She looked at my mom, then she nodded her head yes, and whispered, “Ok, I’ll try.”
She made room for my mother, who sat on the couch and cradled and rocked her as she tried calming down. My mother began to hum this song she used to sing to us when we were younger. Sunshine’s eyes began to droop, and soon after she was fast asleep. I had a new found love for my mother and for Sunshine. I am so blessed to have a loving and caring mother like I do. It’s so amazing how she takes care of everyone. She has such a gentle soul. Sunshine reminds me so much of her, in that way. I hate that she is hurting because of me.
“Mom, how can I fix this,” I ask, not knowing what to do to make things right.
She gently lays Sunshine down on the couch and turns to face me.
“Honey, all I can say is be there for her whenever she needs you. She is hurting very badly. It’s going to take some time for her to heal; so be patient and don’t give up. I know she still loves you,” my mom says hugging me tightly.
My mom got up and left after that. I sank down into the soft carpet beside the couch and just stared at her beautiful face. She looked so peaceful right now. I wish that I can keep it that way. I have to figure out how I’m going to fix this. I need her, and now that I found out that she is having my child; I am even more desperate to make her see how much I need her. I love her so much. It hurts to think that I won’t wake up next to her everyday. I can’t believe I hurt her like this.
Chapter 9 (Sunshine)
Everything was a blur, after the day I found out that I was pregnant. I was completely crushed at what happened that day. I never dreamed that Ryan would react the way that he did; and then to go and have sex with Rachel. Oh how stupid I was. I should have known that I would never be enough for him. That he never wanted anything but sex from me. But I loved him, and I truly felt that he loved me. All those wonderful moments that we shared together couldn’t have been a lie. Could they have been?
“Miss McTiernan, the doctor will see you now,” a giddy nurse says waking me from my thoughts.
I plaster a fake smile on my face and slowly follow her into the cold and unfriendly waiting room.
She checks my blood pressure, heart rate, and takes a little blood. Then say tells me that the doctor would be in, in a few moments; as she smiles and shuts the door as she leaves out the room.
Hummm. I’m trying to hold on for the sake of my child, but its getting harder everyday. I’ve been trying to get over Ryan, but I can’t. It kills me everyday when I see him knowing he slept with someone else, that he really didn’t love me.
I went back to work soon after everything happened with him and I. I felt like everyone knew what happened, because everyone was staring and whispering as soon as I waked in the door. I few people asked me what was wrong. I made up some lamed excuse about having a stomach virus. Hoping that would keep them off my back about how I looked, or if they happened to see me running to throw up. I don’t know how long I thought that would work, but I ran with it.
Ryan would come everyday like clock work and ask me how I was doing, or did I need anything. At first I didn’t say anything to him at all. But when my first doctor’s appointment came along, and I told Mrs. Callahan about it; when he came up to me that morning and asked me if I needed a ride to the appointment I said yes. I don’t know why I said yes, but I did. I could see a look of relief wash over his face when I said yes. It was good to know that he wanted to be involved with his child. I just had to let him know that it wasn’t about him and I, it was about the baby. His face looked sad and defeated as soon as the words left my lips. I almost told him I was sorry, but I didn’t. We went to the appointment, never really saying much. Only what absolutely needed to be said. Things went on like this for months. I should have been happy that he was giving me my space. I was at first, because I called myself still being mad at him. But as the months went by and he started coming to see me less and less at work; and he began to be later and later to the doctor visits. I knew that I was still in love with him, that I needed him in my life. I was just to scared to tell him. For fear that he would hurt me again; and now I think its too late. I’m sitting here in the doctor’s office 8 months pregnant. My belly is swollen beyond belief and Ryan is nowhere in sight. I’m crushed that he isn’t here with me.
But I can’t really be mad at him. There is only so many times that a man will take a woman pushing him away, before he stays away for good.
The door suddenly opens and my heart skips a beat, because for a second I thought it was Ryan. But when my smiling shiny faced doctor walked in the room, all my hopes were dashed.
“Hello, Miss McTiernan. How are you doing today,” my doctor asks as he looks down at my chart that he was holding in his hands.
“I’m ok. I haven’t been able to keep much food down,” I respond.
His head immediately pops up and he looks at me.
“How long has this been going on?”
I was scared to tell him the truth. That it has been going on for months, so I fibbed and told him only for a couple weeks. He eyed me liked he didn’t really believe me. Then he started with his check up.
He checked my weight, my heart, and breathing again, as well as measuring the size of my belly.
“After the internal exam I will check the baby’s heartbeat, then we will be done,” he assured me.
I just nodded and bit down on my lip. I hated this part of the check up. I didn’t like anyone else but Ryan seeing me or touching me. I never told him that. The doctor was nothing but professional, it just seems a little odd sometimes.
“All done,” the doctor says as he scoots his chair back and throws his gloves in the waste basket.
“That was fast.”
“Yeah. Everything looks great. You are about 1 centimeter dilated, which is completely normal,” he added when he saw my eyebrows go up in question.
