by Lili Valente
“I still want you,” I confess, as the fingers of my newly freed hand find their way up the back of his coat. “I want to touch you everywhere.”
“If we wouldn’t die of exposure, I would take you right now.” His hand moves between my legs. Even through the thick fabric, his touch feels insanely amazing, making me moan and arch into his mouth as he kisses his way down my throat. “I would take you here in the snow and prove that I still remember exactly how to make you come for me, Einstein.”
I wince, the old pet name sending pain flashing through my pleasure. “Less talk, more kissing,” I say, trying to guide his mouth back to mine.
“Talk first.” His hand returns to my hip, robbing me of the sweet, teasing pressure of his fingers between my legs. “And then we’re going inside, where I can get you out of at least some of these clothes.”
“Not going to happen,” I say, knowing myself better than that. “I’m not thinking straight right now, but I will be soon, and then I’m going to tell you to get your hands off of me.”
“Maybe.” Sadness flickers behind his eyes. “But at least you’ll know the truth.”
“And what is the truth, Nate?” My blood is still so hot I can barely feel the snow creeping through my hair to prick at the bare skin above my new scarf. “That you really are a devil crawled out of a New Jersey hellmouth?”
He sighs, his jaw working back and forth the way it always did when he was getting ready to say something he knows I won’t want to hear. “While we were up here on our trip, my father found the paperwork I was going to file to transfer to Rutgers. He got on my laptop, emptied my checking account, and went through all my private shit, looking for something he could use to make me see things his way. He found it in my Dropbox. I had my phone set to automatically back up all the images. Before I even got home, he’d already downloaded the pictures from the lake and figured out who you were…and how old you weren’t.”
“What pictures from the lake?” My eyes widen as my mind coughs up the memory. “Oh my God. The topless pictures?”
Nate grimaces. “Yeah. Those. I don’t know if you remember, but my dad was a lawyer. Is a lawyer. He helpfully informed me that possession of those pictures was a crime. It didn’t matter if you’d willingly posed for them or not. You were under eighteen, and I was technically an adult, so…”
“Oh my God,” I say again, too shocked to think of anything more eloquent.
“He told me to pack my things and get ready to go to Duke that afternoon.” Nate’s voice is tight. “I had to leave without telling you goodbye and agree never to talk to you again or he’d have me prosecuted for possessing child pornography.”
My jaw falls and my blood goes cold.
Ice cold—the temperature of Nate’s father’s arctic heart.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Nate
I wait for Addie to say something, anything, but she just stares up at the sky, looking shell-shocked.
I’m still laying half on top of her in the snow, and I know I should get up. I should make her stand, too, even if she decides my explanation doesn’t change the way she feels. It’s cold and, as the sun slips behind the clouds, getting colder. But it feels so fucking good to be this close to her, so close that I can feel her breath warm on my lips and smell her Adeline smell—flowers and fresh rain—rising all around me.
“Did you hear me, Ad?” I finally ask.
She nods, gaze still fixed over my shoulder.
“He said there was a chance I would be charged with intent to distribute,” I say, needing her to understand why I’d been so spooked. “If convicted, I would have served a minimum of five years in prison and been required to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life.”
Addie shakes her head slowly, but still doesn’t meet my gaze.
I let my eyes drift to her lips, those bow-shaped lips that are every bit as sweet and irresistible as they were seven years ago, but I don’t kiss her again. I shouldn’t have kissed her the first time, but I didn’t know how else to get through to her. And she’s so sexy when she’s angry, with her eyes on fire and her skin flushed pink.
“So that’s why you left,” she finally says, her voice soft, distant.
“It doesn’t excuse it, I know that. I shouldn’t have left. Or at the very least I should have called to explain, but my dad was watching me like a fucking hawk. He said the second I tried to contact you he would call his friend at the police department.” I sigh. “But finally, about halfway through October, I pulled my head out of my ass and realized I had to fight back, even if it meant risking going to jail. I dropped out of school and drove straight to your house, but you were gone.”
