by Aidèe Jaimes
That all changed this morning, when Jess came over, and while I know she wanted to keep the information from me as long as possible, biting her lips to keep from speaking was a dead giveaway.
“What! Just say it already,” I’d demanded.
She shook her head, blonde ponytail swinging hard, but blurted out, “He’s single again!”
“Who? What are you talking about?”
“Bo! I ran into Mrs. Jensen on my morning jog…”
“You jog, too? How do you have time for that?” I interrupt.
“Anywho, never mind that. Well you know how she talks.”
I nodded. Mrs. Jensen can traverse ten subjects in ten minutes.
“Well, she apparently couldn’t stand how the girl made herself so at home without even knowing them, and had been out with Bo like once. She invited herself to their house for dinner when he told her he was going over there, then the birthday party and he wasn’t really into her and felt like she was desperate, so he ended it that night when he took her home.”
“Wow,” I said nonchalantly, while inside my blood rushed through me and straight to my cheeks. “Well, good for him?”
Jess crossed her arms and pursed her lips. “Really? That’s all you have to say.”
“What? What do you want me to say?”
“Uh, that you’re freaking excited. Come on! I saw the way you looked at him, Cris!”
“Nah, I… what? No!” I pfft and waved her foolishness away.
“Seriously, this doesn’t make you want to jump for joy?”
I laughed nervously. “Maybe a little.”
“I knew it!” she exclaimed.
I plopped down on the living room couch and wiped my face. “Jess,” I started and looked up at her. “I am sooooo attracted to him, it’s unreal. I have never been this attracted to anyone in my life,” I admitted.
“What?” she half-said half-gasped as she sat beside me. “Not even Owen?”
I shook my head. “Jess, it’s to the point where I feel like I may go crazy because I can’t get him out of my head, and now with you telling me this… me thinks shit just got complicated again.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. I wanted to tell her more, I would have, but in that instant my phone rang. It was Owen. Like he’d read my mind. After talking to him, I let the conversation go. Jess didn’t push, though she did give me that look that said we weren’t done.
Under normal circumstances I would tell her everything. She is the friend that knows too much about me. Lord, the things I tell that woman. But with Bo, I don’t know if it’s that I have been so unsure myself, maybe it’s just so hard to admit feelings that should go unrealized. Either way, I know I need to figure things out first before telling her more.
I am ready to do that now.
My heart is racing and I swallow hard as I click on the Message button. The little box appears and I begin to type with trembling hands.
-Hi. I don’t know if you remember me. I am your mom’s neighbor, Cristiana.
My finger hovers above the send button. Do I dare do this? Should I say something more on the first line, just blurt out that I want to sleep with him for one night, or should I do some small talk first?
I press send. Request sent, it says, and I want to take it back immediately. What did I just do? What if he tells his mom? What if he thinks I’m a wacko? A whore? Or worse, what if he doesn’t even remember me? My brain is screaming with all those horrifying thoughts.
There should be a way to delete what I just sent! I try everything, even typing “how to delete a Facebook message” in Google. I’m too late.
Bo Rougier has accepted your request, it tells me, and almost instantly I get his reply.
It was too fast, barely giving me time to dwell on all the possible ramifications of my mistake.
-Of course I remember you. Cristiana Roberts. With the little blue eyed girl.
Okay, so he does remember me.
-Yes, that’s me.
-What can I do for you? Is everything all right with my parents?
Oops! Of course he would think I was contacting him for his parents.
-Yes, everything is okay. Hope I didn’t worry you.
-Good. Was there something I can help you with?
He is responding quickly, letting me know he’s online.
I swallow hard, crack my knuckles, rub my eyes. You can do this, Cris. Just do it! Biting my lip the entire time, terrified of putting something out there I can’t take back, I begin to type.
-Due to somewhat recent events in my marriage, I have acquired a ticket. I want to use it with you.
-A ticket?
-A ticket. For one night in bed with another man. I want to redeem it with you.
He doesn’t respond immediately this time, though the little picture beside the line tells me he’s read it. An hour passes and still there is nothing. My anxiety begins to build.
I sit there until Owen gets home. I check before I go to bed just in case I’ve missed an alert ding from my phone. Nothing. Sometime around two in the morning I wake up and my first thought is of Bo. I quietly pick up my phone and check. Still nothing.
The following day is full of disappointing quick peeks at my messages. Nothing every time.
By the time Owen gets home I am a nervous wreck, tired and anxious. He tries several times to start a conversation with me, but I am not in the mood.
“How was your day?” he asks.
“Good.” I say.
“Did you see Jess today?”
“Yes.”
And so it goes on. When we get into bed, Owen tries to pull me close, but I move away.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asks. “Did I do something wrong?”
I want to scream at him yes, he did something very wrong. He threw off the balance in our relationship and now I am angry that my one attempt to regain some sense of control over my life has left me with frustration, fear and emptiness. Instead I bury my head further into the pillow and pull the covers over my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers accepting the blame like he has all these months.