“Let’s listen to the baby’s heartbeat, then we will talk more.”
“Ok,” I say as he squirts my belly with the cold gel, and begins moving the wand around on my belly.
I swear I stop breathing every time he is searching for the baby’s heartbeat. I only relax when I here the strong and loud beating of its heart.
“It looks like we have a nice strong baby,” he says with a smile on his face.
I smile slightly, but in my head I am trying to hold my tears at bay. I should be enjoying this more. I just can’t seem to keep my mind off of Ryan, and how much I miss him; how much I know I can’t possibly live without him.
My doctor proceeds to tell me that all my blood work looks fine; that I needed to continue taking my pre-natal vitamins. But that he didn’t think that I was gaining enough weight. So he gave me a paper with instructions on what to eat. It said that I had to make sure that I eat at least three meals a day, as well as drink two cans of Ensure a day. I assured him that I would do all that, as I righted myself and got ready to go. But before I made it to my car, I had resigned myself to drinking 5 cans of ensure a day. Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep anything like solid foods down.
As I slowly and carefully eased my way into my car, which oddly enough has been running perfectly for the last few months. Ryan and Mrs. Callahan begged me to get a different car. They even offered to buy me a new one when I said I couldn’t afford one. But I still said no. I loved my baby. Soon they figured I wouldn’t budge; and mysteriously a week later when I left work. My baby started right up and never gave me a problem since. I think that one of the two had it fixed, but I never said anything.
After I drove off and made my way back to the office. I hurried as fast as I could to the elevator, and down the hall to my desk; because I knew that I was running late getting back to work. As I huffed my way to my desk I see that no one seemed to notice that I was a little late getting back, so I didn’t make a big deal about it. I did notice that there were three big baby baskets on my desk. One was from Mrs. Callahan and Mr. Callahan. One was from Killian and Patrick. It had a ca
rd in it that said can’t wait to meet the new little Callahan soon. The last one didn’t have a name on it, but as I looked it over I knew it was from Ryan. There was things in it that I loved that only he knew about. My heart swelled with joy at the thought that he was thinking about me; that he may still love me. I started to feel happy and relieved; But I was quickly brought down from my high when I heard a snuffling noise and turned to look to see who it came from. I was slammed with the last thing that I ever wanted to see. It was Rachel and Ryan. She looked to be crying her eyes out and Ryan was holding her tightly in his arms, and was smoothing her hair down; telling her that everything was going to be ok. They didn’t even know that I was sitting right there. I wanted to turn away, to sneak out without them knowing. Not letting them see me. But I couldn’t; I was frozen in place. Watching Ryan hold her so tightly and stroke her hair. My heart broke a little more every time his hand touched her head. Only the phone ringing broke my eyes away from the two.
RING RING RING
Ryan and Rachel’s head snapped up and they looked over at me. Ryan immediately looked pained, and Rachel looked slightly satisfied at the look she saw on my face. He let her go and started over to me. But I shook my head no and steadied myself before I answered the phone.
“Callahan & Callahan, how may I help you?”
“Hello, Ryan its me Marissa.”
“Oh, hello Mrs. Callahan, how are you today?”
“I’m fine. How was your appointment today,” she asked.
I looked up at Ryan before I answered. I didn’t really wanted to answer in front of him and Rachel. But Mrs. Callahan asked again; plus I’ve always had a hard time telling her no to anything, so I told her.
“The doctor said that everything was going great with the baby. But that he thought that I wasn’t gaining enough weight. So he told me I had to start drinking ensure as well as eating more,” I say and sit back waiting for her to dig into me for not taking care of myself enough.
I heard Ryan shuffle closer to me but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. I knew that if I looked up at him and saw that smug look on Rachel’s face again I would totally loose it; and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she was getting to me.
“Now Ryan, I know that you think that I’m going to start yelling at you for what the doctor said; but I’m not. I know how hard things have been on you lately. I want you to know that I love you and I am here for you no matter what,” she said.
I know she was crying because I could hear it in her voice as she spoke to me.
I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore, and I started crying too.
“Mrs. Callahan, you don’t know how much it means to me to hear you say that. I’ve never felt so loved in my life,” I stammer.
I hear Ryan make a noise, but I didn’t act as if I heard him.
“Oh Ryan Honey. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off and go home. I want to come over and take care of you for the day. I know that you don’t like that sort of thing. But it would make my day if you would let me take care of you and my grand baby.”
“Ok,” I answer.
“I see you in a few, my sweet daughter,” she said and hung up before I could reply.
I was so choked up that I couldn’t stand it. I had to get out of here. I don’t know how to react. I never knew a mothers love could be this wonderful. I want to scream and shout; as well as cry. But I couldn’t do all that, so I settled on crying; and I didn’t care who saw me. I was happy at this moment. I was letting anyone take that away from me. As the tears streamed down my face, I phoned Mr. Callahan to tell him what happened. He assured me that it was ok, and that I should take all of the time that I needed. I thanked him and gathered up all of my things and made my way to the elevator. As its doors opened and I made my way on, I was halted by a hand on my shoulder.
