With those words, she slipped out of the room and closed the door softly. Deep within I knew the fear I shared with her about my well-being wouldn’t remain a secret between the two of us. That much had been obvious. I had known her my entire life so I was entirely certain that Julius or my mother would hear about my mental illness. If that’s what it was. The thought made my stomach lurch again.
I leaped from the bed as I felt bile climb up my throat, racing through the door to my restroom like a bullet. The porcelain of the toilet came into view within seconds, and I retched as I kneeled on the floor in front of it. My fingers gripped the smooth bowl. But the voice inside of my head didn’t stop and, as I placed my forehead against the cool porcelain, I attempted to focus on it and bring it to the forefront. I could make out my name, but the rest was gibberish and muffled beyond recognition of any kind. The only thing I could recognize beside my name was the pattern of Cato’s speech and the tone of his voice, leaving me to deduce that it was definitely either a hallucination or he was truly here. The dream I had told me he was truly here if I wanted to take it seriously, but it was a dream. It could tell me whatever it wanted to make me feel less guilty about killing him to save the rest of us from King.
I vomited until my stomach was completely empty, with not even stomach acid left to expel to relieve the heaving my body was still attempting to do. I rested my arm on the lip of the bowl and lay my forehead on my forearm, staying as close to the toilet as I could just in case my body decided to betray me again. Which it had been continuously doing since the compound unless I was in the middle of a fight. That was when it was most helpful, guiding my body and how it used the power inside of it to save myself and the others. At that moment, all I wanted to be able to do was to use it willingly, to control it so it didn’t control me in my moments of need. Especially when my anxiety and terror were at its worst. And I needed to know what all of this meant. What Cato’s ever-present voice and images of him in my dreams and the visions that weren’t mine meant.
He’s coming, the voice stated. This was one of the few things I had been able to make out up until that point. The clarity of the words startled me, causing me to shoot up to an upright position there on the tiled floor.
“What?”
The word came out in a near shriek as my heart raced inside of my chest. Even though I knew where the voice came from, I scanned the room anyways, making certain that I was correct in my assumption and not just going even more insane with each passing second.
He’s here, the voice came again, the whisper even harder to make out.
“Cato? Who’s here?”
Silence greeted me and, as I waited, I strained to hear every sound and every hush. Nothing.
“Dammit,” I shouted in exasperation. My fist pounded once on the floor, sending pain shooting from my closed hand and up toward my shoulder. I hissed in pain and cradled my closed hand against my belly.
There was a knock at the threshold of the small room, and my eyes shot up to find Ryder standing there leaning against it, a broad grin on his face like he caught me doing something embarrassing. White clothing covered every inch of his body. He looked freshly showered and had even shaved the stubble he had developed while we were on the run. His green eyes were bright with amusement and beautiful as usual, reflecting the fluorescent lights above us in a way I had never seen. My knees would have given out on me if I wasn’t already sitting on the floor.
“You talking to yourself?” he asked as the smile only grew wider while I stared at him. If it went any farther, I was afraid his gorgeous face would crack at the corners of his mouth.
“In a matter of speaking,” I replied.
He held his hands out to me, and I took them. Ryder pulled me to my feet and cradled me against his broad chest as I stared up at him, memorizing his face like it was the last time I’d see it even though it wouldn’t be. Not for a long time as far as I was concerned.
“So does that mean you were, or you weren’t?” he teased.
I furrowed my brow and frowned at him in mock annoyance.
Tell him, the whisper surfaced again, but was more hushed than before as if it was trying not to be heard by outside ears.
“I’m not ready to say just yet,” I replied to the both of them.
That got an odd look from Ryder that I couldn’t decipher, but I decided to shrug it off. I wouldn’t have even been sure how to explain any of it until I knew more. And I would do whatever was necessary to get the answers I needed.
The smile returned, and Ryder said, “You know, there is a psych ward here if you need a little something. I even have security clearance.”
“Oh, you do?” I laughed only half-heartedly and, as it faded away, I could feel the frown return. “I’m not entirely sure I find that funny.”
He hung his head and sighed, but didn’t let go of me. If anything, he held me tighter than he had been.
“I know, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t sure what else to say. This is all just,” he looked back down at me and tears lined his bottom lids, “it’s a lot, and I may not be handling it well. I thought I could when I got the assignment, but I never thought I’d fall in love with you, you know? It makes it harder. If that makes any sense at all.”
“No, I get it. You’re right. It does.” I sighed when the darkness that only fear brings flashed over his eyes. “I know you want in. I just need time. I need to figure this out before I bring you completely into the crazy. There’s something happening up here.” I tapped my temple with my index finger. “Something I don’t understand, and I want some answers that I know the doctors here at the Fallen Paradigm can give me. What I do know is that I want you by my side and that I love you. Can that be enough until I figure it all out?”
His smile was tired, but still there as he absorbed my words.
“It is,” he answered as he nodded. “But I just want to know one thing.”
