Spending time with my family reminded me that I am a lot safer with them. They are half human and eat human food. It just seems right that I live with them and not here, where I am a constant torture to Liam and the Moretti family. It is not natural. The thought is painful but it is also realistic. I cannot be with Liam. It is one thing for the Ancients to be with my family because they share something in common, too; it is another thing for me to be the constant source of pain to them. I cannot live with myself knowing this anymore. I can be a part of their family, but merely at a distance. They don’t deserve the pain and agony I bring them.
I sit down to write Liam a letter, explaining that he was right to close the link and give me time to think for myself. I told him that I will learn on my own and figure out what I can, and will stay in touch, at best if they contact me specifically.
I leave the letter on his desk and make my way out the door, being careful to move along to the river, walking in the shallow cold water, hoping it will be enough to blot out my scent. I turn to smell the air rushing up behind me, satisfied that there is very little left and it should be gone pretty soon with the gusts sweeping over the river. I edge back and find a small gap leading into the canyon that surrounds the volcano. I head up against the canyon, being careful not to cut or hurt myself. Eventually, I find a dry empty cave and wedge myself up against the far wall of it. I cannot smell any animal remnants. It should be safe, and nobody will hear me dream here - assuming I will sleep at all. When I hear a howl in the far off distance, I clutch at my chest, forcing myself to continue breathing. I recognize that sound, I know to whom it belongs. Three more in short succession and the guilt almost drives me back the way I came.
Back Home
The sun has hardly any time to rise when I set out to the courtyard. I have not slept at all for fear of being discovered. I am starving and thirsty. It is a direct line from here to get home and I don’t even try to hide myself. I stand outside listening carefully but don’t hear, see or smell a Moretti. When I open the gate, it is Jarrod who meets me there again; no surprise as I’ve already heard his heartbeat for several seconds.
“Carmina… you’re early.”
“Yeah, uhm, Jarrod?”
“You look like crap. Come.” He motions me after him towards he and Lilly’s house.
Lilly lifts her head in surprise and rushes over.“You’re still in yesterday’s clothing and you look like hell! What—”
“I … want to stay here, with family.” Too tired to endure a long game of cat and mouse, I continue, “I have left Liam… the Morettis. I will sleep elsewhere – don’t interrupt me either of you – I will sleep elsewhere until I can get a soundproof home set up for me. I don’t want to discuss it any further.” I feel my lip trembling and plea with them, “Please don’t make me.”
Lilly embraces me. Jarrod grunts under his breath, “I am going to—”
“Build our sister a house. That is what you are going to do.” She finishes his sentence. I knew I could count on her.
“There’s food in the fridge, you’re not the only one with a beastly appetite,” she teases and pokes at Jarrod who, in turn, grabs her finger and kisses it. I roll my eyes, trying to hide the pain at seeing them together like this. It is going to be harder than I thought.
I ask to have a bath and use the plain unscented soap from the shower instead of the luxurious scented foam-soap Lilly uses. I know this must be Jarrod’s as he does not wear anything with a smell, being one of the hunting providers for the clan. The scents are too much of a give-away - or so he says.
I try to fix my hair but it refuses to take on any other state than anarchy. Lilly has already brought an outfit from my own collection and I know Momma has been updated on events. I don’t take up on the offer of raiding the fridge even though I feel nauseated with hunger.
When I hear the gong for breakfast, I had to work very hard not to blur my way to the table. I settle for a semi-fast jog. Momma gives me a hug and I allow myself the calm sense of understanding she is emanating. I still refuse to read minds, but this I cannot shut down. I feel the energy around me whether I want to or not. It is systematically enhanced into a personal experience when I am linked with the Moretti family. Even thinking their names hurts, so I make a conscious effort to divert my attention.
There has always been a silent acceptance among our clan. Because of Momma’s nature and rule about not turning anyone away, we are used to having strangers and often returning family at the table. When break-ups and make-ups happen, we don’t interfere unless specifically asked to do so. I am grateful for this custom today. Breakfast continues like any other day and I manage to eat enough to feel satisfied. Jarrod makes a few jabs about the amount of food I manage to pack away and mutters about fat girls who can’t hunt. I hear John’s approach long before I see him and excuse myself from the courtyard with “John’s coming”. I am not ready to face him or anyone of their kin.
I head to the furthest most secluded patch of open land. It has a direct view over the volcano. It is a quiet space, half surrounded by trees.
“Hidden Carmina.”
I laugh at my own joke but the smile vanishes when I hear the wailing howl drifting from far away. When Jarrod joins me, he is visibly in a temper and I decide not to push him.
“Is this the space? Could you have gotten any further away from us?” The sarcasm is not lost on me but I ignore it.
“Yes, this is the place, it is perfect.”
Jarrod stares at me for a while and then nods.
“Will do. Four days. Get some sleep; you still look like crap.”
“Only four?” I question and he smirks at me.
