by Ron Foster
“Damn straight I do David! Go outside and skin that snake and cut him up for lunch Andrew. Be sure to save the skin and don’t poke any holes in it, I want you to tan it later. How you want that rattler cooked boys? Fried in oil is 2 bucks extra and don’t say nothing about the price or me reusing the oil from that catfish we fried yesterday. That we even got some cooking oil is a blessing or did you fall forget there ain`t no grocery stores around here to get more?
“Andrew how many rattles did that danged thing have?” David asked
“He had eleven!” Andrew said perking up but he soon rushed to do his skinning and cleaning task outside and give Bessie a chance to cool off before he had to come back in.
11
Fresno Formulations
“So Reverend, what seems to be your problem with the vineyard? You wanting to maybe produce your own communion wine or are you just being land hungry and greedy?’ David said not trying to hide his disdain for the man.
“Now David, there is no need for you to be hostile about me making a normal business inquiry. Calm down a bit. You might just find it to be profitable. I had in mind to offer a very good trade or suitable financial transaction. “The preacher began before David cut him off.
“I already told you reverend, I got absolutely nothing to do with that property! Go talk to the owners if you have a mind too but leave me the hell out of it.” David proclaimed brusquely.
“Now David you know them two heathens are hard to approach and besides you are sort of the leader of that Lake community you moved over here. I know that you have some influence on them as well as conduct quite a bit of business with the pair. I could pay you a little something say in the capacity of my consultant in the matter and maybe for you delivering my offer and helping to smooth things out for me?” The preacher said hopefully.
“Not only NO, but hell No! I told you that property has nothing to do with me and I ain`t getting involved in whatever scheme it is that you and your minion here might be cooking up. Speaking of cooking, Bessie is that snake done yet?” David called over to her.
“No I ain`t even done breading it yet. David you got anything for ants in that bag of tricks of yours? With all of you all traipsing in and out carrying god knows what, I am starting to have a problem with ant mounds springing up outside the bar.” Bessie called back.
“Oh sure, ants been bedeviling folks long before we run out of bug spray .Damn remember when instant grits was the cure? Come to think of it I haven’t even seen grits in years. Let me tell you an easy one other than plain boiling water, dilute some toilet bowl cleaner. There are still lots of that stuff around as well as Drano and god knows what. I wish I could find me a chemist to think about what to do with all these weird cleaners and chemicals society has left over, bet I could make a killing on bug spray or some kind of alternative fuel. If you got any chalk you can draw a line with it say like around a dogs bowl and the ants won’t cross the line. Try drawing a line in front of the door maybe.” David mused out loud.
“We got a chemist in our churches community.” The preacher’s minion Barabbas proudly said a bit too brightly, but he soon said no more after the reverend gave him a stern glance.
“That might be why they are so interested in that vineyard. We already got a chemist of sorts ourselves for wine and whiskey making. Of course plain ethanol might be there church chemists thing to experiment with for making fuel. Ah if he only had some those books in his library like Grand Pa`s chemistry book or those early Golden book chemistry books for kids he had grown up on and forgot most the contents of! Just think of all the wonderful things he would be able to create or recreate to help the community or sell.” David mused to himself.
“Well now then Reverend! If you got yourself a good college trained chemist I sure would like to talk to him or her. I would like to be able to compare a few notes on what we have done on our own or could be doing with some of the more obscure recipes we have come up with. We have scavenged cleaning products and insecticides for quite awhile now. However, during 10 years of lake living you would be amazed what products or cleaners you can’t find anymore by rummaging or have completely run out of. Now if it’s just plain unadulterated Ethanol you want talk about than Lowbuck is your man. Lowbuck can make it out a lot of things in any percent you want to end up with. We use ethanol mainly to make herbal tinctures with, but we have had some small successes making fuel for an engine.” David offered as he observed the preachers discomfort discussing his parish chemist.
“You are probably drinking some of that old moon shiners wares at this very moment knowing you David. That stuff is most likely haphazardly made of out of who knows what, but that is not what we want the winery property for. Like many religious orders we observe the sacrament of the wine as well as have a number of followers in our flock that seek a different path from the church and want a more monastic lifestyle. These souls need a sanctuary and the church wishes to keep them in the fold and close to the support and benefit of the community so we find this property to be an ideal solution. The preacher said hopefully watching David’s reaction.
“Look you just formally call a meeting with the owners and I promise that I will see to it they get the message and act civil. That’s the best that I can do for you. Personally, I don’t think you have a chance in hell no matter what you were offering them for it but I will get them to listen. Now if you will excuse me, I have business up at the bar.” David said and left the pair to contemplate what he had suggested.
