by D. H. Starr
Scott face took on a slightly demure look. One that Derek hadn't seen before. "No, actually, I usually keep those thoughts to myself, but with you, it seems like, well, it just feels like you are the kind of guy who can understand and appreciate what I'm trying to say." Scott was staring directly at Derek as he was speaking and Derek became lost in a sea of blue. Just the simplest of comments, the slightest hint of recognition that there was something special between the two of them, sent Derek soaring.
It took serious effort for him to regain his concentration.
"Yeah, I've told Beck a million times that you seem different than the other guys around here."
Scott's face took on a stunned look for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure. "Wh...what do you mean?"
"Shit, that sounded stupid." Panic crept up Derek's spine as he scrambled to explain himself. "What I meant is that it's refreshing to have you to talk to. I can't talk to the guys on the team about wrestling the way I can talk to you. With you, I can say what I think as opposed to keeping my mouth shut so that I won't embarrass myself...like I am right now. Fuck."
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Derek's heart was thrashing in his chest, trying to get as far away from him as possible. "Forget I said anything."
Understanding spread across Scott's face as his mouth curved up into a smile. "No, I think I know what you mean now. I could never talk to my teammates about why I love wrestling either." He put an arm over Derek's shoulder. The contact sent chills through his body and it became difficult to focus on Scott's words. "You don't ever have to worry about being embarrassed with me. I like that I can tell you anything." The chill changed to heat as it moved towards his cock. "I know I haven't known you very long, but you have been a great friend to me and made me feel like I'm welcome here. I was really worried about moving and thought I was going to have a crappy year, but you're turning out to be one of the best friends I have ever had."
Derek barely heard the last words Scott said as his prick surged in his pants, lengthening and pushing uncomfortably at the seam of his jeans. Luckily he didn't have to respond because the team and several other guests arrived, bursting through the door in a loud uproar. "Well, I guess that's my cue to begin." Reluctantly, Scott removed his arm from Derek's shoulder and Derek quickly stepped behind his mixer so that he could shift the tangled mess in his pants.
"Yo, Scott, come over here. There are some guys I want you to meet from the team," Josh called from across the room. Scott seemed to hover for a moment in indecision, glanced at Derek, then lowered his head and turned to join the group of students who had just arrived.
* * * *
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Derek kept the music fairly subdued. Most parties picked up later in the evening, so starting out fast and furious was never a good idea. Although people continually came by to offer him food and drinks, his attention was focused on his conversation with Scott, which played through his mind over and over. I feel like you are turning out to be one of the best friends I have ever had. That was a good thing. Derek wanted Scott to feel close to him. I feel like I can tell you anything. It was statements like that that caused Derek to feel like he was on a see-saw. None of his guy friends had ever talked about being glad they could say anything to him.
Glancing to the corner of the room where Scott was standing with the guys on the team, Derek felt acid burn at his throat. Susan Chamberlain had latched onto him. A beautiful girl outwardly, Susan's inner traits left something to be desired. Last year she had slept with at least three of his teammates and two of them had girlfriends at the time. She threw her head back and laughed obnoxiously, tossing her hair over her shoulder, and then returned her gaze to Scott.
She then placed her hand on his bicep and it seemed that she said so strong, although Derek couldn't be sure since he wasn't very good at reading lips.
Derek felt his stomach twist and when Scott glanced over at him it took all of his concentration to ensure that he had a smile plastered across his face. Despite the turmoil going on inside Derek's body, his natural instinct was to project confidence, ease. Seeing Susan on Scott's arm. Knowing what she was probably thinking. Not knowing what Scott was 99
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thinking. He could feel the acid rising higher and higher in his throat. There was something else, another feeling along with the nausea. He couldn't quite put a finger on what it was, but it was very unpleasant.
Turning his focus to the music, Derek chose a fast, heavy beat, and slid the control for the bass up to increase the reverberation. He then weaved in three vocals to form the foundation of the dance tune. Each time the vocals repeated, he increased the volume slightly until he could hear and feel that the balance between them and the bass had equalized.
Next, he mixed in tribal drums. The groove he was creating was rustic and masculine. It had an edge of anger to it, but more than anger, there was a raw, natural feel to the sound.
It was a good dance song and more people started to hop around and cheer.
Derek searched for Scott once again, but couldn't find him.
It was then that he realized that he couldn't find Susan Chamberlain either. The feeling he couldn't put a finger on earlier reared up inside him. This time there was no question what it was. Jealousy. Jealousy and anger. Scott was his, not that slut Susan's. He wanted to be doing whatever she was doing with him. He wanted to find Scott and ask him how he could lower himself to fool around with someone as disgusting as her.
Refocusing on the music, he increased the volume and then began the slow process of increasing the speed. He took deliberate care to make sure that there were no abrupt shifts in the sound and tempo, wanting the music to drown out any thought. Any feeling. All he wanted was to be filled with the 100
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thrumming of the sounds in the room. At least that didn't hurt. Finally he mixed in siren sounds. They blared at full blast and then slowly faded as he lowered the volume steadily for that track each time.
