by Tom Stoppard
ACHERSON: If I can.
PHILO: You can. I’d like to come with you. Give me a few minutes – I haven’t got much I want to take.
ACHERSON: Hold on, old man – go where?
PHILO: I want to come with you, when you leave the country.
ACHERSON: What do you mean?
PHILO: I want to travel with you. Party of three. Tourists. Friends.
ACHERSON: To England?
PHILO: No, only as far as Trieste.
ACHERSON: (Bewildered) You want to go to Trieste?
PHILO: I want to go home. I can make my own way from Trieste.
ACHERSON: I don’t understand – what do you want?
PHILO: (Climbing) Papers, Acherson. I’m asking you for papers. And for your company over the border. Three English tourists. They aren’t going to pick me out.
ACHERSON: (Up) What the hell are you talking about?
PHILO: Papers, Acherson! British papers! I’ve earned them. I’m owed them. Now I’m asking you to give them to me.
ACHERSON: How on earth do you expect me to –
PHILO: Don’t lie to me, Acherson. Refuse if you’re afraid of Otis, but don’t lie to me. I know you’ve got the rank, and I know Foster has got the blank documents. Every season some British tourist loses his passport, and I know what papers Foster has got. They just need his stamp. (Pause.) Look, I can’t leave the country in my own identity because the West doesn’t want me, I tried before. And I can’t go East because the Russians do want me. But as a British subject I can get into Trieste, and from Trieste I can disappear. I’ve still got friends, and I want to go home.
ACHERSON: You don’t know what you’re asking.
PHILO: Yes, I do. I’m asking you to deny the Otises. I’m a used-up spy without a country, and I’m asking you to recognize me.
ACHERSON: Look, I can probably fix a British visa, given time, but that’s for England, Marin. You can’t use it like a free pass to the world.
PHILO: I don’t want to go to England. I’m dying, Acherson, I’m slowly killing myself, bottle by bottle. Well, it doesn’t matter very much, but I don’t want to die here, I want to die where I was born. I might last years, or only weeks, or I could get caught on my first day, but I want that day, Acherson.
(CAROL comes prettily towards the car.)
CAROL: Have you paid?
ACHERSON: Yes.
CAROL: Well, I suppose we should … (To PHILO) Thank you for everything.
ACHERSON: (Like a sudden decision) Mr Kramer is coming with us.
CAROL: Oh – fine. Into town?
PHILO: I hope to travel with you when you leave.
CAROL: Oh really? A holiday in England?
PHILO: Just as far as Trieste. Your friend Mr Foster is going to help with the papers. That was the favour.
CAROL: I’m sure Giles will do all he can to help. If he won’t do it for Charles, he’ll do it for me. (She glances at ACHERSON.) He thinks I fancy him, but I don’t. (She gives ACHERSON a brief kiss.)
ACHERSON: All right, let’s get a move on.
64. EXT. THE ROAD. DAY
Long shot.
The Fiat is going back along the road.
The BOY is short-cutting to the village, over the hill. He sees the car in the distance, and pauses to watch it, then continues to hurry.
65. INT. FIAT. DAY
ACHERSON driving, CAROL in front, PHILO at the back amid luggage and boxes of toys – guns, cars, etc. PHILO holds the monkey.
PHILO: Will you do something for me?
ACHERSON: What’s that?
PHILO: We go through Pilz – the next village on the main road. Can you stop at the school there. I want to say goodbye to the boy. It won’t take a minute.
ACHERSON: Yes, all right.
(Another car is coming towards them – the LAUREL and HARDY car, say a Mercedes. The road is narrow and the Mercedes is travelling fast. An accident is avoided.)
Who’s that?
PHILO: (Worried) I don’t know.
66. EXT. VILLAGE. SAME TIME
The BOY runs into the village, worried and scared.
The Mercedes is already there, parked, empty.
The BOY runs straight into the bar.
67. INT. PHILO’S ROOM. SAME TIME
LAUREL and HARDY are quietly looking at the room. They realize that the bird has flown.
The BOY is heard running. He arrives in the room.
