by Mia Villano
“Your mom is Danni Barone. Both of you would come out here and stay quite a bit. You were a little, skinny beauty, but I knew right away who you were when I saw you. You’re the spitting image of your mom.”
I looked at Annie searching her face.
“You are Gabriella Barone, or as you wanted to be called, Gabby. You used to come out and stay in Bungalow 12. That was your mom’s favorite cottage. She loved the pink colors inside and the fireplace. You were a pistol who wouldn’t listen to her. You wore dresses and tennis shoes, screamed when your mom used to comb your hair, and loved to make sand castles. She couldn’t control you.” Annie was smoking a cigarette and her voice sounded raspy.
“Did you know my mom?” I asked.
Annie didn’t answer me right away. She took a drag off her cigarette and looked out into the ocean.
“Annie?” I asked, wondering why she was not responding to me.
“Yes, Gabriella, I knew her well.” She put her cigarette out in the sand, stood, and brushed off her shorts. Annie started to walk up the beach.
I couldn’t understand what was wrong. I stood and followed her up the pathway.
I reached for her and grabbed her arm. She stopped and turned to me.
“Annie? Wait. Please tell me about her. I haven’t seen her in nearly twenty years. She left my dad and me and I don’t even know if she’s alive. I’m having a rough time right now and this was the first place I thought to come.”
“I know she left you. I’m the reason she left.” Annie said as we walked to her cottage.
Chapter 10
I was shocked. Tears stung the back of my throat. I was a tangled mess of emotion. She was the reason my mom left. What did she mean? Was my mom there?
I trudged behind her up the grassy hill away from the beach carrying my sandals. Annie had the biggest cottage in the Seaside. Her cottage was white with chipped blue paint, a white fence around the perimeter, and a garden in the side yard. I was beginning to remember and the memories were flooding my head. I would sit outside and play with my Barbie’s or pick vegetables while my mom and Annie made lemon cakes and listened to Joni Mitchell.
I followed her through the back door. The screen door banged behind me when I walked in, causing me to flinch. The black wood floors were scuffed and faded in spots from years of wear. The white cottage type furniture in the front living room was distressed looking on purpose. There was a cuckoo clock on the wall I remembered would go off every hour. The place was impeccably clean and looked the same as when I was a little girl. How did I forget all of this for so long?
Annie lit another cigarette and an incense on the dining room table. The incense smelled like cinnamon, my mom’s favorite scent.
“Come into the kitchen and we can have some coffee I brewed. I’m sure you have a few questions for me?” My eyes scanned the house as I followed behind her. She had been the first person that let me try coffee. I would wake up early with Annie and she would give me a tiny bit in a small cup with more cream than coffee. I would sit with her on the back porch listening to the ocean as my mom slept. How could I push these memories out of my mind?
“Coffee would be great. Do you still make the lemon cake?” More was coming back to me. I smelled the lemon in the air as soon as I walked in.
“As a matter of fact, I do. The guests love them and the regulars ask for them. I made a bunch. I just took some out of the oven.”
We walked through the small living room where I would sit and watch cartoons. The same couch was there, gray with pink stripes worn on the cushions. The only change were the pictures of my mom everywhere. On the walls, on the shelves, mantel, and bookcases were snapshots in ornate frames of my mom and Annie, together like a couple in love. One, in particular, showed my mom was smiling and laughing and her hair blowing in the breeze arm and arm with Annie.
Suddenly everything was all coming back to me even stronger. The only time my mom was truly happy was at the Seaside Cottages. The two of them would hug, laugh, and sing. Walking hand in hand on the beach at night, cooking, and dancing in the kitchen, all started to make sense. I stood in the doorway letting the memories play out like a movie.
“Sit down.” Annie gestured to a chair with a cigarette in her fingers.
“What brings you back here, Gabriella?”