“Hey there Fresno! What brings you here today?” David said wandering over to the far end of the bar where one of his many acquaintances and suppliers for his trading post was patiently waiting for him to finish up his conversation with the preacher.
“I had a bit of business to discuss with you myself David. That is if you are all done with your meeting.” Fresno said as he skeptically looked over at the preacher and his minion.
Fresno for the life of him couldn’t figure out why in the hell David was socializing with the likes of them two, but David always had had some mysterious ways in approaching business or socializing. He always seemed however to have had some underlying method to his madness whether it was evident or not. He would be interested to see what was going on next and he decided he would keep an ear out for news. Fresno considered to himself.
“We are all finished for now Frez, those two scallywags just kind of snuck up on me and asked for a parlay that went no where. Just ignore them. Where’s your wife Krissy at? I wanted to ask her about helping out with that ladies community store Charlene was trying to put together. “David said looking back askance at the preacher as he called out to David that “when he had a minute there was one other small thing he wanted to ask”.
“Jeez! Ok give me a minute preacher. Let me finish up over here for now. It better not be more questions about that vineyard!” David said turning back to his trading buddy and resuming their conversation..
“What up with the vineyard? Does that damned old kudzu salesman want that too?” Fresno speculated using a term that at this moment meant someone trying to sell or buy something off you for your “own good” that would most likely end up biting you in the ass either way.
“I told him to talk to Lowbuck or Boudreaux. I ain`t got nothing to do with it.” David loudly said after sipping his drink.
“Ok. I was just curious. Krissy will be along in a bit, matter of fact Charlene stopped her on the way over here and asked her in for some coffee. That store she is working on looks like its taking on some life and is starting to shine inside with a new coat of paint. I notice your trading post is as nasty inside as ever, you don’t have any plans to paint it a pretty yellow?” Fresno said just to needle David a bit for his, “as is, where is” approach to reclaiming a building.
Outside of just dragging in a wood stove and installing it, David hadn’t made much of any effort to improving or fixing up his place beyond sweeping it out and dumping whatever junk he couldn’t use in the all
ey in back of it.
“Hell no and don’t you start up suggesting I should. I got one or another of those dang women folk telling me everyday what I should or shouldn’t be doing with it. David you ought to paint this, I might need a carpet, was I going to have drapes, I should have his and her outhouses etc. I got enough worries, besides if you need it and I got it we only taking about price, not if I got some fool doily under the cash register making the place look pretty. “David huffed.
“Man, you sure are in an impatient mood today David. Let the women have their fun, they nesters remember. Fresno began before David cut him off.
“I am letting them have their fun and they are having the fun they want exactly one block up and a street corner over from me in their own place. I told them to make their own store however they liked and I would help them with it anyway I could. But for helping out on their store they needed to try and stay out of my business and stay out of the community traders guild warehouse business unless they were personally buying or selling to us.” David declared and motioned to the bar maid with two fingers that he wanted a double shot of liquor this time.
“Well maybe this isn’t the right time to be talking to you, but that danged store manager you got in your trading post as well as the traders guild are low balling me on the price of some goods I need to trade.” Fresno said sipping his sassafras tea.
Fresno didn’t drink and David did so Fresno didn’t really like conducting business in the bar. David sort of objected that it wasn’t the same camaraderie outside the place and it bugged him if he was getting into his cups if Fresno kept going over a deal like he wasn’t going to remember it. David always remembered his deals, he might not be pleased with himself the next day with what he had agreed to or offered, but he always remembered and honored his commitments. This was to be expected no matter what shape he was in. When he shook on something it was going to be done as agreed upon.
“Cut to the chase buddy, what do you have to sell and what is your best price you are willing to sell for.” David said setting down his drink and turning to study Fresno.
“Well, uh, it ain`t that easy to explain all at once David. You see I got a unique product and you can’t appreciate the pricing of it very well unless you take into account all its various uses or purposes. Now I elaborated all the fine merits of my wares to that manger you hired named Jamie, but he being government raised and all, he just doesn’t get it.” Fresno said evidently objecting to the price his manager offered.
Normally David would have hired a local person or instilled someone from his lake community to the post of managing his little trading post and general store but he had decided this newcomer was the best man for the job.
