by Liana Key
I had specifically told Cassian not to offer them dessert, but he defied me, and they both ordered. Stefan, who claimed to be a health nut, was scoffing down cheesecake for god sake! As Kayla had a coffee, Stefan accosted me at the bar, where I was once again doing one of those phony inventories, and trying to help Ivor with pronunciation.
"This place is buzzing," Stefan said, leaning on the counter. I placed my fake notepad upside down. I allowed myself to feel a small amount of pride, which was quashed when he continued, "I should be down here more often."
Not if I can help it, I thought to myself. "I'm sure you're much too busy," I tried to sound casual. "You do have a city to clean up." I was referring to his job at city hall as an environmental planner.
"So," he said, lowering his voice to not much more than a whisper, "your lover works here, huh?"
I gasped, rendered speechless. I looked for a distraction, there was none. Stefan's grin grew wider, he knew he had me. I started to deny it, but my hesitation had implied my guilt.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, my voice barely audible, as if Ivor had magically learnt English overnight.
Stefan started to chuckle. "Don't try to fool me," he said confidently. "I noticed the car at your place is in the carpark tonight."
I tried to play dumb, but damn it, I would have to buy Cassian a new car.
"Would have thought that was against company policy," Stefan continued smoothly. I was hoping my glare was severe enough, but apparently he was unaffected. "So is he out in the kitchen?" he asked in a sardonic tone. "One of the chefs?" He fingered one of the coasters on the counter top. "Or a dishwasher perhaps?"
I drew in a deep breath, trying to calm myself, a rush of responses flooding my brain, but debating what line of reply to take - anger, humorous, sarcastic, vengeful? It was taking longer than I hoped to come up an appropriate response.
His voice dropped again, and a frown came onto his face, "He's not married is he?"
I gasped again, this time in shock and offense. As if he would suggest my morals were so unscrupulous.
"How dare you," I hissed.
"So must be a toy boy then?" he queried smoothly, as if he had me. And I realized that he knew that I would never stoop so low as having an affair with a married man, it just wasn't me. "So a college boy then?" His fingers tapped on the counter now, his face smug. "What's he studying?"
My only thought now was to shield Cassian. Throw him completely off scent. Everyone knew Cassian was in high school. "Business," I said, too quickly, and foolishly added, "law."
Stefan's brow furrowed. "Business law?" he asked. Fuck, was there even such a degree? "Or business and law?" he drawled derisively .
"Business and law," I replied confidently. "A double major." I was proud of my quick thinking, that could put the make-believe lover at about twenty four. A three or four year age difference was nothing.
Stefan raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Mmmm," he said. "Does he have a name?"
"No," I snapped. "And you keep your mouth shut, you hear." I was still the older sibling here, that had to stand for something. "Don't you say a word to Mama," I said, "or Daddy."
He grinned again. "Is he local?" he asked.
"No," I snapped again, thinking of the name Ivan. If I had to call him something I would call him Ivan. Or was that too similar to Ivor? "He's from Chicago." Was that far enough away? Perhaps I should have said Boston. "Illinois," I added.
"I know where Chicago is," he laughed. I was tiring of this, I was suddenly drained. Who knew lying could be so exhausting.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to Kayla?" I said with a sneer.
He looked over his shoulder at their table. "Mmmm," he said, "looks like your young waiter's taking care of her." Cassian had been talking to her for the last few minutes, but Stefan hadn't seen that. "He has a way with the ladies, doesn't he?"
I ignored his comment, straightening the coasters that he had been fidgeting with, then thought I better reply, in case he assumed my silence meant something. "He's very popular," I said evenly, "Caroline loves him." Yes, that was clever, make him Aunt Caroline's pet.
Stefan laughed. "Well, I am impressed with how well you run this place," he praised, "you should be proud, you're doing a good job." For a moment I felt sentimental, but I pushed that feeling aside. I had to think of him as the enemy, he could jeopardize so much.
