Please, please stop describing a character as an “everywoman,” when in the character breakdown you go, “Someone like this . . . ,” and then list seventy-five white ladies who collectively on their most tan day are still lighter than a batter of buttermilk pancakes. Y’all know y’all don’t want me. I know y’all don’t want me. The jig is up.
And if you’re thinking the casting notices are any better when folks are specifically looking for people of color, you’re wrong. Y’all. Y’ALL. These character breakdowns got me running through the six with my casting call woes. These casting calls are demoralizing. They are cringeworthy. And most important, they are clearly written by folks who are not people of color. They are written by people who went half-mast in their pants one time over a barely-not-white person and feel as if that half chub is the only prerequisite needed for writing the most boneheaded, oblivious, ludicrous casting notices that are somehow supposed to make us POC actors feel grateful that we’re being included.
To be clear, 99 percent of all casting notices are ludicrous, regardless of race or gender. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen breakdowns for a hard-nosed woman who just happens to be an undercover hottie! So it’s not that white actors are escaping the lunacy. They’re not; they just don’t encounter it to quite the degree that actors of color do, simply because most of the quality roles are written for white actors. As a result, folks like me are left trying to find a couple of nonembarrassing roles in a pile of crap. The one glimmer of hope is that the tide is changing. Viola Davis became the first woman of color to win a Best Actress award at the Primetime Emmys; Golden Globe winner Gina Rodriguez’s Jane the Virgin is one of the most popular shows on TV right now; Fresh Off the Boat, the first show about an Asian-American family to air on network television in twenty years, is a critical and ratings success. But for the handful of wins like these, there are thousands of losing moments, and they start with these casting call notices. So, I want to give you, dear reader, a sample of what I, and many others, go through as performers when we look for roles. To protect the insensitive, the following notices are made up, but are inspired by what my friends and I have seen IRL.
Reneighaaay (Series Regular):
Sassy yet smart career administrative assistant to Ted, her boss, whose life is a mess—his wife left him and his personality is horrible—BUT he has a rotating cast of twentysomething women that sleep with him because he’s handsome. Despite Ted’s ne’er-do-well ways and the fact Reneighaaay is severely underpaid, she is fiercely loyal to him because she knows the loving of a good woman will change him. In the meantime, she will be by his side giving him a healthy dose of real talk. This character has no dreams, hopes, or desires of her own. Actress must be comfortable with saying “Mm-hmm” and “Uh-huh” when the writers don’t have time to write actual dialogue for her.
My favorite part about these kinds of notices is that even though the character’s name is pronounced Renee, it’s spelled the way a guy says “Renee” when he’s orgasming because racism makes the writer of this description bust a nut. More important, this absurd spelling lets everyone know this character is black. I supposed that’s because if it isn’t “clear” that the character is supposed to be black, the role would just end up going to one of the women from Gossip Girl.
Now that we’re warmed up, let’s check out another kind of notice. It’s also for an assistant type of character, although this one doesn’t have a name. But no worries, because the casting director swears the nameless character is pertinent to the plot and that there will be several scenes of meaty monologues for the actress to show off the skills she learned from taking Kevin Spacey’s online MasterClass course:
Legal Assistant—Untitled Jason Bateman Project
Character Description: Don’t let the lack of having a government name fool you! Legal Assistant is very important to this film. She will be in the room when her boss William Henry Richardson III does some really shady deals. There’s even a time when she witnesses him doing something very, very bad without him noticing that she’s in the room because this is a thriller! The pressure gets to her, which explains why she copes with the stress by being rather sexually promiscuous. Note: This role requires frontal and topless nudity.
Hooray! This supermisogynistic role is open to all races. Clearly, this will go to Eva Mendes, but it’s nice to be asked to audition for this because that means someone involved with this production wants to have sex with you. Fuckability is key to your life as an actor. Never forget that!
