by M. Merin
When I finish, he carries me back to bed and shares a look with Riley before kissing me goodbye.
“Thank you, Riley,” I smile over at her and hold the remote in her direction. “I’ve just been sleeping a ton, so you pick the shows.”
“You’re going to regret that!” she flashes her infectious smile at me. “Let me know when you get hungry, I brought food I can heat up.”
“I’ve heard you’re a killer cook,” I say, but then feel terrible. Not wanting her to think she has to invite us to her weekly dinners, especially since Vice is a fixture there.
She shrugs and looks embarrassed, understanding it’s best to let it drop. “OH! Deep Blue Sea! Have you seen this? I love it, do you mind?”
“I may jump a few times but that’s good. God forbid I ever make it to the coast though, between that and Jaws I’ll be scared when I’m still on the sand!” we share a smile as she starts the movie.
Having seen it before, we keep a pretty constant dialogue going during the whole thing. She picks an old Mark Wahlberg movie next but I drift off within the first few minutes.
When I peel my eyes open the next day, Russian is beside me and wakes up with a start. Once he makes sure I’m alright, he hands me my water bottle and lets me know Riley’s on the couch. “Gotta keep a closer eye on you, Betsy. Keep walking in on you sleeping next to Ol’ Ladies.” He smirks at me.
“Pervert,” I laugh at him. “You’re safe. You have a certain something they’re lacking.”
“Funny girl,” he says but pushes his semi-hard cock up against my ass.
“I’m worried, Artem.” I try to keep my voice calm. “I keep getting cramps. Can you call Dr. Forsythe’s service?”
“Anything too bad?” he asks and without hesitation reaches for his phone and puts the call on speaker.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know. I just don’t feel right.”
After getting through the prompts and talking to a nurse, they suggest we head to the hospital and assure us that Dr. Forsythe will meet us there. We both see the spots of blood as he helps me get off the bed. On the way, I’m surprised by a huge contraction and cry out. “I’m sorry. Oh, fuck, Artem.”
“No, sorries, Little Bit. You’re going to be fine. They’ll give you something and you’ll be fine.”
“No, no, no,” I can feel it. I can feel the loss of my baby. The rest of the ride, I just keep saying ‘Sorry’. Over and over. This is my fault. This must be my fault for all the shit I’ve done. I don’t deserve a baby now.
“Stay,” Russian says and I realize we’re in the hospital parking lot. He scrambles around to get me from my side of the truck and carries me inside, hollering at a panicked looking nurse. Once they realize that Forsythe has been notified of our arrival I’m immediately taken to a room. Russian never lets go of my hand.
Russian
I had only briefly met the doctor before. Once at Jake and Connal’s house and another time when I was running late for one of Betsy’s appointments. She nearly flies into the exam room, her eyes lock on me first and she almost looks confused.
“Betsy woke up about an hour ago with some cramping,” I say after she greets Betsy. A nurse had given me a wet cloth and I haven’t figured out if I’m annoying Betsy or helping her by continuously wiping her forehead. “Please, it’s our first, when we saw the blood I got her in right away.”
“Can you wait outside?” Dr. Forsythe asks as she gets her gloves on.
“NO!” We cry out simultaneously and Betsy grips my hand tighter.
“Alright, let’s just stay calm…” she says with a hand on Betsy’s belly as she looks between her leg. Betsy lets out the most awful sound and I see the doctor’s eyes turn into saucers before they dart to meet Betsy’s.
Suddenly blood splashes out of my Little Bit and her cry turns to a sob. I feel the air pulled out of my lungs when I realize what they already understand. There’s no saving this child.
I didn’t know how badly I wanted to be a father until this exact moment. I bend over, holding Betsy tight. Whatever I’m feeling doesn’t matter compared to her pain.
“I’m so sorry, Russian, I’m so…” she pulls me closer.
