Proof, if she’d needed it, that she was doing exactly the right thing.
“You know I care for you, Angie.”
“I know. But you love Billie, which is exactly as it should be. She was incredibly lovable. Hell, if I’d been a man I would have given you a run for your money.” Somehow, she forced a light little laugh out her mouth. “I’m just drawing a line before things get muddy, that’s all.”
If only that were true. If only she’d been smart enough to be that on top of her own feelings.
“I guess that’s probably wise.” He was frowning again and he shoved his hands into his trouser pockets.
“Yeah. I think it is,” she said softly.
She stood and closed the distance between them. She set her hands on his shoulders, letting her fingers press into the warm, solid strength of him one last time. She closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to his lips, lingering longer than was wise, unable to stop herself from savoring one last moment of intimacy. He kissed her back, but when his hands came up to frame her hips she opened her eyes and stepped backward.
“I had a lot of fun,” she said. “I’ll never forget it.”
The words almost choked her, but she said them. She even sounded convincing, miracle of miracles. Michael seemed convinced, anyway, because his face was suddenly shuttered.
“Yeah. Me, too.”
She moved back to her chair, willing him to leave now that she’d set him free. As though he’d picked up on her silent signal, he glanced at his watch.
“I need to get the kids off.”
“I know. I’ll see you later.”
She managed to stop her chin from wobbling until he’d disappeared through the door. Once he was gone, she set her jaw and took a deep breath, blinking rapidly.
No tears. If he comes back and sees you crying… No tears.
Despite her stern self-talk, her eyes flooded. She made a disgusted noise and shot to her feet, crossing to her table and chairs. She snatched up her notepad and pen and sat and started composing a list of things she needed to do.
First up, she had to find a new studio, because she could not function if she had to come here every day and keep seeing Michael and the kids. She loved them all like crazy, but no way was she that big a masochist. Sitting on the outside looking in at something she wanted so badly would be pure torture.
So, a new studio. Which meant she needed to find a solution to Michael’s child-care problem. She knew him well enough to know that if she moved workshops he wouldn’t allow her to continue picking Eva up from school.
She would ask around her friends who had kids, see if they could recommend anyone. Even though it would kill her to reduce her contact with Charlie and Eva.
Although who knew how Eva was feeling toward her now that she’d caught Angie “sexing” with her father. She added a new note to her list: talk to Eva. Because she needed things to be okay with her goddaughter.
She was all out of things to do—except for the big one, of course.
Get over Michael. She laughed as her pen formed the words, the sound more of a hiccup than anything else.
She wasn’t stupid, despite all signs to the contrary. It was going to take her a long time to stop loving Michael. There wasn’t a corner of her world he hadn’t touched. Stepping back from him was going to leave a big hole in her life.
She breathed through her nose. She needed to get through this as efficiently as possible. Just get it done.
She used the back of her hand to wipe away the few tears that had made it down her cheek. Then she pulled out her phone and started ringing real estate agents.
* * *
MICHAEL HAD TO WORK hard to keep his mind on the road and on his daughter’s chatter as he drove her to school. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened with Angie.
She’d ended things with him. What had she called it? Drawing a line before things got muddy.
“Daddy, stop. You drove past the school.”
Michael braked and signaled to pull over. “Sorry, sweetheart.”
“It’s okay. I can walk from here.”
She leaned across for his kiss and he bussed her cheek and gave her a one-armed hug.
“Have a good day, okay?”
“I will.” Eva slid out of the car and shut the door. She turned to go, then just as quickly turned back and rapped on the window.
He hit the button to lower it. “What’s up?”
“You know what we talked about this morning? About you and Auntie Angie?”
“Sure. What about it?” He braced himself for another difficult question.
“I wouldn’t mind if it was her.”
“Wouldn’t mind what?”
“If she was my new mummy. Not that I would call her that, because Mummy is Mummy.”
He looked into his daughter’s earnest brown eyes and swallowed. “Yeah, I know.”
“Auntie Angie is ace.”
“Yeah. She’s pretty cool.”
“Okay. You think about it and get back to me,” she said, stepping back from the car.
He couldn’t help smiling at her take-charge attitude, but the smile quickly faded as he watched Eva disappear through the school gate and he pulled back out into traffic.
He’d done his best to explain what Eva had seen between him and Angie this morning, but he couldn’t explain to her that Auntie Angie replacing Billie had never been on the agenda. He was nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment again. Not even close.
Which was why Angie had ended things between them this morning, because she didn’t want to start believing in something that was never going to happen.
He remembered the way she’d said it, the way she’d laughed and told him that she knew he still loved Billie, that she understood. She’d always understood, right from the start. In the early days, she’d been the only one who knew how he felt, how empty life felt. She’d been the one to help him hold it together enough to look after the kids, and she’d been the one to kick him up the pants when he needed it. When he’d found himself viewing her as a woman and not a friend, she’d handled that, too, matching his honesty with her own.