“Well, I was in Ohio visiting my dad. I was upset over things in my life, and the first place I thought of was the one place that made my mom happy. I don’t know, my car automatically came here. I haven’t seen her since she left when I was eight. Have you seen her? Does she still live here?” Tears pooled in my eyes and I wiped them away as they slowly trickled down my cheek. Annie stood and grabbed me a tissue. I wiped my eyes and tried to get myself together.
Annie didn’t say anything. She sat across from me and smoked her cigarette. The silence was deafening as both of us sat in the tiny kitchen lost in our own pain.
“She doesn’t live here anymore.”
I gasped.
“Where? Where is she?” I frantically asked.
“She lived here, with me for a while,” Annie muttered avoiding looking at me.
“Tell me where is she now?” My heart jumped in my chest. I looked around the kitchen for any sign of my mom.
“She left me ten years ago.” Annie looked at me this time. Her eyes showed so much hurt and regret. The lines around her eyes told a different story, one of a happier Annie laughing and enjoying life at one time.
“What?”
Annie hesitated and took another drag on her cigarette.
“We were a couple, Gabriella. She left your dad because she was in love with me. Running away was the only way she knew how to escape. She didn’t want to hurt him or you and believe me, I know what she did wasn’t right, but she was embarrassed. Twenty years ago, this lifestyle wasn’t accepted like it is now.”
I sat there and was in shock. All the years I missed her and wondered where she was and she had been living right there. My dad came here to find her and he said she wasn’t here. Did he know?
“What are you talking about, Annie? My dad said he came to the cottages and she wasn’t here.”
“She was. I remember when he came. I told him she wasn’t here. It was a horrible thing for me to do, but she begged me. I didn’t want her to leave me. I don’t know if you remember the first time you two stayed here. She was very depressed and said she drove for eight hours from Ohio, and her car brought her here. She stayed for a week, and we fell in love. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was in a long-term relationship with a woman that was pretty rocky, to say the least. I loved her and planned on spending the rest of my life with her. Then your mom walked in here, and my heart stopped. My life changed when you two came here. I fell in love with her and she with me. She would come here a couple of times a year and bring you using the excuse she needed to get away. Each time she visited we became more in love. What we felt was something we couldn’t explain. When she was gone she was miserable and so was I. We would talk on the phone all the time, and our relationship became serious.”
I sat there and listened. My mom and Annie’s time together was all making sense to me now. My mom in the bathroom at home on the phone, laughing, crying, whispering. My dad and her yelling when she would hang up.
“The last time she came here she was alone. We had the most wonderful week of my entire life when she decided she wanted to spend her life with me. She was so upset, Gabby. I told her to bring you and she kept saying she didn’t want to take you from your dad.” Annie squeezed the spot on her nose between her eyes. She looked at me.
“She loved you but was embarrassed about loving a woman. I know how she behaved was not right, and believe me, I let her know. I was so smitten with her, I was willing to go along with anything to have her with me.”
“Why didn’t she tell me? I’m older now, I can handle pretty much anything.” I was crying again. The tears were cleansing my soul realizing I had cried more in t
he last couple of days than I had my whole life.
“Your mom thought you hated her and you would not forgive her for this.”
I stared at the face of the woman responsible for taking my mom from me. I wanted to hate her and feel sorry for her at the same time.
“Come on, Annie. I’m as opened minded as the next person. I’ve not been with a woman and that’s not my thing, but I’m not one to judge anyone for who they love, especially my mother.”
“She didn’t know that, Gabriella. She thought you would be so mad at her for abandoning you.
I wiped my eyes. “Why didn’t she try?”
“I don’t know. That’s something you’re going to have to ask her.”
“Ask her? How would you suggest I do that? She hasn’t contacted me since she walked out when I was eight years old. Oh wait, she contacted me once in the nineteen years she was gone. One time she wrote me a note to tell me she would keep in touch.” Annie sat silent, looking away from me.
“That letter was from me. I wrote that letter to you.” My head jerked to attention.
“What do you mean, you wrote it?” I was stunned. I had kept that letter in my nightstand and would read it every night for years.