OK, so even though these roles are not the most desirable, at least they are presented in a pleasant and somewhat professional way. That’s not always the case. For instance, when you don’t have an agent and you’re just starting out in the business, you don’t have access to casting notices for TV series or big studio movies. So you have to look for work elsewhere. And by “elsewhere,” I mean Lucifer’s taint, aka Craigslist. Look, I love me some Craigslist. You can indulge in the rom-com fantasy of missed connections, you can waste time having discussions in one of its many chat forums, and it’s great for when I need an “earthy” coffee table, which in CL-speak means, “A trifling heaux used to put his feet on this table all the time, so it has a slight funk smell that gives it character.” But hunting on Craigslist for roles that will pump up the ole acting résumé? Good luck because most of the casting notices are just hot garbage like the following:
Interested in a role in which you are only a few years older than the lead actor playing opposite you, yet you are cast as his mother? Sure, you’re not even thirty, but let’s face it: Your insides are probably like a rotting bag of baby carrots, right? Right. So you’re a mom. Thankfully, you’re still attractive in the face. Role consists of standing off to the side and watching the action go down, telling your son he is destined for greatness, and that one scene where you have to be attracted to the much older actor playing your husband even though your spirit is like, Nah, boo. I ain’t feelin’ dis. You will get felt. Like literally. You will be naked during love scene while much older actor gets to grab your boobs. He, of course, will be fully clothed like he’s about to go catch fish with Bear Grylls in Alaska. Ethnically ambiguous.
This is why Craigslist’s “anything goes” vibe is kind of boo-boo. Lots of times what you get is less of a character breakdown and more of a dude in his Fruit of the Looms writing out some wackadoo pseudo-oedipal nonsense from his mom’s basement. I mean, we all remember the disastrous movie Alexander in 2004 where Angelina Jolie, who at the time was twenty-eight years old . . . and was cast as Colin Farrell’s mother even though he was only one year younger than her at the time. And who was cast as the dad? Old-ass Val Kilmer, who was forty-four at the time. Look, I love me some Val Kilmer. Anytime I watch Batman Forever, there’s light precipitation going on in my vaginal walls—#HaveAPonchoHandy—but he was damn near fifty before he got cast as a dad in a movie (so it was at least in the realm of possibility that his character could have been a teen dad). But Angie Jo was still at the age when crow’s-feet would come knocking at her door and she’d treat them like Jehovah’s Witnesses and go, “Boy, bye,” slam the door shut, and continue being young-looking AF. While this is the sort of nonsense the entertainment industry perpetuates on the regs, at least the writer of these kinds of ads gets to the point. Who needs to be insulted in a roundabout way?
Casting for commercials gets even more succinct because the world of commercials is like a factory. There are hundreds of TV shows, meaning there are tons of thirty-second ad breaks that need to be filled. If A-list movie work is filet mignon, then commercial work is an unopened and beat-up bag of Lays, in which all the chips are broken . . . you know, like your dreams will be because you’re stuck in the hell that is commercial work. On the plus side, because commercial casting is quick and dirty, the castings don’t waste your time, and present you with just the facts, Jack:
Role Name: African-American Princi
pal
Attire: Professional
Role Details: Nice-looking, personable, but not too dark
OMG! You guys, you don’t actually think this is racist, do you? It totally isn’t. It’s just one silly misunderstanding, as a rep for Acura explained when the casting director posted a notice very similar to the above. The rep claimed that the “not too dark” request was simply made because being dark would make lighting and special effects more difficult. Nope .edu. If the BBC can light Idris Elba for Luther so he looks like a delectable blueberry tart from Giada De Laurentiis’s kitchen, then y’all can light a garbage ad that’s going to air during Jane the Virgin commercial breaks.