The BOY stops dead, LAUREL and HARDY recognize him. HARDY sighs and looks at LAUREL.
The BOY backs away, but LAUREL closes the door. The BOY is really frightened and starts to cry. HARDY opens the door with a sudden movement and goes. LAUREL follows him.
68. EXT. VILLAGE. SAME TIME
The Mercedes drives away at speed.
69. EXT. THE METALLED ROAD. DAY
The Mercedes at speed.
70. EXT. THE METALLED ROAD. DAY
The Fiat is being driven sedately.
71. EXT. THE METALLED ROAD. DAY
The Mercedes at speed drives through Pilz and out of frame, leaving the Fiat in frame parked by the school.
PHILO comes out of the school looking disappointed and puzzled.
72. EXT. MONTEBIANCA TOWN. DAY
The Fiat drives into town.
73. EXT. MONTEBIANCA HOTEL. SAME TIME
The Fiat stops to drop CAROL and PHILO. They go into the hotel. The Fiat moves on.
74. EXT. BRITISH CONSULATE. SAME TIME
The Fiat stops round the corner. ACHERSON gets out and walks into the Consulate.
75. INT. CONSULATE. SAME TIME
ACHERSON climbs the rather fine staircase.
76. INT. CONSULATE OFFICE. SAME TIME
GILES FOSTER in one chair.
ACHERSON enters.
OTIS is standing by the window.
OTIS: Hello, Charles … How did it go?
(ACHERSON sits tiredly in a chair.)
ACHERSON: He’s at the hotel. I think we’ve got him all right. But I don’t think he’ll play when he finds out. God, what a pantomime, eh, Giles?
77. INT. HOTEL BATHROOM. DAY
PHILO enjoying a bath. The monkey is there.
78. INT. HOTEL BATHROOM. DAY
PHILO shaving, taking off much of his beard.
79. INT. BARBERSHOP. DAY
PHILO getting a haircut.
CAROL waits for him.
The Mercedes cruises by slowly. LAUREL and HARDY looking for the Fiat.
80. EXT. CLOTHES SHOP. DAY
PHILO in new clothes, emerging with CAROL.
81. INT. PHOTOGRAPHER’S. DAY
Flash! PHILO has his picture taken.
82. INT. CONSULATE OFFICE. DAY
Close-up of Philo’s new photo on document. The document is held by OTIS. ACHERSON is the other person in the room.
OTIS: There you are, Charles. With this he’ll be almost as British as you are. And that’s awfully British … old man.
(ACHERSON, it is at once clear, is in no mood for jokes, especially jokes about Philo.)
ACHERSON: He really does want to go his own way, you know.
OTIS: That’s all right. Just get him on that train.
ACHERSON: What happens when he gets to Trieste?
OTIS: Charles, just get him on the train. The rest is taken care of.
ACHERSON: Have you got a legal hold on him?
OTIS: (Smiles) Well, he’ll have British papers, won’t he?
ACHERSON: All this to get one old man through one gate. Why are you here? Why do you want him so badly?
OTIS: You were briefed. You were told enough to operate on. What the hell did you expect?
ACHERSON: I expected to be told the truth. He’s not working. I know he isn’t. He’s got nothing. He’s drunk a lot of the time and he sees nobody. And what on earth could anyone pick up in this place?
OTIS: Look, you’ve done your job. So far he trusts you. So just finish it.
ACHERSON: (Heedless) But he was clean when he came out … You
know that now, don’t you?
(If’s an accusation, OTIS hesitates, but nods, and tells the truth.)
OTIS: Yes. And he’s not working. All right, I dropped him and now we need him. I made a mistake.
ACHERSON: (Laughs shortly) Black mark … So here you are, taking an interest.
OTIS: Are you trying to tell me I’m here to save my own skin?
ACHERSON: Are you trying to tell me you aren’t?
