“I understand, it’s really hard” said Marie. She looked at Alex’s mom who was just sitting quietly holding her husband’s hand. Marie sat down next to her and held her other hand.
“I know this is really difficult for you both, you’re thinking it’s not fair, but I believe Alex wouldn’t want us to be sad today, she would want us to enjoy today and look at this as a way to remember the good times. I feel she will be watching us today, and will always be looking out for all those she loved from this day forward, like the angel she was,” said Marie softly. Alex’s mom looked up with tears in her eyes.
“Thank You Marie, thank you for being a wonderful friend to Alex, and I do want to believe that this was God’s way of saying it’s time and he needed her, but I’m so angry right now with him for taking her at such a young age, your children should never go before you, it’s not right,” she turned towards her husband and cried onto his shoulder.
He nodded to Marie to show it was ok, so she stood up and left them. Still looking out for Gary, she went over to Ray and Melissa.
“Hello Ray, hi Melissa, where is he?” asked Marie.
“He’s upstairs, he says he will come down when the car arrives,” said Ray. “He’s in a bad way Marie, I haven’t seen him like this since his father died. But it’s even worse this time.”
Marie put her hand on Ray’s shoulder.
“It will be ok, he just needs to get today over with, and then he can start getting on with his recovery, maybe go into work again” Melissa said, as she turned to Ray to comfort him.
“I don’t think he will ever want to think about work again, Melissa,” said Ray.
“As long as you two are there for him, he will be alright, I’ll go and see if I can find him.”
Marie went upstairs. He was in the bedroom looking down at all the flowers on the front lawn.
“She loved flowers, you know,” said Gary, “but there are too many, she’d be worrying about where they would all go.”
“Gary, you need to come down, the car will be here soon,” said Marie.
“I can’t do this Marie. I don’t want to say goodbye, I need her here.” Gary turned around; he was pale and looked weak, nothing like his usual self.
“Gary, I know it’s hard, but you need to do this for everyone else. Alex would want you to carry on, and make sure her mom and dad are ok, even if it’s just for today Gary. I know you can do this. Today is about Alex, I’m sorry to sound harsh, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and man up for everyone else,” said Marie and she took a step closer to Gary to hold his hand.
“I can’t help it, Marie. She was my reason for living, my life, what am I supposed to do? I even dreamt she was holding me last night in bed, it felt so real,” said Gary.
Marie stared at him for a moment, she thought to herself that Alex must have visited him; she must have felt his need and come to him.
“Look, just get through today, and then you can take as much time as you need, but today you need to be strong for Alex’s parents, now get yourself smartened up and let’s go, I’ll stay with you,” said Marie, giving Gary a hug.
Gary gave a faint smile and went into the bathroom. Marie walked over to the dressing table and picked up his tie and waistcoat and waited for Gary.
Gary came into the room; he’d had a quick wash, but was still unshaven. Marie straightened his collar and helped him on with his tie and waistcoat.
“It will have to do, you haven’t got time for a shave, but at least you’re dressed smartly, where’s your suit jacket?” said Marie looking around the room.
“There in the wardrobe, I can dress myself you know!” said Gary.
“Oh no, I’m not leaving you today, if I go downstairs you’re more than likely to do a runner and not turn up for the funeral.”
“Alright, I’m ready let’s get this over and done with, and Marie, thank you I appreciate your support,” said Gary. He took a deep breath and went downstairs. Marie followed; people were making their way outside and the hearse had pulled up in front of the house. Marie gave Gary’s hand a quick squeeze.
Alex’s parents were waiting for Gary, he gave them a soft smile as he made his way out to the car. He waited for Alex’s parents to get in the car and then he climbed in behind them. He sat next to Alex’s mom and she held his hand tightly.
Gary didn’t react to her touch; he just looked straight ahead at Alex’s coffin.
Marie got in the car behind with Ray and Melissa. “I don’t know how you do it Marie, but you must have said something to get him out of that room, I tried and he didn’t even speak,” said Ray.
“It wasn’t a lot. I just didn’t make a big fuss, that’s all, made him see that he needs to do this for Alex’s parents, gave him something else to focus on just for today anyway,” said Marie.
“Do you think he will be ok?” Melissa asked.
“He will be fine in time, just needs to take each day one step at a time, but if we all just try to be as calm as possible, and keep things running, he’ll see we are there for him if he needs us. I just think he needs space at the moment,” said Marie.
“You’re being a rock as usual. Sometimes Marie, I think you’d be more suited to working at our place than you think,” laughed Ray.
“No thank you, too much sex, I can get my kicks in other ways, thank you!” said Marie laughing.
Chapter Thirty Eight
The day went quickly, luckily for Gary, and he managed to hold himself together. Alex’s dad was also staunchly calm; he was using his wife’s grief as a way of deflecting his own feelings.
As the wake ended, and people began to say their goodbyes, Gary felt exhausted, but tried not to show it. Marie was right, he needed to be strong and just get through the day, it was about saying farewell to Alex.
Only Alex’s parents and Marie remained in the house now, Marie was tidying up in the kitchen. It was time for Alex’s mom and dad to go to the airport.
