by D. H. Starr
Scott turned to face Derek. "Honestly, yeah, I do. It's not the first time he's restricted me when I've disappointed him.
In the past, if I pulled a B on a paper or a test, he would make me come directly home from school for a week and redouble my efforts in that subject area. He even made me ask the teachers if I could do extra credit work to make up for the grade." Walking over to Derek, Scott motioned for him to scoot over on the couch. When Derek complied, Scott sat on the couch, swiveled his hips so that his feet were dangling over the couch arm, and laid his head onto Derek's lap, smacking it against the spine of the science book. "Ouch!
Shit!"
Derek gently lifted Scott's head, pushed his book to the floor, and replaced it with one of the couch pillows. "Close your eyes." He began rubbing Scott's temples using a circular 215
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motion with his index and middle fingers. "Have you talked to your mom about this? What does she say?"
Scott let out a contented sigh, allowing himself to be pampered by Derek. "She was there when he said it. She didn't agree with him, but she never disagrees with him either. It's like when he's around, she and I become completely different people than when it's just us. I'm sure if he says I have to stop wrestling, she won't fight it."
Derek stopped massaging Scott's temples and placed one arm under his neck, urging him to sit up a bit so he could wrap his arms around him. Scott scooted into a seated position and allowed himself to be cradled. Derek had no idea what to say. He couldn't solve Scott's problems with his dad, nor could he ensure that Scott would get all A's. He could suggest that Scott talk to his mom when his dad wasn't around, but now that his dad had returned from his latest business trip, he was going to be around until they returned from their trip to Iowa over winter break. He could even tell him that it wouldn't be the end of the world if he couldn't be on the team, but that wouldn't make Scott feel better.
Instead, he opted to just hold Scott tight, running a hand up and down his back and pulling him closer.
* * * *
Midterm week flew by faster than Derek could believe. They were given Monday through Wednesday and teachers had to enter their term grades into the school's computer by Thursday night. Friday was the last day before winter break.
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Students would be receiving their midyear report cards from their last period teacher.
On Thursday, after practice, Derek and Scott decided to drive around aimlessly. Listening to music, they rode down Mt. Auburn Street into Watertown and then Newton, hopping on the Mass Pike and heading west towards Natick. Scott had been restless and moody all week, stressing about his exams.
Derek's midterms had gone well. All except for science. He didn't know what it was about science that eluded him, but it was the only subject that ever gave him trouble. It wasn't his midterms that were worrying him at the moment. Watching Scott stare out the passenger side window, he wondered whether he should break the silence or not. "How do you think you did on your midterms?"
Scott started fidgeting with the radio controls, playing with the bass, treble and balance. "I don't know. Guess I'll find out tomorrow. English and history were easy. So was French.
Science wasn't so bad. The one I'm worried about is calculus."
Releasing the radio dials, he leaned back in his seat and resumed staring out the passenger-side window.
It didn't bother Derek that Scott didn't seem to want to talk, but he could tell his mind was spinning with worry. "Do you really think that your dad is going to flip if you don't get all A's? I mean, what if you got one B." Scott's shoulders tensed. Wrong question to ask.
"Yes, I do." Scott's voice was solemn and sure.
Derek briefly glanced at Scott's sulking figure, slouched in the seat next to him. He was leaving for Iowa the following evening and Derek didn't want their last night before being 217
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separated for ten days to be tense and troubled. "You know what I think we need to do? We need to go to Dave & Buster's at the Natick Mall. We can abuse the pinball machines and slam an air hockey puck around." They were only ten minutes from the mall and Derek wanted to create a shift in mood as quickly as possible.
Scott shrugged. "Sure, if you want to."
It wasn't the level of enthusiasm Derek was hoping for, but he would work with it. Pulling into the Natick Mall parking lot, he drove past the section with all of the department stores to the side lot where the arcade and movie theater were located.
Once they had purchased tokens, Derek beelined for the air hockey table, which was empty. Depositing the required number of tokens, he heard the mechanical whir as the air began to push through the tiny holes on the surface and the clink as the puck landed in the receptacle at the side of the table. They messed around for a while, getting used to each other's styles. And finally they began playing in earnest.
Derek loved to play air hockey, but sucked at it. He had good dexterity and hand-eye coordination when he did things with his body, but when he had to use things like the air hockey pushers or tennis racquets, he was hopelessly inept.
Scott, on the other hand, proved to be a very good player and his mood had lightened significantly. Capitalizing on the moment, Derek decided to become comical. "Ok, tough guy, let's play for real. I've been going easy on you so far."
Scott smirked, "Bring it on."
Derek hit the puck and Scott slammed it back, deflecting it against the side of the table. It flew into Derek's goal.
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Scott laughed. "I see what you mean. You're gonna kick my ass. I can tell." The corner of his mouth began to creep up the side of his face and he bit his lower lip. Whenever Scott bit his lip, the lip Derek found so sensual and kissable, he became distracted and aroused. "Hey, tell you what. I'll play one handed." Hitting the puck, Scott knocked it directly towards Derek's goal. It slipped in easily.
