by Tijan
He nodded easily and then glanced over his shoulder. "That's a little eerie, isn't it? When my dad first found out that I got punched by some kid, he went berserk. And then, I don't get it. He just dropped the charges."
"What about the second time? Deputy Doug told me that your dad was in a tither. He wanted Brady charged to the fullest."
"Nah." Kid shrugged again and scratched his shoulder this time. "My dad's mostly talk. I think he kinda likes Brady, something about how 'he's a man and he stands up for himself'. I don't get it. He hates women and he doesn't seem to like you."
"I've noticed. He hates me." I shivered.
"Which is funny because he loves to…you know…with women, but he loathes them outside of the bedroom."
I marveled at how careless he sounded. He was talking about his father. Who talked about their dad like that? I didn't even know my dad.
"Um…did your dad ever know my mom?"
Kid snorted and turned to watch the pharmacist. "Probably. My dad seems to know every female around these parts."
"No, I mean…has he ever talked about my mom or anything?" I hated how I couldn't even ask a simple question. Then I did a very Viola-like thing and cursed under my breath.
Kid glanced at me. "Did you just swear?"
"No," I lied, wide eyed.
"It's okay. You can curse, you know. I mean, you're in love with Brady. Do you know who Brady is?"
I froze in place and couldn't look away from Kid's teasing eyes nor could I meet them. "What did you just say?"
I couldn't breathe.
Kid laughed again and threw an arm around my shoulder. He jerked me against his side. "I'm teasing, Rayna, but you are best friends with the douche. He swears all the time. Actually, thinking about it, he's not that bad when you're around." His hip bumped mine. "Good job, Janke. What other powers do you have?"
"I don't have powers."
"I'm kidding. I just meant…nevermind." He moved slightly away and scratched at his arm.
"You keep itching yourself. Do you have a rash?"
"Oh. No. I just do that sometimes when I'm around my dad. He has that power over me."
I stared, nonplussed, and narrowed my eyes. So your dad's never spoken about my mom?"
"Nah, but who knows. He gets around. He likes to chase skirts, but I don't know why. It's only caused him to become a bitter old man. I don't know about hating you, but he really hates your grandmother. My dad's messed up. Does your mom live around here? Isn't she in Florida or something?"
I swallowed painfully. "She moved to Florida before I was born."
"Oh. So you were born down there? I thought you lived up here all your life."
"I have. My mom thought my grandparents would do a better job raising me so they took me in when I was a baby."
"Oh." Kid shifted on his feet, uncomfortable. Then he relinquished, "My dad did the same thing. Or, well…I guess he didn't give me up, but he let my mom raise me. He didn't fight her about it. They divorced when she found out she was pregnant with me. My mom told me that she didn't want me to be raised with my dad as a role model. He was always having affairs, but after they got divorced, he went nuts. Or so I've heard. Some woman in the grocery store told me how he had an affair with a new woman every week when my mom divorced him."
I did the math and realized, "That must've been when my mom left for Florida. She'd been down there six months before I was conceived."
"Really?"
"My grandma told me that when I asked who my dad was. She said it isn't anyone around here because, 'Your momma'd been gone half a year before you were put in her belly'. I was little back then. I didn't understand that my dad was someone I'll never know. My grandma still gets weird when I ask about him."
Kid turned and stared at me directly. "So you don't know who your dad is? Your mom never said anything?"
"I've spoken to my mother six times in my life and they're always awkward phone conversations. She came once for Christmas, but Grandma wouldn't let her stay at the house so the dinner was really uncomfortable. She left an hour later."
"Why'd your mom give you up?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. That's something else my grandma won't talk to me about, but I've always felt it's because my mom has problems with men. Like she sleeps with them all the time. My mom caused problems for this town. She didn't want me being raised around that environment."
"Huh," Kid grunted, still perplexed. "At least your mom did the right thing and let your grandparents raise you. Sounds like she was trying to do what was best for you. My dad is never at the house when I've been around. He's either traveling for business or off with 'some secretary.' I think my mom had enough of it and just moved away."
"Yeah. That was when…" …when we'd started to get close. I remembered those days. Kid had been Brady's best friend and I'd always been left behind. Then something changed and Kid started teasing me. He asked me to hang out with them. We'd even gone to the movies once without Brady. I'd felt guilty at the time and felt even more now.
Kid coughed. "That was back then. Things are sure different now."
Yeah…
"Rayna Janke?" The pharmacist waved from the cash register.
After I paid, it felt weird knowing that I had birth control in my pocket. When I looked towards the waiting lounge, I saw Brady with his head still in a magazine. Viola should've been there. I would've gone through that moment in my life holding my grandmother's hand. Then I looked at Frank Stephens, who sat stiffly and regally in his chair. His hands seemed to be resting on the sides of his chair with his fingers curled inwards towards the wood. He didn't fool anyone. He didn't want to be there and he looked down his nose at everyone around him. Even the clerk noticed it.
