Hidden Carmina

by Adri Sinclair

  I sink into the bath until the water reaches my nose. I like how my hair is floating in long red streaks around me.

  “Carmina…” Lilly looks towards the door worriedly. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  I raise my eyebrows and nod, lifting my head not to inhale the water so close to my nose.

  “Well, it is Jarrod….”

  I sit up, slip, slide under then splutter as I struggle up again, water leaping at the floor in a mass exodus.

  “What about Jarrod?”

  “Well-” She bites her lip, keeping a safe and dry distance from the spilling water. “-he is genuinely sorry for what he said to you.”

  “It’s not what you want to tell me. I guessed he was sorry already.” Through narrowed eyes I peer at her, moving my fingers in a beckoning motion. “Out with it.”

  “Please don’t get upset. I know you have a difficult time ahead of you, but I would much rather you hear from me….”

  “What? Lilly, speak up or so help me…” I start.

  The tranquility of my soak in its entirety disrupted, I wash myself forcefully. My wrist feels strange and cumbersomely stiff.

  “Carmina, Jarrod asked me to marry him. I said yes.” She blurts out fast, and then it looks like Lilly wants to do a mind melt with the bathroom door.

  “Hmf, really now?” I hide my joy for my little sister. This is payback for all the times she made me sweat over small things, like the time she borrowed my hairband and said Momma was angry because I couldn’t find it. I stressed out for hours over it!

  “Yes, I’m sorry. He thought you were gone forever and said life is too short to make two big mistakes in one life-time and it would be a mistake not to tell me how he felt about me and it was great because I have felt about him the same way for a long time but I don’t wish you to be upset and Momma said…” I wash my hair in silence. Dunking my head under the water to rinse the soap away, I hide the grin busting to break out. Getting up, Lilly is still talking.

  “…so I thought maybe you wouldn’t be too upset because he does love you but he loves me differently and...” I gawk at my sister, wondering if she will ever take a breath.

  “Lilly!” I yell at her. “You’re rambling.”

  The tense silence following is rather unbearable to Lilly, who’s wringing her fingers together. I cannot speak because the sheer happiness bubbling like the foamy soap will betray me. I get out, dry off and slip into the light sundress my sister picked out for me. She’s absolutely fantastic. Lilly and Momma always anticipate my needs and know better what I want before I do. The dress is perfect and brilliant with soft sunflower splatters all over it. I tie my hair high, indicating to my sister I mean business.

  I stick my finger against her nose, tap it and growl as I walk out the door.

  “Jarrod! Where are you, you snake!”

  I hear Lilly’s gasp and I hold my index finger upright to my mouth, aiming to stop her from talking again. Failing.

  “He… loves me Carmina, and I love him!” she desperately throws the words at me. From the top of the stairs it is not hard to find Jarrod amongst the collection of the men in the courtyard. It is getting close to breakfast time and it is Jarrod’s duty to move the tables in place. My eyes find him staring at the stairs, his mouth wide open and his face a grayish shade of worried. The rest of the men take a step to the side clearing my path towards my brother.

  “You spiteful, selfish, horrible little man!” I howl at him. “How dare you. Thought I was dead? Well I am not!” I warily walk down the stairs, concentrating incredibly hard on sounding angry and not falling down. At the bottom of the stairs is a pile of wood logs. I pick up a log on my way past, marching towards Jarrod.

  “Carmina… Calm down, please, what is the matter with you?” His eyes leave me and find Lilly right behind me.

  I hear him and several other men breathe the words: “She knows.”

  Jarrod tries to retreat but finds his back right up against the wall. I hear Momma’s intense call behind me but I have a plan. Payback is a bitch.

  I lift the log with all my might and feel profoundly satisfied watching it land hard in Jarrod’s stomach. I don’t think anyone thought I would indeed hit him. The men all burst out laughing and I glimpse the picture of Momma’s pandemonium flying towards us. I don’t even see her feet touch the ground! Jarrod folds over double and I grab him into a hug. I know he can take it. I can’t possibly hit as hard as his rough housing buddies and they hit each other with things bigger and heavier than logs.

  “I love you, you dope!” Confusion and lack of air stuns him.

  “Jarrod, you should have done this sooner you beast; I’d have helped you!” I shriek at him in laughter, Lilly and Momma catching up to us. Jarrod finds his failing breath, jumps up and grabs me into a spin, taking Momma and Lilly with us into a freefalling spill. My brother is as big as a bear, his dark-blue eyes like an electric current looking for a discharge. If the roguish mythical creature Puck ever had a rival, it would be in my brother Jarrod.

  “I see.” Momma composes herself and straightens up her dress, hair and apron. She glares down on her three children who are still slopped into a human stack at her feet. Walking away and shaking out her burnished raven-black hair she throws an approving nod at me over her shoulder. “You’ve made your point remarkably well, Carmina.”

  Momma never condones violence amongst the family, in particular the siblings. Perhaps this time it is overlooked because of my “return from the dead” stint, or maybe because I was justified- sort of. I gawk after her until my attention is pulled back to the immediate squeak from my sister.