“Not your fault, Betsy. Look at me, no saying sorry. I need you to be alright, my sweet Little Bit. You hear me?” I kiss her over and over and whisper my love for her, my need for her. Even after the doctor and a nurse has finished up and leave us alone in the room.
“Artem?” Betsy grips my hair and looking into her eyes, I can see her broken heart. I think this goes way deeper than the child she gave up and I have no way to fix it. “What if I can’t…”
“Then we adopt. Did I tell you I’d give you a baby?” I ask her.
“Yes, but…”
“Hush. For now, you have me to love and to love you back. If it isn’t safe for you to carry a child, then I will move every mountain on this planet to find a baby for us to adopt.” My emotions feel like a wire that’s about to snap. I’m unable to keep my accent from the tone of my words and something shifts in her eyes when I speak of the love we have for each other. I cannot erase her pain but I will make her certain of my love. “I can’t lose you, Little Bit. That would be too much for me to bear.”
“You love me that much?” she asks timidly.
Nodding my head, I lean my lips to her ear and confess to murder. I hold her head in my hands and I describe to her the death of her step-brother and next, the laced opiate I gave her mother – a death sentence for not protecting her daughter. Betsy should know of the evil I destroyed in the name of my love for her.
I stop myself from telling her about the perfect little blond girl that I saw in the yard of her perfect little suburban house, kicking a soccer ball with her adopted father and cheering wildly when she ‘scored’. Of the woman standing on the porch, whose large smile turned into a frown when she saw me watching, perched on my hog a couple houses down. My helmet was on my head, so I had to exaggerate the movement of the nod I gave her before I rode away.
That news will be for another day but it’s too much for my Little Bit to take today.
A soft knock sounds on the door, giving me a second to kiss Betsy’s lips before the doctor returns. Dr. Forsythe explains what she knows so far and the tests that will be done and how she wants Betsy back in her office in a few days. She turns to me, thoroughly detailing what to expect and warning signs to look for before she provides me with her cell phone number.
“Because of Jake,” she whispers, “but I prefer that it isn’t shared.”
“Of course, and we really appreciate it.”
“Doctor?” Betsy speaks up. “Will I be able to have another child?”
“Let’s wait until your next appointment before I go into details. You are young and very healthy, but there are so many factors that can cause a miscarriage and the only thing I want you focused on is resting and healing, understand?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Betsy says and I can see her struggle to keep her eyes open after whatever it was that the doctor administered.
“Flint and Bree are waiting outside,” the doctor says next. “What would you like me to do?”
“Just give us a minute. I’ll go talk to them. Hey, thank you.” I have to force those words past my lips. There’s nothing to be thankful for today.
Chapter 11
Bree
Moments after the doctor leaves Betsy’s room for the second time, I start pacing. The need to plan and get moving is too strong. I have to do something and Flint understands that.
He’s seen me with his grandchildren as well as my nieces and nephews. One night we talked straight into the morning hours, about his kids when they were young and the ache inside of me at not being able to have my own child. He let me cry, which I hadn’t done since I was in the arms of my first husband.
Before I leave to get Betsy some of her things from their place, a red-faced Russian sticks his head out of the door. He immediately walks towards us and enfolds us in a hug.
“They gave her something, she’s resting,” his voice catches. “I didn’t really plan on it but she wanted my baby so fucking bad. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand until, fuck. I kept smelling the blood in there, Jesus fucking Christ. Betsy kept apologizing to me and I just want her…her to be alright.”
Flint pulls him closer until Russian stiffens up and passes a hand up over his face and through his hair. “Sorry.”
“Let it out with me, Brother. Bree’s going to go get some things for Betsy. When she’s released you two are coming to our house,” Flint waves a hand out when Russian starts to speak. “Betsy can’t handle the stairs right now and we’re heading out for our trip in a couple days so you’ll have privacy.”
“Thank you, Bree,” Russian nods to me. I squeeze his arm tightly before I head to the apartment to get Betsy’s things.
