckles. “It won’t work here. We know that. We can’t be ourselves when we’re surrounded by everyone else. Hell, I’ve known half of these people my whole life, and you’re related to the other half.”
She laughed, tears starting in her eyes. She didn’t want to say good-bye to him, but she couldn’t see any other way. Not while she lived in her husband’s childhood home under the watchful eyes of his old friends and family and teachers and doctors.
“So come to Chapel Hill.” The hope in his voice revitalized her, made her look up, finding his eyes dancing and mischievous.
“What?”
He brought her hands to his lips, kissing them. “Come to Chapel Hill. It’s only thirty minutes away, but it’s like a different world. Different people, differen
t expectations. There’s a reception I have to go to next Friday. You could come up for the evening. It always runs late, so no one would expect you to make it back before Saturday morning.”
Their eyes met and she longed to spend that night with him, even pictured herself in his arms, but it was broken by her own sense of responsibility. “I can’t.” She pulled her hands away. “What about the kids?”
“What about Millie? Or Penny?”
“Oh sure, they’ll be more than happy to take care of my kids while I go off on an illicit rendezvous with you.” Alicia raised her eyebrows at him.
He sighed. “That’s not what I want, I swear. I just want a chance to get away from—” he gestured impatiently as if trying to include the entire town, “—this. I just want to be alone with you for a while, see if we can make it work before we let everybody else in on it.”
Yes. When he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips, she surrendered herself to his touch, making up her mind at the same moment. “I’ll find a way.” She looked for strength in his eyes. “I don’t know how, but I’ll find a way.”
Chapter Fifteen
Getting help with the kids over the weekend wasn’t as hard as Alicia had anticipated. Millie came to dinner the next evening. Penny and Amy joined them, and Liam showed up with a bottle of wine. Penny claimed the bottle and put a glass of soda into his hand as he bent to kiss Alicia’s cheek. Alicia, sautéing onions and mushrooms in a pan, gave him a weak smile and tried hard not to blush.
He turned away and kissed Millie on the cheek, also. Millie stopped mixing a salad to give him a hug. “Good to see you again, Liam. You’ve been missed around here.”
“Yes, if Gemma wasn’t so busy playing, I’m sure she’d be all over you right now,” Alicia said lightly.
Penny made a sound like she was choking, and Alicia ignored her. She poured a little white wine over the onions and mushrooms, then added the shrimp Penny had already shelled for her.
“She caught me on the way in.” Liam spoke cheerfully. “I’ve missed her too.”
Alicia noticed he didn’t mention he’d seen them the night before. She flashed him a guilty look and caught his direct gaze. He was leaving it up to her, then. She looked back at the dinner, mixing the shrimp carefully and watching them turn pink.
“How’s Chapel Hill?” Penny had gotten over her choking fit.
“It’s good.” Liam shrugged. “Kind of empty at the moment. I guess it’ll be that way for a while.”
“Who are you taking to the prom?” Penny sounded a little snarky, and Alicia looked over her shoulder at her friend.
“Why? You want to go?” He grinned. “I doubt Mark would like it much, but if you insist.”
“You wish.” She rolled her eyes and looked at Alicia. “The math and science profs do this every year. They have this big wingding before the beginning of the fall semester, and they all come and try to act cool. It’s a total geek ball.”
“You enjoyed it, as I remember.” Liam’s gaze rested on Alicia for a moment. “I haven’t been accepted by anyone I actually want to go with, anyway. Maybe I’ll skip it this year.”
“Alicia could go with you.”
Everyone looked at Millie as she placed the large bowl of green salad on the table. She shrugged. “I’m just saying. You two are friends. And Alicia hasn’t been away from the kids, well, ever.” She looked at her daughter-in-law. “You should do it, honey. Life is short. Go have a good time. I’ll take care of the kids with Penny and Amy’s help.”
Slowly realizing her jaw was hanging open at the unexpected offer, Alicia closed her mouth with a snap. She stared at Millie, remembering her mother-in-law’s plea that she get on with her life. “I don’t—” She looked at Liam, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest. “I mean, do you—?” She stopped again. She couldn’t possibly say anything she wanted to say without giving away the fact that Liam had already asked her to go to the reception.
Liam laughed, his eyes shining with merriment. “She’s at a loss for words.”
Regaining her composure, she glared at him. “Are you sure you want to go with me?” She congratulated herself on finding a way to react to her mother-in-law’s unexpected offer without lying to anyone and also without giving away anything about the understanding she and Liam had already reached.
Penny groaned and lowered her head to the table, attracting everyone’s attention. Still facedown, she raised one hand and said in a muffled voice, “Of course he wants to take you. Just go, go and be happy. We’ll take care of the kids. They’ll barely know you’re gone.”
