“I love the Will Ryan Band.”
“I know.” I was staring at her as she looked up at me, questioningly. She still intrigued me so much. Her dark-chocolate eyes and chocolate hair. Beautiful.
“So is that it? That’s what you wanted to show me?”
“Just be quiet.” I gripped the back of her neck and kissed her. She opened to me immediately, like we kissed every day. I pulled away. Her eyes were open wide. We were both breathing hard.
“Again,” she said breathlessly. I pushed her against the wall and kissed her harder. Everything came back. All the youthful feelings, the blind kiss. It was happening all over again.
“You taste so good . . . you feel so good,” I said.
“Again,” she begged. I kissed her with even more force, our tongues twisting. One hand went to her bare back and the other moved from her neck to cup her breast over the sheer material of her dress. I felt her hardened nipple. “God,” she moaned, and crashed her lips back into mine.
I moved her hand over my beating heart and pulled her toward me, her body completely flush with mine.
Suddenly, she pushed my chest away, forcing me to stumble back. “What are you doing?!” she shouted.
“What?” I said.
“I’m still married, Gavin. What are you doing?”
I looked around, confused. “You kept saying again.”
She started crying.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I felt horrible. She looked so confused. “I’m sorry, P. Come here.”
“No. Why’d you do it?”
My chest started to hurt. “I . . . I did it because you were flirting with Masen. I hate-kissed you for being a flirt.”
“Hate-kissed? You’re insane. I feel so guilty now.”
“So do I. I’m still with Briel, too, you know.”
“Really?” she said, like it was the most preposterous thing she’d ever heard. Shaking her head, she turned and started to walk away. I grabbed her by the elbow, swung her around, and threw her over my shoulder.
“Stop! I have a dress on. Put me down!”
“No one’s looking! It’s after midnight. I’m taking you home.”
ONCE WE GOT to my apartment, I tossed her on the bed. “You can sleep here, you little tease. I’ll go torture myself on the tiny couch.”
“You can sleep in here, Gavin,” she said, without hesitation.
“Trust me, you’ll hate the couch; you can feel the springs poking you in the back while you sleep. I don’t want to listen to you bitch about it in the morning.”
Pulling her dress over her head and slipping under the covers in just her underwear, she said, “I mean, you can sleep in here with me. But we can’t fool around.”
I had seen her naked a million times, but never after I had just made out with her. The blood from my brain was traveling southbound.
Even after giving birth to a nine-pound baby, and the years she’d spent out of practice, Penny still had a dancer’s body, long and lean.
“Sleeping next to your mostly naked body wouldn’t be torture at all.”
“Suit yourself,” she mumbled. “Just grab me a T-shirt, please.”
I threw her a Pixies T-shirt from my closet and she pulled it on, jumped out of bed, and went to the bathroom.
When she was done, she announced, “It’s all yours. I used your toothbrush for old times’ sake.”
“Penny?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I don’t want it to change anything. I fucked up by confusing you even more. I know you were just in the moment. You never would’ve wanted that if you weren’t all mixed up over Lance.”
“Gavin . . .” She reached up and put her hands on my stubbly jaw, running them up and down. Her eyes searched mine. “I was in the moment because I’ve never been kissed like that by anyone but you.” Her eyes welled up. “It’s too soon, and yes, too confusing. I don’t want anything to change between us, either. I’m afraid of what could happen to us. I love you, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want you to let this go to your already-giant head, but you know I’ve always been attracted to you. But I can’t do this right now.”
I nodded. I understood. There were at least ten funny, sarcastic, and mean retorts I could have said, but I didn’t because the truth was, her kindness, her loving nature, her smell, and her touch were so intoxicating, I was incapable of forming coherent sentences. And I didn’t want to ruin the moment. She might have felt guilty about Lance but I was positive she liked every second we were kissing.
“You gonna say anything?”
