‘Eve, please,’ he said. ‘Think about it carefully. You don’t have to give up work. You don’t have to change your career plan. I’ve brought up two children alone and I was a consultant at thirty-two. You can do it, if it’s really so important to you.’
‘It is! It’s who I am, Hugh. I love being a doctor, but my baby—my baby…’
She started to cry again, huge racking sobs, and with a muttered curse Hugh scooped her up and carried her back inside her apartment where they’d have more privacy, kicking the door shut and sitting with her, rocking her against his chest while she cried and cried and cried.
‘Why couldn’t he love me?’ she sobbed. ‘Why couldn’t he be proud of me? Why couldn’t he be like you are with your kids? Why did he have to hate me?’
‘I don’t believe he hated you. Maybe he just couldn’t talk about his feelings. Lots of people can’t. And maybe he was just too unwell. How long was he ill?’
She sniffed and found a tissue in her hand, and scrubbed at her nose. ‘Um—years, really. He had a bad heart. And Andrew didn’t help. He was a bit of a wild child—he wasn’t as bad as he led them to believe, or he would be dead by now, but he got into a bad crowd, and—he was awful. And Dad couldn’t deal with it. I spent years mediating, keeping the peace, stopping them all from killing each other. I went to bed every night with screaming ringing in my ears, and it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t change it. All I wanted was for him to tell me that he loved me, and for my mother to be happy, but she was stuck at home with us, and she hated it. I can’t imagine anything worse than being trapped like she was, expected to run the home and deal with all the flak—’
‘That’s what this is all about, isn’t it?’ he cut in, his voice quietly incredulous. ‘It’s nothing to do with a deathbed promise, and if it is, it shouldn’t be. You’re a good doctor, an excellent doctor, and if your father wasn’t proud of you, then he didn’t deserve you. But I do, Eve. I love you. I’m proud of you, and you won’t have me. Why? Are you afraid to marry me because you don’t want to live with my kids?’
She shrugged helplessly, not sure any longer what she did feel. So much—too much to tell one fear from another. She felt the panic rising and struggled out of his lap, walking to the window, wrapping her arms around her waist to hold herself together. ‘I don’t know. I couldn’t bear to end up like my mother, trapped in the house with a teenage monster—’
‘But my kids aren’t monsters, Eve. You like them, and they love you. I love you. And I wouldn’t expect you to stay at home and look after my children. They don’t need that. They haven’t had a mother for eleven years. Why would they need one now?’
She turned, and found him right behind her, his eyes warm and sincere and loving. Did she dare to believe him? ‘You’d allow me to carry on working?’ she said cautiously.
‘Allow?’ He gave a strained little laugh. ‘Of course I’d allow you to carry on working—unless you decided not to. But it would be your choice. Everything about your career would be your choice. Even if you wanted to go away and continue your training in another hospital, we’d get round it.’
‘And—the baby?’
‘We’ll deal with it. We’ll set up some child-care arrangements that fit in with whatever suits us. We could have a nanny—the house is big enough—or we could move. Whatever. The baby won’t suffer. We’ll make sure of it, and my kids love you. We could make it work, Eve. We could.’
She sucked in a huge breath.
‘You make it sound so easy.’
He shook his head, his laugh this time a little rueful. ‘Oh, no, Eve, it won’t be easy, but we’ll manage, because we love each other, and we’ll love the baby, and we’ll cope, because as long as we have each other, that’s all that matters.’
‘And you wouldn’t feel trapped? You were trapped before, when Jo got pregnant—’
He shook his head emphatically. ‘No. No, I wasn’t trapped. I loved Jo desperately. We needed to be together. We were two halves of a whole, and I was lost without her. I never thought I’d love like that again, but I was wrong. I do, and being with you could never be a trap, Eve. Never.’
She stared at him for ages, unable to believe what he was saying, reading his eyes until finally, at last, she was able to trust what she could see there.