Kid's name was called next.
I didn't know what to feel, not with Kid. He went away and things were fine, but now he was back and everything seemed up in the air. I'd never really talked about my mom like that to anyone.
When Kid turned around with his allergy medication in hand, he stopped and stared at me. "So…"
I bolstered up my courage. "Does your dad go to Florida for business?"
"Oh yeah. All the time," Kid replied, distracted. He started scratching again.
I felt my stomach drop and then Brady appeared at the door. "Rayna? You got what you need?"
I couldn't look away from Kid, who seemed jumpy now. "Uh…yeah…"
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Was Frank Stephens my father? Was he the reason why my mother left town? Did he banish her? Did he go down there and make love to her? Did my grandmother know? And Brady…what would Brady say? He hated Frank Stephens. Would he hate me, too?
I rested my head against the school bus window and looked out on the way to school. I didn't want to think anymore. All bad, it was all bad.
As I walked into school, I saw another bad situation waiting by my locker dressed in tight blue jeans. I was surprised that Clarissa only wore a loose white tee shirt over it. With her hair pulled into two braids that hung on each side of her head, I knew she was still every boy's fantasy, much more than me as I was dressed in jean shorts, blue tank top, and my damp hair grazed my shoulders. I always felt so dowdy compared to Clarissa, but this time she was the one who looked self-conscious as I approached.
"Hey." She looked at me and hesitated.
"Hey." I didn't move to open my locker. This wouldn't take long anyway.
"So…" She took a deep breath. "Um…I feel really stupid about yesterday. I mean with the river and how I acted really, really stupid with your grandmother later. I shouldn't have done what I did. I apologize."
"For using me to get Kid to the river? Or for using me to try to use Kid to make Brady jealous? Or for how you still love Brady?"
"Okay. I got it. I did a lot of stupid things yesterday," Clarissa rushed out. She kept glancing up and down the hallway.
"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me now? You invited me to skip school with you yesterday."
&n
bsp; "Because you're ripping into my ass!" She blew a deep breath out and shook her head. "I officially apologize for using you, for being jealous of you, and for being a crappy friend. I feel bad about it all. Trust me. I really felt bad at three in the morning when I was vomiting. Your grandma is a fierce lady."
She didn't know the half of it.
"If it's any consolation, she stayed in bed the rest of the day too. I don't think it was from the booze, but I know she didn't feel good." She'd stayed in bed when Brady dropped me off after the hospital and she hadn't emerged by the time I left for school this morning.
Clarissa pursed her lips and scanned the hallways again. "So are you staying here today? It's going to be boring."
I shrugged and opened my locker. Our classes weren't even being taught anymore so I didn't need any books, but I still felt bereft without one. "I guess. I feel weird skipping again. Look at what happened yesterday." I wanted her to go away. She reminded me of bad things.
"Yeah, but yesterday was an aberration. It won't happen again. We're not going tubing today—"
I couldn't hold it in anymore. "What do you want, Clarissa? I've learned that you usually have an agenda."
Score one for me.
Clarissa stood taller and then flashed a wolfish grin. "Look at you. You've grown fangs. Little bunny fangs, but fangs nonetheless. I'm sure they'll draw blood on someone. Maybe someone with dementia, but still."
I flushed. "You don't have to make fun of me."
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Clarissa immediately apologized and actually looked it. "I went into automatic defense. I'm used to it when I deal with the other girls here. Sometimes I forget that you're not like everyone else. It's refreshing. It's why I really am sorry because I really do like you. I didn't think I would, not for years. Brady always talked about you even when he and I used to hook up, but I just thought you were some stupid novelty to him. Then you finally came around and I saw it. I saw why he likes you so much. You're…I don't know how to explain it. You're not like anyone else."
That was…I grabbed a book and hugged it to my chest. "Okay…well, I'm going to go."
"Where are you going? I'm in your first period and our teacher closed the class last week. We don't have class."
"I'll go to the library then." Libraries were safe, lots of corners to hide in.
Clarissa nodded with a knowing look in her eyes. "Listen, I'm heading out to the Corner Diner. Everyone should be hanging there most of the day so if you want, you could come any time. It don't matter. I'll probably be there all day wasting time."
She started to walk backwards, towards the parking lot.
"I'm still staying in school today."
"Okay. See you…sometime then…" Then she was gone with a small wave. And why did I feel like I should've gone with her? Clarissa had proved I couldn't trust her. She still had feelings for Brady. For that reason alone, I shouldn't be friends with her. Then why did I feel like I was missing out on something?
