by Anna Hub
“What?”
“Maybe they can smell us up there. One day while I waited for you, one climbed after me.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you say something?”
“I didn’t want you to be afraid of the place where you have to pass.”
I paused, taking a moment to digest what he'd said. “Where did it climb up?”
“Behind the waterfall.” He tried to reassure me with his expression but it didn't help.
Maybe that's how he knew where to climb down but he'd hidden all evidence of worry from his face at the time. I wished I hadn't asked. The cats were my biggest fear in the shadow world. But he'd made the effort to keep that fear from me and somehow, despite everything, that thought helped to make this nightmare a little more bearable.
Brayden rummaged through the forest, searching for hard and soft wood. Beneath the stubble on his face, a smile formed as he held up some wood. “Soft.”
He sat down and used a rock to dig away a strip in the middle. “I was thinking we should keep moving when you’re ...” He stopped what he was doing and looked up. “I know you’re not finished there yet, but when you are, maybe we should leave this forest.”
Although he tried to word it delicately, my throat thickened. “Why?”
“It’s too dangerous here.”
“What makes you think there will be less danger somewhere else?”
“Nothing. I just think it's worth a try.”
Back in our old world, there were different animals in different climates. Perhaps it would be the same here. I was afraid of the reptile that chased me from the cave, the hunters and wild cats were awful, but, at least, we knew something about them. What if we went somewhere else and it was worse?
Brayden continued preparing the wood for a fire as the sky turned dim and his shadow faded with the sun. He busied himself trying to make the tinder spark and I pulled large leaves over the shelter for wind protection.
My stomach groaned and I wrapped my arms tight to help with warmth. This was going to be my new life and one way or another I was going to have to get used to it.
Chapter Fifteen
I woke up as Brayden climbed into the dugout beside me.
“Did it work?” I asked.
He exhaled and I wondered how many hours he'd spent trying to start the fire. “It was pretty hot. I managed to get a bit of smoke but it wasn’t enough to light the tinder.”
His arm pressed against mine, the chill of his skin making me shiver. “You’re freezing!”
“Sorry.” He wriggled further away.
We both jumped at a noise but when Brayden relaxed, I did too. “Don’t you think the cats might be able to smell us here too?”
“I’m sure they can but there are different ways to escape here.”
“I feel more vulnerable out here,” I admitted. "And there must be hunters out here too."
“There's nothing close by right now.” He sounded certain and I tried to convince myself to trust in his instinct.
Trust. It didn't sound so hard and after everything we'd been through, even since his eyes started to turn grey, he'd proved he was on my side. But still, doubt niggled at me. Not so much for his present state of mind but for what might become of him in the future. “Did you kill the hunter who tried to strangle you in the river?” I swallowed, already regretting the question.
He turned his head. “No.” He stared at me for a long time and I was too ashamed to meet his gaze even in the moonlight. “He hit his head on a rock and was unconscious. I pulled him from the water and left him there. Do you really think I could do that?”
The tension eased from my muscles. Killing for his own survival wouldn't have proved anything but I was still relieved to know the truth. "No. Of course not. It's just that I don't actually know you that well."
“I know you well enough to be sure you wouldn’t murder someone.” He shook his head. "Things are different here, Sel. You're the only person I've faced death with. Multiple times. Doesn't that show you a part of someone that no else has seen?"
He was right. It did. But he didn't know about the grey in his eyes and I was too afraid to say it aloud. I nodded. "I guess you're right. But it's weird. I know how fast you can run and the way you can make me feel both safe and uncertain at the same time—"
"Uncertain?"
I sighed. "Yeah. Like I know all this extreme stuff about you but I don't know when your birthday is or what your favourite colour might be."
He laughed. "Does that stuff even matter here? There's no one around to bring cake and balloons for your birthday. I don't even know what day it is."
"I know it sounds stupid. I just ... I'm not used to this extreme way of getting to know a person. It's hard to digest."
He twisted so that he was facing me in the dugout. "So you want to ask all the boring questions?"
I nudged him. "They don't have to be boring, but more personal might be nice."
"Fire away then."
I tapped fingers against my legs. "What did you want for your future?"
"Jeez, into the deep stuff straight away." He exhaled, resting his head down against the earth. "I don't know. More travel. A house of my own. Financial security."
Generic answers. "A house. Sounds reasonable. With Sophie? Did the two of you live together?"
He hesitated. It obviously wasn’t the question he’d been expecting. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I know it must be really hard for you.”
“When you ask me if I miss her, I say yes, but only because I seem like a bad person if I don’t feel that way. I miss her because she represents a normal part of my life, but … it's been a long time since our life together was normal.”
It was hard to imagine them ever being together. I barely knew her but she wasn’t the type I pictured him with. Sure, she was pretty, but she seemed so cold.
“If I somehow went back to the other world and were given the chance to live again, I couldn’t be with her,” he said.
“I guess some experiences change your perception forever.”