“Sunshine, can I talk to you for a second,” Ryan says to me.
Without turning around I say, “I have to get home. I’m meeting your mom there.”
I stepped into the elevator and he followed behind me. As the doors shut I could feel him staring down at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. I want to feel his strong arms around me so bad. I miss him with everything that I have. I know that if I look up into his soft blue eyes, I am going to throw my arms around him; and never want to let go. So I keep looking down at my feet.
I feel him step right in front of me.
“Sunshine, look at me please,” Ryan says placing his hand under my chin and gently tilting my head up so I could see him.
My breath was taken away at the look I saw on his face. He looked very sad, but he was breathtakingly sexy. My body began to tingle, thinking about how good it feels when he touches me.
“How is the baby doing,” he asks placing his hand on my stomach.
I so wanted to drown in him, in his sweet touch. But I couldn’t. He was just holding Rachel like he used to hold me. He missed our baby’s check-up to be with her.
I slowly back away so he wasn’t touching me.
“Well, Ryan, I think that if you cared to know, you would have came to the doctor’s appointment today.”
I hugged my arms around myself and leaned back against the elevator wall.
“I’m sorry about that. What happened was..,” Ryan began to explain.
“Look, I’m not looking for an explanation from you about why you don’t make it. It doesn’t matter. I have come to the conclusion that you don’t want me; that I will never be what you want or need in a woman. Please just don’t forget about this beautiful baby that we made together,” I say holding my belly.
He steps into me and wraps his arms around me. I vigorously shake my head no, but he didn’t listen. He continued to hold me; and I couldn’t help but cry.
“Oh Sunshine. I never meant for things to be like this. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have to tell you. I can’t have you continue on thinking how you do,” he says.
When the only response me got from me was sobbing and me clutching his shirt, he continued on to tell me what he was wanting me to know.
“First I have to tell you that only reason that I was with Rachel today was because her mother died.”
That brought my eyes up to his face. I had to see if he was telling the truth. I watched his eyes as he talked.
“My mother called me this morning and asked me to bring her up to the office to go over her mom’s will. I was only holding her because she started crying when we walked off the elevator. I didn’t even want to bring her up here. It took my mom’s pleading for me to bring her, to do it. Please know that I would never hurt you,” he says looking into my eyes.
He looked like he was pleading to me with his eyes to believe him. I want to believe him, but I just don’t know if I could.
“But when I looked at y’all she looked like she was happy that I was crying. You knew she was a snake when she crawled into your bed when you were sleep. Why would you even let her hang onto you like that? You knew that I would be there at work and how much it would hurt me to see her on you like that. How many times do you think that I can stand seeing you and her together like that,” I shout.
I know I shouldn’t be so upset, but I’ve been wanting to say all this for months.
“Please calm down. You shouldn’t be getting so upset,” he says matter-of-factly.
I blew out a deep breath and started to say more, when the elevator door opens; and instead of yelling like I wanted to. I simply walked out of the elevator, leaving him standing there all wide-eyed and mouth hanging open. I willed myself to not turn around, to keep walking to my car; get in and drive to my apartment to meet Mrs. Callahan. As I got in the car, I could hear Ryan calling after me. I ached to turn around and run into his arms, but I didn’t. I drove off; making my way home. I really wasn’t paying attention to anything around me. I should have though. If I was I would have saw Ryan jump into his car and follow behind me.
~~~
> As I walked up my stairs and am standing in front of my door, I hear voices on the other side of my door.
Oh no, I think to myself. What am I going to do? Who is in my house? If I hadn’t heard a man and a woman’s voices through the door, I wouldn’t be so freaked out. I would have just thought Mrs. Callahan was here by herself. I did give her my spare key a few months ago. I have my key up to the door and am about to put it in, when I feel someone grab my hand.
I jump as I turn around to see who was touching me.
“Sunshine, please we need to talk. I can’t keep going on like this,” he says.
I didn’t say anything. I am still a little nervous about someone being in my house. He could see the hesitation and fear on my face because he placed his hands on my shoulders.
“Honey, whats wrong?”
“Someone, someone’s in my house,” I stammer, pointing to my apartment door.
He instantly moves me behind him and says, “Why were you about to go inside if you thought someone was in there? I’d die if anything happened to you or our child.”
I was stilled by his words. I felt a sense of relief and love wash over my body and I grabbed tightly onto his back.
“I’m sorry. I was thinking straight. I was just to hurt when I thought about you and Rachel together,” I said crying into his back.
He swiftly turns around and had me backed up against my apartment door.
“I love you. I’d give my life to make sure you were happy if I could. I will spend the rest of my life making up all of the pain that I caused you, if you let me. Please let me love you. Please be mine. Please tell me that you still love me. I so want to hold and kiss you so bad right now. I miss your soft lips on mine,” he says as he rubs my bottom lip with his finger.
I moan at his touch. He leans down and kisses me right at the corner of my mouth, then he looks back up at me.
“Can I kiss you,” he asks?
Ryan's Love Page 7
