by Lili Valente
She presses her face to my chest and inhales. “Oh, I wish I could believe you. You feel so good, but I’ve been talking to you all night and I’m pretty sure this place isn’t real. I think that I’m dreaming it.” She pauses before adding in a softer voice, “That I’m dying while I’m dreaming it.”
I pull back, cupping her face in my hands and bending down to look her in the eyes. “You’re not dying, Addie. And this isn’t a dream. I’m really here, but I think we’re trapped. There was an avalanche a few minutes ago, and it blocked off the window and the doors.”
“Okay.” She smiles. “I like the dream where I’m trapped in a cabin with you better than the one where I’m trapped under the water. I especially like that my dream self already had the sense to take her clothes off.”
Before I can respond, Addie releases her hold on the blanket. It falls to the floor, revealing the stunning woman beneath, and I completely forget what I was going to say. I’m too lost in the beauty of her bare breasts, the gentle curve of her belly, the small thatch of hair between her legs, and all her glorious bare skin.
I’m hard before I can talk sense into my cock, and then Addie is in my arms, pressing her lips to mine as she says, “I love you. I could never stop, no matter how hard I tried.”
“I love you, too, Ad,” I say. “Always have, always will.”
“Then make love to me. Please,” she whispers, and I forget about the broken radio and the lack of cell service and the fact that Addie and I are buried alive until someone figures out where we are. All I can think about is the woman in my arms and how much I love her and how desperately I need to show her the way she makes me feel.
I scoop her up in my arms and aim us both toward the bed in the corner, where I intend to make love to her until she knows without a shadow of a doubt that she is the only thing that matters, and the only thing I don’t ever want to live without.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Addie
Nate lays me down on the bed, and I swear I can feel the scratch of a rough blanket against my skin, smell the woodsy hay and the musk of damp wool. This dream is even more real than being underwater, or the vision of the magic cabin that came to life all around me, the wheels of time turning backward as I watched a rotting disaster transform into a cozy place to hide from the cold.
When the fireplace had sprung to life, I’d half expected the candlesticks on the mantle to ask if I wanted tea. Instead, I’d remained alone in the quiet, and eventually recovered from the shock enough to realize I was shivering and dripping water on the floor.
And so I’d stripped out of my damp clothes, wrapped up in a soft blue quilt by the fire, and fallen into another dream.
Into this dream, where Nate is stripping off his clothes, holding my gaze as he peels and tugs and throws fabric to the floor with rough jerks of his hands that make it clear he can’t wait to dispose of everything standing between us. And then he’s finally naked and back in my arms. His skin is hot, feverish against mine as he kisses me hard and deep and his cock settles between my legs, making me groan into his mouth.
“Yes,” I beg, pressing my center against his burning length. “I want you so much.”
“I need to kiss every inch of you,” he says, kissing his way down my throat. “You’re so beautiful, Addie. I’m so glad you’re okay. I never want to lose you again. Never fucking again.”
I arch into his touch as he cups my breast, brushing his thumb over where I’m tight. Longing rumbles through me like thunder. Then his lips are there, his tongue swirling around my nipple before his mouth closes and he sucks me deep. He feels so good, so electric and brilliant with his bare skin warm against mine that I can’t help catching fire.
I spread my legs as his hands skim up my thighs, silently begging for him to touch me anywhere, everywhere. “It was always like this, wasn’t it?’
“Like what, beautiful?” he asks, nipping the soft skin beneath my nipple.
“Scary and intense, but so perfect.” My head falls back. “Like drowning. Drowning and being pulled from the water at the same time.”
“I love drowning with you.” His fingers tease through where I’m already hot and slick as he moans his appreciation against my breast. “I love how wet you are for me. I can’t wait to be inside you, to feel you all around me. I want to get lost in you, Einstein. Forever.”
“Yes, please, yes,” I beg, threading my fingers through his hair as his mouth moves to my other breast, licking and sucking until I’m writhing against his hand, so close to coming that I’m dizzy with it.