OTIS: (Sharply) Don’t push it, Charles. They might junk me yet but they’d still need Marin. And badly. We’ve got a new pipeline on Reschev. It looked all wrong but now it could make a lot of important sense and we need Marin to read it. That’s why I’m here, so get off your white horse. It never bothered you much while you sat behind your desk in London – you’ve got people like Marin walking tightropes all over Eastern Europe and some of them fall off; it never bothered you, and now suddenly it’s all become a nice old drunk dreaming of the old country. Well, forget it. (Pause.) (Forgiving) Look, you and I – we’ve worked pretty well together. I thought we understood each other.
ACHERSON: I’m beginning to understand you, Otis. Do you know I surprised myself a little, talking to Marin. When I got to the bit about you, what a bastard you were and all that, I surprised myself. I found I was quite articulate on the subject.
OTIS: Feel free. Just deliver.
ACHERSON: Oh yes, I’ll deliver. But it won’t do you any good. He hates you and he hates us.
OTIS: Yes, he’s full of poison. It’s had time to build up, and I’ll need time to release it. He wants a change of scene, someone to talk to. He’ll come round, I know him. Just get him on the train.
ACHERSON: No. He doesn’t want to go to England.
OTIS: He thinks he doesn’t, but it’s just his hurt feelings. England was what he was holding out for.
ACHERSON: It’s gone sour on him. You turned it sour. Look, he’s not a professional, and you’re playing by professional rules. He’s a sick old man who probably shortened his life by the number of years he’s worked for us and then got kicked out for his pains. You can’t make it good now.
OTIS: (Losing patience) I’m not here to make things good. And not are you. What the hell do you think I’m running – a compensations board? He was the victim of an accident and he wasn’t insured, and it was a pity for him, and you don’t like it. Well, I don’t like it. But he can’t go home now because the first time he gets drunk, or the third, or the fortieth, he’s going to confide in someone again; and if they find out what it is we’ve got, then what we’ve got is no good any more. Do you understand that?
ACHERSON: Yes. Yes, I suppose I do.
OTIS: Good. Well, that’s why we spent two months looking for him before we got lucky. The Russians have been looking for him for two years. Let’s see if we can keep ahead for one more day.
83. EXT. STREET. DAY
The Fiat is where ACHERSON parked it.
LAUREL and HARDY have found it.
LAUREL stands on the pavement, keeping a watch.
HARDY is half in the car.
84. INT. CAR. SAME TIME
HARDY is rummaging around, puzzled at finding boxes of toys. He tosses cars, six-shooters and dolls aside; shakes his head. Must be the wrong Fiat. He opens the glove locker, looks behind the sun-visors, in the door pockets. He gets out of the car.
85. EXT. STREET. SAME TIME
HARDY Walks to LAUREL.
HARDY: I don’t know. Toys.
LAUREL: We’re wasting time.
HARDY: No … It smells right. We’ll see.
86. EXT. STREET. DAY
The Fiat twits. LAUREL and HARDY sit in the front seats.
87. INT. CAR. SAME TIME
LAUREL looks straight ahead-cross-cut Laurel’s point-of-view.
HARDY watches the mirror-cross-cut Hardy’s point-of-view. A few people approach and pass from each direction. LAUREL and HARDY are looking for someone, who hesitates on seeing them.
HARDY sees ACHERSON in the mirror. ACHERSON hesitates, and walks on.
HARDY: Here he is.
(ACHERSON walks past the Fiat, disowning it.
LAUREL and HARDY glance at each other and watch as
ACHERSON walks on ahead.
HARDY starts the car.
Insert ACHERSON’s tense face.)
88. EXT. STREET. SAME TIME
The Fiat moves forward slowly. When it is a few yards behind ACHERSON, LAUREL gets out of the Fiat while it is still moving at walking pace. The Fiat overtakes ACHERSON, stops. HARDY gets out, turns to ACHERSON and moves to meet him.
ACHERSON looks over his shoulder to see LAUREL walking towards him. They move up to ACHERSON, and without comment, ignoring Acherson’s protest, frisk him, taking out his wallet and an envelope first.
ACHERSON: What the devil –? Who are you?
(There is nothing in Acherson’s pockets to enlighten LAUREL and HARDY. HARDY goes through Acherson’s wallet.)