“And that is?”
“Is this about Cato? Whatever he did at the compound? You know, when he shared his vision with you.”
I froze in place, and the only thing I could hear was the silence around us and my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
Tell him, Cato’s voice surfaced again, a little stronger this time and insistent.
“Yes.”
Chapter
SIX
After I had finally somewhat admitted that I suspected that the voices and the visions were caused by what Cato had done back in the compound just moments before his death at my hands, Ryder no longer pushed me for information. But it was only a suspicion with nothing confirmed. Well, nothing besides what I could see and hear myself which could very well have been a hallucination caused by my newly acquired mental state. And Ryder had let me be as we lay in my new bed within the Fallen Paradigm’s walls. He held me and ran his fingers up and down my arm in such a soothing way I had fallen asleep quickly despite the doubt running rampant through me. Or the insistence of my mind that I was going insane even though I was almost certain that wasn’t the case. Or, not entirely. Even at that moment, there was still a fraction of me that was in denial.
Breakfast was rather uneventful, the scrambled eggs and bacon much better than anything I had eaten while in the compound. It was as if they had removed all of the flavor from what they fed us on purpose and, all the while, I thought about approaching my mother and Doctor Aserov about what was happening inside of me. Something I didn’t understand that I hoped with everything I had that they could help me find the answers to. I was confident that, if anyone could help me, it would be the good doctor. The woman that helped me as best as she could in the compound and even gave me information about where my power came from inside of me that she most likely shouldn’t have. I never thanked her, and the realization hit me hard. And here I was about to ask her for her help again when this hung between us. She had never said a word, letting the unsp
oken gratefulness be all she needed. I couldn’t let that be enough anymore and, when I stood from the metal table, Ryder’s face twisted in confusion. I could see Doctor Aserov walking toward the exiting doors at least fifteen feet behind my mother, Rayna, and Ajax, and she was moving with purpose.
All other eyes at our table shot up to me as Julius, Jameson, Caius, Gaia, Famke, and Cecilia registered the movement. Hell, it hadn’t even registered to me that I hadn’t seen Noah up until that moment. I would have to ask about him as well.
“Where are you going?” Ryder asked as he put his fork down on his tray. His green eyes reflected the light around us as well as the white walls beautifully, making the starkness of it a lot easier to handle if I could keep my focus off the walls themselves.
“I need to speak to Doctor Aserov,” I replied, my eyes following her as I caught quick glimpses of the others watching me carefully.
Even Gaia was on edge and I had no idea why, but at that moment I had one objective. Well two, really, all involving the good doctor.
“We’ll go with you,” Gaia said as she began to stand while picking up her tray. “Julius, you said you needed to get her to look at something, right?”
Julius’s look of confusion only lasted a second, but it was long enough for me to notice.
“Oh, y...yeah,” he stammered. “I’ve got to talk to her about a mmm…” he paused, “thing.”
I couldn’t be fooled. I had seen the wheels turning in his head just seconds before like he was attempting to create an excuse. It made me wonder why everyone was suddenly so anxious to keep an eye on me. Granted, I did shove them all into a wall recently without touching them because I panicked, but that wasn’t it. Even I could tell something was off.
“No, no. You stay here and finish your breakfast. I need to speak with her alone. Well, her and Mom.” The words came out in a rush, and Gaia’s eyebrows perked up over her sky-blue eyes as she observed me from across the table.
She began to lower herself back to the bench and asked, “You sure?”
I nodded frantically and stepped over the bench, my black boots scuffing on the cement floor. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ll see you guys later. Okay?”
Before anyone had a chance to protest I was off, walking so fast I almost ran. All I could see were their backs as they pushed through the swinging doors, but I still followed. I pushed through the door. They moved faster than I could, my shorter legs having a harder time keeping up as I picked up the pace. A few people walking toward me stared, but I ignored them.
“Shit,” I muttered as they came to a corner that I could tell they were about to go around. I had to act quickly if I didn’t want to lose them.
“Doctor Aserov?” I yelled down the hallway, drawing even more attention to myself.
She stopped and turned quickly, giving me just enough time to catch up to her before she had a chance to disappear around the corner. Her brown eyes watched me skeptically through her glasses, her blonde hair pulled up in a high and tight ponytail. She was dressed in a deep blue, knee length dress and black flats. A lot like what she had worn when we escaped from the compound. Her brows furrowed together and she frowned. My mother and Rayna turned in response to my shouting, both of them frowning at the inconvenience.
“Yes, Mila? What can I do for you?” she asked, her words rushed.
“I need to talk to you about something, but I have a question first,” I replied as I came to stand in front of her.
She nodded. “I may have the answer. Can we do this as we walk?”
“Absolutely, lead the way.” I motioned in the direction they seemed to me walking in with my hands. Doctor Aserov watched me with incredulous eyes, which I chose to ignore.
When she started moving again, she asked, “So, what is it, Mila? Are you having trouble adjusting?”