"Just you shut up." Derek laughed, feeling his ears burn at the jab, but he was pleased that Scott's mood was lightening up. To his utter horror, Scott continued to trample him even with one arm behind his back. When they finished the game, Derek had lost, eleven to zero, but Scott was back in his usual upbeat mood. Trying to salvage the whipping he had just taken, Derek raised his hands in the air in mock victory.
"See, I told you I'd whip your ass."
Scott tilted his head back and uttered a single Ha. "Right, you put me to shame."
They spent another hour playing different games, and then headed into the mall to grab an ice cream. Finally, they decided to head back home. In the car, Scott's mood remained cheerful. "That was fun. I needed to blow off some steam."
As they drove down Route Nine, heading back east towards Cambridge, Derek felt a warm sense of satisfaction in his chest. He reached over and took Scott's hand in his. Scott twined their fingers together, lifted Derek's hand to his mouth and gave it a soft kiss, then lowered it into his lap, holding it there. They drove, contentedly in silence, listening to music.
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The next day, when they got their grades in history class, Derek's heart fell. He had received three A's and two B's. It wasn't his grades that bothered him. He knew that his parents would be happy. It was Scott's grades that concerned him. He had received all A's except for calculus. He received a B- in that class. As they left the school saying their goodbyes to their friends, Scott's mood dampened, becoming as cold as the weather outside. Sitting in his car outside Scott's house, he wished there was something he could do to brighten the moment. He wouldn't be seeing Scott for ten days and didn't want his last moment with him to be like this.
Turning to Scott, he spoke using a gentle voice. "I'm gonna miss you. Promise that we'll talk at least o
nce a day."
Scott leaned over, placing his hand on the side of Derek's face and curling his fingers behind Derek's neck. Pulling him in, Scott closed the distance between them and kissed him with warm tenderness. The wetness from the inside of his mouth slicked over Derek's lips creating a seal between them as their tongues intertwined. Derek loved their slow sweet kisses, but this particular kiss had a feeling of longing and desire that he hadn't felt before. It felt like Scott needed this kiss and wouldn't let it go. After a few minutes, Scott reluctantly drew his head back and held Derek in a silent gaze. "I'm going to miss you too. More than you can imagine."
* * * *
The first few days of winter break dragged longer than Derek could have imagined. Not only did he miss Scott 220
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terribly, used to seeing him every day, but Scott hadn't called. Derek called frequently and kept getting forwarded to his voicemail. A mixture of real worry and extreme anger soured his mood. His parents asked him a few times what was wrong, but they had no idea that he and Scott were in a relationship, or that he was gay for that matter, so it would sound odd to start complaining that a boy hadn't called him in a few days. Instead, he just grumpily claimed that nothing was wrong and went to the attic to listen to music.
After dinner on Christmas Eve, Derek was unable to contain the thoughts that kept him in his surly mood and decided to call Beck. Being Jewish, she was one of his few friends who was always free from family obligations around the winter holidays. "Hey Beck. I'm about ready to throw my mixing board out the window. Can we get together?"
Beck had called him each day to find out if he had talked to Scott. Derek's proclamation made the question unnecessary at the moment. "Sure babe. Let's meet up at The Syrian Wrap in Central Square. Half an hour sound good to you?"
"Sure. I'll see you there."
A half an hour later, Derek and Beck were sitting at a table by the window, watching last minute Christmas shoppers trudge through the snow and slush. Derek had ordered a chai tea and a chicken Caesar wrap. Beck had opted for a double mocha and a barbeque chicken wrap with extra hot sauce.
Dipping one end of her wrap into the blue cheese dressing that came with her meal, she took a large bite and surveyed Derek. A dollop of blue cheese had pasted itself to the corner 221
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of her mouth and was beginning to drip towards her chin.
"Okay. Just start talking and don't stop until you get it all out.
I will, in my superior manner, sort through your feelings for you when you are finished."
Derek smiled weakly, but was grateful for the chance to vent with someone who knew exactly what was going on with him. "I just don't get it. Everything was going so well. We even admitted that we love each other. We spend all of our time together. He promised me that he would call me every day. And now, nothing. No call. Nothing. I don't know what to think. I mean, I know he was freaked out when he got his report card because his dad had threatened to pull him from the team if he didn't get straight A's, but seriously, could his dad really be upset with all A's except for a B- in calculus?
That's not even a required math class in high school. And even if his dad did pull him from the team, wouldn't you think that he would want to call me to let me know? Also, I have been calling him for the past four days which makes me feel like the lamest, most clingy girl in the world." He held up a hand to prevent the protest that flashed across Beck's face.
"Sorry, Beck, you know what I mean. It's just not like me to go chasing after people. That's all I'm saying. I keep getting his voicemail. I have left several messages telling him I am worried and that I miss him, but still, nothing. I don't know what to think. Part of me is terrified that something has happened to him. I know his plane landed safely because I made him give me his flight information before he left, but still, I don't know what to think." Derek leaned back in his chair and felt his face become hot and his vision began to 222
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blur. A tear escaped his eye and slowly worked its way down his cheek. "Damn it! I hate feeling this way."