I don’t want any trouble. There’s money in there – take it.
(HARDY drops the money and bits of paper on the ground. He hesitates. LAUREL is disgusted.)
LAUREL: Toy salesman …
ACHERSON: That’s right.
(HARDY rips open the envelope. It contains Philo’s documents, with the photo.)
89. EXT. TOWN/COUNTRY. DAY
HARDY drives the Fiat. ACHERSON sits next to him. Behind ACHERSON is LAUREL with a gun to ACHERSON’s neck.
90. EXT. COUNTRY DAY
The Fiat draws up off the road at a lonely spot. HARDY gets out and looks around. He nods at LAUREL.
LAUREL gets out from the back, opens Acherson’s door and stands a few paces back. LAUREL beckons. He holds his gun down, relaxed. ACHERSON, without hurrying, picks up a shiny Lone Ranger six-shooter from the floor between the seats. He levels it at LAUREL, cocks the hammer. LAUREL blinks in surprise and starts to laugh. He brings his gun hand up, but ACHERSON fires and the bullet knocks LAUREL over backwards.
HARDY starts getting his own gun out but ACHERSON kills him with his second shot.
91. INT. RAILWAY STATION. EVENING
This is the station where we saw LAUREL and HARDY arrive. A PORTER trundles the Achersons’ luggage. CAROL is there. She tips the PORTER. The PORTER puts the luggage on the platform. The train is arriving.
92. EXT. STATION BAR. SAME TIME
ACHERSON and PHILO at a table with drinks. The monkey is in Philo’s pocket. ACHERSON takes the (ripped) envelope out of his pocket and gives it to PHILO.
OTIS: Marin … are you listening to me?
PHILO: What?
ACHERSON: Change your mind. Come all the way.
(PHILO looks up from examining the papers.)
PHILO: Why? Why does it matter to you?
ACHERSON: They’ll find you and kill you.
PHILO: If they want to kill me badly enough they’ll find me in England. I’d rather go home.
ACHERSON: England was your home once.
PHILO: I thought so too but I was wrong.
ACHERSON: (Almost angry) Marin – will you listen –
PHILO: What’s the matter? – You haven’t changed your mind?
ACHERSON: No …
PHILO: You don’t have to worry about me. Everything’s going to be all right.
ACHERSON: That’s bloody nonsense! – you’re as good as dead if you don’t come with me. Please stop thinking about going home – will you, Marin?
PHILO: You don’t understand, Acherson … I’m old … I accept things … I think differently. My memories are good ones now. I don’t think about the commissars, the fear, the system, all the things that changed when the Russians came. The things I remember don’t change. I was born in a small town. I lived in a street which led into a small square and twice a week there was a market in the square. And round about six o’clock in the evening, when the market was packing up, the ground would be littered with vegetables which hadn’t sold and were too cheap to save – cabbage leaves, carrots, some
peppers. I particularly remember the peppers lying around the edges of the square – red, orange, yellow, green, and all shades in between, all sunset and forest colours, lying about the square. What mattered to us then was that they were edible, and free, but what I remember now is the way the square looked on a summer evening after the market. (Pause.) That’s what you are giving back to me. (The train is heard arriving in the station. The few people in the bar get up to leave, PHILO stands up.
ACHERSON sits tense and anguished.
CAROL comes into the bar.
CAROL: Come on, we must get on the train. The porter’s taken the luggage.
(She turns to leave again and PHILO follows her. The door closes behind them. ACHERSON stands up and with a sudden decision moves briskly out, on to the platform, where PHILO and CAROL are moving away from him.)
93. THE PLATFORM. SAME TIME
ACHERSON: (Shouts) Marin!
(PHILO and CAROL turn to him.)
You’re not going home!
PHILO: What?
ACHERSON: Forget all that! Otis is on that train.
(PHILO moves towards him. CAROL stares at ACHERSON, then turns and starts running towards the train, out of the scene. PHILO reaches ACHERSON.)
The whole thing is his operation. I’m sorry …
(PHILO spits in his face.)
Marin – please understand –