“I was gone,” Addie agrees, brow furrowing. “It looks like it’s going to rain. Or maybe snow. It feels colder than it did when I came out.”
I press my lips together, nodding slowly. “Is that all you have to say? If so, that’s fine, I just…” I trail off with a miserable shrug. “I just wanted you to know the truth. I didn’t want to leave. I was scared away, but I came back. I swear I did. I’m sorry it was too late, and that you had to wait so long to hear the truth.”
Pained resignation flashes in her pretty blue eyes, so sad behind her glasses. “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“It matters to me.” Regret spreads like a virus through my chest, making it hard to breathe. She was right. I’m not going to be taking Addie back inside and getting her out of any of these clothes. I may never kiss her again, and though I knew that was always a possibility, now that I’ve tasted her, felt her, heard her sexy little moan as I pressed my hand between her legs, the thought of going without Adeline forever makes me feel like something vital is shutting down inside of me.
“It matters a lot,” I continue, voice tight. “I loved you, Adeline.”
“I loved you, too.” She lifts a gloved hand, pressing it lightly to my cheek. “You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Right up until you were the worst.”
Well, fuck…
Fuck me. Fuck me for hurting her even more than I thought I did. Fuck me for secretly assuming that I’d loved her more than she’d loved me, and that running away and leaving me with no way to reach her had been easy for her. Fuck me for giving up and moving on and telling myself pretty lies that everything had worked out for the best.
Everything hasn’t worked out for the best. Adeline, girl genius, pint-sized powerhouse, with the biggest heart I’ve ever known, is lying beneath me, shattered and sad and, worst of all, resigned to it. And I played a role in her despair.
“I don’t… I just…” I trail off, words failing me for the first time in years. I’m a writer by trade; I traffic in turns of phrase, but none of my words are good enough. I’m standing at the edge of the abyss, and Addie’s already falling. There’s no time to waste. I need the perfect words, the perfect rope to throw down into the darkness.
I wrack my brain, thinking of the stars last night, and smallness, and how good it felt to belong to someone. To belong to this woman, to Adeline of the nimble mind and the good heart and the beautiful body that gave me more than pleasure. It gave me hope and home and strength.
I’m thinking about a quote by Carl Sagan about the universe and love, one that always makes me think of that perfect summer, but before I can remember it, the rumble of an engine fills the air.
Seconds later, a guy with long blond hair pulls a snowmobile to a stop a few feet away and hops out onto the ground. He’s got a good-natured face, but there’s a hard look in his eyes as he asks, “Are you okay, Adeline? I saw your sled head into the trees and came as fast as I could.”
I roll away, coming to my feet as Addie sits up.
“Yes, thank you, I’m fine. The only thing wounded is my pride.” She ignores the hand I offer to help her up, struggling to her feet on her own. “Chase, this is my old friend Nate. Nate, this is Chase, the very nice equipment manager who gave me this toasty scarf.” She brushes her hair from
her face. “My neck is still mostly warm, though the rest of me isn’t sure leaving my coat in the room was the best idea.”
As if on cue, the clouds above us shake out a flurry of flakes that drift down to settle like lace on Addie’s dark curls. She glances up with a sigh, avoiding eye contact with me like it’s her job.
Chase, however, has no issues with glaring at me like it’s his.
“Let me give you a ride back to the lodge,” he says, holding a hand out to Addie. “I’ll come back and get your sled later.”
“Thank you,” Adeline says. “That would be great. Is there room for Nate, too?”
“Sorry, afraid not,” Chase says, not sounding sorry at all. “But I can come back for you, sir. If you need help getting back to the lodge.”
“No, I’m fine. I can walk.” I meet his cool gaze as Addie crosses to the snowmobile. “But be careful with her. She’s one of the best people I know.”
Addie’s eyes shift my way, surprise and caution mixing in her gaze. But before I can tell her that I mean it, or that I still have so many things I need to say to her, Chase sets the snowmobile to roaring. He guides the vehicle through the trees toward the lodge, taking Adeline away again.