Once I’m there, I cry softly to myself as I move the boxes of baby gear into the walk-in closet and pack for her, belatedly realizing I should grab Russian’s things also. Next, I drive home to prepare the guest room and let Ragnar out before securing him in our room.
Goddamn it. Betsy didn’t deserve this.
But no one fucking does.
“Hey, Bree. How is she?” Riley picks up on the first ring.
“I haven’t seen her yet. I went by the apartment to pack a bag for them. They can stay here as long as they need,” I let her know. “I know you have that test coming up but was hoping you could put together some food they can just reheat?”
“Of course. I’ll work on it tonight and drop it off before I head to campus in the morning. Anything else you need? Do you want me to take Ragnar sooner? I mean, are you two still taking your trip?”
“Flint doesn’t want to take it off the table yet but I think we should delay it. I want to be around for Madda and Betsy. I know he’s planned it all year but there’s too much shit going on right now.” I sigh. “Let’s see how she and Ragnar get along, I may have you take him if he gets crazy.”
“Okay, call me if you need anything else,” Riley says before hanging up and I feel like a bitch for not checking on how she’s doing. It’s always hard on her when Gunner’s on the road, even though this trip is just supposed to be recon and meeting with the Savages.
Betsy
I’m numb everywhere. I try to remember to smile every time Artem looks at me.
Flint and Bree welcome us into their home. Their dog, Ragnar, doesn’t know what to make of us but Bree assures me he’ll settle down. I barely pay attention, all I want to do is go back to sleep. So I smile and nod until everyone leaves the room.
Everyone but Russian. My Artem, who loves me so much he butchered my step-brother and helped my mom overdose. I didn’t even know she was dead, although I had wished that fate on her many times.
Russian
Little Bit looks like a shell of herself. She smiles for me but I don’t think she realizes that tears are still streaming down her face. They have been ever since she woke up in the hospital.
Closing the bedroom door once Bree and Flint take their leave, I look back at her and she simply raises her arms for me. Kicking my boots off, I crawl in beside her and hold her as she cries. Neither of us speak. I don’t think she’s capable of it right now and I know there’s nothing I can say that will make her feel better.
*
There’s no sleep for me that night. Betsy thrashes about so I sing to her, trying to calm her down. I barely remember the songs my Baba would sing to me, but I try to fill in the words. Until it occurs to me that no one in their right mind should sing Tili Tili Bom to a child. The only other Russian lullaby I can think of isn’t much better, so I switch to Tom Petty songs. That guy knew music.
I get text messages from Emma and Amy offering their support over the coming days. I don’t know what to tell them. My need to care for my woman is unbalanced, knowing my Brothers are trying to deal with the Rejects and lives hang in the balance.
The Grizzlies’ California charter has their hands full right now but the Savages are joining Gunner and the others. As they damn well should. Turns out Jasper loaned Nomad and Madda out for recon as a favor to them, so it damn well is their turn to step up now.
“You haven’t slept,” Betsy’s soft voice comes to me near dawn.
“My Ol’ Lady needed me, that was more important,” I smile down at her.
“Were you singing to me or did I dream that?”
“I was trying to sing but I suck at it,” I admit. “And it turns out that Russian lullabies are terrifying, so I couldn’t fall asleep after those anyway.” I fake a shudder and get a small grin from her.
“Like how?” she asks.
“One of them involves a fucking creeper circling the house ready to take any child who’s awake. Another is about being eaten by a wolf.”
“No! Come on!” her smile grows.
“I shit you not. I’ll translate it – and remember, I can’t sing:
Sleep sleep sleep
Don’t lie too close to the edge of the bed
Or the little grey wolf will come
And grab you by the flank
Drag you into the woods
Underneath the willow root”
“You just made that up!” Betsy squeals, leaning closer to me.
“I swear on the MC, it’s called Bayu Bayushki Bayu.”
“No offense to your heritage, but no Russian lullabies when the baby comes…” Betsy speaks without thinking and her face falls once her words register.