Gary walked them out to say his goodbyes. Marie stayed inside, busying herself with the dishes, wondering whether it was the right time to tell him the truth about Alex.
She was lost in her thoughts and didn’t notice Gary come back in.
“Leave the dishes Marie, I’ll finish them off later, it will give me something to do,” said Gary.
Marie jumped at the sound of his voice.
“Sorry Marie, I didn’t mean to scare you,” said Gary.
“No, I didn’t hear you come in that’s all, I was miles away”, said Marie still stacking the dishwasher.
“Marie, you’re as bad as I am, trying to do things to stop yourself from thinking. I forgot you must be needing to grieve as well, you’ve been running around after me and everyone else all day, and not had time to stop and take in today for what it’s about,” said Gary.
“No, I’m fine, I just want to make sure everything is ok before I go.”
“Look if you want to stay and clean up, I may as well help you. I can see you’re not going to go until you’ve finished,” said Gary warmly.
“Look you go and have a bath and shave, I’ve nearly finished here anyway!” said Marie, trying to avoid having to chat with him until she’d thought things through.
“Marie, what is it? There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“It’s nothing, it’s just been a long day, that’s all.” Marie put away the last of the washing up and turned to Gary. She could feel him trying to read her mind.
“You miss her too don’t you?”
“No, I mean yes, of course I do. Gary can we just leave it alone tonight? I’m tired and I don’t want to get into anything just yet,” said Marie getting flustered.
“Marie, sit down, you’re not making any sense and I know you too well not to realise something’s up,” said Gary. He poured them both a glass of wine and came and sat on the chair in front of her.
Marie took a deep breath and took a sip of the wine. She wasn’t sure this was the right time.
&
nbsp; “Come on, what is it, is it about Alex, are you finding it hard without her?” asked Gary, his eyes not moving from her.
“No,” said Marie taking another drink.
“Come on Marie, you’re not normally lost for words, what is it? You’re worrying me now,” said Gary, his voice becoming sharp.
“It is about Alex, but not what you think, I didn’t want to talk to you about this until I knew it was the right time, but I don’t know when the right time will be,” said Marie.
“Marie, please, what is it?”
“You remember when I did that true love spell with Alex, she said she told you about it.”
“Come on Marie, hocus pocus and all that. I know you’re a bit different but if you’re going to tell me that it’s your fault that she’s dead, I’m here to tell you that it’s not; and your bloody spells or whatever wouldn’t hurt a fly,” said Gary trying to control his anger.
“I know you’ve never believed in magic Gary, and that’s why I wanted to wait to tell you the truth,” said Marie getting upset.
“The truth is that Alex is dead and gone, and it was nothing to do with your spell,” snapped Gary.
“No. The truth is, yes Alex is dead, but no she’s not gone!” shouted Marie. “See, this is why I didn’t want to do this now,” she cried.
Gary just looked into his glass. “What are you saying? That she’s still here, that she’s not dead, that I didn’t hold her hand while she died?”
“Look Gary, what I’m trying to say is that she’s here in spirit and as a ghost,” said Marie wondering how he’d react.
“That is really funny Marie. The joke’s over now and I think it’s time you went, we’ve both had an upsetting day and I think we need space for a bit.”
“I’m not leaving until you believe me. This is important for both of you. That spell I did must have made her spirit stay, because of the love you both have for each other, she came to you last night when you were upset in your bed, you said it yourself, it was as though she was there,” said Marie.
“Don’t be silly, I was upset, I was tired, she wasn’t really there,” he said, beginning to wonder.
“Look the only way to prove this is to show you, you need to concentrate and let her know you need her and she will come.”
“Marie I’m not doing this with you, I’m tired. Please Marie, leave now, this is just too much,” said Gary.
“No, not until you see for yourself. Alex if you can hear me please show yourself, I know you’re here,” shouted Marie.
Gary looked around waiting for a flash of lightning or something. “See, nothing, Marie you’re upset I know, but this is getting silly, now please just go.”
As he stood up to take the glass from Marie he felt something or someone touch him on the shoulder, he turned around and saw Alex standing in front of him.
Chapter Thirty Nine
“Sit down Gary, before you fall down,” said Alex.
He sat down without saying a word, he still couldn’t believe his eyes.
“It’s ok I’m still trying to get used to this myself. Marie was trying to tell you the truth, but being the stubborn person you are Gary you wouldn’t listen, you can be a right arse with people sometimes,” smiled Alex.
Alex spoke to Marie, “Sorry, I know you said stay away, but I could sense something wasn’t right, and it’s lucky I did.”
“No Alex. You came here last night and I told you not till he was ready. Ok I don’t think he would have ever been ready for this, but still. . .” replied Marie.
Gary still couldn’t speak, he just watched Alex and Marie talk.
Marie looked at Gary. “I’m sorry Gary, I know this is a lot to take in, but now you can see for yourself that she is here and it’s all because of how much you love each other,” said Marie handing Gary another drink.
“This can’t be real, I can’t understand this, I watched you die, I. . .”