But as they’re about to disappear into the trees, Addie turns and looks back at me. She looks back, and then she’s gone.
But not for forever this time.
Our paths are going to cross again. I’m going to make damned sure of it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Adeline
Back at my room, I discover a blinking light on my phone and the following messages from my nearest and fearest.
Voice message from Shane: Hey darling! I’m so sorry for the mess with my cell. And I hate that a French creeper was texting you obscene things!
Of all the creepers I’ve known, French creepers are some of the worst. Remind me to tell you a disturbing story about a Parisian man in my pre-med program and a wheel of Brie when I get home.
Anyway! I hope you’re all right and back to enjoying yourself. I would have called your cell, but my pregnant brain couldn’t remember your number. I’ve become so dependent on my contact list I barely have my own phone number memorized anymore.
All is great here. Jake and I are having a lovely time, and Paris is beautiful, even in the winter. I’m planning to bring back a carry-on bag full of pastries, and we’ll gorge ourselves on croissants, drink too much tea, and plot the next step in your adventure as soon as I get home. I’m so glad you dumped Eloise, and I still very much hope you’ll give me the opportunity to help you get back on your feet. It would truly be my pleasure.
Okay, talk soon, doll. Hope you’re having fun! I’m going to put off getting a new cell until Jake and I get back to the city, but feel free to call me at the hotel if you need anything at all.
Or on Jake’s cell. His number is…
She leaves the number, which I write down, though I have no intention of calling and interrupting her romantic getaway again, no matter how desperately I need to talk to someone about Nate.
About Nate and his confession and that kiss that turned my world upside down.
My fingers drift to my lips, brushing lightly across the skin, thinking of his taste and his touch and how much I want more of both as I wait for the second message to start.
This time, however, the voice on the line is significantly less friendly.
Voicemail from Eloise: Hello, Adeline, this is Eloise. Don’t ask me how I found you. You know I have my ways, and that when I want something I get it.
Not that you’ll care, but earlier today, while on my way to the park with Mina, I was accosted by that homeless deviant you love so much. He expectorated on my shoes, Adeline. Right on the patent leather of my Maison Margeilas! And for once—despite having at least four more children than any decent person should have—Mina didn’t have baby wipes in her purse. I was forced to leave the diseased evidence of his contempt for decency on my shoe until we made it back to the house. It was a violation of my dignity from which I doubt I’ll ever completely recover.
As things stand now, I doubt I’ll leave our building again, at least not without an armed guard or a police escort.
And the saddest part of all, of course, is that this tragedy was avoidable. If you had respected my concerns, this wouldn’t have happened, Adeline! I blame you every bit as much as that heathen whom you encouraged with your attentions.
Therefore, I will be withholding your final check.
It only seems fair considering you’re the one who quit without giving two weeks’ notice. Poor Mina has had to work extended hours to escort me to my appointments, and I have no idea what’s going on in the world now that’s there’s no one here to read the Times. If I can’t find a decent replacement for you soon, I will be reduced to watching CNN like a troglodyte.
I hope you’re enjoying your little escape from reality. Just remember that the piper always comes calling, and nothing in this world is free. One day Shane is going to call in all the favors she’s done for you, little miss, and I have a feeling you’re not going to like the price you’ll be expected to pay.
No one’s as nice as she pretends to be, girl. She wants something, and I imagine it’s something pretty foul if she’s willing to spend thousands of dollars buttering you up with fancy vacations to get it.
Enjoy selling your soul to the devil, and don’t come crying to me when you find yourself out on the street a second time.
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Eloise,” I mutter, slamming the phone back into the cradle a little too hard.
Shane isn’t the devil, and poor Kevin isn’t a “deviant.” I’m guessing the entire thing was an accident. He was probably spitting and Eloise’s shoe just happened to be in the way. And even if he meant to spit on her, she deserves it for the way she curled her lip at him every time we passed by, not to mention her plan to have him arrested for crimes he didn’t commit.