“Exactly.” He swallowed. “So many things I used to care about are meaningless now. And it's all the meaningless stuff she cared about most.”
“Like what?"
"I don't know. It was all about appearing to have a perfect life. Not consciously but when I think back, I don't think anything in that world could be real enough."
"She put in the effort to support you when you were sick."
He shrugged. "But I didn't need someone to pity my illness, I needed someone to believe me and look for a solution. I needed you."
I froze. "I ... I guess it was different for me ... it was happening to me too."
"I know that and I didn't mean that how it might have sounded. It's just if I think about Sophie in the shadow world, I don't think she would have been as optimistic as you and if I'm honest, I'm glad it's you I'm stuck with."
Had he just compared the two of us? I wasn't sure how to respond. My stomach flipped and I found myself remembering the dream where we'd kissed. I shook my head. He'd said it so casually; he hadn't meant it in a romantic way. But why was that the first thing in my head? I couldn't afford to develop any feelings for him; this world was already too uncertain. "My brother is the real optimist in my family."
He stared and I somehow felt as though he recognised my effort at diverting the attention. "Really? I don’t know anyone who would react the way you did when thrown into the shadow world.”
“Me? I’m terrified.” I laughed.
“Of course you are, but amongst your fear there is a strong will to survive.”
“It's instinct to run when chased.” I hesitated on the word instinct.
“I’m not talking about running. I’m talking about the bug eating and fire building. I’ve never heard you say this is too hard.”
“I’ve thought it plenty of times.”
“Selena.” He waited until I turned to face him. “Take the compliment.”
I closed
my mouth, bewildered by his words as he rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. Without his gaze and the expectation to appear modest, the praise soaked in and I fell asleep with a sense of satisfaction that I hadn't felt for a long time.
--*--
It had been two days since I'd passed and I constantly checked my feet for a shadow with substance. Brayden caught me a few times but looked away whenever I caught him. My body was still alive somewhere in the other world but I couldn’t get there.
We stayed away from the rocks at Brayden’s request, although he promised he would wait there for me if I passed back. We’d decided to move to the peak of the valley and see if we could find food or shelter in an uncharted part of the forest.
“Brayden?” He looked back as he continued walking. “What does it look like when I pass?”
He pulled on a vine obstructing our path, struggling to separate it from the tree. “It just looks like you’re falling into a hole I can’t see.”
I’d never witnessed his passing and now I would never get the chance.
“This vine is really stubborn.” He tried using his foot for leverage but couldn't tear it.
I stepped forward to help, palms hot as the plant slipped through time and again. Suddenly it snapped free and we both fell backwards. We hit the ground with a thud; both stunned into silence as the wind escaped our lungs. I turned and caught his eyes wide, the sight somehow throwing me into a fit of hysteria.
"What's so funny?" he sat up.
"Nothing." I wiped tears from my cheeks. "I just haven’t had a good laugh in a while."
He shook his head, grinning at the laughter I still couldn't contain. "Are you done?"
I took a deep breath, shaking my hair clean. "Yep. Done."
The valley gradually closed together but once we reached the top of the slope, I realised there was another incline right behind it. We hit the second river and I paused to rinse my mouth and face.
“I’m going to have a look around for food,” Brayden said.
The water looked dark in the fading light but fish were still visible as they rushed to the surface to catch moths. Their little bodies slapping as they fell back into the water. There were things in this wilderness I'd never witnessed before. Things that were remarkable and beautiful in their simplicity.
I was about to turn away when I caught a reflection in the water. Before I had time to process what it was, a dark form flicked into the current. It frightened me but I was getting better at controlling my reflexes. Without moving my head, my eyes wandered up the bank until they fell on a cat. The creature perched on the opposite side of the riverbank, its tail striking the water in a motion that sent my heart to my throat. I remained perfectly still as the water rippled and a dead fish emerged. The cat used its paw to drag the water towards it, the current eventually bringing the fish closer. It leaned forward with an open mouth and scooped the fish inside. It caught my eyes and stared back. I was immobilised by both fear and amazement as it swallowed the fish in one gulp and let excess water run out of its mouth. Its gaze lingering momentarily before it backed away.
I wasn’t sure if it had seen me and left me alone intentionally but when I told Brayden, he insisted we move on immediately.
We didn’t travel back the same way we’d come. We followed the second river and by the time we reached the dugout, it was almost dark. It was impossible to ignore the fact that the night decreased my chances of passing back to the old world. I started to wonder how close the end might be and what we were going to do when it was over. Brayden did a good job of disguising his hunger but I still noticed his energy levels getting lower and he was losing more weight. Soon I would be in the same position and if we were going to survive any longer we would have to find more substantial food.
Brayden collected fallen branches for shelter as I settled against a tree. The air was already turning chilly and I could almost feel it chewing up my energy.
“We won’t be able to keep this up for long,” I said.
He lifted his head. “What do you mean?”
“You need more food and soon I will too.”
“I’m fine.”