Her hand slid down over her baby, and tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks. ‘I was never going to have a termination,’ she said softly. ‘I didn’t know what I was going to do, but that was never on the cards.’
‘But—I thought…’
She shook her head and smiled. ‘No, you assumed. You were afraid for the baby, and you assumed that was what I was going to do. I couldn’t have done it. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but that didn’t even enter my head.’
‘But—Sam said…’ He trailed off, stabbed his fingers through his hair and laughed a little wildly. ‘No. Sam said I was jumping to conclusions. I just assumed—you’re right. And for the record, I was afraid for you as well as the baby. I thought it would destroy you.’
She nodded sadly. ‘It would, which is why it was never an option. But I didn’t know what on earth I was going to do.’
‘And now?’
She summoned a smile, albeit a wobbly one. ‘Now, if you really meant it, I’ll marry you. I love your kids, too, and I know they’re good kids. I was just panicking, afraid of being trapped like my mother, and I hadn’t even realised that was at the bottom of it. I was just running, but not any more. I love you, Hugh. I can’t imagine life without you—if you’ll have me.’
And her smile became all wobbly, and the tears cascaded down her cheeks, and with a choked laugh he pulled her into his arms and cradled her against his chest and kissed away the tears, his lips finding hers and clinging to them as if he’d never let her go.
That was good. She didn’t want him to, ever, and she went up on tiptoe, threaded her fingers through his hair and kissed him back as if she’d die without him.
After an age he lifted his head and tucked her beneath his chin, with the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear and his lips pressed against her temple. It felt so wonderful—so incredibly right. ‘I love you,’ she whispered. ‘Marry me really soon?’
He laughed, a broken, ragged sound, quickly stifled. ‘Of course I’ll marry you soon, you silly girl,’ he murmured unevenly. ‘Just try and stop me.’
‘No,’ she said, snuggling closer. ‘No, I won’t stop you. I love you much too much.’
‘I’m so proud of you, Eve,’ he said softly. ‘You’re a fantastic doctor, and you’re a beautiful woman, and you’ll be a wonderful mother. I love you.’
Proud of her. At last, someone she loved was proud of her. She lifted her head to Hugh, exhausted with emotion but with something still left to do. ‘We need to tell your children.’
His arm tightened around her. ‘Of course. Are you sure you’re up to it?’
She nodded. ‘I’d like to tell them with you.’
Hugh looked at her, and she glanced down at herself and gave a rueful smile. ‘I suppose I ought to get dressed.’
Hugh smiled back. ‘Probably.’
‘Tom? Lucy? Can you come down?’
They thundered down the stairs, stopping dead in the hall and staring at Eve in surprise.
‘Hi. I thought you were in hospital?’ Tom said, puzzled.
‘They let me out earlier. I’m all right now.’
‘I’m really sorry about the baby,’ Lucy said, running to her and hugging her gently. Eve stood there for a second, then her arms came round the girl and hugged her back, tears filling her eyes.
‘Thank you,’ she whispered, deeply touched by Lucy’s genuine affection.
‘Um—yeah,’ Tom said, looking uncomfortable. ‘Hope you’re OK now. It must have been rough.’
She smiled at him. ‘It was, and I’m still sad, but there’s something else…’
‘It was a twin,’ Hugh said, taking over when she ran out of words. ‘
She’s still pregnant. There’s another baby.’
Lucy looked up at her and her eyes widened with delight. ‘You’re still having a baby? Amazing! I’m going to have a baby sister or brother—oh, that’s so cool!’
‘And we’re getting married,’ Hugh added, wrapping an arm around Eve from the other side and reaching out for Tom. ‘I hope you guys are OK with that?’
‘OK? It’s wonderful—and about time,’ his son said gruffly, a suspicious brightness in his eyes. He moved into his father’s embrace and reached for Lucy, his arm lying over Eve’s, closing the circle of love.
ISBN: 978-1-4603-5867-2
MATERNAL INSTINCT
First North American Publication 2006
Copyright © 2006 by Caroline Anderson
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