But let’s not Panic! at the Disco (can you please give it up for that amazing reference?) because not everything is Dire Straits (see what I did there?) for actors of color. Viola Davis and Gina Rodriguez are leads in TV shows when twenty years ago they would’ve been a basic B, heating up a Lean Cuisine, and making a “this lady needs to get her life together” face while the white female lead character has all the fun. Ditto for dudes of color. Blackish’s Anthony Anderson is a loving dad who also gets to discuss issues like police brutality and the N-word in funny and touching ways, and Master of None’s Aziz Ansari captures the millennial experience realistically because it’s being written by millennials and not out-of-touch fifty-year-old white dudes. Because of this, Hollywood is more willing to show men of color as more than just thugs and goofy Others. Too bad this casting notice is still a fail because even though this MOC has a nondegrading job, the role continues to perpetuate the notion that certain men of color are not desirable:
Dr. Ryan (Recurring Character): Age range: 30s–40s. Last name, personality traits, and character motivation do not matter. Handsome, but not too handsome because he’s either Indian or Asian, c’mon! Ain’t nobody attracted to those kind of men.
LOL. India is a part of Asia, but who has time for geography? OK, OK, I’ll stop busting balls. We should all be thankful that an Indian or Asian guy is getting a chance to work. Who cares if he’s playing yet another asexual man?
Speaking of men, society is finally recognizing the ever-evolving world of gender identity. And thanks to trans activists like Janet Mock and shows like Transparent, Hollywood is being forced to expand their idea of diversity. Trans people need their stories to be shared, but unfortunately, Hollywood hasn’t entirely caught up to how to make that possible, so they tend to rely on a bad habit: If you have to try, it’s just easier to go with a white guy . . .
Jeslene (Lead): Late 20s/Early 30s trans character of color who—you know what? Never mind. We’re going in a different direction. We’re just going to cast Eddie Redmayne to play her.
Ah, so close, yet so far. Maybe next time! Until then, Laverne Cox is going to be the sole star who is representative of trans people of color. Nothing against Laverne—we all love her—but trans people don’t all have the same life story. UGH! There should be more than one trans narrative, Hollywood! Respect and reflect the wealth of trans stories, please, and in order to do that, you need to hire more than a handful of trans actors! After all, more than one trans actor can and should be a superstar!
Let’s turn it back to people like me: hilarious ladies. Every few years, there are all these articles called “Who Says Women Aren’t Funny?” Or “Funny Women Are Finally Breaking into the Boys’ Club.” And my personal fav: “WHUT? Women Are Like Funny and Stuff? That Idea Is So Wacky That My Dick Almost Flew Off in Disbelief.” As annoying as it is for the media to constantly be shocked that women can have senses of humor and be amusing to men, the plus side is that all this discussion is leading to more comical characters for women. Like this one!
Li-Nee (Horny Foreigner)
Description: Who says women can’t be funny? Not us! We’re taking the Long Duk Dong character from Sixteen Candles and modernizing it. Meaning Li-Nee is portrayed by a woman instead of a man! Neat and kind of edgy, right? Anyway, this lady’s really funny, a girl-next-door tomboy who will look jaw-droppingly beautiful after her makeover scene. Can be gross and vulgar like Seth Rogen, but still beautiful. Should be comfortable doing some improv and a couple of scenes of nudity. MUST be capable of speaking in broken English. Only people in 20s will be seen.
How cool of it that whoever wrote this movie with all male characters and then at the last minute changed one of their names to something female-sounding and voilà, this means the filmmaker cares about and acknowledges women! Not! I mean, yes, we have ourselves a lady in Li-Nee, except nothing that is unique or pertinent to her female experience will be explored. And ladies and gentlemen, that’s what happens when no women are involved in the writing process. You end up with a dude’s idea of a woman, which is just a human being without a dong, aka John Bobbitt, for that half day it took the po-po to find his peen after his then-wife Lorena chopped it off. I mean, it’s almost as though the writer of this movie hasn’t met and/or doesn’t like women? Oh, wait, she’s low-key hot, and lucky for her, guys realize this once she makes an effort to fit within heteronormative standards of female beauty. And by seeing how men respond to her physically, she learns to love herself. No, we were right the first time. The writer of the movie doesn’t like women.
