by Teasi Cannon
Restitution isn't just saying, “I'm sorry” (often a dutifully quipped selfish statement that's main purpose is often to make us feel better); it's more. It's actually asking someone to forgive us, which reveals that we own up to our own guilt. And it puts the control (choice whether to forgive or not) into someone else's hands. This requires a lot of humility on our part. It requires that we become far more concerned with pleasing God than worrying about our own reputation or about how someone is going to react to us. God wants us to make things right with people. Look at what Jesus says in Matthew:
Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23–24)
God blesses our willingness to take responsibility for our own offenses. Remember what God says He will give us when we are humble? His grace. And His grace is amazingly powerful.
With restitution, we become willing to admit to others where we have failed them. We become willing to confess the wrongs we have committed, no matter how large or small. It may be that my friend is 98 percent wrong in a matter, but I am 100 percent responsible for my 2 percent. Before God, I must do my part.
To go before those I've wronged (my parents, my husband, my children, my pastor, and any others) and ask them—without bringing up one single thing they've done wrong—if they can forgive me for hurting them. And being willing to walk away peacefully no matter the response.
CONTAGIOUS GRACE
Quite often there is a wonderful cycle that is created by restitution. The humility it takes for us to ask for forgiveness has a sort of disarming effect on others, prompting humility in them. Many times I've gone to someone to ask for forgiveness only to be met with the same request from him or her.
Me: “Will you forgive me?”
Him: “Yes, and will you forgive me?”
I believe this happens because of the grace God promises to pour out on us when we are humble. That precious
grace is powerful enough to spread from us over into the hearts of those around us, and that's when it gets amazing.
If you want to try something really amazing, try getting on your knees before a teenager you've offended and ask for forgiveness. I've done this with my daughter several times. There's nothing quite as amazing as seeing her walls fall down as she sees that I'm willing to admit my faults. It builds trust.
WHEN RESTITUTION ISN'T BEST
Now, there is wisdom to be used in this restitution thing. For example, you would never want to go to someone you've secretly disliked for several years and say, “Pam, I've never liked you. In fact, you've bugged the tar out of me. I know that's wrong of me, and I'd like to ask for your forgiveness.” For some reason, I don't see this one going very well. I don't think Pam is going to be at all humbled by the experience. In fact, things will probably get worse.
Before we ever go to anyone with restitution in mind we must pray, pray, pray. We must be sure that it is Holy Spirit-led, with no wrong motivations. It's a great plan to pass the idea by some mature Christian friends just to make sure you're not about to make a huge mistake.
When it's done right, it makes the devil so mad because it restores health to our hearts and relationships in families and churches. And it's the enemy's prime objective to destroy all of that. Let's ruin his plan.
PRAYER OF A VERY THANKFUL HEART
Oh, Precious Jesus,
Thank You does not come close to being the right thing to say for all You have done for me. Your mercy. Your grace. Your forgiveness. They are gifts I know I don't deserve. Your willingness to be broken in every way so that I could be whole is incomprehensible. Words are too feeble to express the praise and honor You deserve.
Holy Spirit, I thank You for taking me on the journey of a life-time. For tenderly holding my hand and revealing so much truth to me—truth that sets me free. Please never, ever stop. I trust You with my heart completely and give You permission to invade it with Your light. I want to see every blind spot.
And heavenly Father, thank You for forgiving me for all the yucky pride in my heart. For all the judgment and condemnation I cast upon my brothers and sisters in Christ. Please convict me quickly if they ever return. I am so sorry, Lord. I know it grieves Your heart when Your children don't love each other well.
Thank You for my parents. I adore them and ask You to bless them for all the years they put up with my blindness. Thank You for all the people You have put in my life. Each one of them has contributed to who I am today.
Thank You for the gift of forgiveness—receiving it and giving it. Thank You—even though it hurts—for the mental torturers, for their blows pushed me closer to You. Only You would know that it would work that way.
I love You. I surrender to You completely.
Amen
WHAT ABOUT YOU? FACING FORGIVENESS
As you reflect on your daily life, do you feel like you ever deal with “the torturers”? If so, which ones (bitterness, self-pity, entitlement, or others): __________________________________________________
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If you answered “yes” to number one (and you'd be angelic if you didn't), do you think there might be someone you haven't quite forgiven all the way? Maybe a parent, a friend, leader at church, a former boyfriend? Who?