But I don’t want to go yet, not without him.
“Not yet,” I pant, nails digging into Nate’s scalp. “Please. Inside. Now. I need you. I can’t wait. Don’t make me wait.”
“I’ll never make you wait, baby.” He lifts his mouth from my breast, holding my gaze as he fits the head of his cock to where my body weeps for him. “I promise. Never again.”
And then he pushes inside, driving deep, and it hurts.
It hurts, sharp and fierce, almost like the first time all those years ago. There’s a piercing sting and I gasp, but then Nate’s mouth is on mine and he’s kissing me the way only he can kiss, dulling my awareness of the pain. He kisses me until I know that I am beautiful, special, irreplaceable. Until his love soaks through my skin and my blood rushes faster and the pain bleeds into pleasure.
Pure, mind-blowing pleasure.
“Perfect,” I gasp against his lips. “It’s so perfect.”
“You’re so beautiful, Addie. I love you so much.” He advances and retreats, gliding in and out, stoking the fire he’s built as our tongues dance together in an endless, dizzying, time-bending kiss. I wrap my legs tighter around his hips and lift into his thrusts, silently begging for more of him, all of him.
“Take me.” My fingers dig into the strong muscles of his back, his ass, drawing him deeper, closer. “Take me, Nate. I want you to come. Come with me.”
“Not yet.” His voice is tight as he shifts the angle of our connection until he’s rubbing against the top of my sex at the end of every thrust. “I need more. I need forever with you. Just like this.”
“Yes. Just like this.”
“Just you and me, Ad.” He brushes his thumb across my nipple in time to his thrusts, building the tension swelling impossibly large inside of me.
I bite my lip, fighting to keep from finding home without him, but it’s too late and I’m too far gone. “I’m coming. I can’t stop. Oh God, I can’t stop!”
“Don’t stop. Come, baby.” A pained expression twists his features. “Fuck, Adeline, yes, come for me. I love feeling you come.”
“With me,” I demand, holding on tight as he rides me harder, faster. “Come with me, please. Please!”
He cries out, his arm wrapping tight around my waist as his rhythm grows wild, frantic. I urge him on, rushing to meet him as a second wave builds inside of me.
Faster, harder, tighter, deeper, we strain together, stormy and breathless until finally we collide.
I call his name as pleasure rushes over me, knocking me down and dragging me under. And suddenly I’m drowning again, but this time it’s not cold. It’s sweet fire licking through my bones, burning my skin, making my nerve endings sizzle, filling me with so much bliss that I have no choice but to open my mouth and scream, simply to give the beauty a place to go.
I cry out as my orgasm spirals on and on, until there isn’t a drop of life left in me, until my soul is naked in the cool air, pulsing between our bodies as Nate pulls out and comes, his cock jerking hard against my belly.
“Addie,” he groans, his jaw clenched tight. “Oh God, it hurts. It’s so good it hurts.”
I moan my agreement as my arms go around him, holding his sweat-damp body close, relishing the feeling of his heart thundering against my chest. He feels so real. So warm and safe and perfect. I haven’t thought much about the afterlife lately—not since I realized that the church of my childhood and I were never
going to see eye to eye—but if this is heaven, I’ll take it.
“Or maybe it’s purgatory,” I mumble, fingers skimming up and down Nate’s muscled back. “And sex is the way we’ll purify our souls.”
“What’s that?” He pulls back, gazing down at me with a confused smile.
“I was thinking that maybe this is purgatory, not heaven. And making love is the way we’ll atone for our sins.” I arch a weary brow. “Or how I’ll atone for mine since you’re not really here.”
A troubled look creeps into his eyes. “Adeline, I am here. I promise. I came from the hotel with the search party that’s looking for you right now. Someone could be here to help us any second.”
