Chapter Twenty-Nine
It turns out luck would be on my side when it comes to trying to rebuild the trust S&M had in me. Well, maybe not so lucky for S&M, because Griffin managed to throw a rod in the engine of the Supra during the video shoot on Sunday, but it worked in my favor. I was watching the shop social media pages for any hint as to how things were going for them when Wyatt sent me the text on Monday night.
Wyatt: Saffira is down for the count. We. Are. Fucked. Thrown rod and no hope of repairing. Got a new motor shipping now, but won’t get in before Laguna Seca.
Having a contact on the team who doesn’t completely hate my guts is kind of nice. It also gave me the info I needed to be able to figure out what the right thing to do would be. I immediately put the Black Sheep on a trailer behind Henry’s truck and made plans to return to SoCal. Before I left on Tuesday, I sent Terrance a simple email letting him know I would not, in fact, be joining their team at the end of the California Championships. While I was grateful for the offer, driving for his team just wasn’t going to be a good fit for me.
His reply had been long winded and meant to persuade me otherwise. I tried to cut those ties without burning bridges, and I’m okay with my decision. Hell, it feels fucking amazing to have finally figured out what it is I want out of life.
It all came down to what made me feel at home. Smoke and Mirrors is my home now. Or, they were, and I hope to find that again. Leaving them to be competition on another team just didn’t sit well with me, and I wasn’t happy with the practices the TW Motorsports team was already putting in place. Sure, I might have just tanked an incredible opportunity I might never have again, but I would take being a promo model for a team I fully believe in and love over breaking boundaries as a female driver.
Besides, I’ve already mapped out a few Pro-Am events I can work my way into and try to come up the ranks on my own, following the path of hard work I know to be so worth it. I don’t have to completely give up on my new dreams to be the first female driver in the ADL. It just might take longer doing it this way. It’s all about priorities and what dreams I value most. Working with S&M in any capacity and driving for myself far outweighs what I could gain by selling my soul and driving for TW Motorsports.
Now I just have to screw up my courage to face the music at the shop. I pull straight up to the garage bays at Smoke and Mirrors and try to act like I wasn’t just hyperventilating over the imminent confrontation. This can go wrong in so many ways, and the last thing I want is to put more distance between myself and the shop. I’m trying my hardest not to think of Griffin. He’s next on my list, and I haven’t quite figured out how to approach that bombshell.
I cut the engine on the truck and hop out. I shield my eyes from the sun and notice the interior of the shop is void of the normal machinery, tool clanking, and chatter that usually fills the air. It’s because I’ve stopped it with my arrival. Ryan, Ezra, and Paul are all silently watching me as I slowly venture into the garage. I lick my lips and try not to wring my hands. My eyes bounce from Ezra, who nods politely, to Ryan, who hopefully eyes the trailer behind me before he drops his gaze and stares at the floor, to Paul who pins me with a determined look.
“What are you doing here, Shelby?” Paul asks, straightening up from the open hood of the Supra. His eyes flick to the covered trailer like Ryan’s had, and I know he knows the Black Sheep Mustang is back. His eyes change minutely, with what I think is hope reflecting in his brown depths before he looks back at me.
“Shelby’s here?” I hear screeched from the office a second before Marny tumbles through the door, her red bob swinging around her face as she searches the shop and finally finds me. Her beautiful porcelain face breaks out into the most glaringly beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, and once again I’m reminded that this is home. My heart pangs at the realization that while this feels like home, it may not ever be again.
“Hey, Marny,” I say with a small wave and a tentative smile. For what it’s worth, Marny doesn’t seem to hate me and that gives me more hope than I should be allowed.
“I knew you’d be back,” she says as she walks over and pulls me into a crushing hug. “We aren’t the same without you,” she whispers into my ear before letting me go. “Welcome home.” My throat constricts at her words, my hope having no business rising as high as it does.