  “So… you’re not angry?” Lilly sheepishly verifies while two green crystals holds me captive.

  “I am, but not for the reasons you may think. What on earth gave you the idea that I may be angry in the first place?”

  “Uh… you and Jarrod share a truly special bond and we kept this secret and so… everyone expected it would be the two of you – you know?”

  I laugh until tears roll down my face. Occasionally I question the stability of the world I live in. Most times I have to question my family’s thought process.

  “Lilly! We do share a particular sort of bond. We’ve also shared teething rings even if he was a little old for it; we shared mischief, infuriating swimming lessons and a lot more. You are my sister, he is my brother. We’re not family by birth but to me, you are no more and no less than my cherished family-unit. How could I not be happy for you both?”

  “Then why are you angry?”

  “Because you kept this from me. Because I missed it when it became public. Because… you denied me the pleasure of celebrating your relationship with you.”

  “Oh…” The precious relief on Lilly’s face threatening to punch a wall in the water gates, so I turn on Jarrod.

  “And you? You Mister! Hiding such a sweet thing from me! How could you be so cruel? Did you go on one knee? Did you? You better have!” I threaten, grabbing a fist full of his shoulder length chocolate-brown hair.

  “I did! I did!” he crows struggling against the fingers looped through his hair. “Jeesh Carmina, what happened to you out there, you’re so vicious? I like it.”

  The gong’s brassy sound announcing breakfast shivers through the courtyard and we untangle ourselves from one another. We have exactly fifteen minutes to assemble and take up our seats before breakfast gets underway.

  “Oh about time, I’m starving!”

  Meeting the “Ancients”

  In summer, our meals are served outside. This requires an early start and effort on our side. Momma ordered table-sets custom-built to accommodate our clan’s needs. They are wide to carry the prepared dishes down the middle. Seating ten at a time, we still get to face one another and enjoy our breakfast in a social environment. Several of these sturdy, dark oak tables are used. The men usually takes care of the tables as they are particularly heavy. For the remainder of the year, we use the dinner hall, w
here the tables are stored after meals during summer. The sun rises early and sets late in summer allowing us to make full use of the natural green tree-canopy which incidentally also serves as a platform for the local bird orchestra. To avoid any accidents from our nervous performers, we attach several clear, ground sheets to the totem-like beams Momma installed alongside each tree.

  Mealtimes are my favorite on any day. Not because I have a healthy appetite for my pint size body, but because of the generosity of our clan’s people. Every meal is a voluntary routine executed by the families. Nobody is forced, nor asked to step up or cook, or lay the tables – except Jarrod, Lilly and I. Nobody is left out either, or turned away. We eat together, plan together and generally spend about two hours at a time being a family. Nothing and nobody else matters during this period. Worries and problems are solved together, children are encouraged and supported together (In our clan, Momma takes the village-raising-a-child-thing very seriously!) Eating with my family and our clan house is something we do together.

  I have never seen an official gathering of Elders and my personal opinion simmers around it being terrible, judging by the nervous energy playing hide and seek on the member’s faces. Of course, I have met all the Elders, as one does during back and forth visits; never in any kind of official capacity. Frankly, I’m in the dark as to what the whole effort entails.

  I inquisitively I keep a look out for the Ancients’ arrival above all. I have never met them but I am told they will be here for breakfast. Curiosity peaks my interest, as the words ‘Ancients ‘conjures up Gandhi-like men and woman with wrinkled faces and walking sticks. Why else would they be called by such a dusty-sounding name? I don’t grasp why the land-lords would be worrying about the estates now. It truly is beyond me and how come I’ve never even heard of them until this morning either? Fleetingly my mind drifts to the Indiana Jones movie but I put that delicious distraction firmly away. The last thing I need is to be preoccupied and cause a scandal.

  The flock assemble and we wait on Momma to join before we start eating. From the house I notice a stir and we all turn to regard the four impressive figures clad in purple and red approaching us, Momma counted amongst them. I amuse myself by thinking of the Harry Potter movie wondering which house the Elders would be from. Once more, shaking my head, I banish my unruly imagination. More astonishing than the outfits are the fact that three of the Elders are accompanied by extraordinary large creatures.

  “Animals at the table?” I question in a whisper and was poked hard in the ribs by Lilly. “Manners!” I feel my heart sprint as they approach, for no apparent reason.

  A sense of doom overshadows my happy thoughts unexpectedly by lurking in corners.

  A sharp pain in my head starts pounding against my temples but before I can analyze my change of temperament, the Elders are upon us. We wait for them to be seated before we sit down as one. This was easy for me to follow as we never sit down before Momma, and she was the last of the joining company to be seated. Maybe this ‘official’ stuff won’t be too hard.

  My eyes blur beneath the strain of the hammering workmen pounding against my skull which does not stop me staring at the Elders and their companions. Momma, sitting at the head of our table, is joined to her right by her brother Darious; between them is a colossal Wolf with a snowy white pelt and piercing pale-gray eyes. Next to Uncle Darious is Aunty Joshlyn with a Lynx the size of a house with hunter-green eyes. It was almost twice the size of the few lynxes we’ve spotted on the far side of the valleys. Next to Aunty Joshlyn is Uncle Edward and an enormous Bearded Vulture, sand-brown with; pale-white eyes rimmed with a crimson red. They all appear to be fixated on me, while I am wondering if we have to wait for these ambiguous “Ancients” before we can eat.