Beck had remained surprisingly silent, allowing Derek to get all of his feelings off his chest. "First of all, bravo. I have never heard you string together so many feelings out loud before. Through your music, yes, but with words, no. Good for you. Second, I don't know what to tell you about what's going on with Scott. It could be a million things." Derek's shoulders slumped and he could feel more tears spilling out of his eyes. "Hold on, I said I can't tell you what's going on with Scott. But I can tell you what I think is going on with you."
Derek wiped his eyes and continued to listen as Beck went on. "You have never had to worry about what other people think about you. You have always had friends and, well, have been popular in the traditional sense of the word. Your parents are just the right balance of liberal, but parental, imposing reasonable limits, but trusting you and giving you plenty of freedom. And, of course, you have had me, the utterly fabulous and progressive actor extraordinaire." Derek continued listening, but his expression did not change. "Aw, c'mon, Derek. That was a little funny wasn't it?" When Derek didn't respond, Beck stuck her tongue out at him. "Fine, be that way. What I mean is that you have had me to talk to about being gay. Whatever you have felt or gone through, you haven't had to go through it alone. I have been there every step along the way, still loving you, still accepting you, and still your best friend. So now you are faced with a situation that you have never had to face. You are in love. By 223
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the way, have I mentioned that I am quite jealous of how sweet you guys are together?"
Derek reluctantly grinned. "Maybe a few times."
"You've allowed your feelings to get tied up into him, and now that he is unreachable and you can't get a feel for what is going on, you feel lost. You've allowed him to connect to your heart, and the uncertainty of what's going on with him right now is tugging at that connection and making you feel uncomfortable. That's normal Derek. You just haven't allowed yourself to get close to anyone in that way before."
Derek considered her words. They made sense in a logical way. But they didn't alleviate any of the discomfort, fear, and anger he was feeling. "I totally get what you are saying, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't stand feeling this way."
Beck smiled and shook her head. "Derek, it's not supposed to make you feel better. When you love, you open yourself to hurt. It's just the way it works. Right now you're hurting and you just have to work through it. There is no quick fix here."
Derek's head slumped into his hands and he emitted a loud sigh. Beck couldn't help the smile that pulled at the sides of her mouth. At the same time, she knew that Derek was struggling and it hurt to see him upset. "For what it's worth, I am sure that there is a perfectly good explanation for why he hasn't called you, and when you finally do connect and understand what has been going on with him you will probably feel much better."
Derek considered that and did actually begin to feel a bit better. Knowing what he needed gave him a sense of control 224
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over his feelings. The problem was, when would he be able to get Scott on the phone? By the time Derek left to head back home, he felt much better. Not back to normal, but much better than he had felt since vacation began.
The next morning Derek woke to the sound of his cell phone ringing. Glancing at the caller ID, he did not recognize the number. He decided to answer anyway. "Hello."
"Derek! It's me." Scott was talking in a whisper and his voice sounded tense.
Derek felt an immediate sense of relief which, almost as quickly, was replaced by anger. "Where the hell have you been? I have been so worried about you. Do you even have the slightest idea what my imagination has been doi
ng to my nerves?"
Scott was silent. After a few moments he spoke. "Actually, yes, I can imagine how you have been feeling because I have been feeling the same way and I am so sorry. My dad was furious when he saw my calculus grade and took my phone away from me. My mom woke me up this morning and gave me her cell so I could call you. She said that she's been worried about me ever since we came out here. I haven't really been all that pleasant."
Derek felt his anger dissipate as he realized that Scott had wanted to call him the whole time, but had been prevented from doing so by his father. He also felt a searing hatred towards Scott's father. "Beck figured there would be a logical explanation. I was just too miserable imagining that you..."
He couldn't finish the sentence. "Anyway. It's so good to hear your voice. Merry Christmas. I miss you."
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"I miss you, too. I wish I were home with you instead of here." As angry as he had been, as stressed, worried, and despondent, hearing Scott call Cambridge his home caused Derek's heart rate to speed up a bit. Scott's next comment brought him back to the shitty situation the two of them were in. "Dad has been...well...difficult."
"Are you going to be able to wrestle when you get back?"
Scott's voice was steady as he replied, "That hasn't been determined yet, but Mom says that he probably won't pull me from the team. She did say that he would probably restrict my activity until I bring my calculus grade up and I won't get my cell back. But I'll still be able to be on the team."
"That's good. At least he's not taking everything away."
"Yeah, I guess." Scott's voice sounded resigned. "But I still feel like I'm being punished harshly and that life will probably feel like a prison, even with wrestling to distract me." Derek felt a slight sting that Scott hadn't included him on the list with wrestling as something that could distract him, but pushed the thought aside realizing that this conversation was not about him, it was about Scott. "Anyhow, Mom said I couldn't stay on the phone long. I really wanted to hear your voice and to wish you a Merry Christmas. I'm sorry that I haven't called. Can you forgive me?"