"I'll get your check brought out," I said briskly and walked away with what I thought was finality, but not totally convinced I could claim the victory. I was at the door as they departed, fake kissing them both on the cheek, welcoming them back any time, but Stefan, I knew, couldn't be deceived. I knew the game wasn't over, in fact, far from it.
CASSIAN
She said she needed to buy me a new car. I thought What the fuck, but said, "What are you talking about?"
"He knows your car," she said frantically. "He saw it at my apartment and he saw it in the carpark."
"But he doesn't know it's mine?" I asked. The whole thing was turning very dramatic.
"He knows I'm seeing someone who works here," she gabbled. "A college student from Chicago. He's studying business and law."
I must have looked startled, and I couldn't help myself. "So I'm only one of your boys then? What's this college boy do? Has he got my dishwashing job?" There was a grin on my face.
She punched me in the chest, taking a hold of my shoulders. "It's not a joke, Cassian. He's going to catch us out, I just know it." There was real desperation in her eyes.
"You hardly have to buy me a new car," I said. "I could bike."
"You can't bike," she said, "that's ridiculous."
"I'll use Magdala's car then," I said, not knowing how I would explain borrowing her car when mine was perfectly all right.
"Oh, could you?" Relief came over her face. "Really?" She seemed to need confirmation.
"I'll sort something," I said. Dad never minded me borrowing his car, nor Antonia. I could mix it up for a bit, there were options. Though surely Stefan only needed to ask any of the staff who owned the dark blue Altima and all would be revealed. Guess she hadn't thought of that.
"We may have to lay low for awhile," she said.
"Really?" That seemed extreme. "Do you think I should quit?" I had to ask, though realized I didn't want to. I actually enjoyed working, enjoyed the job.
"No, I don't want you to quit," she said, now wrapping her arms around me, sinking into me. "Oh, I just want things to be the same." She pulled back briefly. "Damn Stefan, why couldn't he just mind his own business?"
I pulled her back to me again. "Hey, it'll be okay." I stroked her back. I so wanted her, but it was already quite late and I had an early start tomorrow morning, at the tennis club. I kissed her, my hand running over the curves of her ass, held her close, pressing myself into her.
"Oh Cassian," she sighed and pulled away again. I knew she wasn't feeling it. She was too agitated, too highly strung.
"I better go," I said. We were the only two still there. I'd pretended to go earlier, but had just sat in my car and had slipped back in after Eddie left. "You don't think he's stalking the carpark?" I joked as we walked out together.
"Who knows?" She definitely was out of sorts. I guess the implications of anyone finding out would be far more devastating for her, she had a reputation; I didn't. If anything my reputation would be enhanced but people would be less forgiving to her. I sensed a real fear in her.
"Hey," I said, "we'll work something out, yes?" She nodded, but she didn't attempt to hold me, to kiss me, and glanced around as if it was feasible Stefan would emerge from the darkness. I watched her leave and then jumped in my car. I decided I'd do whatever she asked. If we had to lay low, we would. If I couldn't have her, I'd make do with a caress here, a kiss there. Whatever it would take to make her happy.
As it was, things just started to happen and our lives disconnected, other than work. We were busy packing up the house, as the purchase of the Santa
Monica house had gone through. Antonia had us all downsizing, the new house was smaller, only five bedrooms, less garage space, we had to be brutal and dispose of things we wouldn't use again. I didn't have much trouble doing that and neither did Magdala. Antonia found it hard to follow her own advice.
In amongst all that, Magdala got a job. Antonia set it up for her, at a surf shop at the mall. It was perfect for her, she loved all things surfing, boards, fashion, and she had a lot of knowledge about local surf conditions. It was good to see her getting really excited about something. Over the past month either me, Jakey or Dad had been surfing with her two or three times a week. It really seemed like she was getting her life back on track and it had been because of her own determination to help herself. She had told me that she had two choices, to wallow and be a victim, or to get back into life. She chose option two. I was so proud of her, and I think it had stemmed from the time she, Jakey and Raff came to the restaurant for lunch. It seemed that had been a turning point. She'd told me she had felt proud of me, for having a job and being so good at it, she told me I was an inspiration to her. I didn't feel comfortable with that image, because she didn't know anything about Paola, so I felt a bit of a fraud.