It fills me with regret and shame to let him feel that way. But sometimes misery needs company, and he’s earned the spot.
Jessica stares at me speechless. I don’t think I have ever seen her so surprised. She finally shakes her head and practically yells, “You did what!”
I needed to tell someone about Bo and my stupidity. Who better than Jess? She already knows most of it and is my best friend after all, even if she is a cheater, too.
“Well, after we talked I sort of got the ide…”
“Oh no you don’t. Don’t blame that crap on me. It was not my best idea and I only told you that to encourage you to find a solution.”
“And that’s exactly what I did!” I huff. “It just so happened to be the same as yours. And aren’t you the one who told me he’s single now?”
“Well, yeah. But… okay, so I take responsibility for encouraging poor behavior there, but I think it was more just that I wanted to talk about that pretty man, not for you to run off with him.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. He’s had almost two days to think about it and he still hasn’t answered. I think it’s pretty obvious what he thinks. What if he’s with that girl again? Or worse, his ex-wife!”
“Nah, I don’t think so. Mrs. Jensen hasn’t said anything about that to me. Though, she did say something that struck me as weird.”
“What?”
“Did you know he still supports his ex? I mean, as in he owns the house she and the kids live in. She doesn’t work.”
“Are you serious?”
“That’s what his mom said,” Jess nods seriously, her eyes wide.
“When did she tell you this? She never said anything to me.”
“We’ve seen her more than you have, I guess. Anyway, seems that flooring business is really booming for him to afford that. I mean, why is he still su
pporting her?”
“Well…” I frown. “That is kind of weird. What else did she say?” I am dying to know as much as possible about this man, any little tidbit that will make me feel like I know him, like I am closer to him.
“There’s not much else. She sort of tells me the same story over and over.” Jess wrinkles her nose and that devilish spark comes into her eyes. “Well, if you are dead set on doing this…”
“I am. Was. Would have been if he’d said yes.” I shove a handful of goldfish into my mouth and shrug.
“So check your messages! He might already have booked the hotel room and here you are moping. Man, I am so jealous. You already have a sexy man in your bed and you are planning a hot night with another one!”
We are in her children’s playroom. Her five-year-old, Joshua, has just come home from school and Caleb and Mia are playing contentedly and having snacks. It’s very loud in there, so we have to speak up.
Josh looks entertained with a cartoon that’s playing on a small television, but when I really look I can see that his head is slightly turned, his left ear pointed straight at us. I wonder when they will start repeating everything they hear.
“Sh! The kids.” I nod over at him, his ears looking awfully perky. “I checked right before we came over. Nothing. God, I hope he doesn’t tell his parents I propositioned him!” I put my face in my hands. “Maybe the earth will swallow me before I see him again.”
“Look, why don’t you do us both a favor and check?”
“How is this doing you a favor?” I narrow my eyes.
“I am dying from the suspense! End the torture already.”
“All right, all right.” I pull my phone out of my bag and tap on the Facebook Messenger app. At first I can’t comprehend what I see. Then it sinks in.
“He messaged you, didn’t he?” Her excitement couldn’t be more evident.
“Yes.” Dear lord, I can barely breathe.
“Well? What does it say? Geez, speak woman!”
“It says, ‘I am sorry I didn’t answer you sooner. You left me in shock. I was at my son’s soccer game and had quite a few people sitting around me when the message came in. It didn’t seem like the place to discuss a ticket.’”
“Ooo-kay. Is that all it says?” She is practically taking the phone out of my hands. There was a second message, but I didn’t get to read it for myself. Instead Jess squeals it at me. “It says, ‘I have carefully considered your offer.’”
“And? Jess!”
She laughs as she pulls the phone beyond my reach when I try to grab it. “Hold your horses! Let me see, let me see.”
“Jess I am going to kill you!”
“He accepts. OMG, Cris!”
My heart nearly explodes. “He said yes?”
Jess rams the phone back into my hand. “Go upstairs this second and lock yourself in my room and get back to this man. I will watch the kids.”
I nod my head and walk up the stairs slowly, still stunned, thinking of exactly what words I am going to use.
“And I want to read it all when you come back down!” Jess yells up at me before I close the door.
He said yes.
-Hi. I text him after we exchange numbers.
-Hi. So tell me about this ticket.
-I can be with anyone I choose. One night.
-How did you get it? Why would your husband agree to that?
-Why do you think?
There is a long pause.
-Why me? he asks.
-I want you. I did from the moment I saw you. No point denying it now.
-Why didn’t you say something before? Would have been nice to know you were attracted to me.
-I didn’t have a ticket then.
- So you’ve wanted me since you met me?
- I don’t think this is coming as a surprise to you. You knew how I felt. As a matter of fact, I think you went a little out of your way to make me uncomfortable because of it, I text reproachfully.
- What can I say? I like you, too.
-You’re okay being with a married woman? I ask him.
- That’s a loaded question. I don’t know how to answer it.
-Try.
- I’m okay being with you.
- Have you ever been with a married woman?
-Does that matter? he asks.
