by Duncan Ball
‘Written down? Where?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe in some secret book that we can never see. The Book of Fate. Maybe everything that we’re going to do is already there.’
‘No, I don’t believe that at all. Would this conversation we’re having be written in it?’
‘I guess so.’
‘If everything that was going to happen to everyone in the world was written in a book it would have to be a huge book.’
‘Yes, huge — gi-normous!’
‘Okay, watch this,’ Dr Trifle said, sticking out his tongue. ‘Would it be in the book that I was going to do that?’
‘It might be.’
‘Well, I don’t believe in fate. I can do what I want when I want. I can eat this,’ said Dr Trifle, picking up a biscuit, ‘or I can throw it.’
Dr Trifle threw the biscuit across the room, where it landed on the floor, next to Selby. ‘There, I did something that I wanted to do, and I’m sure it wasn’t in any book.’
‘Why do you think that?’
‘Because it’s not like me to throw biscuits on the floor. I’ve never done it before.’
‘But you just did it. I saw you do it.’
‘Okay, what if I did something without even thinking about it, like this?’ Dr Trifle said, spilling his tea on himself. ‘Ouch! That’s hot!’
‘You thought about it.’
‘I didn’t! I just did the first thing that came into my head.’
‘If it came into your head then you thought about it. Now put that shirt in the wash before the tea dries and the stains stay forever.’
‘I’m a scientist,’ Dr Trifle said, blotting the tea with a tissue. ‘I believe in facts, things that can be proved.’
‘So can you prove that there isn’t such a thing as The Book of Fate?’
‘It’s hard to prove that something doesn’t exist,’ Dr Trifle said, looking around the floor. ‘Now, where’s that biscuit?’
‘It doesn’t exist,’ Selby thought, as the last bits of it went to his stomach. ‘And I can prove it — but I won’t.’
The conversation had started Selby thinking. He was doing his best thinking that day while he was walking through Bogusville Reserve.
‘What if there really is a Book of Fate and what if when we dream it is like peeking into its pages? What if we dream things that are going to happen to us? Maybe the train dream is actually going to happen — only it can’t, because I’m never getting on a train for the rest of my life!’
Later that day, when Selby was back at home, Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle, ‘How would you like to go for a train ride?’
‘Gulp,’ Selby gulped. ‘I’m glad she’s not asking me.’
‘A train ride? Sure,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘I love trains.’
‘They’re opening up an old train line south of here,’ Mrs Trifle explained. ‘We’ve been invited to be on the first ride tomorrow. We could even take Selby along.’
‘Double gulp,’ Selby gulped again. ‘I’m not going! I’m never going on a train again! And if I don’t go with them, then the dream can’t come true, because I was on the train with them in the dream. So I’ll make the dream wrong, and the train won’t crash.’
Selby was racing for the back door when he suddenly thought a thought that almost made him laugh out loud.
‘That dream can’t come true anyway! Because in the dream we went through Bogusville train station and there is no Bogusville train station! There never has been. I’m never going to believe another dream for as long as I live.’
The next morning Selby was riding happily in the Trifles’ car. Soon they were getting on the old train.
‘This is spooky,’ Selby thought. ‘The train looks like the one in my dream, but I guess old trains all look alike.’
Soon the lounge car was filled with people. Speeches were made and the train started. When food was served, a kindly passenger slipped some of it to Selby.
‘Hey, this food is great!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m starting to enjoy this. This didn’t happen in that silly dream. What was I worried about?’
Gradually the train went faster and faster.
‘I love it!’ Selby thought as he munched a little pie. ‘And for once I don’t have to eat those awful Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.’
As they tore through a deserted railway station, something caught Selby’s eye.
‘For a second, I thought the sign said BOGUSVILLE,’ he thought. ‘But it didn’t. It said MULGAVILLE. That gave me a fright.’
There was a slight bump.
‘Uh-oh,’ Selby thought. ‘That was just like the slight bump in my dream. Only maybe it was slighter. Trains must have slight bumps all the time.’