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How do you think it would change your life if you became willing to let God take your hand and lead you through the full trek of forgiveness? ______________________________________________
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As you reflect further, do you think you've built up sinful defense mechanisms as a result of your pain? For example, because I had a fear of abandonment, I became very possessive and jealous of my friends. I wasn't responsible for the wound, but jealousy is a sin. Do you see anything like this at work in your life? If so, briefly describe:
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After reading chapter 8, do you think there is anyone you might need to ask for forgiveness? Who? _________________________________
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If you answered “yes” to number five, what would keep you from asking for forgiveness? ______________________________________
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PEP TALK: WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
I don't know
about you, but when I have to take difficult steps, it helps me to know I'm not the only one on the journey. This process of forgiving others and asking for our own forgiveness is not a simple pleasure walk down easy street. It's not for the faint of heart, and it's not a solitary venture. We're all on this road trip. We all need mercy.
There is not a single person exempt from needing forgiveness. Every single one of us has failed someone else—most likely many times. And we've all been failed. This is part of the circle of life. (Can you hear The Lion King sound track?) With this in mind, don't let the enemy of your soul condemn or shame you for any part of your process. That is his tactic to try to keep you from experiencing the blessing and life that will come as you press through. Keep your eyes focused on our heavenly Father, all the while receiving as much of His love as you can. Before you know it, you'll be standing at the finish line amazed that you were able to run that race.
FORWARD FOCUS: MERCY
Genesis 39:21—But the LORD was with Joseph and showed him mercy, and He gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison.
Exodus 20:6—But showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
Numbers 14:18—The Lord is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.
Psalm 6:2—Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
Psalm 13:5—But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
Psalm 86:15—But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.
Psalm 103:8—The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
Isaiah 49:10—They shall neither hunger nor thirst, neither heat nor sun shall strike them; for He who has mercy on them will lead them, even by the springs of water He will guide them.
Romans 11:31—Even so these also have now been disobedient, that through the mercy shown you they also may obtain mercy.
1 Peter 1:3—Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
Jude 1:2—Mercy, peace, and love be multiplied to you.
NINE
UNFINISHED BUSINESS
I just love the changing of the seasons, don't you? Especially that magical time of year when spring turns the corner into summer and women everywhere prepare themselves for a very important event: finding out if the bathing suit still fits.
And even more fun is opening day at the pool—the day a gal finally gets to strut her stuff (stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in months) for all the neighbors to enjoy. Even though it's wonderful to feel all those eyes on me (not!), I usually like to stay put on my lounge chair reading in the sun. Of course my kids always want me to get in the pool, and I humor them here and there. But I pay the price. Shortly after I get out of the water, my body dries off just enough for my thighs to take on the qualities of double-sided tape, sticking together ever so securely. And swim shorts don't make it any better because they just rise above the stickiness and bunch up at the top of my legs. Lovely.
I'm sure you can tell that bathing suits aren't my favorite attire, but I have to say I owe quite a lot to one special swimsuit. A swimsuit I bought on a special weeklong getaway with Bill.
THE PLAN AND THE PLAN
Now before I tell you about the magical bathing suit of wonders, I need to give some background information. Bill and I had set out on this trip to South Carolina in order to attend a weeklong training seminar on helping people deal with wounded hearts and to sneak in some alone time. We were very excited about our plan to learn some helpful information, while at the same time getting some moments on the beach and several date nights.
Trainer had plans for our trip as well.
TRAINER: Do you think there's going to be time for you to get some prayer for yourself at this conference?
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Of course. There will be lots of prayer time.
TRAINER: Good, because you definitely need it.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: What do you mean?
TRAINER: You are well aware of what I mean. You've got to get help with your fat problem. Someone needs to help you figure out why you can't lose weight.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
TRAINER: It just doesn't make any sense to me that you can be getting all “healed up” (air quotes) in so many ways, yet stay so dang fat. There's got to be a deeply hidden problem with you. Something is very wrong. You definitely need prayer.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: You're right.