-No, I guess not.
-So what are the rules? Where? When?
- First rule is pretty obvious. No one needs to know. Not your friends and definitely not your parents.
-Obviously.
-Second is that this won’t go past one night. Our history won’t matter and neither will our future. That night would never have happened. And absolutely no emotions. You’re already going to be in my pants, you don’t need to try to get into my heart, too.
- So you just want me for my body.
-Yes. I laugh as I type. We both need to get bloodwork. I want us both to go in knowing we are clean. I am on birth control. Have all our bases covered.
-Condoms.
-Of course. Bases covered like I said. I can bring some, but I would rather you did. Goodness I am getting wet just thinking about it.
-I am getting hard, he types mirroring my thoughts.
-Do you need a minute? I ask.
-No, just a little hard to type with one hand.
-lol! Yeah, me, too.
-I have a feeling we are going to have a lot of fun in that one night. You sure you don’t want to make it two?
I am sure I want to make more than that, but my ticket is good for just one, which is unfortunate because I think it will be a great night, too.
-Ok, so your lack of response tells me that’s a no. He sends when I take too long to answer. Where? When?
-New Orleans. Three weeks. You need to get yourself there and have your own room.
-Done and done.
CHAPTER 11
The ticket. I stare at it and it burns a hole in my hand. I have to do this. I need to do this. I want to forget. And if I am being completely honest, I want Bo so badly I half wonder if I wouldn’t be doing this anyway.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. It’s also one of the things I have wanted the most.
There have been so many times where I’ve thought of calling the whole thing off. What am I thinking! How can I hurt Owen this way? The fact that its planned makes it somehow worse than what he did to me. He betrayed me, true, but it was in the heat of the moment. Unplanned.
What I am doing is premeditated.
At times, I feel terrible about it. But the truth is that when it comes down to it, I know that if I don’t do this Owen’s indiscretion will never go away. It will always loom over our lives, big and ugly. Worse than that, I will always wonder what if.
It’s just after dinner when Owen calls to let me know he is on his way. I grab Mia and take her to Jess’ house. I don’t know how he’s going to react. Actually, I do, he’s going to be pissed as hell. I need to give him room to express himself without worrying Mia will hear any of it. If he wants to yell, cuss, whatever, then she will be far away. I will get the brunt of it though.
“You sure you want to go through with this?” Jess asks when I hand Mia over.
“I thought you were excited for me? Didn’t you tell me you were jealous?”
“I was. Am. I am! But, I can’t help but put myself in Owen’s shoes. I have been there you know. That shit hurt! Nothing good can come from this. What if you lose him over this? Are you willing to risk that?”
“He risked losing me.”
She purses her lips but nods and accepts what I say. “Yeah, I know. Whatever you decide, whatever happens from here on, I am your friend and I love you. I will be here.”
I wait for Owen sitting on the living room couch facing the front door. The moment he walks in he knows something is up.
He gives me a long look, closes the door behind him and comes to sit in the chair opposite me. The living room isn’t that big, but right n
ow it feels like we are miles apart. When our eyes meet, there is a myriad of emotions going through me, and I can see them in him as well, yet again we can’t connect.
“Where’s Mia?” he asks.
“At Jess’.”
He leans forward, his hands are clasped, his forearms on his knees. He seems calm, collected, and serious.
“I thought we were past this.” He gets to the point, already having figured out the gist of the problem.
“What gave you that idea?”
“I don’t know. The fact that you’ve seemed happy. We haven’t talked about this in months, it didn’t seem to be an issue. And I’ve done nothing but my best to regain your trust. Was I wrong?”
“Not entirely. I have been happy,” I say honestly. “These have been some of the happiest months of my life with you.”
“What is it then? Tell me, Cris, what else I can do. Because I’m out of ideas.”
“Owen, there is nothing more you can do. You have been perfect these past few months. But the only reason you’ve had the opportunity to be perfect, is because you essentially bought yourself that chance.”
He sits up suddenly. “What are you talking about?”
I set the handwritten ticket on the coffee table. He reaches for it automatically, but freezes the moment his eyes confirm what it is. His face turns to ice, though he spits fire at me when he speaks.
“What the fuck is that?”
“You know what it is.”
“Have you been holding on to that this whole time? What, are you trying to cash it in or something?”
“Yes.”
“The fuck!” he yells and stands up, all cool and calm gone. “Who does that? You said you forgave me!”
I stand now, angry, too. Though I’m pretty small, I know I can be terrifying. He takes a step back when I get closer. “The fuck you say? Who does that, you ask? Who does what? Cheats on the person they are supposed to love? Tries to hide it? You are lucky, I am telling you, giving you a choice. And hear my words, Owen, and hear them well, because I will not repeat myself. I Never Forgave You.
“I told you that I would let it go, IF I could do the same as you did. And IF you did not agree, we would go our separate ways. You agreed. I think the problem is that in your mind, you assumed I would forget. ‘Oh she’ll let it go just like she lets everything go,’ I am sure you thought. That there would be no real consequence.