“Would have been two if you waited until summer.”
“I’m sorry, Jarrod…”
“No, I’m sorry. We should have thought about this sooner. John knows you’re here.”
“Of course he does. Where else would I go, Jarrod?” My lip is quivering again.
“Liam didn’t take the letter you left too well.”
I cover my ears and shake my head. I don’t want to hear it. I know he is better off without me and I know I am well of being here. Jarrod grabs my hands away from my ears and wraps his arms around me. He recognizes the signs of me being in distress over hurting someone I felt didn’t deserve it, even when, at times, it was in self-defense.
“Carmina… You love him that much, huh?”
I simply nod.
I wipe my tears fast and step away from Jarrod when I hear Momma approaching. Jarrod frowns, tilting his head and, seconds later, does seem to grasp why I moved away. I had enough time to find control and give Momma a bright smile.
“She found her spot. With your permission we’ll start right now?” Jarrod asks. Momma looks between the two of us and nods to Jarrod.
“Get it done as soon as you can. Gather all the men, we’ve got enough winter stock to last us. This takes priority. You, missy, come with me.”
Jarrod makes big eyes at me, having heard the unmistakable ‘you’re-in-trouble’ nature of Momma’s last command.
I follow my mother and have a sinking sensation that I am not going to like what I’m about to hear. I listen to the crunch of our footsteps and listen attentively to all the sounds around me, committing them to memory. It is an easy way to eliminate regular everyday noises from the more important things I may miss if I’m distracted. We reach Momma’s favorite thinking spot under a big evergreen tree. The pine smell pulls at my heartstrings and I make a mental note to ask Lilly for a mixture that includes pine.
“Carmina, what is going on? John looked a wreck this morning. What happened?”
“Nothing, Momma.” It is the honest truth. “I realized last night that I belong here; I am human, you are half human. My family is here. My life… is here.”
“And Liam? Does he not get a say?”
My temper flairs at the question, a defense mechanism, installed years ago, whenever I am confronted with difficult situations.
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“No, Momma. I am not vampire, I am not half vampire and I am not wolf. I am human. They don’t get to decide anything for me. In particular—” I feel the tremor in my own voice and clear my throat,
“In particular, they don’t get to say who I torture by existing and who not.”
“What do you mean, my child?”
“Momma, here, you eat food, you don’t need blood but you like it, it is your nature and I can live with that. You don’t constantly feel thirsty just because I’m around. You don’t feel pain or torture because I’m living here. Discomfort, yes. Annoyance? Absolutely. But Jarrod said it. You’re not like them. I... Momma, they suffer because of me, how can I allow that?” I ask, breaking down. My mother puts her arms around me and rocks me back and forth.
“No, my darling child, they suffer regardless.”
“I understand that Momma, but… When I am there, it is like giving a junkie a filled syringe and saying he can’t use it. He suffers without the syringe in his hand and will learn to control the need, but he suffers more when it is right there in his hand and recovering will take longer or never happen.”
“It is his choice though, Carmina. The syringe doesn’t get to walk away on its own, my girl.”
“Momma, I cannot want them to suffer life if I am not prepared to do it myself.”
“I see. Well, I will not turn them away, my girl. At some point, you will have to stop running away, too.”
“I don’t ask you to, Momma, they are your family too! I will stop running when the time is right. You always say things happen as they should.”
“I do. Don’t forget: I also say that your choices should make you happy.”
With that, my mother gets up and leaves me alone to process my thoughts.
I am exhausted and decide to head for the little cave on the side of the volcano. I listen and scan the area well before I enter. My sleep is constantly interrupted by shaking or screaming myself awake. The dreams are intense and realistic, showing Liam drinking blood from humans, trying to quench his thirst. I try to stop him but I see hatred in his eyes just before he pounces on me.
It is hunger and frustration that drives me back to the courtyard after dinnertime. I head directly for the communal kitchen and sit alone at the table, eating. After cleaning up, I head to the design room. This becomes my routine for the next week. I avoid contact as much as I can but carry my weight by filling my quota of designs until the sun comes up. I head for a shower in Lilly’s house and then run back to the volcano. I change the caves I sleep in every time, just in case.
***
Liam sits on the floor in the middle of the room. The letter from Carmina is shredded around him. He holds to his face the shirt of his she slept in. He can see and hear her everywhere in his den and it is pulling him apart but he does not want to make her go away either. On more than one occasion, John has come to sit with him here in silence and Liam can see his brother is aching too. How could she do this to his family? To him? His mother and father seem to be on her side, saying that she did what she felt was right; that she is her own person and will have to live with her own choices. His mother does not altogether fool him, though. He can feel her own sorrow at times. He wants to go fetch Carmina, like John suggested the first time he confessed his knowledge of her.