“When the next baby comes, there will be NO Russian lullabies. Otherwise, our child will have to check under my bed for monsters before I fall asleep,” I try to cheer her again but know that moment has passed and it’s time to talk.
“I lost our baby.” She says, quickly lifting a finger to my lips when I would speak. “I lost our baby and I can’t stop crying. I can’t pretend that I’ll ever be whole. I’m thankful that we’re here because I can hide for a few days. I don’t mind Bree and Flint, but I don’t want the others coming and going, trying to cheer me up.
“Because they can’t. Not one person can take away my pain.” Her arms tighten around me. “But I want to know how you are. You don’t have to answer me right now, but while I’m the one who everyone is going to pity for the next month or so, I know I’m not the only one who lost this baby.”
“You’re the only thing I’ve focused on, Little Bit, so I can’t answer that yet. I want a headstone though, a marker that maybe we can put on the club grounds. Is that…”
She leans up to kiss my lips, “That’s perfect.”
“I’ve gotten texts from Emma and Amy, and Riley is stopping by with food for us. I’ll talk to Bree and let her know you want to be left alone for now.”
“I love you, Artem,” Betsy whispers with a shaky voice.
Betsy
Bree treats me like a roommate over the next week. She asks me for help around the place or to keep an eye on Ragnar in the backyard and I’ll never be able to tell her how much I appreciate it. Nor that I know she’s keeping a close eye on me when she thinks I’m not paying attention.
No matter how fast I use the Kleenex, there’s always a fresh box waiting for me. The bins in the bathroom and bedroom are always emptied of that evidence also. Several times she’s opened the front door and stepped outside to speak with unexpected guests, rather than letting them in to express their condolences.
Two days after Russian and I moved in, she had Madda moved into a smaller bedroom that once belonged to Flint’s son. I had to leave the room the first time I saw his back without bandages, gagging repeatedly as I ran to the bathroom. Those fuckers did a number on him like I couldn’t imagine, until I stop to think of what Artem did to my step-brother.
Russian comes to pick me up to take me to my appointment with Dr. Forsythe. Her belief that I can still conceive and carry a child is a huge relief to me. My Ol’ Man groans like a spoiled child when he’s told how long we should wait before f
ucking again. When she turns her back to us, I lick my lips slowly so he’ll know I’ll take care of him in the meantime.
I’m barely paying attention on the ride home but I notice when Russian makes a turn off, pulling up at one of the town’s scenic look out points. Coming around to my side, he carries me to a seat and holds me on his lap.
“I always thought it was a little silly how Gunner keeps Riley in his arms or on his lap, but I could really get used to this, Artem.” I get a little laugh from him before he takes a deep breath.
“I got you pregnant without giving our possible child any thought. You told me you wanted a baby, so that’s what I was going to give you…hush, now Betsy, I get to talk.
“I was excited when it happened as fast as it did but more than anything, I loved seeing you so happy. Still wasn’t thinking about what the baby would be like – other than a girl or a boy. The night we lost it, I laid in bed thinking about it. We’re both blond, so that was a no brainer. But who’s eyes? Who’s smile? Tall or short? But most of all was how much I would have loved to see him or her grow up. How good a mother you would be to that little child. You would never turn your back on her or choose a drug over him.” Russian’s voice cracks and he stops speaking for a moment.
“Now, whether we have our own child or we adopt, this is something I’ve finally thought through and I want to not just make a baby with you, but to raise a really cool person. You wanted to know what I was feeling? I understand how devastating this loss is for you and the morning after that happened, you asked ME if I was alright. You are my perfect match, Little Bit, and if I’m not yours now, I’ll become the exact man you need.”
“There’s not one thing about you I’d want to change.” I turn in his arms and wrap my arms and legs around him, holding him tight. “No one could love me the way you do.”
“Um, just ignore that…” Artem whispers, trying to shift his hard cock away from my body.