She’d saved his ass. She’d kept him sane. She’d made love to him with abandon.
And now it was over.
She’s still your friend. She’s not going anywhere. You’ll see her every day, she’ll still stay for dinner and hang with you and the kids.
He knew it was true, but he also knew it was going to be next to impossible to stop viewing her as his lover and start seeing her as just a friend again. How was he supposed to look at her and not remember how she looked beneath him, her blue eyes cloudy with passion? How was he supposed to smell her perfume and not think of the soft, silky spot just beneath her ear? How was he supposed to hear her voice and not remember the things she said when he was inside her?
It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t just forget those things about her. They were etched in his mind, indelible. Better yet, he didn’t want to.
And there’s the crux of it, you selfish bastard. You want more, but you’ve got nothing to offer, and she knows it. And yet you still want it anyway.
It was a sobering realization, and it took all the heat out of his reaction. What right did he have to ask or expect or want anything from Angie when he had so little to give her in return? Hell, he’d only been generous enough to allow her access to his bed this weekend, for Pete’s sake.
Yeah, he was a real catch. Positively irresistible.
He had a sour taste in his mouth by the time he arrived at work. He’d been so busy contemplating his own navel and wallowing in his own misery for the past twelve months that he’d turned being self-focused into an art form.
He made a promise to himself as he collected his briefcase and su
it jacket from the rear seat. No matter what happened, he would honor Angie’s decision. He would do everything he could to ensure that their relationship went smoothly back to the way it was before. It was the least he owed her. The absolute least.
* * *
ANGIE WAITED AT THE school gate for Eva at three that afternoon, one hand nervously jiggling her keys. She’d had a big day, talking to no less than six real estate agents and even dashing into the city to look at a couple of potential studios. Neither were suitable, but she was confident something would come up.
It had to, because she couldn’t go on living in Michael’s pocket.
She spotted Eva’s blond head amongst the mob of children heading for the gate and lifted her hand to catch her attention. Eva smiled her usual sunny, open smile and quickened her pace.
The thought of the conversation that lay ahead of her made Angie feel sticky with nervous sweat, but it had to happen. After all, she was the grown-up in this situation, and she was also the closest thing Eva had to a female role model. She needed to get this right.
“Hey, Auntie Angie,” Eva said. She slid her arm around Angie’s waist and gave her a hug, business as usual.
Maybe this wasn’t going to be as awkward as she imagined.
“Hey, sweetie. How was school?” she asked as they walked back to her car.
“Okay. Same old, same old.”
Angie smiled, wondering where she’d picked up the new saying. “School can be like that sometimes.”
They had reached her SUV and she opened the door for Eva before walking around to the driver’s side. She slid into the seat and put the keys in the engine, but she didn’t start the car. She’d planned to wait until they were home before they talked, but suddenly she just wanted it done.
Bracing herself, she turned to face her goddaughter.
“Eva, I wanted to talk about this morning. If that’s okay with you.”
Eva shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”
“Okay. First I wanted to check that you didn’t have any questions. Anything you wanted to ask me or anything…?”
Eva’s brow wrinkled as she thought for a minute. Then she shook her head, ponytail swinging. “Nope. Don’t think so.”
“Okay.” Angie paused, not sure where to go next. Eva seemed completely relaxed about what she’d seen. Which was good. She hoped.
“Actually, I do have a question. Do you like my daddy?”
“Of course I do.”
“Do you like like him or really like him?”
Dear God. How to answer that?
“I think he’s really, really nice. And I like him a lot.”
“That’s good. Because I told him this morning that I wouldn’t mind if you were my new mummy. Not that I would call you Mummy, because you’re my auntie. Sort of. And Mummy was Mummy. But you know what I mean.”
Angie blinked, utterly blindsided. For long seconds she didn’t know what to say. Then she realized Eva was watching her, waiting for her response.
“I do know what you mean. And I love being your auntie. It’s one of my most favorite things in all the world.”
She couldn’t say any more. She was too busy trying not to cry.
“Don’t be sad, Auntie Angie,” Eva said, her face creased with concern.
“I’m not, sweetie. I’m really touched that you feel that way. I love you very much.”
She leaned across and kissed Eva, pressing her cheek against the little girl’s.
“So if Daddy asks, you wouldn’t mind?”
Angie released her and sat back. As touched as she was by Eva’s declaration and much as it made her heart ache, there was no way she could let this childish fantasy stand.
“Your daddy and I are just friends, sweetie. I don’t think you should get too excited about him asking me anything like that.”
“But he really likes you,” Eva said stubbornly.
“And I really like him. But sometimes that’s not enough.”