The woman is unhinged.
She’s also obscenely wealthy. My check is barely a blip on her monthly expense sheet—she spends more money on exotic groceries and collectible stamps—but that won’t stop her from refusing to pay me.
Which means I’m fifteen hundred dollars poorer than I expected to be.
I flop down onto the bed with a groan, my arms spread wide and my head spinning. I should be thinking about what I’m going to do for money and whether or not to move to a cheaper city while I still have the funds to get out New York. I should be figuring out what I want to study and charting my course for a return to academia, where I always felt safe and at home.
And if I am incapable of thinking ahead due to the stress of quitting the only job I’ve ever had, learning the only man I’ve ever loved is gay, and then learning that he isn’t gay—or at least not open and shut gay because we totally almost had snow sex—then I should have accepted Chase’s offer to grab hot chocolate and warm up by the fire. It’s been years since I’ve been asked on anything resembling a date, but instead of jumping at the chance to enjoy a sugary drink with a perfectly nice man with highlights in his unicorn-mane-like hair, I’m lying here thinking about Nate.
About Nate and the way he pinned my arms to the ground and that kiss that rocked me to the core of my being. Of his hand between my legs, awakening a hunger I hadn’t thought I was capable of feeling anymore. I had assumed that my capacity for rampant, wildfire-devouring-the-prairie kind of lust had been snuffed out years ago.
I haven’t even felt run-of-the-mill sexual interest in months. That little fizz when Chase waved at me was the most action my hormones have gotten since a sexy Wall Street type winked at me while I was walking in the park with Shane. And he could have just had something in his eye. Or been winking at Shane. She’s a stunning beauty with excellent taste in clothing, naturally blond hair, and spectacular boobs. I’m more the fuzzy-haired sidekick type, like Hermione Granger before she turned gorgeous, or that little critter that lives in Jabba the Hutt’s fat folds.
“Not when you’re with him,” I mutter to the paint swirls on the ceiling. When I’m with Nate, I don’t feel like a fat fold creature. I feel like a five-alarm sex goddess. I feel beautiful and desirable and…enough. More than enough.
But what I really am, I suddenly realize, is a cheater.
I bolt upright, hair flying into my face. “Eduardo!”
Oh my God! How could I have forgotten about Eduardo! Sweet Eduardo, who so generously offered his help and comfort to me, the very woman who became his boyfriend’s cheating accomplice less than twenty-four hours later!
Where the hell does Nate get off? How does he think it’s okay to stalk me and kiss me and talk feelings, when he’s here with his significant other?!
“Because he’s a liar and you know it, Adeline!” I shout to the empty room as I rip off my ski clothes and fetch my sweater dress from the closet, secretly relieved to have a reason to be mad at Nate again.
For about an hour there, I wasn’t sure what to feel other than sad, stunned, and desperate to kiss him again.
If his story is true, then I can’t blame him for being scared. Realizing his dad was a monster who would rather see his son go to prison than allow him to live his own life couldn’t have been easy. And then there was the look in Nate’s eyes when he said that he’d loved me—that intense, searing, melting look that made me want to believe that our summer of love wasn’t a lie, after all.
But now I remember Eduardo. Innocent, gullible Eduardo who has been sucked in by Nate’s sex vibe and fallen prey to the same lying devil who took a jackhammer to my heart years ago. Nate is a heartbreaker, a life breaker, and the last person Ed should be thinking about adopting puppies with.
Sparing a few minutes to unbraid my hair, smooth frizz cream through my curls, and slap on a coat of lipstick for confidence, I slam out of my room on a mission of mercy. I’m not sure where I’ll find Eduardo, but I will scour every inch of this property if I have to. I will find him, confess my sins, and beg him to break up with Nate before it’s too late. Before he’s in so deep that he’ll never be able to get Nathaniel Casey out of his dirty dreams.
