by Ron Foster
Boudreaux thought that was funnier than hell before the dog licked his butt some more while LowBuck was rubbing his to the hoops and hollers of laughter from that wild Cajun before the dog run up and kissed his master on the nose and lips to which LowBuck was now no longer mad at the dog but laughing at Boudreaux trying to get the burn and the dog butt kiss out of his face.
From then on that poor hound
A. Didn’t like hotdogs or the sausages we made.
B. Drunk Boudreaux`s and Bubba`s in a playful mood because little land mines of hot mustard seem to mysteriously be sat upon by Coaltrain the coon dog if one or the other of them two was up to no good and wanting to prank the other.
The dogs solution and only defense to all these shenanigans was to kiss them both if it happened and if the instigator of such a malicious trick was forewarned he avoided getting licked by the dog`s slobber but the unsuspecting receiver of the prank got the hot dog butt kiss that usually caused the receiver to holler “BUTT KISS!” and then splutter or get slightly sick.
“Well, the dog did help try to get him out and the hound seemed awfully amused when a Boudreaux and a dab of castor oil woke Bubba up! You should have been there!” Goat said hardly able to contain himself his belly shaking with mirth.
“He got out of the side car,… Hollered BUTT KISS! And we ain`t seen him since cause, that dog had seen us trying to drag LowBuck’s number 16 size ass out of a number 10 size sidecar and was sort of helping by pulling on his pants leg. When we finally got him out with that castor oil and were draggin’ LowBuck across the yard with his pants half down towards a place to park him for a bit ,darn if that coon hound didn’t come up and lick LowBuck on the hiney!!! Never saw a man wake up so fast, but what made the day was as Boudreaux was laughing at him he got a kiss too! Well LowBuck was jumping’ up then falling down again ‘cause his pants were half down, Boudreaux was spitting, laughing and choking on his chewing tobacco watching the dog chase LowBuck thinking they were all playing some kind of a game and I barely managed to get out of the driveway without falling off my motorcycle laughing or letting one of them fools catch me before I escaped.” Goat said with tears of laughter streaming out his eyes at the humor of the spectacle of rears and too many beers that had just occurred
“Man you are killing me with that story! Quit!” David said about ready to fall off the bench laughing at every word of this short story.
“So. You don’t know if LowBuck managed to get his pants back on or if Boudreaux puked?’ David said adding to the levity of the occasion and rubbing his hung-over head both wishing to have seen it for himself, but glad he wasn’t there for the mental vision of it all.
“I kind of don’t know and don’t want to know , butt you got a point.” Goat said.
“You said Butt! “ David said adding to the childish humor.
“Man we got to get serious, “ David said before busting out laughing at Goats interpretation of Boudreaux’s face looking like he just sucked a lemon and the dog chasing a half dressed, half drunk Lowbuck prepper across the field.
“Hey David?” Goat said while David was trying to regain his composure.
“What man?” David said trying not to smile.
“You reckon that bar got any of them hotdog paper things?” he said deadpanning before cracking up David again that surely both barstools should be blessed with those specialized paper plates when next those two heathens surfaced.
Goat started losing it then by describing how we ought to place a paper plate on each barstool before they came in and we all could wear our sunglasses like we didn’t want to see what might or would happen next.
Survival Necessities
“What do you have there David?” Blake asked eying the odd contraption David had setup in his backyard over a Silver Fire Stove.
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“Are you practicing to be some kind of danged revenuer Blake? Be glad I expected you this morning or you might have got a load of buckshot. You need to holler or something before you come sneaking up on a body in his private backyard. I am just cleaning up some drinking water. This little ingenious device is a water distiller.” David said adjusting the door on his SilverFire rocket stove to a simmer.
Blake eyed what appeared to be two stainless steel stock pots with some kind of drain off hose in the middle leading into a mason jar with some suspicion.
“Now how long is it that I have I known you David? You can’t BS me boy, I know that’s got to be some kind of technologically advanced personal alcohol still but I ain`t never seen a setup like that one before.’ Blake said sniffing the air curiously that he couldn’t smell any liquor being run through it.
“You got me pegged wrong this time Blake. This is what is called a “Survival Still”. This is a non-electric water distiller that purifies water by boiling the water and collecting only the pure steam (a process called distillation). The result is that I can obtain consistently pure water from virtually any water source, without the use of filters. If you’re in an emergency, you can purify water from your swimming pool, a stream or even the ocean, for as long as is needed.” David advised before carrying on to explain the process.