I nod patiently. “Yes, you said that before. But this room isn’t real and neither are you. I saw it transform. Right in front of me. Like special effects in a movie, but real.” I frown. “But not real. You know what I’m saying?”
“You were probably hallucinating from being out in the cold too long, baby.” He curses softly as he rolls off of me, reaching down to pluck his boxers off the floor. “And now I’ve taken advantage of you while you’re out of your head.”
“No, you haven’t.” I prop up on my elbows. “I’m thinking perfectly straight. I know what I saw. I wasn’t hallucinating. One minute, this place was a dump falling in on itself, and the next it was like a magic clock had turned back time. I saw it. Really. And I talked to you while I was dreaming in the truck, before I woke up the first time. You told me about being dyslexic.”
“You already knew I was dyslexic.”
“Yes, but I didn’t know it made it hard for you to proofread your books,” I say, not encouraged by his long sigh in response. “Are you trying to tell me I’m crazy? That it doesn’t make it harder to proof your books?”
“No, it does, but…” He turns back to me, his gaze fixed on my knees. “Let’s get you dressed and then we can talk some more, okay? I don’t want you to get cold again.”
I frown harder, starting to wonder if maybe I did get confused at some point. But before I can remember why this being real is a bad thing, Nate draws his boxers across my stomach, wiping away the stickiness, revealing the scar between my hips.
“What’s that, Addie?” he asks, brows furrowing.
“Nothing.” I sit up fast, pulling my knees to my chest. But it’s already too late.
“It’s not nothing,” The shock in his eyes as he watches me scoot to the far side of the bed makes my guts twist. “Is that what I think it is?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I hug my legs tighter. “I want my clothes.”
“I’ll get your clothes.” He moves closer, worry in his tone. “But that looks a hell of a lot like a C-section scar. Is that what it is?”
I bite my lip, squeezing my eyes shut.
“Jesus, Addie, if we have a baby out there somewhere, you’ve got to tell me. Is that what happened?” he says, pushing on when I refuse to answer. “You were pregnant and your mom found out? That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why she made you leave town and drop out of college? Fuck, I’m so stupid.”
I shake my head as I whisper, “I don’t talk about it.”
“Well, you’re going to have to talk about it.” His voice is gentle, but firm. “At least once, because I need to know the truth. Is this why you can’t talk to me? Because of this? Because I’ve got a son or daughter out there, and you didn’t tell me?”
The words flick a switch deep inside of me, setting the monster I’ve kept under wraps for so long free to roar toward the surface.
And roar it does.
One second I’m cowering in the corner, trembling, the next my mouth opens and all the rage, hurt, and heartbreak comes rushing out, claws bared, aimed right at Nate.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Nate
“I didn’t tell you?” Her voice is soft, but her eyes are glittering with a sudden rage that makes it clear I’ve said the wrong fucking thing. “How was I supposed to tell you, when you were gone? How was I supposed to tell you that the morning-after pill didn’t work when you’d left me to deal with the test and my mother and being pregnant all by myself? At sixteen, when I was practically still a child?”
“I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right. That’s not what I meant.” I reach for her, only to have her slap my hand away.
I pull back, surprised by how much it stings. But then, I was always the one who said Addie was stronger than anyone gave her credit for.
Though I had no idea how strong, or how much she’s been through.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I say. “I’m—”
“No. You don’t get to touch me, or call me baby.” She presses closer to the wall, legs still hugged to her chest. “And you don’t get to tell me what I have to talk about, either. That baby was mine. It was never yours because you were never there. I was there, all by myself, in a halfway house for girls who had shamed their Catholic families, and no one ever came to visit. Not even my mom or dad.”