Every once in a while, when you’re on Backstage.com, a director will list multiple breakdowns for various roles in his movie. What’s nice about this is it allows actors to see what the director’s vision is for the entire project:
Beautiful Actress, Breathtaking Smile
Requirements for Lead Actress:
Highly attractive, Age 19-34
Very fit & in shape (Kim Kardashian–esque A-plus, Serena Williams-ish? Not so much)
XS size ideal, S is OK, I guess, but like . . .
Females, any ethnicity, but if African-American, no extensions, dreadlocks, weaves, or dyed hair. MUST BE NATURAL HAIR.
Acting Experience: Previous unpaid and paid speaking roles. An episode arc or two on a few popular television series as well as a lead role in an indie film is ideal.
Old Male Actor Needed
Requirements:
Males, Some experience (played the dancing old guy in the Six Flags commercial).
Age range: Phil Spector to Al Pacino playing Phil Spector in that HBO movie, aka old AF.
Ah, right. How could I forget? Not only do women have to be as physically fit as an athlete whose sport of choice is eating salads and having sex, but they also have to have the IMDb résumé of an experienced actor while still, and somewhat impossibly, being as young as the dancing baby from Ally McBeal. #Callback.
Finally, thanks to the whole #OscarsSoWhite controversy, it seems that casting directors are making sure actors of color are getting the opportunity to have Academy Award–winner-caliber roles:
Naked Slave
You will be naked. You will have no lines. You will play dead.
Motherfucker, this isn’t the boat scene from Amistad. I am all slave-movie’d out. Hard pass.
So, this is what life is like for people of color who pursue a career in acting. We are bombarded with notices that take figurative Metamucil-infused dumps all over our hopes and dreams of having an IMDb résumé like Jennifer Lawrence’s or Christian Bale’s. But don’t get too bummed out, because it really does get less awful the more us POCs advance in the industry and become the stars and creators of TV shows and films. I’m a prime example of that momentum. Just three years ago, no one knew who the hell I was. Now I have the occasional person reaching out to my manager/agents about getting me to audition for stuff. Granted, a fair amount of the roles are my being surprised that chicken can be fried and readily available to be purchased, but it’s something. In all seriousness, I’m getting small roles here and there on Comedy Central, Amazon, and Netflix shows, and it’s giving me hope that I can break through by being myself. As naïve as this sounds, I simply won’t allow myself to b
e stuck in stereotype hell for the rest of my career. I can’t allow it, especially after people like Shonda Rhimes have shown me that there’s another way. I don’t have to keep auditioning for roles that insult my intelligence or treat me as though I should be lucky to be part of the game. I can say no to an insulting casting notice because there is more out there than being cast as the sidekick to a white character, where one of my lines would be about how my friend is pretty and exciting and I’m not. Television is proving time and time again that there are more complex and interesting roles. And that is giving me hope that one day I can join my besties like The West Wing’s C. J. Cregg, A Different World’s Whitley Gilbert, Seinfeld’s Elaine Benes, and countless others. And when I do, I want to have something to talk about. Stories that match and surpass theirs. Looks like I might just have to create that something to talk about.
The Angry Black Woman Myth
Friends, I’m going to blow your mind a little bit: This essay, which appears here on page 182, is actually the last chapter that I wrote for this book. I know! I just ruined the fantasy that books are always written linearly. Sorry! But this whole angry black woman thing is draining to talk about, which is why I’ve put it off to the very last minute. I guess you can add this revelation to the list of other misconceptions about writing, which include the following:
Authors only write when they are inspired. Sure, many written works start under the influence of a muse, but let’s get real: Books get completed because hard work taps muse on the shoulder like a WWE wrestler does his tag-team partner during a match and takes over to do all the dirty work. Please note: Wearing shiny spandex wrestling trunks while writing is not required, but go for it. I’m not here to judge your journey.
You Can't Touch My Hair Page 15