I swallow and pull away. “I don’t know about being welcomed, but I’m back, at least for a few minutes to collect my things. And hopefully talk to you, Paul,” I say, bringing my eyes around to his as I plead silently for his compassion.
“Paul, give her that. Talk to her. If you don’t, I’m not making my Nutella cheesecake tomorrow night.”
Marny’s warning is a rough one for Paul, who visibly cringes and lowers his head. Apparently Nutella cheesecake is a big favorite of his, because when he brings his face back up to meet mine, he looks less severe and more the welcoming and jovial man I’ve come to know and respect.
“Okay.” He sighs deeply and gestures ahead of him. “Office.” Marny walks with me toward him, stopping to brush his cheek with her fingers and reach up on tip-toe for a kiss. He holds her face in his hands for a moment, the softness and love that changes his countenance is beautiful to watch. “Anything for you, woman,” he tells her before placing another kiss on her nose and following me to the office.
I sit in my usual spot on the plaid couch, feeling the ridges in the frame and the nubby material under my fingers. It’s all familiar. Even though it was my home for such a short time, I feel like this is where I belong.
“Before you tell me to take a hike, I just want you to know a few things,” I say in a rush as soon as Paul sits in his desk chair across from me. He stills and blinks at me, but stays silent and nods for me to continue. “I’m so incredibly sorry I took this team for granted and seriously considered joining another. I wasn’t thinking straight about my future at the time and was looking for any way to leave behind the mess I was making here.”
“What mess? As far as I knew, you were squeaky clean and helping us out right and left. It was a damn sucker punch to hear you were looking for other options when I thought you liked us.”
“It was my own doing, and I didn’t know how to handle it.” I pause and lick my lips again, looking for the best way to say it. “Griffin and I started seeing each other. I didn’t want anyone to think of me as some slutty promo model who sleeps with teammates and makes a big fucking mess of things, so I asked him to keep it a secret. When he started pushing for more than the casual thing I had started and the lines began to blur, I freaked out and pulled back. I intended it to be no-strings and easy, but realized it was never going to be that simple and even I wanted more. I just didn’t know how to make that transition without screwing things up and tearing the team apart. I realize now I over complicated the whole thing. Griffin was right, we could have been public and made it work, but I was too selfish and stupid to realize that until it was too late. I broke my own damn heart by looking for a way out of my complicated mess that meant I would be walking away from the team, and from him. I now know, to him that was unforgivable. It’s fucked up the things you learn when it’s too little, too late.”
“You wanted to leave because you were fucking Griff and it got weird? You thought we wouldn’t accept your relationship and it would make things awkward for the rest of the team?” he asks slowly. “Fuck my life.” He rests his head in his hands and stares down at the desk for a moment, breathing deeply.
This is exactly the reaction I didn’t want when it became public knowledge that Griffin and I were sleeping together. It’s intense disappointment that reeks of the silent judgment of my character. I knew not to expect to get unwavering support or anything, but I wanted to keep things on the down low because of how I knew the team would react. I cringe and hang my head for a second, but press on, knowing I need to just get everything out and hope for the best.
“I know I messed up, in too many ways. I shouldn’t have gotten in
volved with a teammate to begin with, and I definitely shouldn’t have fallen for him when my place on the team was at stake. I’m sorry, and I’m not here to make things worse, I promise. I was on my way over to the apartment to get my things so I could go back to San Jose, but I came down here with my car because I know the Supra is in bad shape, and you need a car to drive for the Laguna Seca competition, and maybe even Irwindale the week after. I want you to use the Black Sheep again. Griffin is already familiar with it. It’s my peace offering to you. If you want it.”
“Shelby, hold the fuck up for a second and listen to me very carefully.” My mouth pops open in shock and I still, waiting for whatever he will say next. “We don’t care.”
I bite my lip against the tears that build and threaten to spill from my eyes. “I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just unloaded on you like that. I’ll try to be more professional. I just wanted you to know I should have handled things better and not let it affect the team like this. I made things harder than they needed to be, and I apologize,” I stammer, hunting for a way to make this better.
