by Maisey Yates
She was sure that he excused that behavior by telling himself he was out of the habit. But more and more she was certain that he simply didn’t feel worthy. Of being comfortable, of being home. Of being alive.
It made her ache. Made her desperate to show him what she saw. Not an animal, but a man.
But it struck her just then how much she did the same. She discounted things that she wanted for the comfort of others. Logan was paying some kind of back tax on past sins, while she had been doing everything in her power to earn approval in the present.
And like him, she had stolen things from herself. Experiences, desire.
Well, she wasn’t doing it now. Tonight, she was simply going to take what she wanted. Tonight, she was simply Addison. Not Jason Treffen’s daughter, not Austin Treffen’s sister.
She was simply her. Simply a woman who wanted a man. The prospect of that thrilled her. Sent a shock of nerves and need straight down to her core.
And suddenly the rules didn’t matter at all. Whether she broke four, or forty, of them.
Tonight, she had a feeling she would break all of them.
Logan looked at her, the expression on his face tinged with regret. “I don’t have condoms. I have no reason to have them.”
She swallowed hard. “Well, that’s not a problem, is it?”
“I felt an apology was in order, since the need for condoms outweighs the need for discretion.” Logan picked up his cell phone and pushed a button. “I need condoms,” he said, “my floor, my suite.”
Heat washed over her. “I see what you mean,” she said, turning away from him, clasping her hands in front of her.
He moved behind her and gripped her wrists, tugging her against him. “Second thoughts?” he asked, kissing her neck.
“No,” she said, “just…well, everyone will know. It’s hard to break twenty-two years of habits. And being discreet is very important for Treffens.”
“One staff member will know. And I pay for discretion.”
“Austin will kill you,” she said.
His breath was warm on her neck, sending goose bumps over her skin. “I’m not afraid to die.”
“No,” she said, looking at the fierce light in his eyes, “I imagine you aren’t.”
“And some things,” he said, tracing the line of her jaw with his forefinger, “are worth the risk.”
“I am?” she asked.
“No question.”
“Why?” She despised the needy question as soon as it left her lips. Despised how much it revealed. But she had done nothing for Logan beyond irritating him, and causing panic attacks. She couldn’t fathom why he had chosen her. Because she had spent so many years trying to get her father to notice her, trying to do right by him, trying to make herself worthy in his eyes. And she had never managed it. Having someone want her when she had added no discernible value to his existence stunned her, confused her.
“Feeling, desire are privileges that I will never take for granted again. It’s easy to deny yourself when there’s nothing you want. And then there was you, Addison. I wanted you from the moment I saw you. It’s like waking up. That’s the kind of thing you take a risk for. That’s the kind of thing you take, even when you know you don’t deserve it.”
She tried to turn and face him, but he held her firm. “Why would you think you’re unworthy of me?”
He put his hand on her cheek, letting his fingertips drifting slowly down the line of her neck. “How can I touch you? How could I possibly touch you, and how could you let me, knowing where my hands have been? Knowing what they have done?”
“Because.” Such a stupid answer. A nonanswer. But it expressed what she was feeling. She had no doubts about him, about this. No matter what he had done, she didn’t believe he was the monster that he thought he was. She tried again, searching for eloquence. “Because your life didn’t start there, and it didn’t end there. But you are letting it. And it has to stop. We need to change Logan.”
“I fear that’s just an excuse I’m giving myself.”
“I know what it’s like to do things to please other people. To do things out of a sense of obligation. And you have to trust me that this isn’t that. I want this. And you telling me how much you don’t deserve me disrespects the choice that I’m making. Don’t I deserve to make a choice? To do something without being told it’s wrong? To want something just for me? This isn’t about your speech, or you going out. What happens here is just between us. And you can exorcise whatever demons you need to. I’ll be fighting my own.”
There was a knock at the door. Very bad timing. Or maybe, considering what it was, it was good timing. Because undoubtedly they would need what was being delivered.
A little dose of virginal nerves kicked in. Honestly they were dealing with such an unusual situation she really didn’t need to be grappling with this too.
As far as she went, it was time for this. Past time. It’d probably only ever been put off because Eddie had been so devoted to staying in her father’s good graces. She had only stayed with Eddie for that exact same reason.
She was grateful for that now. Not so much for the fact that she could see clearly now her life had been run entirely by the men in it. But because this was better. An attraction worth waiting for. A desire worthy of being first.
She stayed where she was, rooted to the spot. She didn’t want to run. She’d gone too far too turn back now. But she wasn’t really feeling ready to make the first move either.
He opened the door and she looked away, not wanting to make eye contact with whichever employee was providing the protection. Silly, she’d been all brazen last night. She hadn’t cared at all if the woman who had brought dinner had believed they were lovers. Of course, now that they were actually going to be lovers she was embarrassed.
Not of him. Never of him. The man was a trophy. Any woman would be proud to have snared him, even for a moment. It was just that there had always been undertones in her house. Slight comments here and there about the way women were supposed to act, about the way they were meant to interact with men.