“If we can start a fire we’ll be able to cook fish.”
“Fish aren’t easy to catch.”
“We’re going to have to find a way.”
Brayden sat down as he nodded. “You’re right.”
He picked up a rock and used it to dig a groove into the soft wood before he set to work trying to start the fire again. The grey built around his eyes as he moved, his hands scraping the wood faster as his eyes became lighter.
I watched him with fascination and for once the grey didn’t scare me as much. The shade of his eyes seemed to have a direct correlation to how much effort he was putting in. Usually, with fire practice, they were speckled but this time the grey was winning. His eyes were becoming lighter and his face was losing character again.
“It’s smoking. Sel, come here.”
I’d been so busy watching his face I hadn’t seen the tinder catching. I crawled toward him, shivering as the wind rushed past.
“Blow gently on the tinder. We nearly have an ember.”
His hands moved quickly, the friction causing smoke over the soft wood. I leaned close and breathed a puff of air.
“Gently,” he snapped.
The ember glowed orange and I continued until the sparks travelled down onto the tinder. Brayden placed a hand on my shoulder to push me away as he fed the flame himself. I sat back as he manipulated the tiny flames until they grew.
It had taken a long time before it was strong enough to be left alone. We both relaxed back, enjoying the warmth and the ability to actually see at night.
“I want to keep this fire going and tomorrow we can try fishing.”
I smiled at him as my eyes grew heavy and before long I fell into a warm sleep.
Brayden was already waist deep in the river when I woke, the tiny fire still burning. I placed a broken branch on the flame, panicking as it seemed to weaken the fire momentarily.
Brayden stretched his shadow back, using it as a slingshot to aim at fish.
“Having any luck?” I stood up.
He held a finger to his lips and winked as he waited for the right moment to strike. I couldn’t see past the surface but flinched as his shadow shot into the water. He cursed and pulled it back to his waist.
I moved closer and saw fish swimming around his ankles. “Maybe you could use your shadow as a net and I could help you round them up.”
"That's not a bad idea." He jumped from the water and walked further upstream, keeping his balance even when the mud bank slid from underneath him. I followed more cautiously, studying the fish as I moved. They were well sized and easy to spot.
“If you stand in the water with me, you can hold my shadow around that small nook.” He pointed.
The water was freezing but it felt somewhat soothing on my itchy ankle wound. I stretched the shadow into position and nodded to show I was ready. Brayden pulled his shadow back to cover the length of the stream and it wasn’t long before the first fish hit. I looked up with a smile but the fish quickly darted to the surface and swam over the shadow.
“Damn,” we spoke in unison.
“Another will come,” he said.
When the second fish landed, he quickly swept in and formed a semi-circle. “Move your loop closer.”
We managed to trap it between us as we shuffled toward the bank, and then he reached in and plucked the fish on his first swipe. I squealed with joy and we jumped into an embrace. The fish slipped from his hand in our moment’s distraction and landed on the muddy bank. It flipped on the ground, moving closer to the edge.
“No!” I dove over it and flattened it beneath my body, laughing as Brayden clapped.
I lifted my mud-stricken body and picked up the fish. "I can’t believe I just did that.”
He laughed as he took the fish and headed for the fire. “Now we just have to figure out ho
w to cook it.”
“We can heat rocks in the fire then cook on them.” I explained how I'd read about different techniques for cooking over a fire while Brayden gathered the necessary equipment from the forest around us. He used a stick to push stones into the flames then sat back to cut into the fish with a sharper stone.
“I’ll collect some berries.” I followed the curve of the river and picked as many as I could carry before making my way back.
Brayden had his back turned to me as he plucked dried leaves from the ground and added them to the fire. I reached a spot of sunlight and my foot fell too heavily. The berries dropped from my hand, scattering over the floor as I dropped into my shadow. I tried to cry out but it was too late, and Brayden hadn’t even seen me go.
I’d never passed like that before. I’d always been swallowed from front to back or back to front, never from the legs up.
The TV was on but the sound was distant, as though all my senses were dulled. I tried to move a leg but nothing happened and I couldn't talk. It was as though my mind wasn’t connected to my body. I was trapped. It was the middle of the night and the usual sound of nurses in the corridor weren't there. Panic built as I realised this was exactly what happened to Brayden on his final night. He'd made it back to his body but said it was hard to move and he couldn't speak.
It was like my body didn't belong to me. If someone had been there to touch me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to feel it. Claustrophobia took over and the more I tried to escape, the stronger the sense of being trapped became. Dread rose up. I needed to scream but I had no body to release it. It was almost like being buried alive, the world around me completely peaceful while I clawed at the box.
I’d never been more terrified in my life. It didn’t matter that I knew exactly what was happening; there was nothing I could do to stop it. My heart was growing weak and my organs would be failing. There was no pain but that didn’t make a speck of difference. I wasn’t ready to let go. The idea of never being able to see this world again made me think of all the things I loved about it. Life was never as perfect as when it was slipping away from you.