“I want so badly to sleep with you, Penny. But you’re right. It’s better this way. I’ll be back in a minute.”
I took a shower. A long shower.
You do the math.
Afterward, I slid into bed and fell asleep smelling her hair.
31. Three Months Ago
PENNY
When I woke up, Gavin was spooning me, sound asleep, with his hand on my hip under my T-shirt. I stirred. It felt like he was still half-asleep as he slowly caressed my side. I didn’t want to stop him but I knew it was wrong.
He buried his face in my neck and pulled my back flush to his front. I could feel him hard behind me. I tensed. “It’s nothing,” he whispered. “Just the morning. Relax, go back to sleep.”
We slept for a few more hours and then he got up, took a shower, and got ready to leave.
“Stay as long as you want. I’m going back to my dad’s. I’m really sorry about last night. I hope nothing has changed between us.” He was looking right at me, into my eyes, with honesty and penitence.
From the bed, I threw my arms out. “Come here.” He leaned over and hugged me. I held him to my chest and said, “Nothing’s changed.”
He pulled away. “I support any decision you make, P. I understand if you go back to him. He loves you. How can he not?” And there it was. Gavin believed there was no way a person couldn’t love me.
Gavin nodded. If Gavin had urged me to get a divorce, or if he had tried to make me feel bad about going back to Lance, it would have been much harder for me to confide in him. I needed my friend—and he knew it.
THREE DAYS LATER, while I was running errands in Denver, I got a call from Lance. “I know you said you needed your space, but I wanted to let you know that I canceled my next fitness competition. I told my boss I needed to cut back on my hours, and I’m seeing a psychologist now. She actually suggested that we go to marriage counseling and already referred me to someone. Would you be willing to go with me this Friday?”
He was trying. “Yes. I will.”
It sounded like he was going to cry. “Thank you.”
DR. LAKE, OUR marriage counselor, was a petite woman in her fifties with short black hair, a wide nose, and a no-nonsense attitude. She walked with a limp and a cane.
Gavin’s name came up more than once, but each time Dr. Lake tried to put the focus back on our relationship. What was missing in our marriage? Why were we unhappy?
“Penny, when you say that Lance seems unhappy, distant, and emotionally and physically unavailable, be specific. In what ways?” Dr. Lake said.
“Well, he works more than most people—”
“So I can buy you the things you like,” Lance interrupted.
“Let Penny finish talking, Lance. Then it will be your turn.”
“When he’s home, he works out in our home gym two or three hours a night. He claims to be too busy to make it to Milo’s school functions, like PTA fundraisers, and when we’re intimate, it feels one-sided, like he’s rushing things.”
“Do you agree with Penny, Lance?”
“I guess. But it seems like we weren’t really connecting even before Gavin came back to town.”
“Tell me, Penny, what is your understanding of your relationship since Gavin came back?”
I thought carefully before giving my answer. “Gavin’s father, Frank, was dying. That’s why Gavin came back to to
wn. Gavin is a very good friend of mine, and he’s been a very good friend to our family, but I admit that we were spending a lot more time together than usual. Death makes people vulnerable, Dr. Lake. I was close to Frank—he was like a father to me after my own father passed away—and after he died, Gavin and I lived in a bubble of grief together. I think Lance felt threatened by that.”
Lance made a grumbling noise.
“Let’s not speculate about Lance’s feelings, Penny,” Dr. Lake said firmly.
“I don’t think he would disagree with me,” I said.
“They’re too close,” Lance added.
“And that makes you angry, Lance?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, she spent almost the entire week before Frank died at his house.”
I shook my head. “I was trying to be there for both my friend and his dying father.”
“Okay, Penny,” Lance said. “Call it what you want.”
“Penny, why have you stayed with Lance when it sounds like you have so much resentment toward him.”
I sighed. “I don’t resent Lance. I think he’s a good father and husband. But I do feel like he can be self-absorbed and controlling. And that frustrates me.”