The wording of her question sent alarm bells ringing in my head, but I pushed forward.
“To the Fallen Paradigm?” I asked in an attempt to act as if I had no idea what she was speaking about. It was obvious they all knew something they should not because of how I was being treated. Like they had to be careful around me, or I’d break into a million pieces and bring the building down around us and the island it stood on into the sea.
She smiled weakly and said, “Yes, to the Fallen Paradigm.”
I looked forward and noticed my mother and Rayna glancing back at us, worry in the set of their eyes and jaws. I took a deep breath and continued with the conversation at hand.
“I’m fine.” I paused before moving on to my next question, getting even closer to the truth of why I needed to speak to her in the first place. “I haven’t seen Famke. Is she all right?”
“Yes, she is fine. She has been training the new recruits quite extensively. All of them are Specials that we pulled from various compounds, especially the Spartan location where we found you and your friends.”
This revelation peaked my curiosity.
“How many?” I probed. Procrastination at its finest.
“Not many, maybe five or six, but they all need extensive training in how to control their abilities, which you and Julius will be getting as well. So soon you need to be ready to get started.”
“I’m ready whenever Famke is,” I admitted as we walked and talked.
My mother and Rayna had stopped in front of a white door down the hallway, and I tried not to give it any attention or risk all three of them seeing the extent of my mental instability.
“Is that all, dear? I am about to go into a meeting to get some business handled.”
Her stare bore into me, and I felt like I was in the middle of an interrogation even though I wasn’t. I hesitated and watched as my mother approached us, stopping next to me and placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Is this about Cato and what he has done?” Doctor Aserov asserted.
I blinked, staring at her in shock. All the puzzle pieces started coming together. Everyone’s awkward behavior and the fact that they wanted to keep me close and handle me like thin glass that would shatter if someone even looked at me the wrong way. The only person who had truly known the extent of what was happening was Cecilia, and I began to mentally kick myself for handing her so much information.
“She told us, Mila. She told us all of it,” my mother interjected as I processed what they were saying to me. “So, we told all of them, especially our doctors here within the Fallen Paradigm. If you feel this is becoming a problem we need to be made aware, you need to tell us. So, is it?”
I wasn’t certain what to say. What would be the wrong thing and what would be the right thing? The shock took over my system, and I stood there, frozen to the spot with my mouth hanging slightly open as I attempted to pull air into my lungs. It was like there was none to have, but I had to swallow the panic. I had to tell them the truth.
“I’m not sure, which is why I wanted to speak with Doctor Aserov. I want to know what’s happening and I know you are the one that can figure it out.”
My mother huffed and replied, “You know, Mila. I was a government doctor for quite some time. She is not the only person you can come to with things like this.”
I turned to my mother. “True, but the good doctor is the one that knows the most about my ability and what all of this with what Cato did could mean. I’m not even one hundred percent sure what he even did, and I want to know just as much as you do. So, please, don’t take it so personally.”
I looked to the both of them, and then my eyes met Rayna’s as she remained at the door and waited for Doctor Aserov and my mother.
“After our meeting, we can definitely get started on our research,” Doctor Aserov assured me with a hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“And you will train with Famke like the others to gain control over this, whatever this is. And we will need
to know everything. Is that clear?” My mother was nearly ordering me around like one of her soldiers, but I let it go, picking and choosing my battles carefully when it came to any of this.
I nodded, and that was all she wrote. It was done. My heart started to make its slow descent from within my throat to its natural home in my chest cavity.
“Since this has to do with you as well, I am going to allow you to step into this meeting. Plus, if you want to exercise this power of yours, you may want to go on our next mission,” my mother pointed out as she looked at me sternly.
Even with the smile that took residence there she still seemed cold, distant since I had asked Doctor Aserov for her help first. I had meant what I said. She couldn’t take this personally. She didn’t have this power inside that had untold potential and, coupled with whatever Cato had done, there was no telling what was possible now. Confusion moved through me at the invitation though, leading me to believe that she was acting oddly bipolar, hopping from one extreme of emotions to the other without so much as a hint as to what set off the mood.
“Um, sure,” I didn’t know what else to say besides that.
My mother looked back at Rayna and asked, “The others on their way?”
“They are. They should be here in a moment.”
“The others?” I asked.
“Yes, Mila. Everyone you came in with plus a few others will be at the meeting as well. So, let’s go get everything started. We’re running out of time.”
I looked at my mother with cynicism, knowing that if I hadn’t stopped them it was highly likely, I wouldn’t have had any idea what was happening or why. And that I’d be left behind. Was it because they felt I was even more dangerous now that there was a part of me I couldn’t control? Or because there was a part of me that no one, including me, understood? She turned away from me as the others rounded the corner, including two men I had never seen before since I had come to the Fallen Paradigm. I grabbed her arm as they all made their way into the room, making her look at me. Her blue eyes were cold and filled with irritation.
The Scorned (The Permutation Archives Book 3) Page 6