All of this was reflected in her relationship with Eddie. She hadn’t realized it until just now, but, her virginity was in many ways a prize. A bargaining chip, an incentive. Her father hadn’t been about to let Eddie have any milk for free. He had absolutely been expected to buy the cow.
The cow being her.
Given that, it was difficult for her to feel anything but slightly uncomfortable with an employee delivering contraceptives for a very obvious purpose.
She heard the door close again, saw Logan stride back toward her. Leaving his jacket and the box of condoms on the couch.
Then he approached her again, his eyes intent on hers. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pinning her hands behind her back, holding her tight.
“Kiss me,” he said, a command.
She stretched up on her toes and pressed her lips to his, heat consuming her completely when he opened his mouth and slid his tongue along hers. She deepened it, opened to him, pressed her breasts against his chest, trying to assuage the ache between her thighs.
He tangled his fingers in her hair, curled his hands into fists at the back of her head. “Kiss me like you mean it.”
She grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him against her, his fingers still laced through her hair, applying firm but gentle pressure as she pressed her mouth to his again. As he tugged harder, and she fought against him, kissing him deeper, even as he tried to pull her away.
She had no idea why the slight sting of pain served to heighten her pleasure. Had no idea why she craved more. Of everything he had to offer. She liked that she couldn’t predict what he was going to do next. That he had the control. That it was all wrenched from her but not used against her.
In life she had no control, but there was no redemption in the pain. With Logan there was a balance. With Logan, there was a reward.
And the most important thing was that she trusted him. With this, she trusted him. With
him, she didn’t need to modify herself, didn’t need to contort herself into some plastic doll that could be dressed up and put on show. Someone who was more valuable as a display item than as a human being.
There were no rules here. There were no walls.
He tugged the zipper on her dress, and it fell, pooling at her feet, leaving her in nothing but her bra and panties. Black, plain. Not designed for seduction, but somehow she didn’t care. Because she knew he would like it. Because she knew that he wanted her. Her and no other woman. That she was the one who brought this out in him.
And no matter how much control she gave him, she wielded her own.
He pulled his mouth away from hers, his dark eyes glittering in the dim light as he looked at her. “I want to touch you,” he said. “Everywhere.”
“As it so happens,” she said, her voice shaky, “I want to do the same.”
Logan had already admitted that he hadn’t touched a woman since he got back from the island. That his last experience with human contact had been trying to stanch the flow of Kelly’s blood. Had been when he’d helped release her from this world.
He hadn’t touched a woman in years. But what she was mindful of now was that no one had touched him either. A man who was still marooned in many ways. And she wanted to give that to him. Wanted to make him feel even a fraction of what he made her feel.
He made her feel okay. As though what she felt was okay. As though what she wanted was right. He made her feel like herself. And she owed him the same.
She took a deep breath, her legs unsteady as she sank to the couch.
She looked up, watched as he unbuttoned his shirt, slowly. Methodically. Only a slight tremor in his hand, and the shallowness of his breathing betrayed what he was feeling.
He shrugged the shirt from his shoulders and onto the floor, his hands going to his belt, then pausing. He searched her gaze, waiting for something.
She put her hands over his and started to fumble with the belt, and Logan curved his lips as he lowered her hands and took control. He pushed his pants partway down his thighs and freed his erection.
She’d seen pictures of naked men before. But typically not erect men. Typically she was looking at art texts. Occasionally she got a rogue email that contained pictures a bit more explicit than she would normally seek out. But those limited bits of experience had not prepared her for seeing a naked man in person. Especially a man like Logan.
She hadn’t anticipated just how beautiful she would find him. Which seemed silly when she thought about it. Because every bit of his body she’d seen up until now had taken her breath away. Why should this be any different?
She lifted her hand, ready to touch him. More than ready to touch him.
“Stop,” he said, his voice rough.
She froze. “What?” she asked
“I don’t trust myself. I’m unstable at best. And when I don’t have control over a situation, I can be very unpredictable.”
Addison sucked in a deep breath. “Yes, I am aware of that.”
He reached down and cupped her cheek, sliding his hand back slipping fingers through her hair. “Yes, I know you do. And I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Do you honestly think you might?”
“I don’t know,” he said, his voice raw. “I’ve grown so accustomed to things being cold. To silent things. To empty spaces. You are none of those. And I am not sure if I can control myself with you.”
“Then don’t.”
“Addison, I don’t think you know what you’re saying.”
Anger spiked in her chest, because suddenly she was tired. Tired of being told she didn’t know what she wanted. Tired of being treated like a secondary character in everyone else’s life. Surely she was more important than that. Surely what she wanted mattered.
Surely no one had the right to tell her she didn’t know what she wanted. “I know exactly what I’m saying. I know exactly who you are. That’s why you need me. Because I know, because you don’t scare me. Because I won’t let you hide. You weren’t out of control when she died.”
“Addison, don’t—”
“You weren’t. And you know it. Perhaps it’s much more comforting to think that you were. But you made a choice, surely one that was informed by emotional trauma, sleep deprivation, dehydration. Pain. But she asked you to make a choice, and you did. You weren’t enraged, you weren’t out of control. You didn’t do it to hurt her, and you won’t hurt me now.”