HIDDEN AGENDA
So a trip that started out with a focus on learning how to help others suddenly became all about me. It's kind of like being a perpetual single bridesmaid at a wedding: Even though you're celebrating a friend's blessing, all you can think about is catching that silly bouquet. Surely this will be your lucky day. Perhaps you might actually meet your Prince Charming.
I couldn't keep my developing agenda hidden for long. For much of our drive to the beach, Bill was informed of my plans for a profound personal breakthrough—the one I had been waiting for all my life. I just knew God was going to reveal the final key to my weight issues, and I would return home a woman with a new metabolism. I could already see myself strutting around in my new skinny jeans, the talk of the town. I was eager for the sessions to begin.
HOLDING MY BREATH
At the end of our first wonderful day of training, the time for personal prayer finally arrived. The men and women all broke off into smaller groups, each with its own leader. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to share my prayer request.
Once my group had found a quiet spot, we all sat in a circle and waited on our leader to start the prayers. A quick assessment of the group told me it would be wise for me to contain myself and allow someone else to go first. I didn't want to appear overly needy and turn everyone off right from the start. After all, I needed these people. I was desperate for their insight. A good first impression was essential.
After forcing myself to stay quiet through two other prayer requests (saying “Yes, Lord” at all the appropriate times so as not to appear preoccupied), I finally decided to speak up. I let it all out. In my best “emotionally healthy” voice, I told those women about all the healing I'd been experiencing—healing that had changed my life in every way but one. I still could not lose weight, and because of that I just didn't feel whole.
With as much empathy as they could offer (each woman in my group was thin), they circled around me and began to pray. The prayers were sweet, yet mighty. I held my breath waiting for the moment I'd been anticipating—the moment when my body would be miraculously zapped with a new genetic code (which I would be aware of due to the tingling sensation that would surely accompany this type of transformation).
The last prayer was spoken, and…nothing. I felt nothing. But, I told myself it might just take a few days, and lucky for me there were four days left before I had to leave. Surely they'd get their prayers right by then.
STILL NOTHING
The next three days were basically the same as the first, other than the growing feeling of frustration I sensed in my prayer partners. I've sure got to hand it to them; they truly gave it their best prayers, and listening to me drone on and on about my issue couldn't have been their idea of fun.
But nothing was changing. Nothing. Each night at dinner I still found myself desiring dessert (an urge that would surely disappear as a result of my new healing, don't you think?). I still ate every bite of food on my plate, and I still felt fat.
NOT MY IDEA OF FUN
Even though the days weren't turning out to be what I was hoping, Bill and I did get to spend some sweet time together. We walked on the beach and drove around town discussing God's go
odness and the new things we were learning. Things weren't all bad. Especially for Bill.
Bill's favorite part of our trip was the inviting pool area our hotel offered. It was surrounded by a lazy river and had an adjacent hot tub (heaven on earth for him) all facing directly out on the ocean. It was pretty cool.
One night after donning his swimsuit and strutting his stuff (stuff that hadn't changed a bit since the day we were married), Bill asked me to come with him down to the hot tub—the last thing in the world I had planned on for the evening. All I really wanted to do was climb into my large sweat pants and under the covers. So, although it was hard to resist the puppy-dog eyes he was giving, I told him I was just too tired. With a pout he kissed my cheek and headed to water wonderland without me.
TRAINER AND THE HUMILIATION SUIT
The next night Bill tried again. Nearly begging this time, Bill asked me to come with him to the hot tub. Knowing that I was his best friend, and feeling guilt at the thought of Bill floating in pathetic isolation, I agreed.
Digging under everything else in my suitcase, I finally found it…my humiliation suit (bathing suit to others). I hated that stretchy black fabric with its mocking polka dots. Even so, I grabbed it and headed toward the bathroom. (Can you hear the polka dots laughing their heads off already?) I knew who would be waiting for me there. Trainer.
TRAINER: Well, hello. Don't tell me you're actually thinking of going down to the pool.
FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I have to. Bill begged me.
TRAINER: For the life of me, I can't imagine why he'd want to be seen with you. I mean, he's got a perfect body and you…well, you don't.