And then in an even more surprising move, she'd said she had met a boy. Flynn was the son of Dr Surridge, the pediatrician who had taken her case, and she had met him while she was having a hospital appointment. He had asked her to the movies, and she had accepted. I was a little apprehensive about this turn of events, my heart going out to Nathan. Nathan, who had been shattered by the rape, and now seemingly disposed of for a new boyfriend, only three or four months later. It felt like it was happening very quickly, but I didn't broach my feelings because she was the happiest I'd seen her for ages.
We moved the weekend before school finished, and then spent a week or two settling in. My bedroom was on the ground floor, but Magdala's and the others were all upstairs. I quite liked that, I could see it would have its advantages.
I had to let Paola know that I would need time off over the summer. Aunt Kate had organized our travel plans and we were leaving in the middle of June. She'd planned three weeks in Mexico for us, at various locations and then Dad, Antonia and the little ones were flying down to meet us and we would cruise together for ten days. After that Magdala was going to Hawaii to her mother's, and I usually went with her too. I guessed it would be no different this time.
I felt dread at having to tell Paola that I would be away most of the summer, and dread that I would be away from her for so long. Only seeing her three days a week at work and having no home visits had been bad enough. Luckily the final exams and moving had meant I had plenty to occupy me with, but I felt an unexplained sense of loss and abandonment when I wasn't with her. It was almost like a grief, but I found it difficult to express to her, and in the end didn't because she was still stressing about Stefan discovering the truth. I'd used up every excuse not to take my car to work, taking Magdala's a few times, telling her I had no gas and no time to fill up because I was already running late. I took Dad's when he had blocked me in and I said I had no time to move it, and a few times I parked several blocks away and walked.
It was my Sunday shift and I'd gone into her office with my vest. It was the most intimate we got to be these days. Her fingers lingered on my neck, my shoulders.
"We have our holiday plans all sorted," I said, as she stood behind me, taking excruciatingly long to fix my shirt collar. I hadn't got into a routine with my clothes, laundry and ironing in the new house yet, so perhaps I hadn't pressed it properly. I had forewarned her that I'd be going away, telling her how Aunt Kate thought Magdala needed a decent holiday. "We leave on the 14th." She immediately stopped touching.
"Of this month?" she asked. "So soon?"
"Can you cover my shifts?" I asked.
She didn't answer, she spun me around. "How long will you be gone?" There was a hint of urgency in her question.
"Four weeks or so."
Her face fell, her mouth hung open, as if I'd just told her I had a terminal disease or something. "Oh no," she whispered, "that's too long."
I frowned. "You won't hold my job for me?" I wondered out loud.
"No, it's too long for you to be away," she whispered, and suddenly her hands were all over my face. "I've missed you so much, and I don't want you to be gone for so long." Her lips were on mine. "I'm such a fool, so terrified of being caught out that I've neglected you," she said, her voice laced with despair, "and now you're going to be gone." A sense of guilt flooded over me, and I almost felt like I should say that I wouldn't go, that I'd stay here for the summer. She kissed me again, then closed her eyes and rested her head on my chest. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her in tight.
"Can you come over later?" she asked. I hadn't planned to, and said, "I've got a match organized for later."
"You couldn't cancel?" I didn't like to change plans, let people down, especially at short notice.
"What about if I came later?" I said.
She nodded and she arranged to pick me up from the tennis club, so that my car wouldn't be parked at her place.
PAOLA
I sat in the tennis stands, a large floppy straw hat on my head and oversized sunglasses on my nose, possibly over the top for the situation; there were only a few dozen spectators watching. I was quite excited about watching him play, and I was quite in awe of his ability. His serve went down with speed and he moved with athleticism. I felt proud, allowing myself to applaud when he hit winning shots. He ended up beating his opponent in two sets, and I went back out to my car, flicking through a magazine while I waited for him, my heart pounding in anticipation of being with him, but also heavy with despondency for what we'd been through. I'd minimized contact with Cassian since Stefan's discovery, trying to remain business like in all matters, but always thinking it would only be a temporary measure. I had already concocted a story where Ivan, my Chicago born lover was returning to his hometown for summer and in fact was going to complete his degree, or degrees there. So I would never see him again. I'd act like it was Theo all over again. Surely Stefan would remember how heartbroken I had been when Theo had abandoned me, and he might afford me a little sympathy and back off my case. That was my hope anyway.