But it was the high-pitched squeal of metal against metal that alarmed him. The squeal got louder and louder, but no one seemed to notice.
No one except Selby.
‘Are they deaf?’ he wondered. ‘Surely they can hear that!’
The train lurched from side to side as it tore through the countryside. A woman spilled her drink on the floor and now bits of food were falling everywhere.
‘What’s wrong with these people?!’ Selby thought. ‘Don’t they know there’s something terribly wrong? Hey, look! That guy just fell down! It’s like in my dream! I’ve got to act now before anything else happens!’
Selby tried the door at the front of the carriage, but it was locked.
‘That does it!’ he thought. And then he yelled, ‘Everybody listen to me!’
Everyone turned towards Selby.
‘I’m a talking dog,’ he said. ‘Okay, so get over it. This train is about to crash, but I think I can stop it. Lift me up to that trap-door and I’ll get to the engine and pull the brake. Come on, lift me!’
Three pairs of hands reached out to grab him, but then pulled back.
‘How did you learn to talk?’ someone asked.
‘Never mind! I’ll explain later!’
‘How do we know you’re a dog?’ someone else asked.
‘Of course I’m a dog! What do I look like, a monkey?!’
‘You could be a robot dog,’ someone said, ‘or a person in a dog suit.’
‘We don’t have time for this! Lift me up and get me out of here or we’ll all be killed!’
The passengers stood silently as the train buffeted from side to side.
‘Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘why didn’t you talk to us before?’
‘How long has this been going on, Selby?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘Have you been listening in to all our conversations?’
‘Yes, but look,’ Selby said, ‘do you remember that nightmare I had recently when my feet were twitching?’
‘You were running,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Or swimming,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘I was swimming! The dream was about a train crash and everybody was killed! What’s happening right now was just like in my dream. Now I have to get to the driver and stop the train!’
The train gave a violent lurch.
‘Please please please!’ Selby pleaded. ‘Lift me up. I beg you.’
Dr and Mrs Trifle stood there frowning down at Selby. He made a leap for the trap-door but before he could reach it, the train lurched onto its side and slid towards the river. All the passengers were screaming.
‘Out the windows!’ Selby yelled.
But it was too late. Before the passengers could do anything the water rose and filled the carriage. Soon the air — and any hope — was gone.
‘Selby?’
It was Mrs Trifle’s soft voice.
‘Selby? Are you okay?’
She shook him gently.
‘I think he’s having another bad dream,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It looks like he was jumping to get away from something.’
Selby slowly opened his eyes. Gradually his heart stopped pounding and a warmth spread through his body. He was at home again with the Trifles, the dearest, most wonderful people in the whole world.
‘Selby,’ Mrs
Trifle said, ‘come along, boy. We’re going for a ride in the car and then we’re going on a train and … goodness me! Did you see that?’
‘Yes,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘I’ve never seen him run so fast. Oh, well, we’d better go without him.’
‘No, that wouldn’t be fair,’ Mrs Trifle sighed. ‘I know how much Selby would love to go for a train ride. I guess it’s just our fate to stay here and take it easy this weekend.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Dr Trifle said, picking up his newspaper.
And it would have sounded good to Selby, too, but he didn’t hear it. He was halfway down the street and running as fast as his little legs could carry him.
Night.
Full moon.
Mist rising from streets.
Figures cloaked in black fill the streets of the town, moving silently along footpaths, their chalk-white faces flickering in the light of the candles they carry. Pointy teeth dripping blood overhang their purple lips.
A medium-size dog, a bitzer of no posh pedigree, weaves his way between them, hurrying unnoticed towards the safety of his home.
The town is Bogusville, a country town somewhere in Australia.
The dog is Selby, and he has a secret which he keeps from everyone, including his beloved owners, Dr and Mrs Trifle. He is the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world. It is a secret he is determined to keep, even if it kills him — little does he know that in the next twenty-four hours it may.
‘Vampires, sheeeesh!’ Selby shivered. ‘Why did they have to come to Bogusville?!’