"I'll have fun today. I don't need classes to have fun…" And I didn't so I went to the library and found a corner to hunker down. A part of me did feel foolish because seniors didn't have to be in school for the last week, but the truth was that I didn't know where else to go. Brady worked during the day and I went to school. I suppose I could've stayed home, but I shuddered at that situation.
Later when the last bell of the day rang, I lifted my head and yawned. I'd read most of the day, fallen asleep a couple times, and emerged only once to find something to eat. After that I had stayed put and eventually curled back into a ball on the floor.
Now, as I was headed home, I passed the Corner Diner and glanced over. Sure enough, Clarissa was right. The parking lot was overflowing with cars and a few trucks filled with water tanks. Some guys held water balloons behind their backs and I sighed in slight amusement. At least I wasn't there where I would've gotten drenched. Brady was probably there. Brady was probably the one who had the idea.
When I got home, I was surprised to see the front door propped open by a potted plant. The screen door flapped open briefly every now and then, but as I stepped inside, I was met with siesta music and the smell of baked jalapenos. My grandmother sashayed around the kitchen with the pepper apron on and her hair swept up in a high ponytail. She looked showered and refreshed.
"Hey." I was cautious. I never knew what I was going to get now.
"Hi!" Viola turned with a bright smile on and a forced twinkle in her eyes.
My heart fell. It was all a show. "How are you?"
My grandmother chuckled heartily as she produced a pan of muffins from the oven. "I'm good. I'm good. Why wouldn't I be good?"
I let my bag drop from my fingers. "Are you okay?"
"What—huh?"
I'd never seen my grandmother like this. She was the kind to tackle whatever demon or obstacle lay in front of her and hoot and holler as she did. This Viola looked like the type that I knew she detested. She was faking. And she was bad at it.
"You're singing and you're dancing and you're baking?"
Viola deadpanned, "Yeah. Why?" Her pan of muffins didn't waver in her jalapeno potholders.
"I had sex with Brady." I took a deep breath. Let's get this started.
My grandmother took a breath and then another one. The muffins started to waver now.
I pressed, "Ever since you found out, you've been avoiding me. You haven't wanted to talk to me. How is that normal when a parent-like figure is avoiding the teenager? I'm supposed to be the one avoiding you. Not the other way around. Now you're dancing around and acting like everything is hunky dory? It's not."
As Viola swallowed visibly, I watched how the muffins almost dropped.
I cried out, "I am sorry that I have shamed you so much that you can't even talk to me. I am sorry that you can't bear to be in the same room as me except when Clarissa was here. I am sorry that I turned out just like my mother and you've had to deal with all this past stuff again. I am so sorry that…I don't even know what anymore. I'm sorry for disappointing you and for not being the perfect daughter that my mother never was!"
The muffins dropped.
I brushed away some tears. "And you don't even know what's been going on in my life. Brady and I had sex. Then Clarissa acted like my friend only to not really be my friend. There are these other girls who hate me. Kid—what do I even say about him? Brady hates him. You hate him, but I don't. Then he tells me all this stuff about his dad. Is Frank Stephens my father? And if he is, then why does he hate me so much?"
I gulped for a breath and wiped away more tears before I looked at my grandmother. She stood there frozen with the pan still in her hands. Her eyes were glazed over like she was seeing a stranger.
I took another shuddering breath.
Viola choked out, "Are you saying—are you in love with Brady?"
My eyes went wide. "That's all I get?"
She took another deep breath and slowly placed the muffin pan on the table. "So…you two had sex."
"Yes."
She nodded with her lips pursed and a look of concentration on her face. "Okay. So…have you had sex again?"
I nodded,. Then I rushed out, "But I have my period so I know I'm not pregnant. I went to the doctor and I have birth control now. Just in case, you know."
"So…" She looked in pain. "Are you two a couple?"
"I…" I had no idea what to say. Were we? We hadn't talked about it. I loved him. I knew that, but that was about it. I hung my head and whispered, "We haven't really talked about it except that Brady once said he couldn't handle the changes."
My grandmother always knew what to say, but this was the one time I saw that she had no clue. A myriad of emotions flickered over her face. "So…I am sorry, Rayna. I know that I'm supposed to be the perfect and wise grandma who knows what to say to you, but I don't. Do I like the idea of you and Brady? No. Am I torn because I know that you're my granddaughter and you've finally given yourself to a boy? Yes. I want to hug you, soothe you,
and tell you that everything is going to be okay. But I can't. Do I love you? Of course I do. Do I know what to do to make everything alright? If I did, things wouldn't be this screwed up. I would've known what to say the first time I found out."
My eyes were brimming in tears as I looked at her. I saw the