The worst part is that he cannot find her! He has tried just about everywhere to track her scent but she is specifically present here, and at her family home. The night she left, he lost her track half way up the river. He thought she’d go to her family home but waiting the whole night revealed nothing. He came back to the den in hopes that she changed her mind. She didn’t. Liam screams loudly. The feeling of nettles in his chest is back and it is unbearable. He knows he can link with her, but she asked for space and not to be called on unless it is needed. Surely this counts? Surely him needing her in his life is a reason to call upon her?
When John arrives at his brother’s den that night, as he’s done every night over the past week, he swallows hard and sits down.
“Her home will be finished tomorrow,” He tells his brother. “I tried tracking her but she’s too fast and too clever. But we finished the home. She will be safe, Liam.”
“She will dream, John.”
“Yes; about that: her house is insulated and sound proof. But… I did something for you brother. You cannot let mother know. She will kill me.”
“What have you done?”
“I—” John produces a small box and hands it to Liam, “I made you a key to her home. You have to promise, Liam.”
Liam has never felt the surge of adrenaline and happiness at something as small as this before. He reaches for his brother and grips him by the shoulders.
“Thank you, little bro! I promise, they won’t know I’m there!” For the first time since Carmina’s departure, Liam joins in the evening hunt with his family, after hiding the key away.
***
New Beginning
When the sun rises, I get up from the workbench with a groan. My wrist is on fire and I rub at it absently, listening to the stir outside. It is too early for breakfast. When I hear Jarrod, Lilly and Momma’s steps approaching the workshop like a march in arms, I decide to wait on them, leaning on one of the tables. The door opens and it is Lilly bouncing her head around first.
“We come in peace!” she giggles, waving a white ribbon at me. Folding my arms over my chest, I wait for the other two to enter as well. Jarrod is carrying a big basket and Momma waves me to follow them.
Not long and I figure out what is going on. My apartment is finished and it is gorgeous! Momma hands me a key and shaking, I open the door. The entrance hall opens up into a small, warm space with a fireplace and a bay seat in the window looking over at the volcano. The walls are covered in beautiful wooden slats carved with flower and leaf patterns. On the opposite wall is a big old oak bookcase and a few books on Myth and Mythology. On the bottom shelf is a small stereo and my favorite music already piled around it. There’s no furniture in this room other than a small, plush white rug and a big, black glove-like seat.
I shriek in delight when we head into the kitchen. It is small but already filled with everything I need, including a fridge occupied by a generous helping of snack-portioned foods. The walls are tiled in red marble and the counters in polished black and the glass windowed cabinets framed in a dark heavy wood. The small window allows for light to stream in liberally.
The bathroom is spacious with a warm color scheme of browns with deep red wood finishing. The shower is small but the tub is massive. The bathroom is complete with towels, nightgown, comfy slippers and several bath scents to choose from. I clap excitedly, knowing I will spend a lot of time right here.
When I open my bedroom it is entirely empty except for my wardrobes from Momma’s house. The room is left in white washed walls. I look at the three confused.
“It is your private space. We thought you should do this one yourself. We’ve left a laptop on the kitchen table with your debit card. You can order what you want when you’re ready. I can’t believe we’ve not done this sooner.” Momma pats my arm.
Money has never been a problem within our clan. Momma makes sure that the family is provided for and has several investments in each of our names. The money spent on the building and decoration comes from our own saving policies. Of course Momma keeps a close eye on the accounts and does not tolerate frivolous spending.
“Do you like it?” Lilly asks. I nod vigorously at my sister.
“It is so beautiful! I can never thank you enough!”
“You’ll find a way,” Jarrod grins at me and holds up the picnic basket. “Starting with breakfast. It is an ungodly hour and, if I have to be awake, then you have to share your food.”
I sit down with my family, excited and relieved to have my own home. My home.
When they leave, I walk through the house again and marvel at the workmanship of our clan. I can see each of them in every bit of work here. I take
the laptop, warm honey tea and a plate full of cold meats to the bay window. When I arrange myself comfortably, I notice the small but precise carving in the wooden frame. My fingers trace over the intricate design of a wolf’s face with the letter “M” under its chin. Jarrod told me John was helping with the build and I don’t have to guess whose handy work this is. It is exquisite and the tears well up again. I can’t break down at every corner, I tell myself. With determination, I turn my attention to the laptop and order same-day-delivery from the priority companies we use.
The rest of the day is spent eating, drinking and decorating my room at leisure. When the dinner gong sounds, I am too tired to join the family. Knowing they will understand, I turn all the lights out and put one candle in every window of my new house. There is no real reason behind that other than I’ve always thought of having candlelight instead of electricity. I light a big fire and make for the bathroom to soak in a combination of pine and sandalwood until I can feel sleep sneaking up on me. I dread having to go to sleep but I am shattered. I opt for a comfortable oversized t-shirt and socks to sleep in and fall down on the bed. It is not long before sleep overwhelms me and the nightmares take flight in full force.
Hidden Carmina Page 16