Jamie was 19 years old and had arrived as a quasi loading crew foreman for relief supplies with the FEMA trucks. Part of his job was to hire locals for his crew and the boy couldn’t seem to command any respect from the older backwoods southerners he had to choose from for his labor crew. David had seen the young man intervening with the military police on behalf of one of them squirrelly rednecks that had threatened him and decided to keep an eye on him because he might have a use for such a fellow. He handled things on his own and appeared to have a cool head on his shoulders.
David was not just being grandfatherly to this young buck. The kid knew things he didn’t on government supply shipping schedules and the prices of goods the government was providing or buying. He was a excellent resource og information as well as having his heart in the right place. David had mentally added him to list of possible people to help him run the little dynasty he was attempting to create. Perhaps a dynasty was too strong a word; he wanted to leave sort of a legacy of business and ideals that would carry on after he passed on.
David saw this leaving of a legacy as a pleasant and profitable way he could pass on something to the next generations as well as provide for the elderly friends he had now that were in need. Times they were a changing once again and David knew when it came to business if you get someone working for you while they were young and treated them right, they would stick with you forever.
“What I got David is one of those big wire racks of pantyhose in them little white eggs containing all sizes and colors and before you laugh me off too let me explain some more to you.” Fresno said to David who was tilting his head in his direction and advising he was listening even if he was having a hard time suppressing a grin.
Fresno then proceeded to sit back and tick off a list of uses for the pantyhose and was happy that David seemed to be still paying attention and showing interest in the deal.
1. You can wear pantyhose as an extra layer beneath your normal clothes to keep warm in cold weather.
2. Use pantyhose to prevent bites and stings. Wear pantyhose under your shorts or pants to protect against chiggers, ticks, and other biting insects.
3. If you are going to be trekking through water, wear them to protect yourself from jellyfish stings and leaches.
4. Stretch a pair of pantyhose over a “Y” shaped branch or stick and use as a skimmer or a fishing net. You won’t catch a 10 pound catfish in this, but you may be able to pick up a few smaller fish to eat or use as bait for a larger fish. Since you said catching a fish with a twig, I came up with this. lol
5. Use pantyhose to secure bait while fishing. Place bait in the pantyhose and secure it to a tree or anything sturdy in order to to keep from losing bait while fishing.
6. You can use pantyhose as a belt to keep your pants hiked up.
7. In first aid, you can utilize pantyhose as a tourniquet, or to hold and, or secure a bandage, or hot and cold pack.
8. Use pantyhose as a first round filter to strain any collected water. Purification would still be needed of course.
9. Cut the feet off of a pair of pantyhose at the ankles and wear them under your socks. They will help cut down on the friction between your shoe and your foot, thus reducing the risk of blisters.
“I hope you can take some of these ideas that a man, or woman can do with pantyhose, or as I say, mantyhose.” Fresno said chuckling.
“I could probably name you a dozen more uses for a pair like fire starting using a bow drill or as an emergency replacement for a car fan belt so yea I see the value in those things. What was the offer and what do you want for them? David said putting the man on the spot.
Fresno stated he was offered 5 cents a pair by David’s trading post manager and was asking for 25 cents a piece including the stand.
David contemplated for a moment and then his eyes started to sparkle as a plan formulated in his mischievous trader mind.
“I am going to offer you 15 cents a pair Fresno when I get back from talking to the preacher again, but that ain`t the whole deal. Just hang here for a few minutes, I shouldn’t be long.” David said to Fresno who was obviously elated he was about to drop all his wares on David at a passable price.
David grabbed his drink and went back to the preachers table and sat down.
“Sorry to bother you David but Barrabas reminded me of another question I wanted to ask that directly concerns you. We don’t have to talk about it now but I wanted to bring it up so you had time to consider a few things.” The preacher said looking relaxed.
“I am listening.” David replied skeptically
“I hear that you are signatory for a Co-OP trying to take over the old country club and golf course. “ Preacher John said while arching one eyebrow and folding his hands like he was finalizing something in his mind.
David looked up from his drink appearing slightly startled and his mind started whirling for an answer.
”Damn! How did that danged preacher find out about that? He hadn’t even told anyone in the community yet he had filed on that particular section. It was over 180 acres and since it wasn’t considered crop land and was in the city limits a whole slew of rules and regulations applied. First off no one individual could homestead that much of that kind of property so David had made up a Co-op with himself as pres
ident. Secondly for that size of commercial or recreational use property you had to have a plan to employ at least 10 regular workers. David had neither the Co-op shareholders nor the regular workers picked out and or planned for.” David thought to himself feeling worried and concerned about how much this bible thumper actually knew about his Country Club caper he had planned.