“I don’t deserve your trust.”
“But you have it.”
He hesitated, a feral light glinting in his eye. That of a wounded animal who couldn’t decide whether he should flee or pounce.
The strange thing was, she hoped he would pounce.
Suddenly he moved, fluid, the strength evident in every line of his body. “Now, I’m sure I don’t deserve this.” He cupped her chin and tilted her face up. “But I am going to take it.”
Strange that she wasn’t nervous. How could she be? He would tell her what to do next. Her stomach twisted, anticipation making it difficult to breathe. But that was different than nerves. Different than fear.
“Oh yes,” he said, his breath hissing through his teeth. “Addison, do you know how long it’s been… You’re so warm.” He reached up and cupped her face, his fingers buried in her hair. “You’re so warm.”
She stretched up, curling her fingers around his length. He was hot and hard, smoother than she’d anticipated a man being. So much better than she’d imagined.
She squeezed him gently and he closed his eyes, his hand rising up, fingers buried in her hair.
Yes. This was what she wanted. Everything she wanted. And he knew it. He just knew. More than that, it mattered to him. When had what she wanted mattered to anyone? Never. And certainly never like this.
Him. She wanted him. She wanted this moment to explore all of him, have all of him. To dam the walls that had been built up so high and strong around her in the interest of making sure she was everything a Treffen socialite should be.
Never mind who she was. Never mind what she wanted.
Well, not anymore. Not now.
She took one hand off his arousal and touched his abs with the tips of her fingers, before laying her palm flat across his heated skin. He was beautiful. Every inch.
“So are you.” She marveled at him, at his beauty, at his strength.
“I don’t have the right to ask for what I want,” he said, his words tight, as if he was having trouble speaking.
“But I know what it is.” She leaned in, flicking her tongue over the head of his erection, nerves making her stomach flutter. But that only lasted for a moment. “Let me give you what you want. Let me give you what you’re afraid to ask for.”
He tightened his grip on her hair, and she could feel him desperately clinging to his fraying control. A thrill shot through her, overtaking the nerves, overtaking everything. He wanted this. He wanted her. More than anyone ever had. Because this was the closest she’d ever come to truly being herself.
Pleasure uncurled in her stomach. A sense of freedom, confidence, she’d never experienced before flooding her.
She slid her hand down his shaft and took him in deeper, gratified by the harsh groan that seemed to come from deep inside him. And she relished her power. Relished his flavor. Everything about him. She wanted him, wanted this, so deeply she could hardly believe she’d ever thought she didn’t care about sex. That it was something she could simply wait for until her ineffectual boyfriend gave her a ring.
How could that be true when she was sure she would die if she didn’t have more of him? If she didn’t have all of him?
She could feel his muscles trembling beneath her hands, could feel him moving closer to the edge.
He tugged her away, a light pain prickling over her scalp, sending sparks along her veins and down low. “Not like that,” he said, his voice rough. “Someday. But not today. Four years, Addison. I need to be inside you when I come.”<
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That was what she wanted too. And she wanted to tell him so. But the words stuck in her throat. So she just nodded.
He untangled his fingers from her hair and took her hand in his, tugging her to her feet and wrapping his arms around her, kissing her fiercely as he unhooked her bra, as he pushed her panties down her thighs.
She didn’t have time to be nervous. Didn’t have time to second-guess.
He put his hand between her legs and white-hot pleasure streaked through her, his fingers moving over her clitoris before he pushed one inside her. And she felt herself getting closer to the edge. So close she could feel herself starting to shake.
“Not yet, baby,” he said. “With me.”
She allowed him to guide her down to the couch, the velvet fabric soft beneath her bare skin. He positioned himself between her thighs, his eyes intent on hers, his whole body shaking. But now with nerves, she recognized, with barely leashed control.
“Don’t worry. I’m not afraid.” She kept her eyes on his, never breaking the connection. “You can let go.”
He reached past her, grabbed the box of condoms and tore it open, taking out one packet. She looked over her shoulder and watched as he rolled the protection over his hard length.
He put his hand back between her thighs, a sharp breath hissing through his teeth. “So soft, so wet.” A heavy sigh escaped her lips as his wicked fingers took her to the edge of a cliff, higher than she’d ever been before. This wasn’t an arousal as she knew it. This wasn’t a desire as she’d ever known it could be. This wasn’t her, not the her she’d always known. And she was grateful for that. Was desperate to find out what was on the other side of this. Was desperate to discover the woman she would find on the other side of this.
He reached up to cup her breasts, tease her nipples, moving his hands over her curves, as though all this were as new for him as it was for her. As though he were touching a woman for the first time, as she was being touched for the first time.
He moved his hand down her bottom, cupping her, gently guided her hips upward. “Spread your legs,” he said, his voice rough. An outward sign for her of just how hard-won any of his control was. “In my fantasies, I took my time with this. When I dreamed of you, I dreamed of spending hours exploring your body. And I will. But I can’t now, Addison. I can’t. I need you. I need this.”