“Now this thing is cool as hell, I can even purify saltwater with it. That’s only one of the reasons I bought this particular style of purifier. You see I was worried about heavy metals or possibly even nuclear particles polluting my water in a disaster situation. Reverse osmosis systems were cost prohibitive and I wanted a solution that didn’t require filter replacement or maintenance. The heart of this little unit is amazing in its simplicity but very technologically advanced.
The Survival Still…
• Permanently supplies high-purity, sterile drinking water.
• Extremely effective against all types of contaminants.
• Kills and removes bacteria, viruses and parasites.
• Is a permanent solution for purifying sea water.
• Does not need filters, maintenance, infrastructure or a supply chain.
• Distillation is recommended by FEMA and the Red Cross!
This is my number one sure fire reliable way of purifying water that never wears out. I didn’t panic when the ceramic filters started to wear out because I had planned on that contingency. Nothing makes you appreciate the vital importance of safe drinking water like an emergency.
I figured the only way to truly protect your family is to prepare BEFORE a disaster strikes, so I bought this. Took me awhile to put the money together for the purchase but as you see it was money well spent. I was thinking of long-term survival solutions then. My self preservation plans considered an occurrence of a disastrous event of the magnitude like we are now occurring as well as self sufficiency in general.
The SilverFire® Hunter is a wood burning camp stove utilizing gasification technology to create a highly efficient wood gas stove. This outdoor wood stove uses twigs, field scrub and other biomass to become a powerful wood gas stove.
Hunter maybe the most important emergency or disaster stove to own, since you cannot plan when a disaster may strike. Outdoor Rocket & TLUD stoves without chimneys are fun and convenient to use in warm weather, different scenario in a real disaster in poor weather. The option to cook inside is very important, and eliminate all household emissions to protect your family's health is critical. It may not be safe to go outdoors and the ability to cook indoors is important. The ability to cook indoors under shelter is a key advantage over stoves without chimneys. Most rocket stoves & TLUDs sold do not have chimneys and are designed for outdoor use only. Most TLUD designs are faster cooking and cleaner burning than rocket stoves. The portable cook stoves are insulated and are not designed for heating. David solved that matter by putting a big cast iron griddle on top of it that radiated out plenty of heat.
Of Bears And Other Scares
David walked down what was once Main Street past long rows of empty old brick shops with doors kicked i
n or windows busted out. It didn’t matter how many times he took this dismal route to the local watering hole that the hairs on the back of his neck didn’t stand up in anticipation that possibly some crazy starving soul might pop out of one of these decrepit edifices. Everyone these days carried a lot of angst despite being in a so called “Reconstruction City”. The people were still forever mentally locked down in survival mode and furtively looked for danger coming from any angle. All the survivors had learned that despite the huge reduction in human population and that 99% of the time the term “abandoned” meant mostly abandoned and that there was always the ever present threat or chance of encountering a “Howler”.
The word “Howler” in his community had become a connotation meaning any mad two legged or four legged beastie that had lost its mind and wailed its discontent or warning of attack to those still living hominids in this world.
Without vets and a national vaccine program, the disease Rabies had ebbed and waned over the years and affected man and animal alike. That particular threat and aspect of everyday living was bad enough, but mental illness and the truly criminally insane wandering the earth was another matter entirely.
Whoever came up with zombies at FEMA to encourage people to prepare for a hurricane never really realized that real life cannibalistic beings were being portrayed. Some people began hunting other people when the food got scarce.
Hell! LowBuck used to sell a T shirt before the crap hit the fan on his website Lowbuckprepper.com that said “Never mind the zombies, worry about the zombie bears!”
David had laughed at such a notion and was amused by the artwork on the T-shirt offered for sale, but he never had really considered the ramifications or truthful spookiness in its message.
He had actually had a confrontation with such a wild vicious creature many moons ago that still gave him Goosebumps to think about...
David had come back at dusk from visiting Boudreaux across the lake and had been a bit tipsy from partying as he exited his sailboat at the dock. He looked over at Janice’s house when he heard what he thought was a muffled roar and thought he saw LowBuck beating on her backdoor.
“Now what the hell has got him so riled? I best go see about this..” David thought as he tied off and secured his boats lines.
“It was not like that big bear of a man to carry on so and especially around the compound. Something sure has got that boy ticked though but I will be damned if I know what he is saying and caterwauling about. “David mused trying to focus his eyes on the big black shadow raising Cain at his close friend’s house.
“Sounded like “get the hell out of here” the entire book of cuss words and Grizzly Adam’s Bear Ben scolding another bear.