“No, you don’t understand,” Paul says, shaking his head and holding his hand out to cut me off. “We don’t care if you are with Griffin, or anyone else for that matter. Look at me.”
I bring my eyes up to meet Paul’s. I expect disappointment, but find only good will. I feel my eyebrows draw together in confusion, but I wait to see what else he has to say.
“You did not make anything harder on this team by dating Griff. There will always be things that the guys get crazy over, and if it wasn’t you, it would have been something else.”
“I just feel like I’ve messed everything up.” I drop my gaze to the floor, still feeling the weight of my mistakes.
Paul scratches his cheek, the sound grating along the stubble and drawing my attention. “This team has its ups and downs, and we’re still figuring out our rhythm together,” he begins slowly. “We knew bringing a woman onto the team would create some inevitable, um, things to work out.” He waves his hand through the air like it’s merely tire smoke and nothing as serious as sexual tension and acting on it that has pulled the team apart. “I saw how these guys looked at you. They think you hung the moon and not just because you’re pretty. They all speak very highly of you, but I’m sure they were all a little nervous, wondering if the team dynamic would change with a female on board. It did, but not in the way they thought.”
My heart is slamming in my chest, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the negative to be sandwiched in between the good he’s telling me. It can’t all be him stroking my ego and telling me I’m well-liked. Where is the “but”, the “and now you can continue to pack your shit up and take your drama with you”?
“I’m just now seeing that your motivation to leave was grounded in wanting to preserve the team dynamic, when in fact, leaving was what upset it the most.” He shakes his head and blows out a breath. “We like having you on our team, which is why it sucked so much to hear you wanted to leave. I would have loved it if any of the guys made a relationship work with you.”
I tip my chin up at his words, wondering what he could say next that will continue to shake my previous assumptions.
“You’re real. Strong. Independent. You were showing these guys what a good woman looks like, rather than the drift groupies and race queens they are used to dealing with. You remind me a lot of my Marny.”
Well, that was unexpected. A little bit of relief eases the aching in my shoulders from bearing this burden of being the downfall of the team. Obviously, he doesn’t think so. I smile hesitantly at him. Comparing me to Marny was the nicest compliment he could have paid me. I hope she stuck around the shop and I can catch up with her later. She’s such a calming presence and fun to be around. I feel like I could talk to her about how I blew up my chances with Griffin. Maybe she could provide some insight or feedback to help me navigate these tricky waters.
Paul continues through my silence. “You made the biggest impression on Griffin, for sure. He’s been turned upside down and inside out since you showed up. He’s been moody, not himself, and even worse since the shit hit the fan on Sunday. You challenged him unlike anyone else has. You knocked him on his ass, both physically and emotionally. While I don’t think he’s been very good to you, I know he’s been fighting some pretty strong feelings that are developing. I just hope he hasn’t ruined any chance he may have had with you because of how you recently left things.”
I am finally able to respond, my words tumbling quickly out of my mouth. “Griffin doesn’t want anything to do with me. I hurt him unspeakably by wanting to leave the team. I know I probably killed any chances of making something with him work, so now I’m just trying to pick up the pieces of this thing and hope to preserve what’s left of my heart. He’s done with me. He was pretty clear about that.”
“Don’t judge him by his previous actions and don’t give up now. Show him you’re not just going to walk away and leave him. Keep pushing him. You won’t break him, but you might find out what a big heart he really has inside all that anger and cocky swagger.”
My cheeks rise a bit as I smile and nod in understanding. “I know, trust me, I’ve seen it. He’s an incredible guy under the many layers of asshole he likes to wear. I think I was just starting to see the parts of him he reserves for a trusted few, and I completely shattered that trust.” My smile slips as I am once again reminded of my failings. “It won’t be easy to get back, if he even wants to give it to me again. I don’t think just showing up and telling him you said we should date and I’m on board now is going to cut it.”