Selby made it home safely but slept badly that night, with thoughts of the vampire invasion. The next day the dark figures still filled the streets of Bogusville, their numbers growing by the hour. Selby dozed in the lounge-room as Mrs Trifle read the local newspaper, the Bogusville Banner.
The calm was interrupted when Mrs Trifle’s sister burst into the house.
‘Vampires!’ Aunt Jetty screamed. ‘They’re everywhere! You’re the mayor of Bogusville, get rid of them!’
‘But why?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Because they’re scaring decent citizens like me. Nobody wants them here! They’re going to suck our blood and turn us into vampires!’
‘Don’t be so dramatic, Jetty. They’re not real vampires. They’re here for the vampire festival, the FangFunFest.’
‘I still hate them,’ Aunt Jetty said, ‘and I think you should boot them out.’
‘I can’t believe this,’ Selby thought. ‘I actually agree with Aunt Jetty.’
‘What’s wrong with your hand?’ Aunt Jetty asked.
‘I scratched it yesterday when I was helping Melanie Mildew prune the roses in the Memorial Rose Garden,’ Mrs Trifle said, holding up a bandaged hand. ‘It’s nothing.’
‘Are you sure you didn’t get fanged by a vampire?’
‘Absolutely sure,’ Mrs Trifle laughed. ‘They’re lovely young people. Have you talked to any of them?’
‘Talk to them? Are you kidding? I’d rather talk to old Stinky Guts here,’ she said, giving Selby a dirty look.
‘Now, you be nice to Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He’s never done anything to hurt you.’
‘Yes, he has. He bit me on the posterior.’
‘On the what?’
‘On my bot,’ Jetty said, glaring at Selby as she rubbed her bottom. ‘He tried to kill me. You should have him put down.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m sure it was an accident. Selby wouldn’t hurt a fly.’
‘It was her own fault,’ Selby thought. ‘She sat on me.’
‘I heard that a real vampire sneaked into one of these festivals and started turning everyone into vampires,’ Aunt Jetty said.
‘You can’t be serious.’
‘It’s true, cross my heart! It was the perfect place to hide. No one suspected he was a real vampire. Then he started grabbing people and pulling them into the bushes, where he drank their blood. And then he shape-shifted into a wolf. Vampires can do that, you know.’
‘Rubbish. Where did you hear such a silly story?’
‘I heard it from Postie Paterson. He heard it from Camilla Bonzer, and she heard it from a friend of hers who never tells lies. So it’s true.’
‘It sounds like a rumour to me, Jetty. Shame on you. You should know better than to spread rumours. They can be very damaging.’
‘Not as damaging as getting all your blood sucked out.’
Mrs Trifle just shook her head. ‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘tonight’s the last night of the festival. They’re getting together at the Bijou Theatre. Gary Gaggs is going to tell some of his vampire jokes and then they’re going to show the Fang Blood movie.’
‘Fang Blood?’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘You mean like the TV series?’
‘Yes, only now it’s a movie. The very first showing will be tonight at the festival.’
‘But I love Fang Blood!’ Aunt Jetty exclaimed.
‘You said you hated vampires.’
‘This is different. Fang Blood has Jason Rodolfo in it. He is so gorgeous! Like he plays this vampire called Kasimir and he’s in love with Marcella, only she’s not a vampire. And he doesn’t want to turn her into a vampire and, oh, oh, oh,’ Aunt Jetty said, fanning herself with her hand, ‘I just love him! I get all tingly just thinking about him.’
‘Hey, I like that show, too,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t believe I just agreed with Aunt Jetty again!’
‘When does the movie start? I’m going,’ Aunt Jetty said.
‘It’s for FangFunFest members only. They won’t let you in.’
‘Then I’ll sneak in,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘I’ll think of a way.’
‘Well, they’ll let me in,’ Selby thought. ‘They’ll never notice a dog slipping through the crowd. I can’t wait to hear Gary’s vampire jokes.’
That evening Selby sensed that something wasn’t quite right.