“Lance, what do you think about that?” Dr. Lake said.
“Gavin,” Lance said curtly. “He’s the source of everything. I saw them through the window once, sleeping on the couch together, and then the next night he was singing to her on his porch. He was fucking spooning and serenading my wife, Dr. Lake. How’s a man supposed to feel about that? There’s no boundaries to their friendship. And I got tired of coming home to an empty house and a plate of food I had to reheat while she was down the street with Gavin.”
“You’ve always had to reheat your dinner because I never know when you’re going to be home, Lance. That’s nothing new.”
“Yeah, except you’re usually there when I’m reheating it. We don’t even have that little bit of family time anymore, Penny.”
Dr. Lake cut us off just as we were getting to the meat of things. “I can tell the two of you have love for each other, otherwise you wouldn’t be here trying to work things out. But our time is almost up—”
“—I’ve heard separation leads to divorce eighty percent of the time, Dr. Lake. What do you think? I mean, Penny is insisting on a separation so she can go do whatever she wants. Do you think it’s fair to me?” Lance interrupted.
“In my experience, separations can help couples get the space they need to evaluate their relationships. Penny might feel smothered. She might be having a hard time working out how things got to this point, but she’s here. Penny, perhaps you can speak directly to Lance and tell him why you think separation is a good idea.”
I nodded and turned to him. “Because I’m in a fog. I want to say, yeah, let’s just sweep this under the rug, but clearly both of us are unhappy. Gavin isn’t going anywhere. He’ll go back to Denver and be with his girlfriend, but he and I will always be friends, the way we were before you and I even started dating. That has to become a nonissue or else we can’t move forward.”
He nodded. “Okay, I hear you. I’ll agree to one month. That’s all I can handle, Penny. I want a decision in a month. Until then, I’ll go stay with a friend. You can move back in and stay with Milo.”
AFTER WE LEFT the counselor’s office, Lance followed me to my car and opened the driver-side door for me. “I love you so much, Penny. I’m sad that our marriage has come to this. Please promise me that you’ll be faithful to me during this separation. I can’t bear the idea of another man putting his hands on you.”
I nodded. “I’ll keep my distance from Gavin for now. I just have to go back to his place and pick up my stuff first. Okay?” Without another word, I got into the car. Lance closed my door, gave me a sad little wave, and headed for his own car.
Looking down at my phone I saw a text from Gavin.
Gavin: How are you?
Me: Just got out of couples counseling.
Gavin: And . . .
Me: It went well. I asked for a monthlong separation and Lance agreed.
Gavin: Good. Don’t do anything crazy.
Me: How’s Briel?
Gavin: Fine. We’re out right now, let me call you later.
Me: That’s okay. I’ll be at my house with Milo. Lance is staying with a friend.
Gavin: Copy.
Copy? There was something so distant in that sign-off. Maybe he was pulling back, knowing that I needed it—or maybe he needed it in order to focus on Briel? I should have been relieved—it was exactly what I needed at the time—but something in his tone made me unsettled.
32. Thirteen Years Ago
PENNY
I went into labor a little after ten on a Monday morning, twelve days before my due date. Lance had gone to Phoenix for a quick business trip the night before. He wasn’t scheduled to be back until the next day.
The first person I called was my doctor, who told me to keep track of the contractions and to call someone immediately to come stay with me. The next two hours were a blur. The doctor told me, on average, first labors could last as long as twelve hours, which would give Lance plenty of time to get home and be present for Milo’s birth.
I frantically dialed Lance’s cell but he didn’t answer, so I calmly left a message: “Damn it, I’m in labor! You need to come back NOW.”
He called back almost immediately. “I’m in a cab, heading back to my hotel! I’ll grab my things and get on the first flight back. Hang in there, sweetie.”
I called my mother next. “Kiki and I will be there in twenty minutes!” she said. Lance and I were living in a small house about six miles from my mother’s house and twelve miles from the hospital.