She pulls in a breath, her eyes shining brighter. “And I was so miserable that nothing could make it better. Nothing. Not even books, because I couldn’t read without thinking of you and wondering what you would say about the story.” Her teeth dig into her lip. “You were that deep in my head. And like the dumb kid I was, I kept thinking that you were going to show up. That leaving had been some terrible misunderstanding, and that—”
“It was, Addie. You know—”
“And that you were going to ride up to the house on a white horse,” she says, raising her voice to drown out my excuses, “tell me you loved me, and take me away from all the sad, ugly shit. But you never did.” She blinks, sending tears streaming down her cheeks. “You never did, and when I went into labor too early for the baby to live, I was still alone so the housemother took me to St. Mary’s. After I was there a few hours, I started bleeding so badly they had to give me a blood transfusion, but everyone acted like there was nothing else they could do. For me, or for the baby.”
“God, Addie,” I say, my heart breaking for her.
“We all knew she was going to die,” she continues in a softer voice. “And that maybe I would die, too, but the doctors’ hands were tied. There are no abortions allowed in Catholic hospitals, even in cases like mine, when the baby has no chance and the mother is getting sicker every day.”
She swallows hard, her lips curving in a sad smile. “I was so scared that I was actually glad to see my mother when she showed up. I thought she would help me, make it better with a kiss the way she did when I was little.” Her smile fades. “She’d only been there a few minutes when one of the nurses, who had been especially good to me, pulled Mom aside and hinted strongly that I should be taken to another hospital where I could be treated more effectively. But Mom said I had to stay. That it was God’s will.”
I reach for her again, but she holds a hand up between us.
“By the time my father finally took me to another hospital, against Mom’s wishes, I was out of my mind with fever and had been miscarrying for days. The baby only lived a few minutes, but I didn’t get to see her. The bleeding had started again and the doctors were busy cutting me open to see if they could get it stopped before I died, too.”
Her breath escapes in a long, tired sigh. “And that’s why I have a scar. And why I didn’t make it to college. Mom told Dad she would leave him and take the boys if he tried to bring me home. So Dad found me a job working as a live-in companion to a friend of the family, an old woman who for years treated me like a puppet to be jerked around for her entertainment. But for the longest time, I didn’t even think about standing up to her. I thought that’s what I deserved, Nate. That I deserved to be unloved and alone and living one day to the next without daring to hope for anything more.”
“Adeline.” Her name is a plea for her to stop and let me comfort her—let me tell her that she’s worth a hundred of her father and a thousand of her crazy, abusive mother—but she doesn’t.
“Why would I have assumed otherwise?” She laughs as she mops the tears from her cheeks with both hands. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has decided that I’m not worth the time or the energy. You know I’m a fan of the scientific method. With experiment results like that, what other logical conclusion could I have drawn? Honestly, if Shane hadn’t come into my life and been such an amazing friend to me, I don’t know if I ever would have worked up the courage to hope again. Sometimes all it takes is the kindness of one person, but until that one person comes along…”
“You are the most lovable person I’ve ever met, Adeline Klein,” I say, my voice thick with emotion. Everything she went through, not just without me but because of me, makes my chest feel like it’s collapsing. “And I’m so sorry. So sorry I don’t have words for it. I know that isn’t good enough, but—”
“No, it isn’t.” Her gaze falls to the mattress as she shakes her head loosely from side to side. “It isn’t good enough. And now we’ve done it again.”
“Done what?”
“Made the same mistake,” she says, her voice distant. “The same mistake, over and over, trapped in a terrible circle with nothing but pain to show for it.”
I realize she must be talking about having sex without a condom, which I sure as hell wouldn’t have risked if I’d known what I know now, and hurry to assure her, “I pulled out, Addie. We’ll be fine. And if we’re not, I’ll be right there with you. You’re never going to go through something like that alone again. I promise.”
“It’s too late.” She shakes her head again, her gaze fixed on some faraway memory only she can see. “You can’t change the past.”
“But we can change the future.” I lean closer, wrapping gentle fingers around her ankle. “Will you look at me Addie? Please? We can make things better. We can have the future. Together. You and me.”
“There is no future,” she whispers. “Everything has already happened. You know that. You remember how this works.”