He’d slipped quietly into the crowded theatre and was waiting for Gary Gaggs to start. He felt okay with the vampires. They didn’t frighten him any more. But as the lights went down, people were whispering to each other.
‘Something’s bothering them,’ Selby thought. ‘I wonder what it could be.’
The curtain opened and there was Gary wearing a vampire cape and vampire fangs.
‘Hello, hello, hello, and welcome, fellow vampires,’ he said. ‘I’m Gary Gaggs, and I’m a vampire comedian. I guess that makes me a vampedian.’
‘He looks great!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘He looks just like one of them!’
‘My father was a vampedian and so was my mother,’ Gary went on. ‘So it’s in my blood. Get it? In my blood? Oh, I was always a sucker for that one.’
‘Oh, that’s good!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s in his blood. Hey, why isn’t everybody laughing?’
‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary said, ‘being a vampedian is fantastic. It’s a job I can really get my teeth into.’
‘Oh oh oh,’ Selby thought, ‘he can really get his teeth into it.’
‘Of course I get a lot of fang-mail. I married a wonderful girl. She wasn’t rich or anything. She was just the ghoul next door. The ghoul next door? She’s lovely. The first time I saw her she batted her eyelashes at me. It was love at first bite. And she’s a great dancer. Her favourite dance is the vaults.’
‘Vaults?’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, like vaults in a crypt or something. Vaults, waltz! No one’s laughing. Maybe they don’t get Gary’s jokes.’
‘My wife’s favourite fruit is neck-tarines. Her favourite dessert is I scream. Vein-illa I scream. She went to a blood bank and they said, “Are you here to give blood?” And she said, “No, I want to make a withdrawal.”’
‘Oh, I get it,’ Selby thought. ‘She’s going to take blood out of the blood bank. Hey, what’s wrong with these people?’
‘But seriously, folks, my wife had this terrible cold, so she went to a pharmacy. They gave her some coffin medicine. My mother-in-law is a vampire too. S
he’s a real drain in the neck. She always has bat breath.’
‘Oh, I love Gary’s mother-in-law jokes!’ Selby thought.
‘My mother-in-law thinks she’s a great artist because she loves to draw blood. She’s always looking for her necks victim. Get it? Necks victim?’
‘They’re not listening,’ Selby thought. ‘They’re all whispering to each other. What’s going on here?’
‘One time my mother-in-law tried to shape-shift into a werewolf but it didn’t work. She turned into a dog instead. What kind of dog? A blood-hound, of course. She really went to the dogs. Woo woo woo,’ Gary said, strutting around like a chicken. ‘These are the jokes, folks.’
Selby heard some voices behind him.
‘Did you know that there’s a real vampire here?’ one person said.
‘No! Really?’
‘It’s true!’ someone else said. ‘Apparently it happened at another FangFunFest. Lots of people had their blood sucked out.’
‘Where did you hear that?’
‘I heard it from a friend. She heard it from someone she knows, who heard it from a guy who never tells lies. It’s true! Cross my heart.’
‘I wish they’d be quiet,’ Selby thought. ‘They’re missing the jokes.’
‘My mother-in-law came to live with us,’ Gary said, looking around uneasily. ‘We couldn’t stand her. We wanted to get rid of her but she wouldn’t go. So we decided to drive a stake through her heart because that’s the way you kill a vampire. But steak was too expensive, so we drove a pork chop through her heart instead. Woo woo woo. But seriously, my mother-in-law is lovely.’
‘What’s this about a real vampire?’ Selby heard someone else say.
‘It’s true! This lady was attacked in the Rose Garden right here in town,’ someone said. ‘She got bitten on the hand.’
‘Hang on, that’s Mrs Trifle they’re talking about,’ Selby thought. ‘She was scratched by a rose bush. It wasn’t a vampire. Some people will believe anything.’
‘I heard that the vampire bit her on the neck,’ another voice said. ‘She turned into a vampire. Now there are two of them!’
‘I heard that, too,’ someone else said.