“LOWBUCK! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND LEAVE MY SWEETIE ALONE!” David called up to the house, unsure of his next move, but haste and alcohol was influencing his response.
“BARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH!” David heard as he saw LowBuck give the door a final hit and head his way.
“That don’t sound good, hope it wasn’t something I had done. I reckon I might need this boat paddle just in case I feel the need to distance myself from that big heathen!” David thought as he sought out a big piece of cedar pole to compensate for an enormous weight difference.
“NO! MAWWWR! Boat David!” he heard from two directions as what he thought was a Lowbuck went down to all fours and charged in his direction.
“That ain`t no LOWBUCK!, That is a friggin real bear!” David said to himself watching the space between him and death closing quickly with white foaming jaws.
“God help me its rabid” David thought running back down the dock and getting ready to be a Olympic swimmer for the far side of the lake.
“Why in the hell does it sound like LOWBUCK? David thought momentarily before his elbows caught up with his asshole running the hell away from the snarling menace.
A quick look over his shoulder showed the bear gaining ground quickly and its chest appeared bloody and torn.
“ Well somebody at least got a shot or two into that son of a bitch, come on hurry up and bleed out you damnned critter.” David thought as he threw an ineffective canoe paddle at the beast and dove off into the lake, moments before the beast could savage him..
David surfaced about 20 ft away, out of breath and steadily swimming for the center of the inlet. He dove again and a minute or so later he rose to the surface spluttering and then David scanned quickly around to see if the bear had joined him in the swim.
.
The big black bear that had been chasing him was doing a trampoline dance on his small sail boat in frustration for the loss of a meal and was yowling his discontent.
“CRAAAAK” went the sound of a rifle shot to his rear followed by a quick succession follow up shot. It seems that Murray had seen the goings on and had took it upon himself to put a end to this fiasco by putting two well placed bullets from a lever action 30-30 in the fury hellions heart.
“Come on David, Swim on over here, his wife hollered as her husband was still on point with his gun in case that zombie bear revived.
“Damn, sorry, please hang on a minute, I got to get my breath and pee first to make sure my plumbing still works. I think every muscle in me cinched up in that last encounter,” A totally sobered up David called from the greenish waters he had taken protection in.
“Stay where you’re at! We will come and get you, just tread water “She said collecting her husband and going to get their rowboat.
“Ah, thank you! I ain`t moved that fast in my life and I am still not over it. Did you hear Lowbuck yelling something or was it my imagination?” David called treading water
“He is up in that persimmon tree close to your house David. That big old bear probably treed him I guess. I don’t know really know. We heard that bear and saw you coming in on that sloop about the same time my wife here looked through the binoculars and got my attention. Just float for a bit and don’t wear yourself out and we be there to get you.” Murray said to a obviously struggling David as he tried to stay afloat.
David orientated to his right and looked to see a large shadow scaling down from a tree over by Janice’s and thanked his lucky stars that friends were around to remove him from yet another of life’s calamities.
He wanted to holler something at LowBuck to thank him or bless him out for this little unexpected swimming excursion but he had not the willingness or energy to bring himself to say anything after suffering several gulps of the green lakes waters.
Bubba would hear about this later, he said to himself attempting to drown proof himself by doing the jellyfish float that had served him so well up to now.
“I SHOT HIM!’ Lowbuck called from the dock that David now considered miles away and he had problem hearing anything with his face buried in the lake water.
“With what you old S.O.B., that scary bastard was about to eat me.” David blurbled raising his head up
“I put four shots of three eighty hollow point in him before he treed me. Just look at the carcass. That bear is supposed to be stone cold dead! Then on top of that Janice popped him a few times with a twenty two before he got the ass and went after her and forgot about me...” Lowbuck declared loudly to explain why he was up in a tree and why the bear had been beating down her doorstep.
“It would have been 6 bullets that I could have put n him but I had to drop my pistol to climb that tree before he got to me. Damn that bear was fast.” Lowbuck stated as Murray and his wife soon picked David up in there boat and the three approached David’s Dock.
I guess when you bug out with someone that, might resemble a Yeti or big foot in the dark, well then you have to expect a little alcohol induced misidentification once in awhile if you got other big loud furry things roaming the same woods..
Of course Boudreaux had something to do with David thinking the Bear was Lowbuck in the dusk. If you went to one of his parties and left two days later with both shoes, only minor heatstroke and, for the most part, your faculti
es still intact that was considered a bonus.