Eva thought about it for a few seconds. “Sometimes I don’t get adults.”
Angie couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah. Me, either.”
She drove home, and when Eva ran off to change, she slipped out to the studio and pretended to be busy tidying her workbench to hide the fact that she was crying.
She’d never allowed herself to dream of being Eva’s mother, just as she’d never allowed herself to dream of having a real relationship with Michael. Hearing those words from her goddaughter’s mouth had been bittersweet and beautiful and incredibly painful.
After a few minutes, she mopped up her face and went inside to spend time with Eva. If things went to plan, these after-school hours would be a thing of the past, which only made what time she had all the more precious.
* * *
MICHAEL’S NEW RESOLVE to respect Angie’s boundaries was tested after only two days. He came home from work on Wednesday to find dinner cooked and Angie helping Eva with her reading. Charlie wandered over to charm a hug out of Angie and Michael watched his son enjoy her embrace with envy in his heart.
Which went to show exactly how selfish he was.
“Let me guess—chicken casserole?” he said, trying to keep things light.
“Got it in one,” Angie said with the same small, slightly distant smile she’d been offering him for the past two days.
“Have I got time to change?”
“Sure.”
“Great.”
He yanked his tie off as he walked to his bedroom. He threw his jacket on the bed, then followed it with his shirt and trousers.
How long would it be like this between them? Polite and cautious and wary? He didn’t like it. He didn’t like being jealous of his children because they were the recipients of her easy affection, and he really didn’t like lying awake at night, his body on fire for hers.
He kicked off his shoes, pulled on his jeans and a T-shirt and returned to the kitchen. Eva was busy setting the table while Angie pulled the casserole from the oven.
“I had some good news today,” she said, glancing up briefly as she eased the dish onto the counter. “A real estate agent called with a lead on a studio space in Collingwood. I went and checked it out this afternoon and I think it’s going to work.”
Everything in him went still. “I didn’t realize you were looking for another studio space.”
“I never really stopped. At least, I still had some feelers out. And this place came up and it seems perfect….” She was busy with the casserole, very careful to avoid eye contact now.
“I thought you were pretty settled here.” He could hear the sulkiness in his own voice. The disappointment. He didn’t want her to move on. He liked coming home to her, even if it was an artificial construct.
“I know it’s going to mess up things with Eva, but I was talking to my friend Tess and she recommended a retired teacher who her sister used for a while. Apparently she’s really terrific, great with kids…. I don’t know what her availability is but I got her number for you.”
She looked at him then, and there was something in her eyes that made his gut clench. Something dark and painful and hurt. Then she blinked and it was gone and she was just Angie, endlessly kind and generous and helpful.
“Thanks,” he said. “I’ll give her a call.”
“I won’t do anything until you’ve got something sorted. I won’t leave you in the lurch.”
Won’t you?
He almost said it out loud. Only the knowledge of how self-serving it would be stopped him. She’d put her whole life on hold for him and the kids. He had no right to expect more from her.
He shot a look toward Eva, checking to see if she was listening. She’d drifted over to watch the television, apparently oblivious to the conversation that was taking place in the kit
chen.
“If this is because of us, I’m not going to put any pressure on you, Angie. I mean, if that’s why you’re leaving.”
“I know that. I need to be closer to my suppliers, that’s all. It’s been great being here, but there are things I need that I can’t get out here….”
It was the first he’d heard of it, but he wasn’t going to argue with her. He’d just told her he wasn’t going to pressure her, and he figured haranguing her about her decision came under that heading.
Eva provided the soundtrack to their dinner, chattering away about her day at school. Angie was silent, pushing her food around her plate. Michael chewed and swallowed, not tasting anything. He felt angry and baffled and shut out and he knew there was nothing he could do about it. They had agreed that their friendship was the important thing. Angie was doing what needed to be done to preserve it. He should be thanking her, not resenting her.
“I’ll do that,” he said when she started clearing the table.
She glanced at him and he slid the plates from her hands. “Thanks.”
“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” he said gruffly.
She shrugged off his thanks. “It’s no big deal. I have to eat, too.”
Except she’d hardly eaten a thing.
He dumped the dishes in the sink, watching as Angie collected her things.
“I’ve got some errands to run, so I probably won’t see you tomorrow morning, okay?” she said.
“Sure.”
She kissed the kids goodbye and waved to him from the doorway. Then she was gone.
Michael looked down at the mess in the sink. He wanted to go after her so badly it hurt.
Because he wasn’t confident he could control the impulse, he went out onto the deck instead, breathing in the cool twilight air. Cicadas sang, their song sharp on his ears, and he stared at the studio and tried to get used to the idea that soon it would be empty again.
God, he didn’t want her to go.
“Daddy, I think I did something bad today.”
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