Stefan, Kayla, Mama and Daddy had come into the restaurant one Saturday evening. Luckily it was Cassian's night off, but Stefan had craned his neck here, craned it there, trying to get a good look at all the staff. I had actually used another waiter, Jonathan as a ploy, talking to him more often than usual, busying myself around his tables, as if we were close. It was utterly desperate measures.
So when Cassian announced he would be on holiday for a month, a whole month, my world felt bleak. I didn't think I'd survive for so long without him. An intense sadness had washed over me in seconds and all I'd wanted to do was cling to him and never let him go. He had been quiet, I noticed, and I wasn't sure if it was from a mutual feeling or indifference.
He came out of the club carrying a large tennis bag and I popped the trunk and he stowed it in the back. He smiled as he got in.
"Oh, you played so well," I said.
"It was just a practice game," he said modestly. He started texting, looked at me and said, "I'll just tell Dad I won't be home for dinner." He had such a sense of responsibility, that which I admired. He always liked to do the right thing, he'd told me once, and maybe that's why he'd never protested about stopping our liaisons. Though he had suggested that I might be verging on paranoia once, he had complied with my request.
He drank a bottle of water, refused dinner, but he ate a banana, to keep his energy levels up, he had said with a wink. He took a quick shower and I waited on the bed. He came out with just a towel wrapped around his hips, his hair damp on the ends. The love I felt for him at that moment overwhelmed me so much that I felt myself tearing up. I scolded myself, for being so weak, for displaying unwarranted emotion.
"Paola? What is it? What have I done?" he asked, his
finger tracing down my cheek, brushing aside the tear
"I'm such a fool," I said, shaking my head, "shutting you out, and now I lose you for the next month." He let the towel drop open on the bed and started to undress me, unbuttoning my shirt and pulling off my denim shorts.
He knelt over me, gloriously naked, and again he wiped at the few stray tears. "I love you so much," he said. "I'll do anything for you."
"I just want us to be normal," I said, my voice almost breaking. "I just want everyone to know how much I love you."
"One day," he said, "one day. You just need to wait for me."
And I wondered if I could. Wondered then if all this was just a ridiculous, forbidden romance, which would burn out way before we got a chance to be together. Because logically, sensibly, when would our love ever be acceptable? When he was twenty, and I was thirty? Thirty and forty? Forty and fifty? It hit me that I would always be judged, condemned for loving someone so youthful, society would never accept me, would never accept our love. Should I just let him go? Now? While he would be away for the summer? Would it be better just to cut him loose, forget him, move on?
He pulled down my panties, unhooked my bra. "You will wait, won't you?" he asked. Now it was his eyes that looked desperate, that feared hopelessness.
I nodded and whispered, "Yes, of course." And he claimed me, with fire, with urgency, with a ferocity as if he didn't really believe me, as if this was our last time, as if he expected that when he came back, he wouldn't find me waiting.
Chapter 5
CASSIAN
We flew to Mexico City, all eight of us, that's all of Jakey's family, Magdala and I, and Devon, who had been friends with all of us for years. We were doing six days of sightseeing, getting cultured, Connor called it, then we were going to Punta de Mita on the Pacific Coast where we would spend two weeks in a resort. Then we would meet Dad in Cancun and do a cruise for ten days. It seemed like it would be a blast, but leaving LA felt wrong. It felt like it would be the making or breaking of Paola and me. Like with me being away she would decide whether our relationship would ever go anywhere, or whether it would be better just to abandon it, knowing it had been doomed from day one. I thought the latter seemed most likely. The stress of anyone finding out about us seemed too much of a burden for her to bear. And I hated seeing her in a constant state of panic and distress.