Alex took his hand, “I’m real Gary, and I’m here because of you, if it’s what you want,” she said.
Gary looked at her hand, then up into her eyes.
“Alex, it’s you, it’s really you,” he exclaimed.
Alex kissed him. She had wanted to for a while, but hadn’t been sure if she could do it so he would feel it, but she felt the tingle like when she normally kissed him, but something more.
“Gary, love, I will never leave you, unless you ask me too,” she said.
“Leave me, why would I ask you to leave? I was lost, when I thought I’d lost you.”
“I know. I wanted to show you I was still here but I was trying to understand this myself,” said Alex.
“Look you two need to talk. I’ll leave you but I’ll be back tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll have questions by then, but for tonight you need time to both come to terms with this,” said Marie.
Marie kissed Gary on the forehead and hugged him. “I’m sorry Gary,” she whispered, and left.
The room fell silent, Alex sat down on the sofa waiting for Gary to speak.
Gary couldn’t look at her, part of him was frightened this was all a dream, part of him was scared of what it meant; was he going mad because of his grief and desire for Alex?
“Gary, please look at me, I’m here. I didn’t understand it myself, I don’t think I fully understand it still, but I’m here for you,” said Alex.
Gary looked up with tears in his eyes, “I just don’t know what to say about all this Alex, where to start. Who else knows about this? What happens now? My mind is swimming, I’m happy you’re here, but scared you will leave, or that this isn’t real and I’m having a break down, that this is all madness just in my mind.”
Alex didn’t get up from her seat to comfort him, she wanted to try to answer some of his questions. “Let me tell you my understanding so far, and maybe it will make you feel better somehow. First of all, only Marie knows, she said it was best for the time being that way, and I understand you’re scared but I think I’m stuck here because I need you, and you need me,” said Alex.
“But how long for?” Gary asked.
“That I can’t answer. As far as I know, forever, or maybe until you don’t need me anymore, look that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I’m here and we can learn about this new existence together, if you want. If you don’t want to, I will go, and leave you to move on with your life. This is all up to you Gary. I’m happy to do what you want and you know that. I always did before, so no need to stop now.”
“How long have you been back?” Gary asked.
Alex smiled at the question, “I don’t think I ever left. It was all a bit of a blur, I remember lying in your arms and then everything went blank, next thing I know I’m next to you in the hospital, then I ended up at Marie’s. At the beginning, there was a lot of going backwards and forwards between you and Marie, but I have been training, which you should be pleased with,” she laughed thinking of what she’d just said.
Gary looked at her: she was really there sitting in front of him, he wasn’t crazy, and she was willing to stay with him, if he wanted her to.
“So you came to me last night?”
“Yes, like I said, I’m here because of you, I believe I sensed your need for me, or heard you. They seem both the same thing, come to think of it, and then I just closed my eyes and I was with you.”
“Why didn’t you let me know sooner? Why did you let me go all that pain?” Gary couldn’t help it, he was angry and upset.
“I’m sorry, but Marie didn’t want others knowing. It was too risky. I was still trying to control appearing in the right room. I knew Mom and Dad would be here and I couldn’t appear in front of them, they couldn’t take it, they need to move on with their lives without me.”
Gary went quiet, not sure what to say next. Alex moved closer to him and held his hand.
“Gary, all I know is right now, at this moment, I want to be with you. I want to spend the night with you, if in the morning you find this too much, I will go, but please le
t me stay just for tonight!”
Gary looked Alex in the eyes and leant forward to kiss her, but stopped.
“Alex, I want you to stay tonight, stay in our bed with me, hold me tight. I want to forget about death, ghosts, spells. I just want it to be me and you,” Gary stood up and took Alex’s hand.
They went up to their bedroom. They undressed cautiously and got into bed. Alex held Gary in her arms, stroking his hair, no sex would be involved tonight, Alex still wasn’t sure if it was even possible, but this night was about them needing to hold each other, and showing how they still needed each other.
Without any words they lay in each other’s arms until Gary fell asleep. Alex still didn’t sleep, she never would again, but she stayed holding him and watching his rhythmic breathing. She knew he hadn’t slept well since she’d passed on. Even if he woke up the next day and didn’t want to carry on like this, at least they’d both been able to hold each other one last time. Tears formed in her eyes, this was another new feeling she would have to get used to, she hadn’t realised she could still have physical responses; it was promising in a way.
Chapter Forty
Gary woke up refreshed, he hadn’t slept that well for ages. He opened his eyes with trepidation, but Alex was still there, sitting up next to him in bed, for a second it was like nothing had happened. The horror of the last few weeks disappeared.
“Morning baby, you look better this morning, but I still think you could do with a good wash and a shave. The rough look doesn’t work for you. When you’re done we’ll have breakfast.” She got up to get dressed.
Gary lay there thinking; he knew he couldn’t let her go even if this was really weird; he would have to learn how this might work.
Alex returned and gave him a kiss. “Go and bath, I will make you some breakfast.” Gary did as he was told.
He turned the running water off and climbed in the bath, the warm water enveloped him, he could hear Alex moving around in the kitchen, he closed his eyes, she was back and he was happy.
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