I’ve been thinking all along that a relationship with a team member would be the worst thing for my career and place on the team. Paul here is telling me he would have supported it from the beginning. I feel so stupid that I was unable to be a normal human being about things in the first place. Maybe if I had been honest with myself, and the team, I wouldn’t have ended up off the team and apologizing now.
“If you want to date him, that’s your choice. I’m not your father and I never intend to tell any of my team who they should or shouldn’t date. You’re all adults and can do as you please. If something doesn’t end up working out, it’s not the end of the world. We have gotten through worse than bitter breakups, trust me. If we can handle a crash that takes a car out for several competitions, or not know how we’ll make it through the whole season, we can figure out a way to deal with a relationship between our members. Remember, we’re all family, but not in that kissing cousins way.” He quickly waves away the weird comment with his fingers. “We’re family in the way we support and care about each other. We’ll get through anything. Including this. I think you can make it work.”
“Well. I don’t even know what to say. I have always thought, for lack of a better phrase, you don’t shit where you eat.”
Paul laughs and shakes his head. “How do you think Marny and I got together? She was the receptionist at the race shop I worked at out of school. I courted that woman every day for a year, trying to get her to go out with me, and for the most part she wouldn’t give me the time of day. Her family owned the shop, so she wanted to keep things professional. I’m sure you know how that goes. It’s always so much worse for women. If a man dicks around, no one cares. A lady, though? If she dates within a workplace, she’s easy, or promiscuous. Marny didn’t want that reputation, and she fought wanting me. But I wore her down, and finally, her dad sat me down for a talk a lot like this one. I knew I couldn’t mess up with a girl like her. She’s one in a million, and I wouldn’t have a second chance with her. Griffin and I had this talk, too. He knows you’re special, even if he’s got his head stuck up his ass about things now.”
My elbow slips off my knee and jolts me right along with his words. “You talked to Griffin about me?” A chill runs through me as my heart speeds up. What could he have said? I rub my palms on the couch and try to breathe normally.
“Yeah, we went out l
ast night because he needed to talk. He was pretty torn up over blowing his motor and about you leaving the team. I gave him plenty to think about. I hope you don’t mind. I know it’s weird to know people are talking about you like that.”
I put my head in my hands and think about how things went down between me and Griffin. Could he still want me, even though I walked away? My old doubts and Griffin’s parting words worm their way into my consciousness and I have to give them a voice now that I have Paul to bounce them off of.
“Do you think Griffin saw me as a prize, a podium to win? Do you think he’s tired of me now that the chase is over and he’s had me?” I can’t look at Paul. I want his answer, but only if I don’t have to see his face when he tells me what I have been thinking all along.
“Absolutely not. He saves competition for drifting. Women are complicated and messy to him, whereas drifting is easy. He wouldn’t think of you as a podium he needs to conquer. You’re different, and he knows it. You are precious to him, not some prize he wants to win because it’s a challenge.”
I sit back against the couch in a daze. Did I royally fuck up any chance of even trying out a real relationship with Griffin by leaving? Did I give him every reason to hate me, to think I’m not worth the hassle after all? I really hope not. I shake my thoughts away and try to bring my focus back to the shop and what I need to do.
“Do you think you would ever want me back on the team?”
Paul looks up at me, his brow scrunching. “Of course we do! But this time, I want you to promise to talk to me first before you get some wild idea you want to chase.”
I smile and then say with genuine seriousness, “Deal.”
Chapter Thirty
My stomach knots and flips as I stand on the second story landing outside Griffin’s door. I can’t knock, but I haven’t been able to leave, either. I shift from foot to foot and finally decide to just go back to my apartment and do this later. I spin around quickly and walk toward the stairs. I hear a door behind me open and my heart beats wildly in my chest. I hit the stairs and make it halfway down before I hear him.
Drift Heat Page 24