Each time they sounded, they mirrored the questions screaming inside Derek's head. Why couldn't his senior year have happened the way he expected it to? Why was he so obsessed about Scott? Why did he keep so many secrets?
Why couldn't things go back to the way they were before Scott showed up? The questions flew through his mind at a fever pitch as the music swelled to even louder heights.
As the song reached its climax, Derek realized the one thing he hadn't wanted to admit. Beck had been right. He should have listened to her. He hadn't been careful, and this was the price he was paying for it. Once the confession had been made, his senses began to return to him and he realized that the music had been at a frenzied, rave-like tempo for far too long. He began the process of fading out each of the components until the vocals and beat were all that remained.
Once they had been faded out as well, Derek was rewarded with a screaming cheer from the crowd. Everyone waved their hands in the air, wiped the sweat from their brows, and began mingling again.
Derek had to admit that it was quite a satisfying feeling to know that he was responsible for that moment in time. The feeling was quickly replaced by a different, far worse, feeling.
Emptiness. Loss. The feeling of hopes dashed. He didn't know if the hurt was in his chest, his heart, his head, or all over, 101
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but it was inside and now that the music had stopped, it was all he could feel.
"That was fucking amazing!" The voice had come from directly behind him and Derek jumped and whirled around bumping directly into Scott, tripping over his foot. Scott wound an arm around Derek's waist to stabilize him and left it there. It took Derek a moment to register what had happened.
"How long have you been behind me?" Derek t
ried to control the thumping of his heart as he stood closer to Scott than he ever had before, held in place by Scott's arm. The hand at his side burned, filling the emptiness, replacing it with something else...something feral. Nothing else existed in that moment except for him, Scott, and Scott's hand touching him.
"Well, I was dancing with that Susan girl. And then the music started to, I don't know, it got inside my head. She was grinding against me but all I could think of is that I wanted to come and watch you mix the song, so I ditched her. I was actually standing right in front of the mixing board for a while, but you were so focused on what you were doing that you didn't notice me standing there. It was amazing to watch.
So I decided to get out of the way of the dancing and lean against the wall over here to watch you."
Scott removed his hand from Derek's waist, sending a wave of panic through him. He didn't want the emptiness to come back. But Scott touched him again, this time placing his hand on Derek's shoulder. Don't ever stop touching me. When Scott continued talking, Derek was only half listening. "You 102
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are incredible. I see what you mean now by controlling the crowd. You totally brought everyone up into that place you created and then brought them back down. It was like magic.
You could make some serious money doing this you know."
Derek was glad that the room was dark. The heat from his face promised that he was most likely crimson at this point.
"Like I said, the mixing is a way for me to get out what I feel."
"So what were you feeling then? It must have been pretty intense."
Scott's hand touching him. The whirlwind of anger and despair he had just experienced. The ups and downs. It was all too much. He couldn't continue with the guessing and wondering any longer. The time had come for taking a chance. He had taken a chance the other day in his room and it had paid off. He had to do it again. He had to know once and for all what Scott might be to him.
Everything inside of Derek screamed for him to stop. To think about what he was doing before it was too late. But the time for thinking had passed. The time for caution was over.
What could be between them was worth whatever price he might have to pay.
"Uh, Scott, would you like to get a drink? People seem to be socializing now and I am pretty hot. I wouldn't mind stepping outside for a breath of fresh air before I begin again." Derek wasn't sure how he was going to handle the next few minutes with Scott, but one thing he knew for sure.
If he didn't step outside he was going to pass out.
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Wrestling With Desire
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"Yeah, I actually grabbed you a bottle of water. I had it when I came over before, but you were lost in that song."
Scott handed Derek the bottle of water. It was still cold and Derek ran it over his forehead, and then held it against the heated flesh of his neck. Scott's eyes followed the bottle where it touched Derek and he had to jerk them back to Derek's face. "Josh has a back yard right? I've noticed others going in and out through the kitchen sliding door."
"Yeah, he does, let's go." Derek popped a mix tape into the stereo and then followed Scott through the kitchen and onto the patio where a few students were hanging out and chatting.
"Derek, that was amazing." It was Power.
"Uh, thanks." Derek shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to be alone with Scott. "Listen, I left something I need in my car. Scott and I are going to go and grab it. We'll be back in a few minutes."
Walking down the steps, they headed around the house and stopped in the shaded driveway. The breeze outside felt soothing and cleared Derek's head.
Scott leaned against a car. "So, what did you forget?"
"What? Oh, uh..." Derek's mind was spinning. There was only one thing that he could concentrate on and the topic was standing in front of him. Adrenaline pulsed through his veins as he worked up the courage to begin speaking.
"Everything alright?"
