Thanks to real-life friends who don’t do comedy: Alison Stauver (we live in the butthole of Brooklyn, mere avenues away from each other. Thanks for being my plus-one in life), Karen Asprea (you’re one of my oldest friends. I love you), the Picturehouse Crew (we don’t see each other nearly enough, but I love you all), Mark McCreary, Josh Sussman (I was an OK admin assistant for you, and you didn’t care because you supported me doing stand-up from the day I met you and also Katya rocks! Hey, boo!), and Safy Farah (we have been Internet friends for so long, and it was so wonderful to finally meet you this year; I am envious of your teeth).
Thanks to everyone who has read one of my Blaria blogs, my rants on Facebook, and/or attended any of my stand-up shows. I would not be here without you.
Finally, Michael Fassbender, thanks in advance for being my future baby daddy.
* Apparently, Billy—he and I are on a first-name basis, BTdubs—doesn’t like coming out and seeing a bunch of American Psycho–looking mofos chilling in the front row with their arms crossed at his concerts. So he has his staff look for women that he would find beautiful and put them in the front row. Is this very #YesAllWomen? Probably not. Is it pretty much the reparations Sojourner Truth envisioned? I’d like to think so.
* Actually, this is reparations, and if I were the queen of a country, this would be the salutation white people would have to greet me with.
* For those not up to speed, a meet-cute is when two characters who are destined to be together, but don’t know it yet, first get acquainted and something romantic/adorably embarrassing that pits the lovers against each other happens. Like Matthew McConaughey saving Jennifer Lopez when her high heel gets stuck in a sewer grate in The Wedding Planner, or when Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan grow to hate each other, in a charming way of course, as they drive cross-country in When Harry Met Sally. Or in my case, Taken Face and I would eventually get past this N-bomb hiccup and fall in love because he’d buy me a Russian winter hat and I’d teach him how to make potato salad for the family cookout.
* Before I continue, I want to be clear about something. While what they did was unacceptable, part of me believes it was nothing but karmic retribution for all the times I laughed at contestants having their dreams demolished on national television. What transpired, in some way, had to have made up for every GIF I made of a Dave Matthews wannabe getting told he wasn’t going to Hollywood, or the times I’ve rewound my DVR to mock a Real World housemate whose line-reading of “I’m not here to make friends” was as awkward as a five-year-old child reading One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish for the first time. And it was particularly humbling because I’ve been proclaiming to friends for years that if I was ever on reality TV, I would crush it. Karma is the only reasonable explanation for their behavior, right? Oh, wait. Nope. It’s because emotionally drop-kicking people makes for great television. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
* Side note: Teens should not be allowed to blindly do things. Teens blindly doing things is the reason why the Spice Girls ever had a career and why dELiA*s was a thriving business in the ’90s, even though the company spelled its name like it was one of those annoying CAPTCHA tests StubHub makes people take before they purchase concert tickets.
* If it’s not clear by now, I would most certainly be the first casualty in an apocalypse scenario, and there wouldn’t be any outcry like “Why did the black person have to die first?” that usually accompanies a death like this. People would be like, “Well, what did you expect? Phoebe has no survival skills, she’s a picky eater, and she spent valuable time writing to A&M Records to request an Eagle-Eye Cherry Greatest Hits compilation album be made instead of learning how to do “Demi Moore in G.I. Jane” pull-ups. And yes, EEC’s only hit song is “Save Tonight,” but I could listen to that twelve times in a row, so . . . this greatest hits compilation is most necessary.
* According to an ACLU study, “black women represent 30 percent of all incarcerated women in the United States, although they represent 13 percent of the female population generally.”
* AmericanProgress.org reports that the poverty rate for black women is 28.6 percent while it is only 10.8 percent for non-Hispanic white women.
* I was going to include a small jar of mayonnaise as part of a box set for a comedy performance DVD of mine. Along with the mayonnaise, the box would include a custom unisex fragrance I had made at great expense, as well as a silver flask marked URINE, and a sample of my mustache hair. I can give you one if you like, Olivia. I have hundreds and hundreds of them in a warehouse in Massachusetts.
* Also, he was an advocate of local light rail and nonpolluting public transportation throughout his life.
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You Can't Touch My Hair Page 23
