by Luna, David
Thornton wanted to tell him to stop with the negative self-talk, but Asher was talking about his feelings during the week, and Thornton wouldn’t downplay those emotions. Asher’s body had begun to relax the more he purged. But it was Asher’s self-confidence he needed to work on. “I’m sorry, baby. It sounds like you had a really rough week.”
Asher huffed out an incredulous noise. “That’s quite the understatement. I was a fucking basket case. I mean, god, I can’t even consider myself a fully functional adult. At one point, I didn’t know whether to be grateful to you or angry at you for showing me how good life could be. I know it wasn’t your fault; I know I brought last week on myself. Whether I manifested it like a domino effect or if it was just one piece of bad luck after another, I was fucking worthless.”
Thornton couldn’t take anymore and let his frustration show. “That’s enough.”
Asher’s deep sigh hurt his heart. “I’m sorry. But that’s the truth. I felt worthless.”
He hugged Asher tight and rocked them both back and forth for a bit before he dove in to try and help. Taking a deep sigh, he asked, “Is that all of it? The worst of it?”
Asher nodded against his chest and murmured, “Yes.”
“Okay. First, let me say: you are not worthless. You are the farthest thing from worthless. And you went through a lot, so please know I’m not diminishing how you feel. You have the right to feel what you’re going to feel. And even if I wanted you to stop feeling negatively about yourself, especially about last week, it’s not like I can reach into your head and change your thoughts. But as of now, you’re done castigating yourself for it. You’ve purged it, and now it’s out of your system. Understood?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
He couldn’t help but admonish him a bit because much of this week could have been avoided. “I know you know this, but you should have called me. Every time you panicked or felt out of control, I could have talked you down or come to help. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I will drop everything for you if you truly need me. I love you, Ash. It kills me you didn’t reach out to me.”
Asher sucked in a breath and nodded. “I know. I’m angry with myself. I should have. I just… I couldn’t, and I don’t fully understand the reasons why. I’m sorry, Daddy.”
He sighed. “Moving forward, I’m going to need you to promise you will call when you’re feeling like that. I can’t do my job if I don’t know when I’m needed.”
Asher nodded and threw his arms around Thornton’s neck, hugging him tight. Thornton ran his hands up and down Asher’s back. “I promise, Daddy. I’m sorry.”
“I know. I know, baby. Let’s talk about the rest of it, okay?”
Asher shrugged like he wasn’t sure he wanted to, but he eventually nodded.
“Good boy. So what I think we should do is look at all of this from a different perspective. Let’s break things down into bite-size chunks. I’ll ask you some questions, and all you have to do is answer with the facts, not your feelings about them. Okay?” Asher merely nodded, not looking up at him but keeping his head against Thornton’s chest. “Let’s talk about the groceries, the shower curtain, and the coffee. Did you eat dry and canned goods or frozen food all week?”
“No.”
“What did you do?”
Asher’s brows furrowed when he answered. “I ordered groceries and had them delivered.”
“Did you shower all week without a curtain?”
“No. I ordered one on Amazon, and it came the next day.”
“And how about that coffee? You said you made it four times. Was the fourth one to your liking?”
Asher nodded. “Yes, it was perfect.”
“So, what about all of the insurance issues? Did you figure out what they needed for your medical leave of absence? And were you able to answer the questions from my insurance company as well?”
“Yeah, it was just a bunch of questions and some paperwork they needed me to get from my doctor’s office.”
“And did you get the paperwork they needed?”
“Yeah, Syed helped me.”
“And what about when you panicked at work? Did you treat the customers with respect and excuse yourself properly, or did you treat them rudely and possibly lose their business?”
Asher pulled back, insult written all over his features. “I’d never do that. A few times I was able to leave before I had to deal with customers at all. The one time I had to deal with the customer and I was panicking, I excused myself, got myself back under control, and then came back and helped her. She seemed really happy when she left.”
He clasped his boy’s chin, drawing Asher’s eyes up to his. “So, from an outsider’s perspective, it looks like you hit a few bumps in the road, but you dealt with every single one of them as they came along. Maybe doing so stressed you out more than normal. Maybe you panicked more often. But in the end, everything was dealt with. Do you understand what I’m getting at here?” Asher didn’t respond but met his gaze. “You absolutely are not worthless.”
Asher shook his head. “But… Why did it feel so big, so awful, so out of control?”
Asher tucked his head under Thornton’s chin, and Thornton kissed the top. “I don’t really have all the answers for you. I have some theories, though, if you want to hear them.”
Asher didn’t move, but Thornton heard his soft whisper: “Please, Daddy.”
Feeling awful for his boy, he squeezed him tight. “I think you’re a bit of a perfectionist. And I think you hold yourself to a higher standard than you hold others to. So, when you feel like you’ve done something wrong, it’s ten times worse because of the lens you’re looking through.”
When Asher didn’t respond, he continued, “And I think that lens has gotten more and more distorted as time goes on. You set unrealistic expectations of perfection for yourself, and when you don’t reach those unrealistic goals you’ve set, you feel like a failure. Does any of that resonate with you?”