Unfortunately, my doctor was completely wrong: my labor was progressing fast and my contractions were coming one on top of the other. There was no way this was going to be a twelve-hour labor.
I called Frank, who lived two miles away.
Gavin answered. “Penny?”
I was breathing hard. “How’d you know?”
“Everyone has caller ID, silly.”
“What are you doing there?”
“I came to visit. What’s wrong? Why are you breathing hard?”
“I’m in labor and Lance is trying to fly back from Phoenix right now. He won’t be back for hours. Ahhh!” I screamed. “Fuck, this hurts!”
“We’ll be there in five.”
Five words from Gavin could calm me down. But not for long. I was in the throes of labor after all, alone in our little house on Pine Nut Drive. Five minutes felt like three hours.
Gavin and Frank arrived right on time. Gavin ran around frantically, looking for my overnight bag, which Lance had conveniently put on the top shelf of our closet without telling me. Frank helped me to Gavin’s car, but I was in so much pain I could barely walk.
“I managed to catch your mom before she left the house,” Gavin said behind us. “She’s meeting us at the hospital with your sister.”
Frank got in the driver’s seat while I lay down on Gavin’s lap in the backseat. Frank quickly but cautiously drove us to the hospital as we swerved through Monday-morning traffic.
“Oh god! This hurts.”
Gavin rubbed my sweating head. “I know, baby, just breathe in and out.”
I was wearing a nightgown and slippers. Gavin had thrown a heavy jacket over my shoulders since it was snowing out. Still, I was sweating bullets.I felt a gush between my legs. Looking down, I could see amniotic fluid spilling across the leather seat and onto the floor. “Oh no.”
“It’s okay, Penny. Your water just broke.”
“Not that. The baby’s coming. I can feel it.” I put my hand between my legs and felt the baby crowning as we pulled into the emergency entrance of the hospital.
“I’ll get a wheelchair!” Frank said.
“Tell them he’s crowning. It’s happening!” I yelled.
“Oh, Jesus!” Gavin said.
They brought ou
t a stretcher and somehow, between Gavin, a nurse, and an orderly, I managed to get up on it, but I was writhing in pain. My mother and Kiki appeared on the other side of me as I was wheeled in. “Call Lance!” I kept saying. “He’s going to miss it!”
Inside the labor and delivery room, there were nurses and doctors moving around with focused speed. Gavin and Frank must have gone to the waiting room because now it was only my mother and Kiki. My sister was rubbing my shoulders and my mom was scurrying around to find a washcloth to wipe my forehead. “I have to push!” I screamed.
“Push!” the unfamiliar male doctor said. I briefly thought I didn’t want him looking at my crotch, but modesty quickly disappeared when I realized there was a baby coming out of me.
“Mrs. Stone,” the doctor said, “take a breath in, deep and full, bear down, and push; you’ve almost got the shoulders out.”
I reached down and touched Milo’s head. It was all real and happening. I sat up with the help of my mom and sister, who were each holding one leg back. Before I could blink, I pushed my nine-pound son out of me with the last bit of energy I could muster—and I did it all without even taking a Tylenol. I was so proud of myself, but sad that Lance had missed a moment in my life that made me feel so much self-worth and pride. Sad for him that he had missed his first son’s birth.
The doctor turned Milo upside down and suctioned his mouth, and as soon as Milo starting crying, he rested the slimy, wailing, and amazing little creature on my chest. “Hello,” I squeaked. “It’s nice to meet you.”
My mother was crying, my sister was crying, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to show Gavin the little miracle I was holding.
After they cleaned Milo, my mom and sister got to hold him for a few minutes, until the nurse said I should try breastfeeding. At first it was painful, but then my mother showed me how to help him latch on properly. It was a moment I’ll never forget. There was a new love, warmth, and maternal instinct inside of me, and I could see those same things inside of her for me. Milo finally latched on and was part of me again.
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