“Well, I guess that’s settled then.” Liam met her astonished gaze with a satisfied look. “The shrimp’s going to burn, though.”
Alicia yanked the pan off the heat and busied herself examining the pink curlicues to make certain none of them had singed. And all the while she alternately wondered how she’d gotten so lucky and reminded herself it wasn’t a good idea to examine gift horses too closely.
* * *
Penny arrived at three o’clock on Friday as planned. Jason and Gemma were in the living room watching Nickelodeon while Alicia finished packing and Penny joined her.
Penny unzipped the hanging suitcase Alicia had left on the back of the door. “Is that what you’re wearing tonight?” She eyed the simple black sheath with some criticism.
“Why?” Alicia raised her eyebrows. “Isn’t it appropriate?”
“It’s appropriate enough.” Penny shrugged. “And you’ll look fantastic in it. But isn’t it a little cruel?”
“Cruel?” Alicia frowned. “How so?”
“Well, it’s going to make him want you.” Penny leveled her gaze on Alicia’s. “And you’re sort of off limits, aren’t you?”
Off limits. The words rang in Alicia’s head. She hesitated. In spite of the previous week’s revelations, she had no idea what would happen that weekend. She didn’t want to betray Ty, or his memory, or his children. But now that memory was all mixed up with her feelings for Liam. Liam, who loved her children and wanted her. Whose touch brought life back to her body and sparked an electrical current in her veins.
She turned an appealing look to Penny. If her friend could understand, maybe it wouldn’t be so awful if she gave in to her feelings for Liam. “Penny, I—”
Penny groaned and rolled her eyes. It wasn’t understanding but resignation on her face. “Oh, fine, just go and have a good time.”
“But I don’t want—”
“Does it really matter what I think?” Penny raised her eyebrows. “It obviously didn’t matter to you or him what I thought when I warned both of you not to get involved.”
“You warned him too?” Alicia frowned. Penny had made her warnings sound like friendly concern. If she’d tried to convince Liam not to get involved with her, though, maybe there really was more to it.
Penny didn’t seem to notice her suspicions. “I saw it coming. I mean, Liam’s not hard to figure. Everybody knows he can’t keep his hands off any good-looking woman. But I saw you starting to fall for him from the beginning. I didn’t really think you would be that way, either.”
“What way?” Her guilt transformed to anger, Alicia glared at her friend. When Penny didn’t answer, she shrugged and turned back to packing. Then she turned again and faced Penny. “Listen, I appreciate your concern, but I’m past the point where I need a personal morality guard. I don’t know what’s going to happen between Liam and me, but I do know I’m capable of making the decision.”
Penny blinked and regarded her for a moment, then shrugged.
Alicia started out the door and stopped. She didn’t want to leave her friend that way. As she thought this, Penny grabbed her and hugged her. “I’ll take care of your babies for you,” Penny said in a contrite voice. “Just go and have fun, but don’t do anyth
ing rash, okay?” And she patted Alicia on the back before going to check on the children.
* * *
Alicia called Liam as she drove into Chapel Hill. He answered on the third ring. “Hey.”
“Hi.” She hesitated, not totally sure how to continue. She still wasn’t sure what he expected to happen, and she couldn’t have told him what she wanted, either. “I’m, um, here.”
“I was afraid for a minute you were going to say you’d changed your mind.”
“No, not this time.” She watched a young woman dressed in a short skirt and a skin-tight T-shirt cross the street in front of her. Had she ever really been that young? That woman didn’t really have a care in the world, unless her bank account was empty. Still, she had youth and beauty in her corner, and, perhaps most important, time to make things right. “I don’t have any of that anymore.”
“Pardon?” Liam sounded surprised and Alicia realized she’d spoken out loud. As the light changed, she bit her lip and stepped on the gas, accelerating down Franklin Street with the campus on her left.
“Sorry, just got distracted by some pedestrians. So where do I meet you, anyway?”
“I’m at my office at the moment. A student is going to stop by in a few minutes. She took Physics 101 for a second time in summer school, and evidently she’s still having some problems. It won’t take long, so by the time you find a parking spot, I should be free.” He gave her directions to his office. “Alicia?”
“Yeah?” She pulled into a left lane to turn onto campus.
“I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
The commonplace words warmed and reassured her. The light turned green and she touched the accelerator. “Me too.”
* * *
Phillips Hall, where Liam had his office, was easy to find. After parking a short distance away, she strolled back to the old red brick building. The door of his office was ajar and Alicia raised her hand to knock on the doorway, but stopped herself. A student, a young girl with a perplexed expression on her face, sat in a chair and Liam, dressed in a white knit shirt and blue jeans, perched on the edge of the desk. He held a tennis ball in his hand. The girl shook her head. “I don’t get it!” She didn’t whine, but Alicia could hear the frustration in her voice.
Where the Heart Lies Page 22