“I felt horrible about what she did and I decided to write you a letter pretending to be her. I didn’t even think you would receive it. I wanted to ease my guilt and give you some peace.”
More lies and empty promises. What more could my heart endure? My mother didn’t even write that. I held on to the hope she would keep to her word and come back to check on me. I sat there stunned.
The small lime green kitchen became silent with the sound of the shore lapping behind us. The lemon cake was left uneaten on the china plates as the coffee in our cups became cold. I had so much to ask her. I had so much to say. Clearly, Annie was devastated, but so was I and my father when my mom left us. How would I tell my dad this? Should I tell him? Did he already know? He had to have known. My head was reeling with what ifs. Shit. I shouldn’t have come here, but while I was here I needed to find out as much as I could. I decided to stay a while and get some more information from this woman that knew more about my mom than I did.
Annie lit another cigarette and offered one to me. I shook my head no.
“Do you have any whiskey?”
She stood shaking her finger at me. “I do as a matter of fact. Whiskey was all your mom wanted. I have bottles of all different brands. I haven’t been able to throw them away.” Annie stood and left her cigarette burning in the ashtray.
“How do you want it?” she asked me as she opened a cupboard full of all types of whiskey. Annie turned around to glance at me.
“Let me guess, straight? That’s how she drank hers.”
“Yes, that’s how I like mine.” There was so much to ask and not enough time to get to everything. Annie handed me the whiskey in a glass, the bottle, and sat back across from me.
“Where is she now?” I asked, taking a huge gulp, my voice weak and shaky from crying.
“With a man. She left me for a man who promised her the moon. Your mom loved expensive things and money. I couldn’t give her material things. All I could give her was love, and it’s not enough for Danni. He was a good looking older man with tons of money and he wanted your mom. She agreed to go with him, and I haven’t seen her since. No phone call, no letter, nothing. She packed one day while I wasn’t home and left.” Sounded familiar.
“How do you know where she’s at?” I asked. I poured another small amount in the glass and drank down the amber liquid.
“The man she’s with stopped in here one weekend and told me she was fine. He said they were trying to make their relationship work, and he offered me money to not contact her. I didn’t want his money, but I had no intentions of contacting her. If she left me, she could stay away. I wasn’t going to beg her to come back to me.”
“Is she still with this guy?”
“As far as I know. I’m not sure. Knowing your mom, she could have left him. I haven’t tried to find out. I had to move on. I know all these pictures of her doesn’t resemble someone moving on, but I can’t put them away yet. I know she isn’t coming back to me but I like to have the memories of her around me. I won’t love anyone like I loved her.” Tears trailed down her tanned face and she wiped them away with the back of her hand.
My eyes diverted to the window. The sky was darkening outside with an impending storm on the horizon. I stood and walked around the bright little kitchen. The towels hung on the same rooster hook, there as always a candle burning on the stove, and the kitchen window had the same stained glass sun catcher hanging off the hook.
“I need to get some air.”
Annie smiled at me and lit another cigarette.
I went out through the back door leaving Annie to sit there in her sadness. Feeling sorry for her was difficult when she was why I didn’t have my mom. She should feel the hurt of missing her. I had missed her for nearly twenty years.
The beach was deserted and I sat in the sand. The wind was picking up and I watched the sky flash with the storm approaching. I thought about my mom and all the pain she caused leaving people behind. She must be heartless. Was I like her? Why did I keep pushing people away? I was using men like she used people. She became tired of someone and walked away. I was doing the same thing. I had to stop. I wouldn’t allow myself to be like her.
Why would a mother abandon her daughter? We were so close. I was with her all the time and I was worthy of eight years. Eight years was all she gave me. How could she turn off her love for someone that was part of her? I came out here with her and I knew Annie. I would’ve accepted her and the lifestyle she chose. I don’t buy the bullshit she didn’t want to take me from my father. She didn’t want me. She wanted to be free of me. Why else would she not contact me in nineteen years, if she cared? I wrapped my arms around myself to warm up. I became colder now, shivering from the inside.