Asher’s whole body moved with his sigh. “Maybe.”
He smiled to himself and continued to talk, knowing Asher needed to hear it. “So I think you built this week up to be this huge deal in your head. Right?”
“Yeah.”
Thornton nodded and rubbed Asher’s back. “It was going to be the week you were going to figure everything out and prove to yourself you could do it all alone, which might then give you permission to accept my offer to move in with me because you’d proven to yourself you don’t need to, but you want to.” Asher cuddled deeper into his arms. “That’s a pretty big week to live up to. A pretty big week to determine a really important decision in your life all on your own. Don’t you think?”
“I guess.” Asher’s sullen response made him smile.
“I think maybe all of that snowballed and got bigger and bigger and bigger, until it was so big in your mind that all of the little things that happened during your everyday seemed too much. What do you think?”
“But why does everything always seem so hard when I’m alone, but when I’m with you, it doesn’t? How are you making it all better?”
“Sweetheart, I’m not making it all better. You panicked with me three or four times, and they weren’t little panic attacks, either, right?” Asher nodded and hummed in agreement. “It’s not like your time here was without any problems. I’m just helping you get out of your own way a little, out of your own head. And maybe see a side of yourself you didn’t know was there. Regression helps you slip out of the real world where nothing matters but the trains, the crayons, the stuffies, and the cookies.”
Asher’s body shook in silent laughter, and he kissed the top of his boy’s head. “Maybe I’m helping because I’m someone you can rely on, someone you know you can trust, deep down. You haven’t had much of that in your life, and my guess is it’s something you really needed. And you know what?”
Asher leaned back and met his gaze. “What?”
“It’s something I really needed, too. And I do
n’t think I’ve told you how much. I was lonely before you, really lonely. I dated, but never found the right one. You are the right one. And, Asher, I don’t care how fast it is. My mom said she knew my dad was the one the first day they met. It can happen like that sometimes. So, maybe it’s just as simple as we are the right match for each other and found each other at the right time. Puzzle pieces fitting together to make a whole.”
“You really need me? You’re not just saying that?” A lone tear slid down Asher’s cheek, and Thornton swiped it away with his thumb.
“I really do. You allowed me to see I was taking my life and my work too seriously. And even though I knew Jimmy and I would never work, you helped me see I need to be needed more than I even realized. And that I’m a twenty-four-seven Daddy who needs a twenty-four-seven boy.”
Confusion marred Asher’s brow. “I can’t regress all the time.”
Thornton chuckled. “I know that, baby. But I realized I love it when you call me Daddy when you’re not regressing, maybe especially then. I love hearing it when we’re making love. I know I’m gonna love it when I’m fucking you into the mattress and making you scream it out loud.”
Asher’s sweet blush made him smile and chuckle when his boy ducked his head under Thornton’s chin again. “And maybe when things settle down a bit, you and I can talk more about the aspect of control, and how much of it you want to hand over to me. It might help to know I’m the one tasked with making your decisions. If you don’t have to worry about things like that, it’s less anxiety for you to deal with.”
That got Asher’s attention. “You’d want that?”
“If you didn’t, I’d be happy without it. But yeah, I’d really want that, if you allowed it. God, the things you do to me, Asher. I just want to take you over, own you, be the one that leads so you can follow.”
Asher’s eyes grew wide, his cheeks pinked up, and his pupils blew wide. “Um… I think I’d like that, Daddy.”
Thornton smiled and booped Asher’s nose. “I thought you might. But that’s not going to solve everything. My guess is you have some form of PTSD from the abuse you suffered when you were a child.”
Asher shook his head. “I wasn’t—”
Thornton interrupted, unwilling to let Asher deny the truth. “You were. Neglect and child endangerment are both forms of abuse, Asher. And you had more of both than any child should be forced to withstand. That’s where the therapist is going to be able to help you where I cannot. But I’ll be there every step of the way; I’ll support you and make sure you’re getting what you need. How does that sound?”
Asher took a deep breath. “It sounds really good.”
“Good. Now, about the issue of you moving in. What my instincts are telling me to do versus what I’m going to do are very different.”
Asher sat up straight and met his gaze. “What are your instincts telling you to do, Daddy?”
He sighed, not sure he should admit it but unwilling to lie. “My instincts are telling me to make the decision for you. To tell you you’re moving in with me immediately, and we’ll make arrangements to get your things packed up and moved over as soon as possible. I’d like to take the stress of making such a big decision off your shoulders and place it upon my own. But—”
Asher clasped his cheeks in his hands. “That. I want that. Don’t make me choose. It got all jumbled up in my head, and I second-guessed myself so much I could barely function. Please.”
Thornton’s heart rate shot through the roof at what that could mean for them in the future, but for right that moment, all it did was make him happier than he’d ever been. He grinned, kissed Asher on the lips, and rested his forehead against Asher’s. “Then I’ll schedule the movers once we discuss our schedules, and we’ll sort out the details later.”