Derek looked at Scott. "Yeah. No. I'm not sure. Being outside feels good." He repeated the fragmented statements he had just uttered in his head and laughed out loud.
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"You sure you're ok?" Scott's eyes narrowed and he placed his hand on Derek's shoulder once again. The warmth of Scott's touch brought Derek back to the moment.
"What I meant to say is, yeah, I'm fine. That last song was intense and being outside feels good right now." It was the truth, although it had nothing to do with what he wanted to talk about or why they were standing together in a shaded driveway.
Scott accepted the comment. "So, what were you feeling when you mixed that song?"
Derek considered how he should answer. The same voice that had spoken to him earlier in the week, spoke to him once again. This is your last chance, Derek. Once you take this step, there's no going back. Questions raced through Derek's mind. Could he tell him? Should he? The voice spoke once more. You've kept this to yourself all these years. Why change now and risk everything?
Once the question had been asked, the answer became clear to him. The obviousness of why he needed to take this chance now caused him to laugh once again. It wasn't a nervous laugh, but one of surprise and relief. The simple fact was that everything had changed for him when he met Scott.
Now, he was risking everything by not telling Scott the truth.
What was the worst thing that could happen? Scott would be disgusted by him, tell everyone that he was gay, and he would be a social outcast for the rest of his senior year. That was only a few months and then he'd be off to college. But to not take a chance, to never know if Scott could accept him as gay or, dare he hope, feel the same way, was simply way too 105
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big a risk. It was becoming harder and harder to maintain his guard and to play it safe where Scott was concerned. He took in a deep breath and let it out through pursed lips.
"You're acting kind of strange. Are you sure you're ok?"
There was no accusation or judgment, only genuine concern.
Small wrinkles appeared on Scott's forehead.
I can't let him worry. It's now or never. " Scott. I've never been better, but there's something that I need to tell you."
Now that the moment was here, he couldn't wait to begin.
Scott laughed nervously and gave Derek an odd look.
"Ok."
Derek shifted restlessly where he stood. "Can we walk for a little bit? I think I'd like to move around." Scott nodded and Derek led them to the end of the driveway and began walking down the street. He wanted to take this risk, but he didn't want others around if Scott freaked out.
"Uh, Derek, where are we going?" Although Scott was being an extremely good sport, his voice wavered, revealing his growing tension and nervousness.
Derek laughed, then stopped and turned to face Scott.
"You asked me what I was feeling while mixing that song. I'm going to tell you. I just want us to be alone when I do."
The look he gave Scott caused Scott's mouth to fall open as he drew in a deep, shuddering breath. Letting it out slowly, he regained his demeanor. "You look so...you look..."
Whatever he was trying to say, Derek felt Scott's eyes bore straight into him where everything that mattered could be found.
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Derek saved him from having to continue. "I was feeling...desire." Scott closed his mouth and stood silently, his eyes never moving from Derek's. "I was thinking about how my life had been going along and suddenly everything changed. In a good way, I mean. There is a part of me that I have always known. Something that makes me different. And I've always been afraid that if I let anyone know, if I revealed my big secret, that my life would become hopeless and difficult." Derek replayed the words and mentally agreed that th
ey were accurate. "But this secret is also something that has made me feel special and strong. It's made me know that when I'm ready, I will be able to truly be who I am instead of trying to be someone who I'm not." Derek shook his head.
"I'm beating around the bush and I don't mean to."
Derek took a large gulp of water and swallowed hard. Just say it. Get it over with. "Since I met you, my feelings have become crystal clear. I now have a face and a name to attach to the feelings I have always had." As he spoke, he felt all of the tension and anger seep from his pores. All of his jealousy, hurt, and doubt dissipated into the night.
Scott was staring directly at Derek and it seemed as if he were holding his breath. Derek realized he still hadn't said the most important part of what he had been trying to say.
"When I saw you and Susan together, I felt incredible jealousy and...and a sense of loss. You see, I didn't want Susan to be able to have you that way. I know I'm totally out of line by saying this, but I have to say it. I can't stop or I'll never say it."
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Derek could hear Scott take in a short breath as understanding began to register in his face. Derek didn't care whether his comments were being received well or if they were freaking Scott out. He had to get through this. To get it out. "Ever since I met you, I've been having these...feelings.
Ones that I have never had before. And, while it scares me, while I may live to regret telling you any of this, the truth is, I was thinking of you while I was mixing that song and the desire was..."
Derek registered Scott's movement first and then felt Scott's hands on either side of his face. He felt himself being pulled towards Scott and their lips met in a fevered kiss. Scott wrapped one hand behind Derek's head, twining his fingers into his hair and pulling him in deeper. His other hand snaked around Derek's waist and squeezed him into a tight embrace.
Opening to Scott's eager mouth, Derek allowed their tongues to swirl around each other. He felt his crotch stir and harden, uncomfortably constrained within his jeans for the second time that evening. When Scott ground himself against Derek, he could feel that Scott was just as aroused.