A few minutes later Annie came out and sat silently next to me in the sand. “I’m sorry this happened to you,” I said without looking at her.
Annie shrugged her shoulders and took a long drag off her cigarette.
“And I’m sorry it happened to you. I’m sorry I lied to your father when he came here. I should have told him. You lost a mother. I’m lucky in a way, Gabriella. I found the love of my life. I had her for a little while, yet the time I had with her was unforgettable. I loved her like I’ve never loved anyone, nor will I ever love anyone like her.”
“So did my dad. Not only did she leave her daughter, but she left her husband. My dad drank for years after she walked out on us. My life was far from easy,” I said.
“What she did to both of you was wrong, I’ll admit that. I’m so sorry. If I could change what happened, I would. Though, I won’t admit loving her was wrong. That I can’t change. Yes, I should’ve been tougher with her. She had a roving eye and I was so afraid she would leave me. I told her she had to make contact with you both and she ignored me, that’s why I wrote the letter to you. That was the biggest issue we fought about.” I didn’t say anything and Annie continued.
“I have her address where she apparently lives, if you want to know, Gabriella.”
I shook my head no. “No, I don’t want her address, Annie. She had my address for close to twenty years and didn’t bother to contact me. Possibly someday, but not now.”
* * * * *
I settled into my cottage for the night. I was restless and out of sorts. I bawled, yelled, and paced the floor to make sense of my life. I was freezing and went to get an extra blanket out of the closet. Though the month was August and humid, I was so cold and couldn’t get warm. I couldn’t shut my mind off of the conversation I’d had with Annie. My mom’s sexuality never crossed my mind. Hell, I don’t care what anyone is. People are people and none of the same sex bullshit ever mattered to me. I would have loved her no matter what.
Like the news about Kris, I wondered if my dad knew about this? I
wanted to call him, but the cottage didn’t have phone service, so making calls would have to wait until I was back on the road. All these years and he thought she left because of him. All the years I thought I did something wrong. Why didn’t she tell us? I would have understood. You can't stop what your heart feels.
Maybe that’s what Kris felt. He may have truly loved Hilary, but he couldn’t tell me. He wanted her and didn’t want to hurt me. People do crazy things for love. That’s why I was going to avoid ever falling in love at all cost.
Sleep overtook me. The next day the sun streamed through the windows welcoming me to a new day. I had to get home and stop running. What happened with Kris was raw and hurtful and cut through me. I had to grab a hold of myself and not let the sadness take me to a dark place again. I had to stop wondering where my mom was or what happened to her. I had closure now, knowing why she left. My mom leaving wasn’t because of me or my dad, and I felt some relief over that. I walked to the cottage and said goodbye to Annie, promised to be by again, and took her cell number in case I wanted to talk to her. I told her I didn’t blame her for anything. My mom was an adult and she knew what she was doing.
Once I made my way home, the stillness of my house enveloped me as I walked in the front door. I was relieved to be back home. The Brownstone was my home now, and I was so at ease walking inside.
I stripped off my clothes, walked to my bathroom, and turned on the shower to super-hot. The hot water relaxed me, and I let go of the past few days. I closed my eyes and let the warmth and scent of my soap ease me back to my life. I went over what happened at the cemetery and replayed the scene in my mind. I could see Hilary crying and the kid running around like a maniac. In a way, I was relieved I hadn’t married Kris and stayed in Ohio. I loved my life I made for myself in New York City, and if I had married Kris, it might have been me standing there as a single mother.
I dried off, threw on my t-shirt and boxers, and headed to my bed. I needed to sleep. I fell into a restless sleep after talking to my dad for a short time and thinking about my mom and Annie. I tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. The last two days wouldn’t shut off in my head. I considered using my vibrator to help me relax. A good release was what I needed. Around two in the morning my Facetime rang. I answered my phone thinking the call was Harper at such a late hour. I didn’t notice the number before answering.