  I swallow hard and glare at the plate in front of me. I desperately hope they’re not going to delay breakfast. The food appeals far more than landlords and official meetings!

  Momma’s hair is still loose, thus a margin of informality is at the order of the day. The gang is seated and Momma breaks the silence.

  “What are you all waiting for? Eat! I’ll be damned if a few formalities spoils the food on my table!”

  The pounding in my head grows louder. I thought I heard the camping trio speak, but even their words were faint and muddled. I shake my head trying to clear it.

  “Margarith, it is always an honor to sit at your table,” Aunty Joshlyn declares with a heartfelt smile playing peek-a-boo. Uncle Edward squeezes his wife’s hand and his beam is a complete reflection of hers. It is Darious, in particular, who is distant and deep in thought.

  “Honor to our Ancients too,” Mother says as she lifts a mug in salute. Around the table, the gesture spreads like a Mexican wave and I spill my milk trying to follow this new ritual. “blah blah blah..Ancients.” I mumble and gulp down the milk hoping it will help against the headache threatening to leak my tiny brain across the table.

  Honor them? I can’t help but think inside the painful fog. They didn’t even bother to show up!

  Momma’s prepared rabbit liver amongst various other foods today and I watch with a sulk as it vanishes being offered to the animals first. My mother smiles gingerly in my direction and joshes: “Don’t worry my child, you will get yours too, don’t look so morose!”

  The crowd sniggers sympathetically while the three animals seem… interested. Then the most bizarre thing happens: Momma explains to the three beasts why I enjoy raw livers! I pinch my thumb and forefinger onto the bridge of my nose snipping in my mind about not knowing it was show and tell at breakfast day. I don’t pay attention to what exactly she’s saying to them, I am dead hungry and the livers are fresh. I don’t even bother plating it and grabbing the whole serving dish along with the nearest fork I shovel the squishy, creamy mash into my mouth.

  “Carmina suffers from a severe anemic condition. Pernicious anemia is a disease caused by B12 deficiency. Nobody knew what was wrong with her and I remembered an old home remedy where the recipe calls for raw liver as a substitute for blood related problems.” Momma glances at me and shakes her head in exaggerated vexation.

  “When she was diagnosed by an … informed doctor, we managed to get her the right medication. Of course this turned out to be a waste of time and money if you ask me! As you can see, she’s a little greedy over the livers – in particular rabbit – and I have not managed to wean her from it. “

  The lot of them titter at the tale and Momma continues with a little more humor too. “Of course, I had to hide other food in her liver just to get her eating like a normal person again!”

  I don’t worry about them laughing at me and truthfully I don’t care if there’s not enough left over for the pets on the other side of the table. I eat until the lumbering hunger in my belly subsides.

  Suddenly, the family seem so far away and I just catch murmurs of their fluent discussions flowing outside my grasp. I open my mouth to speak but the words I know were there become vague and then evaporate. I see Momma’s animated chatter, her hands moving and her smile lovingly sweet. I see Lilly leaning over to Jarrod and touching his hand, sharing a beautiful moment together. I see the gathered people all eating and talking. Togetherness- as is normal for our breakfast time. But why can I not hear anything?

  Something snaps much like the sound of a ruler distinctly shattering into three pieces while the sound echoes through an empty room.

  SNAP!

  SNAP!

  SNAP! And then all hell is breaks loose internally.

  There are voices, speeches everywhere, in languages I don’t know. Not my voices. Just… voices. They’re conversing together making it sound as if I’m standing in a big empty hall just before a major concert. I try to distinguish what they are saying but something’s covering my ears. Feeling for the deafening device with my fingertips I find nothing. I concentrate on opening my eyes wanting to see who they are, but it is too dark to see anyone! Alarm grabs a hold of my chest, the dress becoming too small. I pull it a
way from my skin hoping it will help with the fierce heat now rushing towards my face. There is screaming assaulting my ears from all known directions without warning. The terrifying darkness turns into red splashes against a white wall. Out of the blue images starts flashing through my head. Blood smeared leers, dead children in a pile burning, snapping sounds as bones breaks and more screaming, more talking, added laughing, growling, screeching. The dreadful images flood my mind while my lungs fill with icy air and reject my screams. My internal world is spinning out of control. I am going to fall and for once I think I don’t mind it.

  “Can she hear us?”

  “This is not possible!”

  “Get her out of here!”

  Three strong voices. Unfamiliar and commanding. They are not my voices! Who are they? I am lifted into a wingless hover above the noise and flooding images. The chaos seems to organize itself, drifting to avoid me while I am anchored in the center of it all. I vaguely sense a tension-ache in my wrist. Calm is being restored, an invisible bubble closes around me to isolate me from the nightmarish void. I feel my mind deliberately sinking back into my own body.