“Yes, please, Daddy.”
“That’s Daddy’s good boy.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Asher
He twirled and twirled the spaghetti on his plate until his little fork had an enormous bite on it. Stuffing the whole thing in his mouth, he met Thornton’s gaze. He wasn’t exactly in little space. He was eating with one of his little place settings, but they’d both realized the comfort of it being used, even when he wasn’t in that headspace, helped him. It was a strange line he walked sometimes, bisecting the two parts of himself.
Daddy’s eyebrows raised in what Asher knew was admonishment, but all he could do was shrug with a sheepish smile on his face. It was good. “Sorry, Daddy. So yum.”
Thornton shook his head, leaned forward, an amused smirk on his face, and wiped Asher’s mouth with his own napkin. “So, has Madi decided what she wants to do?”
They sat, finishing their dinner, their conversation straying back to what seemed to be the only topic they talked about since he’d returned to work three weeks prior, two since he’d moved in with Daddy. It had been the best two weeks of his life. He’d never felt as at home anywhere as he did living in their home together. And Daddy had made it very clear it was their home, not Thornton’s.
Thornton sat back and waited for Asher’s response. Trying to remember what they’d been talking about. Oh, Madi, but… Confused, Asher’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Asher took a sip of his milk and speared his last meatball, closing his eyes in ecstasy. When he opened his eyes, the look of hunger on Thornton’s face as he watched Asher lick his lips had a grin spreading over Asher’s lips. “Daddy?”
Thornton raised his gaze to Asher’s once more. “Hmm?”
Smirking, Asher asked again, “What do you mean what Madi wants to do?”
Thornton moved his plate back a bit from the edge of the table, turned in his chair, crossed his long legs, and leaned back. He stretched his arm across the table and placed his hand on Asher’s, fiddling with his fingers. “I mean, you were just talking to me about starting a search for a manager to handle a lot or most of what Jenn does on a daily basis.”
Asher didn’t understand. “Okay?”
“Does Madi want to hire someone for the position, or does she want to do it herself?”
Asher frowned. “What? She’s the floor manager.”
Asher wondered how Thornton’s shrug could somehow look elegant and blasé all at the same time. “She is now, but does she want to remain so?”
He was about to say yes when he realized he had absolutely no idea. “I… don’t even know. I thought so. She hasn’t said anything.”
Thornton continued to play with Asher’s hand; having turned it over, he trailed his fingers lightly over Asher’s palm in a lazy caress that had the potential to completely distract him from their conversation. “And you haven’t asked if she’d like to do it?”
Feeling somehow like he’d missed something vital, he shrugged. “I didn’t know I was supposed to. I guess I just assumed she didn’t because I don’t want to, or, if she did, she’d tell me.”
Thornton tipped his head to the side, as if weighing his words. “Maybe she hasn’t thought of it herself, or she doesn’t feel confident enough to suggest it, or maybe she doesn’t want to, and your assumption is correct. You might want to ask her, though, just to be sure, before you look into hiring someone for the job.”
Asher nodded, not liking the idea Madi might not feel confident enough to suggest a change like that if it was what she truly wanted. However, he also knew she was pretty straightforward, and he hoped she’d ask for what she wanted. But the truth was, they were both out of their depth with this new venture they were going into together, so maybe she wouldn’t ask or hadn’t thought about it.
“Do you think she’d want to?”
Thornton shrugged. “You know her better than I do, but from what I’ve observed about her, she’s got a great head on her shoulders, she knows the ins and outs of the business, and from what you told me, she’s covered for Jenn several times when she was sick or on vacation. And isn’t she going to school for her business degree?”
“Dang, I forgo
t about that.”
“Can’t hurt to ask, especially if she hasn’t thought about it herself.”
Asher nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Do you think she’d do well in that role? She’s just so outgoing, so I guess I’ve always seen her position of floor manager to be suited to her personality.”
“Yes, I think she’d do well, and it would make sense from a strategic standpoint. She knows the business, and she’ll be part owner, so having her in that position would make sense.”
Asher nodded, nibbling on his lip in thought. “It probably would.”
Thornton continued. “Not to mention it’s easier to hire and train a floor manager than a business manager you don’t know, who doesn’t have any stake in the success of the business itself. Not that you can’t find a perfectly suitable candidate who will care about their job and the business, but having one of the owners in that role is a smart business move.”
“I just don’t want to pressure her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I’d feel awful if she did it because of some sense of obligation and then ended up hating it. Let me just…” Asher pulled out his phone. “… text and see if she can come over tomorrow to talk.”
He looked up, asking with his eyes if that was okay. “Good idea. Have her bring Gigi. The dogs miss her.”
Warmed by Daddy’s response, he nodded, typing out his message. Madi responded and planned to join them for brunch. Thornton squeezed Asher’s hand in his. “Either way, one of you will need to be fully trained to take on that role, should you be unable to find the perfect person to fill the position before Jenn leaves, or if the new hire quits or gets sick or anything else that would leave you in the lurch if they aren’t there.”
